|How do Flowers Hurt?
Author: Dionysus S PM
Just like the title says. How does Zelos fight with flowers? How do cards hurt? Why does Mithos wear bracelets. Why is there a light saber in Tales of Symphonia? What does Raine say when she attacks people?Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 13 - Words: 16,632 - Reviews: 87 - Favs: 20 - Follows: 6 - Updated: 02-18-07 - Published: 09-02-05 - id: 2563326
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Yeah, sorry for the long wait. I'm now officially out of my Hiatus–will probably update my SSBM stories first. Or write a Tales of the Abyss Guy/Luke fanfic. Anyway, here's the next chapter.
Yeah...I need to go back to working on my funny.
Warning: Some hints of shounen-ai, OOC-ness (like always), language, stupidity, and things that don't make sense. And the fact that Kratos knows about France doesn't make sense either.
Disclaimer: XD Hehe, I got this idea from one of my most loved friends on GAIA: Daruki. There was a question asked (I don't even remember if I was the one who asked it), "Why does Yggy wear spandex?", and she gave this explanation on why he wears one. So...this chapter is answering the question why Yggy wears spandex. O Oh yeah, I do not own the following: Tales of Symphonia, or Tales of Legendia. The rock...is my own creation, and 'Mmmmyes' came from one of my other friends on GAIA Rping as Kvar. Gawd, my friends are sad.
Collet--Colette. Drr. Deal with it.
My Spandex brings all the Horses to the yard
Book in hand, Kratos walked down the hallways of Vinheim. Then he walked up the staircases of Vinheim. And then, finally, he walked in the rooms of Vinheim.
Well, that part didn't happen.
Just Kratos' luck, the blue-haired gay idiot suddenly appeared in front of him.
"Yu...what the hell are you wearing?" The auburn haired man asked, screwing up his totally hawt face with a large scowl.
Dawned in an all black, tight leather outfit (with a whip in his right hand), Yuan flipped his hair–which was currently out of its normal ponytail. "Shut up, Aurion. You know I look hot."
"No. You look gay." Was Kratos' simple reply.
"Same thing. Anyway, I came to tell you, hun, explain to Mithos that I'll be out at a strip clu–er, I mean, dance club."
"...Today's the day when we get fitted for our new clothes. Mithos will be angry."
"And you think I give a shit? Anyway, deliver the message for him, hun."
"Don't call me that."
"Right, right. Hun." Yuan blew Kratos a kiss before he skipped off down the hall. To..somewhere.
Oh, right. The Strip Club.
Kratos shuddered, brought his book back to his face and continued his walk. Once he reached his destination, he rapped the door once before trotting in.
Mithos was standing in front of a mirror, arms out at either side of him. Behind the small boy was a taller, white-haired man.
"Hey, Kratos." The 14-year-old greeted, smiling at him. He put his hands down for a second, which caused the man behind him to gasp about sixteen times.
"Ah, hello Mithos. Hello Hans." Kratos nodded at the stylist before closing the door to the room. "So, after Mithos is done, I guess you will be getting my measurements next?"
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmyes." Hans replied.
Kratos stared at him for ten minutes.
"Kuraaaa" Mithos sang out, throwing his hands up in the air. "What is that you're reading?"
Hans looked at Kratos, and Kratos looked back at Hans, face paling. "Um...well, er...uh..."
"IT'S PORNO, ISN'T IT?! LET ME SEE! LET ME SE--" The annoying half-elven boy tilted the palm of his left-hand back. As he started up his annoying screams of annoying again, Mithos got overexcited, and instead of farting, a beam of white light formed in his hand and shot out at Hans.
"Mmmmmmmmmmno." And Hans died that very day. Actually, he exploded.
Silence hung in the air for about five minutes, before Kratos spoke up: "...It's a book...Machiavelli's The Prince. To say the very least, it is extremely inter-"
"Shut up, Kratos."
Ten days after that sad day...
Yggdrasill moaned–exaggerated porn-style–and glared at the teenager standing in front of him. The blond leader of Cruxis slid down a bit in his uber leet throne, "Who is this?"
"Hans' apprentice: Walter Delques."
Yggdrasill sat back up, eyeing the other blond-haired boy. "He has a last name now?"
Walter and Kratos just stared.
"...don't answer that. Anyway, can he make leet outfits for me and my crew?"
Walter, who had been kneeling down, got up and took a step forward. "Actually, my lord," He started, gazing at Yggy with lame blue eyes. "I, sadly, know nothing else but how to make spandexes."
"That's not a word."
They both ignored Kratos.
"That's all right, Walter. I don't mind. As long as..." Yggdrasill rose from his throne (he floats, remember that), and slid his hands down the sexy curves of his body. "It shows my features." And by features, Mithos meant he wanted an outfit that made him look like an adult.
Walter nodded three times, and took out his measuring devices.
Yggdrasill began to check the older man out, "...Kratos? Where is Yuan?"
The human coughed, "My lordship, I think he said something about wanting to go and party at a dance club."
"...That cannot be true. ...Yuan seems too serious for that. ...besides, he has been Emo ever since my...Martel died."
Blinded by the neon colored lights, the brown-haired half-elf used his hands to shield his eyes and to cover his left ear from the roaring techno.
"Master Yuan...where are you...?" Botta questioned out loud, pushing past a bunch of humans taking/using/snuffing Ex.
"OH YEAH, BABEH, ROCK THAT HORSE!"
Botta No-Last-Name paled and covered his mouth. He knew that voice.
Turning about 150 degrees West, he saw a huge crowd of people forming a circle around the main stage. A long pole was drilled into it...and on the stage...were two people.
Shivering, Botta quickly made his way to the area, as fast as he could.
Fifteen minutes of kicking people later, he reached his destination.
And to his horror, he saw his blue-haired bud for life pole-dancing with some...red-haired girl. Or guy. He couldn't tell.
"Master Yuan!" Botta called. But his words went unheeded. Drastic times call for drastic measures. Taking in a deep breath, the half-elf took three steps back and launched himself forward, flying into the red-haired she-man, and shoving him/her off the stage.
No one cared, actually. They all shrugged and went back to go shoot some drugs.
"Booootttaaaa" Yuan sang out, winding himself around the poll.
"Master Yuan," Said man repeated for the 15th time that day. "We must go and organize the Renegades!"
"Rent-a-gays? What kind of name is that for an organization...?" Yuan slurred, falling down on his ass. He then cracked his whip for no apparent reason.
"Renegades? That's even WORSEsss! A...and where di...did my date go?" Yuan asked, rolling around on the ground.
"He's on the floor."
"No...not a guy. O...oh, he...hey. D-did I eva tell you you're very, very ugly?"
"OMGWTF?!" Botta screeched, throwing himself to the floor so he could cry.
Yggdrasill lips were still in the shape of an 'O'. "No, I can't imagine Yuan at a Dance Club."
"Done with your measurements, my lord. I will go and tailor up your new attire right away." With that said, Walter promptly excused himself from the room.
"...Lord Yggdrasill? Who will be doing my clothes?" Kratos questioned, a bit confused. Wasn't Walter supposed to take his measurements too?
"...Kratos? Oh, I didn't even realize you were here."
"That's your Tailor." Yggdrasill pointed a well-manicured finger off towards the deepest, darkest corner of the room.
"No, you imbecile, the thing IN the shadows."
And out rolled a rock.
"Yes. Name's Jay!Boulder. He will be your tailor-er."
"That's not a word, my lord."
"Hey? Hey? Hey, Kratos? Shut the fuck up."
"Yes, my lord."
After a night out on the town (or horse), Yuan came skipping back into Welgaia, dawned in his uber leet blue and cool outfit (the one you NOW see him wear). Botta, his manly assistant, decided that they needed a cool tailor to do their clothes, so he found the best in the Tethe'allan area:
Actually, the person's name isn't important.
He made it to the Great Seed Hall, where Yggdrasill was going to hold a meeting.
"Good day, Lord Yggdrai...whoa."
"...What, Yuan, you don't like my Spandex?!" The deranged angel yelled, giving Walter a pimp kick to the face. "I said I wanted something to show my adult features! Not my ladylike build!"
"My apologies, my lord. My apologies."
And insert two minutes of excessive pimp kicking and pimp smacking here.
Kratos strolled in, dawned in his beautifully ghey purple duds. He took one look at Yggdrasill and turned around, quickly leaving the premise.
Then he came back.
"Good morning, my Lord."
Yggdrasill stopped his abuse, "...How did a ROCK do a better job than...than...Humans are so damn USELESS!"
Yuan and Kratos had to cover their ears. So, the two spent the rest of their day doing absolutely nothing.
They never found out what the meeting was about.
"And that is why Yggdrasill wears spandexes." Kratos concluded, nodding his head.
Lloyd and his group stared at the older man.
"Yo, we didn't even ask you why he wore spandex." Zelos scowled.
"Spandexes isn't a word." Raine corrected.
Presea rose an eyebrow, "How can a rock tailor clothes?"
"How did you know what I did at that strip club?! That's a plot hole!" Yuan screamed at the top of his lungs, pointing a finger at Kratos.
"Why was a human working for Yggdrasill?" Genis questioned.
Collet also wanted to jump in, "How can you rock a horse?"
Kratos glared at Regal, Sheena and Lloyd, almost daring them to ask him a question. "First of all," The man started, turning his attention to Collet. "It's because Yuan is an idiot. And you," He nodded at Genis. "I'm going to ignore that question." The former Cruxis member then looked at Yuan. "Because I just know. And your face is a plot-hole" Next was Raine. "Shut the hell up." And last was Zelos.
The redhead scoffed, "You forgot Presea."
"Oh right. Because rocks can, Combatir, because they can." And NOW it was Zelos.
"That's like asking why you're so damn gay. But I'll get straight to the point: For almost an eternity, I thought that the only way to save this world was to cling to Mithos' ideals. Just as you once agreed with Mithos' ideals, I, too, thought his was the only way. But Lloyd is different. He taught me that in order to change something, you must do it yourself. It is not enough to merely rely on someone else and go along with their ideals."
Everyone was taken by surprise.
"H-hey! You said the exact same thing to ORIGIN!" Lloyd stood up, and punched the wall he was sitting next to.
"Watch the wood, Lloyd." An Irish sounding voice called from inside the house.
"That had absolutely no relevance to what I said a few minutes ago, old man." And then Zelos began to snort.
"Shut your mouth, before I take you by the hair, drag you into Dirk's house, take you into Lloyd's room, throw you onto his bed, rip off your clothes, tie you up with those strings on his collar, show you how they really kiss in France, insert thousands of hours of foreplay here and rape you."
The wind, birds, animals, sun, clouds and everything caught in-between stopped instantaneously.
"So...you guys wanna go to the Strip Club down in Palmacosta?" Yuan questioned, standing up.
"LAWLZ, LET'S GO!" Everyone cheered, getting to their feet.
And so, Kratos, Yuan, Zelos, Lloyd, Regal, Collet, Genis, Raine, Presea, Noishe, and Dirk all ran down the road to Viridian...Palmacosta.