Disclaimer- I own nothing; I’m merely borrowing some characters as an outlet for some rageahol. (No, that’s not a word and no, it’s not spelt right.)

A/N- This is pretty short; I was in a depressed mood when I started it. And I decided to finish it and post it. It’s interesting that almost all of my fics are angsty because I’m in that kind of mood. It would lead one to believe I’m quite a depressed person, oddly enough I’m not. I’m quite happy and bubbly, anyway do review. I’d really appreciate it.

Him, him, him, him, HIM! He makes me feel so good and so incredibly bad at the same time. Whenever I think of him I feel like I’m floating, then the harsh reality brings my fantasies crashing down. And a depression sets over me, it’s usually only temporary. But right now it’s hit me hard.

Emotional landscapes,
They puzzle me - confuse,
Then the riddle gets solved,
And you push me up to this
State of emergency

I know, I know. I’m only 14. And he didn’t ever like me, we never had a relationship. But I can’t believe how crappy I feel when I realize he will never notice me.

It’s just a crush and I haven’t gotten my heart broken or been dumped but somehow this seems so much worse. I don’t know how I’ll ever get over it if my heart ever does get broken. Or when I fall in love. I don’t know how anyone does it. Heck right now it feels like I love him, I don't think I do though. But it feels so real right now. I'll probably laugh it off in a couple of years but now it sucks, it bloody well sucks!

He’s affected my life so much and he doesn’t even know who I am. Well, that’s not true. He does know who I am; he’s on the same team as me. But that’s as far as it goes.

This is pretty dramatic considering I’ve only just realized how amazing he is. I’ve only just discovered that he can make my stomach fly. I’ve only just realized he may even be able to make me cry. I don’t like people being able to affect me like this. He doesn’t even know it but he’s all I think about. Well maybe not all, but I think about him more than I want.

He doesn’t even know. He goes out with a lot of girls; he has never given me a second glace. If he ever did look in my direction twice it would be because some slut was walking behind me. Then he’d be dating her almost as fast as he can fly.

I turn my back and you're messin' around
I'm not really jealous, just don't like lookin' like a clown

I think of you every night and day
You took my heart then you took my pride away

I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you that's why
I hate myself for loving you

Even if it has just happened so much of me has changed. See, he’s the first person that I have admitted to liking, really liking. I haven’t said it to anyone else, but I’ve admitted it to myself and that’s huge.

There is one more who I thought I liked, I told Alicia once because she kept bugging me. But then I realized that no, I didn’t like him. I thought I might actually like him again this year, but after I found HIM… no one else mattered.

I want him to pay attention. I’m not being desperate and making a fool out of myself like that Chang girl. But I’m trying, I’m practicing, I’m getting better. I might be as good as him one day.

Maybe we’ll play for the same professional team, maybe one day he’ll see me. The real me, if he does; right now I feel like I’ll be waiting for him. I feel like he’s the only one. The only one who will ever understand me, the only one who would really care.

I need a miracle,
I wanna be your girl.
Give me a chance to see,
That you are made for me.

Ironic isn’t it? I think he’s the only one who will care, yet I’m nothing to him right now. I’m just a chaser, a 4th year to his 7th.

The thing that really scares me is he’s the first person I’ve ever felt this way about before. Yes he is my first and only crush so far. And I hate the way I feel about him. I feel like such a girl, I know I am a girl but I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never thought like this before.

I have these evil little voices in my head that take over when it comes to him. They tell me to try harder; they tell me I need to impress him. And then there’s the thought that unsettles me the most. If he ever was possessed by something and, for god knows what reason… If he ever kissed me or tried to kiss me or asked to kiss me or hinted that he might one day want to kiss me. I wouldn’t stop him.

Wanna know who you are

Wanna know where to start

I wanna know what this means

Wanna know how you feel

Wanna know what is real

I wanna know everything

Everything

I think guys are good looking. But I’ve never felt comfortable with the thought of kissing any of them. I like to swoon over a guy occasionally but I would never want to do anything about it. In fact I would discourage it.

I’ve dreamt about my first kiss. How it would happen, what it would be like, where it would be. But whenever I tried to fit someone in there it never worked. They didn’t seem to belong. My dreams stopped short of the guy actually giving me my first kiss.

But I just realized that he is fits there. I can see it, I’m okay with it. I almost want it. That thought really creeps me out, no it doesn’t, it scares me. Because it’s new, and it has to do with something potentially very embarrassing. I, of course, would never instigate such a thing. But it scares me that it might happen. But at the same time I feel happy at the thought of it.

I hate that he can make me feel like this, I know I’m being repetitive but it’s true and it all scares me. I’m falling hard. Whenever I see him I fall all over again, and I don’t have anyone to catch me. Every time I fall I hit the ground harder than the last.

I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you that's why
I hate myself for loving you
I hate myself for loving you

I don’t have anyone to talk to; I don’t have any close friends in my year. Heck, I don’t have any close friends at all. I can’t talk to my mum about boys and feelings and all that crap, mostly because she died two years ago. That’s probably why I haven’t liked a guy before now. I was slow growing up.

But I don’t want to tell anyone about it. I’ll just make myself embarrassed and feel stupid. It’s just a crush; I don’t have to talk about it. I’m happy just mooning and sulking over him. Then I realize how badly I’m kidding myself. I want him to just know it and to feel the same way. I want him to pick me up after I fall to pieces; I want him to stop my tears.

I don't want to fall to pieces

I just want to sit and stare at you

I don't want to talk about it

And I don't want a conversation

I just want to cry in front of you

I don't want to talk about it

'Cause I'm in love with you

But instead he follows me everywhere. Not really, but he fills my mind. I try to push it away; I don’t want to be reminded of something I can’t have. So I try not to think about him, but then he goes and fills my dreams. It’s so frustrating! He has no idea who I am and how I feel but he fills my mind every day.

You don't remember me, but I remember you
I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you
But who can decide what they dream, and dream I do

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you
To live, to breathe
You're taking over me

Now my thoughts are running in circles but it all comes back to the same thing. I want him to care, I want him to know but I don’t want to tell him. I want to be with him but I want him to leave me alone. I want to fill his mind, I want him in mine. But at the same time I want him to get out of my dreams. I want to love him and I want to hate him.

I don’t understand how I am more miserable loving somebody than when I didn’t. You’d think I’d be happier with someone to care about, someone to think about. But it’s the opposite, I feel more alone now I that I love him. Because I know he will never love me and that’s slowly pulling me down. I’m drowning in my own depression. Oliver Wood is a brick and he’s drowning me.

Now that I have found someone

I'm feeling more alone

Than I ever have before

He's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

I'm alone

Now I know it

Taking Over Me- Evanescence

Miracle- Cascada

Fall to Pieces- Avril Lavigne

Joga- Bjork

I Hate Myself for Loving You- Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

Brick- Ben Folds

They are in no particular order, if you can figure out which lyrics match the song then congratulations. If not I’m sure you’ll live. And the lyrics in the song ‘Brick’ actually have ‘she’ not ‘he’ in them, but I changed it to suit the characters point of view. Don’t kill me and don’t forget to REVIEW!