This story has been reposted since I have received notice that any overly-long author notes and/or review replies can get a story deleted. If you have any kind of issue with a story of mine, PLEASE email me or notify me in a review BEFORE going to a site admin; I have put a great deal of work and love into my stories. Thank you!

Disclaimer: This is AU in the sense that canon events are the same but it takes place outside the Harry Potter world...you'll see what I mean. I own nothing, by the way.

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"Yes," said Hermione grumpily. "Basically, they all boil down to this: 'My name is Estirreana/Winter/Katherine-but-you-can-call-me-Kat/Nikki. I am half-blood and secretly the sister/cousin/daughter of (usually) Harry Potter. I am even more powerful than he is, and was a secret Auror from the time I was 12. I have long, flowing, abundant tresses of the deepest red/chestnut/ebony/burnished gold and ageless eyes of amethyst/violet/fathomless black/piercing emerald/sparkling blue. I have an impossibly small waist and size EE bosom. Everyone instantly loves me, beside from my incredible (wandless) magical powers, I am the most intelligent witch in 900 years and have the voice of an angel. I am wonderfully gifted at Quidditch—far surpassing the Potters—and have a sense of humor equaled by the Marauders and the Weasley twins put together. I know all the secrets of Hogwarts and can avoid Mrs. Norris without the invisibility cloak, since all animals adore me. I am part-Elven. Draco Malfoy turns into the world's sweetest boy-toy around me, and Snape gives me points in class for absolutely no reason at all. Harry and Ron, of course, are madly in love with me, as are Sirius and Remus since I traveled back in time and got James and Lily together…'"

She stopped. Harry and Ron were staring at her, mouths wide open. Harry opened and closed his mouth a few times before swallowing and managing to choke out, "People actually write this rubbish?"

"Oh, loads of it," Hermione said darkly. "Many of them portray me as a Sue! Me! Usually I am abused in some way, or have some horribly depressing life that no one knows about—but I manage to grow about 8 bra sizes and capture the hearts of every boy at Hogwarts, and, disgustingly, Snape himself. Often these stories lead to Malfoy and I snogging, or worse." She shuddered. "By the way, Sues may be the bravest/strongest/most powerful beings on the face of the earth, but they seem to be incredibly helpless as well, crying into the 'strong, handsome young man's' shoulder to avoid looking at the dead bunny rabbit."

"Which their 'sweet' singing voice probably killed," muttered Ron darkly.

"Oh, and you know how much of a little…little…scarlet woman I'm portrayed as?" Hermione demanded, hands on hips.

Harry and Ron glanced at each other, then collapsed to the floor, nearly choking with laughter as they rolled around, clutching their stomachs.

"What? What did I say?" Hermione glared at them accusingly.

"S-scarlet…woman…" Harry gasped. "You…have… got…to be…kidding me…"

Hermione flushed red. "Oh, shut it."

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