Authors Note: Hurray for Yzak and Dearka. Common, you can’t seriously tell me that these two suck, because they don’t. Well, yes, I know. I usually do write Kira/Athrun one-shots. But I had this idea for a long time, and have been itching to write it. This takes place when Orb was ‘neutral’ and has taken both Zaft and the Archangel in. Not too far into the series. This is a two-chapter story. The second chapter will come soon enough. I hope you enjoy it, so have a nice day. Oh, one last thing. Please Review. Thank you. :D

Disclaimer: I wish this weren’t true, but I own nothing of Gundam Seed, it belongs to the brilliant minds of the manga creator, and the person who first came up with this whole Saga of Gundam…lucky…

Who ever said its better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all is a real dumb ass! In fact, if I ever meet that jerk, I’ll spit and cuss at him, without charge.

I’d rather not have fallen for such an egocentric, belligerent, envious brat. But as people told me often enough, you can’t help who you fall head over heels for.

But please, don’t get me wrong here. I never despised Yzak, but it hurt me a lot just to be with him. How anything set him off, like a ticking bomb, he often was. I used to think of that idea a funny one, but after a long time, it became all too true. And it hurt; it was painful to see him so angry without a release or anything to really vent it out on. He often showed his anger, and went into large rants and ramblings about how unfair this was, that Athrun was ahead of him, better at everything then him. That he was picked for the captain instead of him. Did he really think about anything else? Maybe on the battlefield…but I doubt it.

And whenever I saw him in a fit of boiling rage, I would often feel a small throbbing in my chest, right above my heart. It grew over the years, becoming something that plagued my mind often past mid-night, when I would lie there, still awake. Watching him sleep on his bed across from mine. How calm and peaceful he looked, just lying there. It was as though the anger and jealously that he quite clearly showed when he was awake was all an act, or was something that receded when he slept. But whatever that reason, I began to love the way he laid there, sleeping. It filled me with tingling warmth that would surpass the pain. I just wished he would look like that all the more often.

But those moments would fade, when I closed my eyes, and would drift off into my own peaceful slumber. Only to wake up the next morning, him already awake and bitchin’ about something…

Did he ever express happiness? Did he know the pleasure of a single kiss, or the warmth of a lover’s embrace that would hold you until eternity, you would hope. I often doubted that too. Perhaps maybe, someday…I could show him those meanings—

No, no! This won’t happen, I won’t allow it! I would often scold myself. Such thoughts weren’t supposed to happen. Never, never, never! What were those magazines I snuck onboard for? Exactly this purpose. To keep myself from falling into this trap so many men had fallen into during war. Homosexuality. I used to shudder at this idea, but when I realized that being gay wasn’t exactly taboo as it may have been a long time ago, I quickly slapped myself, and forced those ideas out of my head. There was no way in hell I was going to fall for a man, even if I was beginning to desire only that.

But pretty soon, I had to face it, this question of my own sexuality. Whenever I did look at those magazines I hid on board, I quickly lost interest. I even found myself reading the articles instead of staring at the women. What kind of man does that, you may ask? What do you think…?

But there were other signs then just this that hinted to my newfound sexuality. Often, when Yzak would start shouting, take his anger out of the wall or his (sometimes my) things, I would watch him with interest. I once even caught myself staring at his lips once, wondering if the taste of his morning coffee was still on them, still strong?

I wish I could say that at that moment I hated myself for such a thought, but at this time, the idea only intrigued me, and gave birth to newborn ideas that only made the strong desire to shut Yzak up with a kiss become something that was on the top of my list. But I didn’t, what would he think if I ever even came close to doing such an act?

See what war can do to men?

It was a disturbing thought then, and it sometimes is a disturbing thought now. But whether I liked it or not, I was falling for the whinny brat, and I couldn’t get him out of my mind.

Now, what exactly did I do about this problem? I did what any other man would do, and with confidence!

…I ignored it.

Shameful? Maybe. Completely idiotic? Perhaps. But it was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life, maybe not as hard as quitting smoking or chocolate, but damn it, it was hard! But even through this, those thoughts came leaking back, and like anyone who else, I began to accept and welcome it back into my life. Well, I figured, hey! At least its just sexuality, not a cigarette, right?

Yeah…I still felt pretty crappy, even when I tried to reassure myself that nothing was wrong with me now. I was still the same old me, I was still the same old Dearka. I just picked up a new…interest in the army?

What was everyone to think about this when they thought about this? What would Athrun, Nicole, or Yzak say?

How could I, Dearka, become gay, and fall in love with Yzak, all in the same year!

“So, what exactly are we doing here?” I asked one morning non-chalantly, while flipping through the newspaper. My coffee mug in the other hand, and while I took good, long, deep sip of it, Nicole answered me.

“Well, Orb is keeping the archangel here…and as long as the legged-ship is here, we need to be here. You never know if they could be hiding something from us.” The green-haired youth gazed down with interest over my shoulder at the newspaper I was reading. I was currently skimming through the ads, reading how people were having yard sales, selling things they didn’t want, love ads. The usual, ya know? How people could be doing stuff like this during a war, I’ve got not the slightest clue.

“Yeah, Neutral my ass.” Yzak snapped, he was staring out a window, his arms crossed, and his back leaning against the wall, “they claim it so, but they still keep those bastards here. Probably discussing ways to kill us all too!”

Athrun, who stood on the other side of the window while he sipped his own coffee, nodded for once in agreement.

“True Yzak. But then again, they did accept us here as well. But they might be up to something. They didn’t make these Mobile Suits for nothing…”

“Just what we need, more enemies. We already have half of the human race against us; we don’t need anyone else to turn on us. Not now, not ever.” Yzak uncrossed his arms, as he glared out the window down onto the neutral streets, the people walking below in their crowds. Yzak’s reflection in the window glared back at him as his gaze rose to the sky. Did he miss being up there, where the PLANTS were? Did he suddenly wish we were back up there?

“Well, what’re we gonna do about it? We can’t just sit here all day, now can we?” Nicol inquired, he looked up at Athrun and Yzak as they both turned towards us. I lowered the newspaper, and placed down my still steaming coffee. My eyes were caught onto Yzak’s, but his were on Athrun’s as he waited impatiently for an answer. I knew how much he wished to be the captain of this particular team. But Athrun had gotten it, and I had to spend a long, long night with Yzak listening to him rant non-stop until he finally fell asleep, calling Athrun an ‘incompetent jerk-ass who needed a good kick in the ass’.

“We can’t do much at the moment,” Athrun began with a lot of thought, “All we can do is look for the legged-ship, and find out what they plan to do.”

“Sounds like a good idea to me.” Nicole replied, he began to stand up straight. And as he reached for his jacket, he turned back to me and smiled. “Dearka, you’re coming with us, right?”

I nodded, “might as well. Gotta keep you youngsters in your place.” I teased, Nicol only shook his head with amusement, while Yzak mumbled something about my weird attitude this morning. Athrun said nothing, but he was smiling warmly as Nicol was doing. They still smiled towards me, and I loved that about them. They didn’t know anything was different about me, they still thought I was the same Dearka who loved looking at porno and magazines. Who would wolf-whistled at any hot women to cross my path. And that’s the way I want it to be, at least until I know I’m ready to confess. When I know that they’ll accept me for who I’ve become.

We were split into two different teams. Nicol and I, and Athrun and Yzak. But with Yzak and Athrun, it I can’t exactly say that’s a winning combination. I sighed when I realized that I’d have to listen to my silver-haired beauty complain all night long about how Saint-like Athrun was, and how he shouldn’t be so soft to potential enemies.

But Nicol and I didn’t complain. How would it look if I demanded to be with Yzak for a team? Not as bad as I would have thought, but it would arouse some suspicion as to what was going on.

So Nicol and I had already left those two feuding youths. I bet that if we were silent enough, we could hear Yzak shouting some sort of profanity at Athrun. I could only feel sorry for the blue-nette.

“So, Dearka. Care to explain something to me?”

“Hmm?” I looked over at Nicol, his arms were crossed and his smile was teasing me. His eyes flashed with suspicion as he dared me to answer him. However, even with his unusually cocky attitude this morning, I still didn’t know what he was talking about.

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean…” Nicol continued, “There’s something going on. Why do you stare at Yzak like that? You’re always siding with him, or staring off into space when he isn’t there. So obviously, there’s something going on. And I want to know what it is, so spill.”

“I—I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I flushed silently, my cheeks becoming quickly painted with a light shade of red. This didn’t exactly help my case, not one bit.

“Uh huh, sure…” He shook his head, a light breath of wind passed by us, shaking my golden and his light green hair. He continued to watch me as we walked these streets, few people were on them, and even fewer passed us. I averted my eyes to the bright blue sky, and the sluggish moving clouds above.

“Really. I don’t.”

“…You love him, don’t you?”

“I don’t lo—”

“Then why do you gaze at his eyes? Why do you act so strangely when ever someone mentions him? Why do you wake up so late in the mornings, so tired and exhausted? Why do you always seem worried and uneasy? Why?”

He had me there. I gulped, but found no plausible lie to tell, nothing to hide my cover. I had wanted to tell Nicol and Athrun some day (I would never be able to tell Yzak, he would hate me if I did) but I never expected for Nicol to find out on his own. Was it really this obvious that a large part of me was changed?

“Its ok Dearka. It happens to the best of us.” He sympathized; he patted my back, and nodded, “its perfectly all right. It wasn’t that huge of a secret, now was it?”

I shook my head, “I didn’t realize it was easy to tell…”

“Well, if you pay attention, it’s easy. But I don’t think the others know. They’re too worked up over other things. Yzak is too upset over Orb, and Athrun’s still worrying over this war and what we should do.”

“So, only you noticed?”

Nicol nodded, but he placed a slender finger to his lips, “don’t worry. Your secrets safe with me. Not like I’d tell anyone.”

I smiled and nodded. “Thanks Nicol.” He smiled, and withdrew his hand from my back. He crossed his arms once again, and after a brief look around to see if anyone was listening—which they weren’t—he turned back to me and asked with glee, “so, who’s the lucky guy?” I sighed, sometimes I forgot how young Nicol was, some things may be obvious to him. But apparently, not everything.

“If it’s so obvious that I’m gay—isn’t it obvious who I like?”

“Oh, right, right. I just thought maybe Yzak reminded you of someone else, ya know. I was just making sure.”

“…You won’t tell him, right?”

“Of course not. I already promised you I wouldn’t speak a word. And unlike some people, I keep promises.” He beamed, but his eyes were instantly caught onto something else as we continued to walk down this street.

“You gonna tell him?”

“Hell no!” I answered at once, “You know how Yzak reacts to things like this.”

“…So, your love is unrequited love now?”

“Who ever said anything about love?”

“…You did long ago, with that smile of yours every time you and Yzak are actually getting along.

I sighed. I might as well have screamed every secret about myself from the rooftops, of this green-haired youth could guess it all.

But it wasn’t as simple as most people may think. I couldn’t just walk up to Yzak, kiss him, and say with pride, ‘I LOVE YOU!’

Yes, that’ll go well, wouldn’t you agree? No, only one out of two things would happen.

He’d either shout at me how gay that was and that he never wanted to see me ever again.

Or…

He would just beat me senseless, regardless of words. His fists would do the talking. Hurray for senseless beatings, from the very one who sits upon your heart?

Later that day, while Nicol was ordering some food, I was browsing through the newspaper once again, the same from this morning. One particular Ad had gotten my attention. It was recently put in a few days ago, but it was put into each newspaper until now. It read…

Single man, looking for another single man. Qualities should include,

Good cook

Good sense of humor

Good listener

If you wish to contact me, call this number now.

What a weird Ad, might I say. A gay man, looking for another Gay man. Not that I find this weird at all. I just think the way this was written was weird. It was as though the person who had written this regretted having done this.

But it certainly did catch my interest. I was hoping to meet someone who, like me, was gay. But the one who sat on my heart and tugged at my strings was Yzak, but he would never accept me for whom I was. Well, I had a long time to wait here; I might as well have some sort of fun, even if it’s only for a night.

I got out my cell phone, and called the number. I waited for a few beeps, a long pause came, then a timid sounding male voice on the other end?

“…Uh, hi?” This voice, it sounded so timid, yet I could feel some confidence from the tone of it. It soundly vaguely familiar…but no, it couldn’t be.

“Hi, I’m calling about this Ad in today’s paper.”

“Yeah, well what about it?”

“…You said you’re looking for a man right? Well, from what my birth certificate says, I’m a man. I can cook too, ya know. And I can listen to people as well.”

“…Ok then…”

This was harder then what romance books and movies made it out to be?

“So, you want to meet? Unless this Ad is a joke.”

“Oh, no, no…sure. Where do you want to meet?”

“Where ever you want it fine with me.”

“Ok…do you know that restaurant down near the harbor?”

“Yeah, the French one with the fancy look?”

“Yeah, that’s the one. I have a reservation there for tonight at 6 pm, just go there, and look under the name ‘Jule, party of two’, ok?”

…Jule? Oh…my…god!

“Hello, still there?”

“…Um…yes.” I answered, careful not to stutter or sound very nervous. Jule was Yzak’s last name! How could—this wasn’t—my god I’m shaking! How could Yzak put an Ad into this newspaper, looking for a guy! He wasn’t gay—was he?

“Ok then, see you there.”

“Ok, see ya.” I hung up, dropping my cell phone onto the small table at the booth I sat in. Nicol came back, with our large order of burger and fries, with two large frosty mugs of Root Beer. He placed them down onto the table, but stopped himself from sitting down when he saw how anxious and nerve-wrecked I looked.

“Hey, Dearka. You ok? You look like you just swallowed a fly…everything ok?”

I shook my head, but when Nicol asked me why I wasn’t speaking. I showed him the Ad in the paper. He shrugged non-chalantly, as though it weren’t a huge idea. When he asked again what was wrong. I suddenly broke into a large, fast-paced rant about what had happened. Nicole only stood still there, gaping at me when I said that Yzak was the one who had made the Ad, and that he still didn’t know I was the one who had answered it, and that I had to go on a Date, with hi, TONIGHT!

Nicol finally sat down after a few minutes, but sat in silence. When I asked him if he was ok, he nodded, and shook himself out of his pondering daze.

“You know what you have to do, don’t you?”

“…Please don’t tell me what I think it is…”

“You have to go.”

“I can’t! What if he shouts at me, and makes a scene! This can’t go well at all!”

“Well, obviously Yzak isn’t straight, right? So, he can’t make fun of you for being gay, because that would make him a hypocrite. He’s not a hypocrite; he makes fun of those people. But he would then become a hypocrite for making fun of you, for being the same as him, which he hates—wait, a second. This is confusing, but do you know what I mean?”

“…In a way, yes.”

“Good. Then you agree.”

“Agree to what?”

Nicol smiled, and raised his frosty mug of Root Beer up to his lips. Before he took a sip, he smirked at me, and answered coolly, “You have to go to that Restaurant.”

“But he’ll hate me the second I walk into that door.”

“Not if he thinks you’re someone else…”

“What do you—”

“Oh, don’t worry about a thing. You just leave the planning to me…”

Nicol, planning something devious? Me, about to go on a blind date with Yzak? God, I am truly screwed…