|Cannonball Run: Carmageddon
Author: TimX7 PM
The first ever Cannonball Run World Tour. With 300 million up for grabs, everybody wants the money. No this is not a remake of Cannonball Run 3: World Tour by Charles XavierRated: Fiction T - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 12,380 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 2 - Updated: 11-11-05 - Published: 08-27-05 - id: 2553662
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I don't own anything in this fic. Nothing at all. Unless there is some of my original characters.
Pre Race Party: It's our party and we'll play games if we want too.
Hellboy, a being that looks like the devil but his horns have been cut off, opens the warehouse door for the Cannonball Run Security Team. Inside were various police cars from all over the world. One car was a NYPD Crown Victoria, next to it was a LAPD Crown Victoria, a London PD Vauxhall Vectra, a London PD Land Rover Defender, a police Chevy Tohoe, a Paris Citroen Xsara and a Tokyo Nissan 300ZX. Each named after they respective city police department.
"Okay guys." Hellboy said. "I'll assign vehicles to you all soon. Remember it's first come first serve. So here are the vehicles. They are London Cop Car 1, London Cop Car 2, New York Cop Car, LA Cop Car, Police SUV, Paris Cop Car and Tokyo Cop Car. Now we have to repaint these before all of the Cannonballers arrive. Let's get started because they'll be here soon."
Square Enix as he'll be called for now on, watches the crowd the worst of the worst gather in the courtyard of the Triad. The Triad is the three towers that combine into one building at the top. This is the place for Capcom, Square Enix and Konami to make their games and for the three Heads of each company to plot evil schemes against Team Decline. Especially now, only they're going after all of the Cannonballers and not one team.
"Okay everyone. May I have your attention or else you're getting a Flare spell where teh sun don't shine!" Square Enix said. This made every shut up. "Now all of us are here for one thing and one thing only. The prize money for the first ever Cannonball Run World Tour."
"You ain't just whistling dixie!" Satan yelled out as he stood next to Osama Bin Laden and Suddam Hussein, who're both his lackeys.
"Now You'll each get to pick out a vehicle. Then you'll have four others for you to choose, in case your first vehicle gets wrecked. Sauron did tell his Orcs to guard these three towers that are combined at the top. This building we call the Triad. Oh and Sauron also assigned himself and his assistant Wayne the Goblin to monitor our efforts in order to slow down the racers and try to steal the money."
"YOU WHAT?" Wayne shouted to his boss.
"Cheer up Wayne. We get to monitor us and plan to steal three hundred million dollars...TO RULE THEM ALL!" Sauron said as the camera did a close up on him.
"Well I'd like to keep you here but we have to get over to Los Angeles and begin our plans to steal the money."
The Hacker, Ninja Car and the Reviewer drove towards the Los Angeles Convention Center. When they got there, they saw a sign they never expected to see.
"Unbelievable." Ethan said.
"You've got be kidding me!" Christian said.
"Wasn't that convention supposed to end yesterday?" Marcus asked.
"We're back." Dim said.
The convention mentioned in the last chapter is none other than the Electronic Entertainment Expo, also known as E3. Most of the Cannonballer teams will have a big problem with it.
Haru Glory, the famous Rave Master, finished setting up the betting booth. Conan Edagawa, one of Haru's assistants, sat drinking a juice box. Haru's second assistant, Coop, is pigging out on cheese steak sandwiches.
"Well Conan, we're ready to start handing out the Cannonballers odds and taking bets." the Rave Master said.
Brock, J.J and Victor stood outside the front door as the Cannonballer vehicles came to a complete stop and the Cannonballers got out of their vehicles.
"I welcome you Cannonballers." Brock said. "Please park your cars over there in the assigned parking spots. When you sign in, you'll each receive a special license plate that will tell you apart from the rest. Just follow J.J and Victor here when you've parked your cars."
The party was in full swing. Cannonballers either walked around the convention center to watch trailers or play demos to all of the upcoming games and systems. Others either sat at the bar in the Cannonball are of the building drinking, chatting it up or outside working on their cars. South Park animator Trey Parker stood backstage with Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld.
"Okay guys, we're first to play. Just like we practiced." Trey said. "Let's go."
They took the stage and Trey grabbed a mic. "Welcome Cannonballers to the first ever Cannonball Run World Tour. We're going to play this song for you. Since everyone of you will be going the distance."
They began playing as most of the Cannonballers and fans outside watched.
Song: "The Distance" by Cake
Melissa and Ariel are sitting at a table with Team Evolution. Talking about the crappy women's wrestling feds. Particulary Women's Extreme Wrestling.
"Did I ever tell you that they hold matches for the stupidest storylines?" Melissa said as she took a drink of her margarita.
"No, but with a fed, whose comissioner that parodies The Rock." Triple H said. "It has to be one of the worst feds in the U.S."
"Well it was between Christie Ricci and a woman who calls herself the Diva. I don't remember her name though. Anyway, the match was over a hotel phone bill that was forty dollars."
"Forty dollars?" JBL was about ready to break down laughing at that comment. "They have a match between each other over a stupid phone bill?"
"Well the Diva didn't want to pay it so she used brass knuckles to knock Christie out and pin her for the three count leaving Christie to pay the phone bill."
"How did you know ahout the match?" Ric asked.
"They put it online. With like a bunch of ads that play when the match was getting good." Ariel said.
"I've heard about this fed before." Triple H said. "They don't have any good wrestlers, but they have former strippers."
"No wonder why it's not getting a TV deal." JBL was practically laughing so hard he was in tears.
Team Samurai and Team Birdman were having a Sake drinking contest. Well Phil of Team Birdman was making bets for his team.
"Come on Birdman! Drink that rice wine!" Phil shouted. "I want to be swimming naked in a pile of money!"
Everybody within a few inches of Phil edged slowly away. Fuu was cheering her team on and unfortunately; Mugen passed out from drinking too much. Much to Fuu's dismay.
Space Ghost was interviewing Kazuma on being a Alter and entering the Cannonball Run. Kazuma is drunker than a alcoholic.
"If you don't shut the hell up..." A druken Kazuma said. "I'm going to kick your ass right here, right now."
"Well you're the one...!" Space Ghost was interrupted by Kazuma hoping over the table and decking him in the face. Moltar and Zorak burst into laughter and spit out their beers in a fine mist.
Everyone watching the performance cheering as the band takes a bow and leaves. "Thank you Cannonballers and fans. We'll be here for the duration of the Cannonball."
Team G4, Dominic, Brian, CJ, Ed, Waterman, Alphonse and Mikey are playing a round or two of multiplayer Halo 2; over by the Xbox displays. The Xbox displays also show footage of various Xbox 360 games. Including a trailer of Rumble Roses XX, to which Ariel and Melissa are watching.
"No wonder why the first Rumble Roses did so well." Ariel said.
Back with the guys playing Halo. It seems Adam is on another one of his shouting the word kill as loud as he can modes. Big C edges away from teh X Play host. So that he wouldn't be associated with him at this time. Coach McGuirk had joined Brendon in helping him on Halo 2. Sadly to say, Coach McGuirk has never played a first person shooter game in his entire life and is getting killed every ten seconds after his Elite is killed.
Tornado Shanks was getting yelled at by Quinn. Actually Quinn is mumbling a bunch of swear words he wanted to get off his chest. Soon Quinn had clamed down and started to talk to his captain about the race.
"Are you sure you won't get a scratch on it?" Quinn said.
"Trust me Quinn." Shanks said. "Not a scratch."
Quinn hung up after saying his goodbyes and well wishes to the Sealab team. His girlfriend, Debbie, walks up and hugs him.
"What's wrong Quinn?" she asked.
"It's like I'm not going to see the Dolphin again." he replied.
"I know what will make you all better." then she whispered in his ear and he smiled.
"Oh Hell yeah!"
Back at the Convention Center. Country comedian singer Cletus T. Judd and comedian singer Weird Al Yankovic took the stage.
"Okay folks." Weird Al said. "Since Toby Keith wasn't on call for tonight. I decided to sing this song with Cletus here."
"This song may not be about the Cannonball, but it's about racing." Cletus said. "So here now is 'I Love NASCAR'!"
The two began to play as the crowd erupted into cheers.
Song: "I love NASCAR" by Cletus T. Judd and Toby Keith
Grove Street Families was sitting with the grown up members of Team Alchemy.
"Did you know my assistant is a marksman?" Roy said to CJ.
"Go on." CJ said interested.
Dominic and Brian had won their second game of Halo 2. Brian and Dominic high fived each other and continued to play.
Paul Sr. and Paul Jr. watched Mikey play. Then they walked around and caught sight of the World of Warcraft area.
"Can you believe there are people who are wasting their lives by playing this game, Pops?" Paul Jr. said.
"I know." Paul Sr. said. "Video games are going to be the downfall of western society someday. Just you watch."
Paul Sr. walks away.
"I thought that MTV is the downfall of western society!" Paul Jr. shouted and eventually followed his dad.
Just as the two comedians left the stage. Stage hands brought out a podium and several American flags. Brock Yates walked on stage and stood behind the podium.
"Welcome once again Cannonballers and racing fans from all over the world. Later tonight thirty teams are going to compete in something has never been done before. The first ever Cannonball Run World Tour."
There were applause and cheers as the Cannonballers that were playing the video games watched the speech on TV monitors. The video games were turned off and the speech was shown.
"Tonight we'll start the race at midnight on the dot. You can leave within the hour of midnight. But before we draw to see what order every one is leaving. And before we hand out the license plates so we can identify your car as a Cannonball vehicle. We have a certain bill to be signed. In fact there is only one man that can pass this bill and he's backstage waiting to come up here. Ladies and Gentlemen. Please put your hands together for the President of the United States George W. Bush."
Trey, Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld began to play "Hail to the Chief" as George walks on stage and shakes hands with Brock.
"Laides and Gentlemen..." Bush began. "Right here in front of me is the bill that will let you run wild around the world. Now remember there is no country in the world, that gives the death penalty for speeding. I don't know about Iraq though, because those insurgents may not like people speeding on 'their' highways. But you can be rest assured that the U.S. military and Iraqi military will just give you a slap on the wrist and be on your way."
Everyone cheers at that comment and then Bush calls Brock over to add his name to the bill. Once Brock signed it, Bush took the pen. "By order of the President of the United States, let the first ever Cannonball Run World Tour BEGIN!"
Then Bush signed it and it's now official. The Cannonball has begun and the Cannonballers cheered and went outside to work on their cars.
That night the Cannonballers were making last minute adjustments to their vehicles. Brian and Dominic were by the Furious. Brian finished installing the nitrous oxide booster.
"Okay, the nitrous is hooked up." Brian said. "I think the Furious is ready for action."
"Let's see here..." Dominic was looking over the list of things they did to the Furious. "Nitrous, check. Weight distribution, double check. Cannonball Run license plate, check. Soda dispenser and snack container?"
Brian opened the Furious and there was a soda dispenser that gave him a can of Root Beer. Then he pulls a bag of Cheetos from a container in between the driver and passenger seat. "Check."
"Looks like we're good to go. Come on, let's got get one last beer for the road."
"Dominic, we can't be drinking to much. Especially you. You're driving first." Brian said.
"I know, but I just one last beer before we go speeding through the United States" Dominic said.
GOB walked back over to the Wizard and the rest of Team Bluth. Micheal looked up from under the hood.
"Well, what is the other competition like?" he asked.
"We won't have much trouble winning. It seems other teams are scared of the Wizard." GOB said. Michael looks at him suspiciously.
GOB lied to them and didn't do a very good job of it. Let's see what he has been telling the other teams in a flashback, shall we?
GOB is standing near the Freedom. Roger is asking him what horseower the Wizard has.
"It has 400 horespower."
Then we see him over by Team Heros. Black Mage is asking about the horsepower.
"It has 500 horsepower." GOB said.
"You're full of bulls---!" Black Mage said.
Then he told Team Diva Killaz the horse power.
"It's 600 horsepower!" GOB said to a umimpressed Kayla and Deville.
"He's f---ing with our minds." Kayla said.
Finally he visisted two more teams. Team Graboid and Team Psi Ops. With Team Psi Ops...
"Our van has... did anybody tell you have pink flowers all over your car?" GOB said.
Nick and Raz were in the middle of repainting the Esper with royal tahitian blue. To cover all of the pink flower patterns.
"We know." they said in unison.
With Team Graboid, it was a whole different story all together. Basically GOB had to avoid getting his face blown off by Burt's .50 Caliber rifle. Which Tyler was trying to wrestle out of his hands without a shot going off. They were in the middle of repainting their car too.
"Yeah they're pretty scared of our van." GOB said. "I'll fix the hot tub later."
Bo and Luke finished putting cans of soda into a cooler.
"A man can't live on bread alone." Bo said.
"Do we have enough ice for all of this soda?" Luke asked.
"Got the snacks?" Luke should've known better because Bo held up a big bag of chips. "Just finish putting this soda into the cooler and I'll get some more snacks."
Team Waterman were having trouble with the Awesome. Preferbly because they have never worked on a car in their entire lives.
"Does anybody know how to work on a car?" Waterman asked as his team stared at the Awesome with clueless stares.
Next to them was the Red Neck. Jeff looked over at them.
"Well you might be a loser if you've never worked on a car before." he said.
Waterman and his group laughed until they realized the joke was aimed at them. "Hey."
Jeff turned around to continue checking under the hood of the Red Neck. When Larry decided it might be funny if he honked the horn. He did and it let out a musical sound. This scared Jeff that he jumped, hit his head on the hood and fell unconsicous. Larry realized what he did and went to check on him.
"Jeff?" Larry took a stick from the Red Neck and poked him with it. "I think I killed him."
"No you didn't kill him." Bill said. "You just knocked him out cold."
It was time to start the race and first off was Team Strawhat. Luffy punched his time card and got back into the Merry Go. Then the Merry Go drove off into the night. The Cannonball Run has officially begun.
Song: "Hey Ho, Let's Go!" The Ramones
The Car of War was next to leave the starting line. X got out and punched the time card and climbed back in.
"Okay we're clocked in. GO! GO!" X shouted.
"Buckle your seat belts." Kratos said. "Because we're off."
"Okay guys." Cliff said from the driver's seat of the futuristic looking inside of the Thunder Arrow.Cliff was driving first. "Fayt clocked us in and we're off."
The Bandit was up. Goemon clocked in and the Bandit took off.
The RX-78 was next. Kamille clocked in from the passneger's seat and then Amuro slammed his foot down on the gas.
The Tyrant was last to go. Nicolai clocked in and turned to Wesker as the Tyrant pulled out into the night.
"How the hell did you get us to leave the starting line last?" he asked.
"Would you believe that I was out taking a whiz when they were drawing?" Wesker asked.
"Then shut up because we're going to catch to them."
Sauron and Wayne stood by a van that news stations use. It's called the Newsvan and it's being used to monitor the Cannonballers. So the bad guys can slow them down.
"Are you sure you can hack into their satellite that monitor's the Cannonballers' progress?" Sauron asked.
"Yes master. The Orcs are watching them now." Wayne said. Sauron looked through binoculars as the Cannonball Run Security Team sped off with their sirens wailing and the lights on.
In the New York Cop Car, Hellboy got on his CB radio. "All cars report in."
"This is Zero in the LA Cop Car. We read you Hellboy."
"This is Dash in the Police SUV reporting in."
"This is Violet in the London Car 1 reporting in."
"This Jak in the London Car 2 reporting in."
"This is Nicol in the Paris Cop Car waiting to protect the Cannonballers."
"This is Kira in the Tokyo Cop Car. We're ready for your next order."
"Good, everybody scatter and watch the Cannonballers. You all have your monitors showing you where the Cannonballers are at. So pick a team or two and protect them."
"Yes sir!" they all shouted.
Coltrane and Hogg saw all of those willing to arrest the Cannonballers and they were impressed.
"Looks like we got a good crowd." Hogg said.
"Looks like that way." Coltrane said. "Say I want you to meet someone. Come on over here."
A female wearing a olive green t-shirt, green camouflage pants and black combat boots walked up. "Hello I'm Sergeant Janice Foyt of the United States Army."
"Nice to meet you." Hogg shook her hand. "I see you're willing to make sure the Cannonballers are in jail. It'll be great working with someone from the Army."
"It will be indeed sir."
"Let's not call me sir. Just call me Boss. Since my name is Boss Hogg." Hogg said.
"Is this all we're going to get?" Hogg asked Coltrane.
"Yes Boss. We've got a bounty hunter team that is here because one of the Cannonballers has a bounty on their head."
"Give them one of our undercover vehicles and send them out there." Hogg ordered. "Obviously this person is dangerous and must be brought to justice."
Author's Comment: Read, review and send me your guess on the top three that YOU think will win. Everything is explained on Chapter 2. Next chapter the voting begins and that too is explained at the end of Chapter 2.