Chapter 2: Room Service

Fuji>

Behold the Taoism of Orgydom: Whoever controls sex, controls the relationship.

Ryoma is the master of booty bargaining. And I admit it freely.

Ryoma likes to think of himself as the wild card of this convoluted relationship of ours. He thrives on unpredictability, and finds a certain pleasure in keeping the rest of us on our toes. It's pretty much similar to the way he plays tennis—just the right blend of mischief and mystery to suck you in, making you believe you're winning and when you realize that he's totally playing with you, it's too late.

To a certain extent, Ryoma does have control over the course of our sexual activities. If I am to compare our relationship to a scientific experiment, I could say that Ryoma is the control variable, the rest of us are constants, and Keigo's gigantic bedroom is the experimental set-up.

But as all scientific processes go, control variables act according to how they are manipulated. In this case, the control issue is a circular process, because the controller and the controlled serve mutual purposes. Ryoma calls the shots, but we, his senpais, are the ones who influence him to make said shots.

And usually, it is a battle of Keigo and I versus Genchirou and Kunimitsu that decides our libidinous fates.

As elusive as Ryoma gets, he cannot evade our grasps forever. It takes patience and a well-devised underhanded set-up to be able to accurately manipulate Ryoma without him realizing it but the reward is always well worth the risk.

And modesty aside, I'm not exactly called a genius for nothing—and underhanded goes a long way with me. According to most tennis articles in junior high and high school, Fuji Syuusuke is "a genius, a mysterious, wily, subtle and calculating player whose smiling face makes it impossible for anyone to gauge his true abilities."

When I showed the magazine that bore those particular words to my lovers, Ryoma immediately snorted and snatched it from my grasp.

"You are also sadistic, sneaky, conniving and opportunistic," Ryoma added, as his eyes skimmed the rest of the article. "And those are your good points."

Tezuka nodded, looking almost proud of him. Genchirou sipped his tea much faster. Keigo hid his smirk behind his hand. I could almost hear a voice keeping score.

Love- 15 in favor of Ryoma.

I smiled at Ryoma's typical sweetness and turned over the magazine to his own profile page. It showed a very swoon-worthy shot of Ryoma doing the cyclone smash with his shirt and shorts both riding up so high, it's almost non-worksafe, but the fans madly appreciate it. The article said: "Echizen Ryoma, son of the legendary tennis hero 'Samurai' Echizen Nanjiroh, is a tennis prodigy whose professional-level tennis skills, cocksure smile and unparalleled confidence earned him the fan-title of 'the prince of tennis.'"

I watched him read the article for a few more seconds before speaking. "You are also a snarky brat whose guttural grunts and shouts serve as effective aphrodisiacs to anyone with a normal-sized libido and as such would make it impossible for anyone to play you without developing a tent in his shorts," I casually asserted, watching as the snide expression from Ryoma's face dropped and transfered to mine. "And those are your most attractive points."

15 all.

It's true though. Ryoma's noises in the tennis courts are similar to his noises inside the bedroom. Every tennis match is like live radio porn. Keigo openly agrees with me and I know Kunimitsu and Genchirou do too, only they won't admit it.

When I told Ryoma about it, his succeeding tennis matches became unsurprisingly quieter. However, according to Inui's data, Ryoma compensated for his lack of vocal plays with a 9.78 increase in the strength of his serves, a 6.98 increase in the speed of his returns, and an overwhelming 58 increase in his opponents' uttered profanities.

Going back to the present though, we come to another start of a decisive battle.

Currently, it's a Friday night and I'm sitting on the magnificent Persian carpet of Keigo's massive bedroom, observing a brownie Inui gave me for testing a while ago. Keigo is on the phone, discussing stock acquisitions with his corporate lackeys. Kunimitsu is reading another book. Genchirou is amusing himself with his recent discovery of the SIMS on Keigo's laptop.

Ryoma isn't here yet since he has a night class during Fridays. Normally, I'd wait for him in the university but I had to take care of some things… for tonight's endeavor.

"Syuusuke."

I look up and find Kunimitsu frowning at me—or at the brownie I'm holding, to be more precise. "Yes?"

He puts down his book and leans forward slightly to get a better look. "Is that what I think it is?"

I shrug. "Depends on what you think it is."

"Syuusuke." Kunimitsu's voice is much firmer now and I suppress a chuckle. "Is that marijuana?"

That gets Keigo and Genchirou's attention. Genchirou pauses his game, and turns around to stare at us, his normally stoic expression cracking just enough to show his surprise. Keigo doesn't get off the phone, but his narrowed eyes are looking pointedly at me.

I lick my lips, which is Keigo's and my silent code for "I have a plan." When Keigo's skepticism remains, I casually ran a hand through my hair.

Which is our code for "I swear to all things good and holy that I know what I'm doing. Don't worry."

That seems to mollify Keigo a bit but he keeps his eyes trained in our direction for good measure. I really can't blame him for his suspicions. Keigo and I may agree on most things regarding our relationship but anything overtly illegal is a touchy subject for him, especially when taking into context his future plans for participation in Japan politics. He aims to be prime minister of Japan in his early thirties, and marijuana has serious legal issues that may jeopardize his future career. So I have to go over this very carefully.

I turn my attention back to Kunimitsu. "Saa, I don't know," I answer lightly, ignoring my russet-haired boyfriend's growing exasperation. "It looks like a brownie to me."

"Fuji Syuusuke." Kunimitsu's voice drops all pretension so I too, drop my own calm façade for a smirk. "Is that a marijuana brownie?"

I feel Keigo's and Genchirou's eyes boring into my head and I exhale slowly. Time to stop beating around the bush. "Yeah," I finally admit, giving the brownie a light poke. "At least I think that's what it is. I really can't be sure now. Inui has been experimenting with it."

"Inui!"

I nod, ignoring Genchirou and Kunimitsu's identical expressions of almost-noticeable disbelief. "And he wants me to test it out."

"Syuusuke."

You'd think with the way Kunimitsu calls me four times in one minute, it would seem that he loves my name so much, but then you'd be thinking wrong. "What?"

"You do know that drugs are illegal."

"I suppose so."

"Then you should be throwing that thing away."

"Saa… but I owe Inui a favor," I explain, refusing to budge. "Besides, it's not like you're gonna have me arrested."

"Syuusuke…"

"Come on Kunimitsu," I chide almost playfully. "I'm not hurting anyone." Yet.

Kunimitsu's face remains stern for a few more seconds before a resigned look takes over. "Fine," he says, picking up his book again. "But don't eat it here."

"Maa… " I smile inwardly, relieved with Kunimitsu's acquiescence. Not that it would matter if he refused anyway. "Alright."

We resume our activities prior to the impromptu round of questioning. Kunimitsu goes back to reading, Keigo goes back to discussing business agendas and Genchirou continues building his virtual family. And me? I leisurely lean back against a silver bean bag, formulating my plans for this illegal pastry in my possession.

After ten minutes of monotony, I decide to break the silence.

"Ne, Kunimitsu," I start, still looking at the neatly wrapped brownie in my hand. "What's the betting you won't be looking at that book anymore ten minutes after Ryoma gets home?"

"You are not getting me to eat that," he declares flatly, not looking up from his book.

I chuckle, not at all surprised. "Saa… you have a suspicious little mind, Kunimitsu."

"I'd prefer to call it common sense."

"Hmm. But honestly, I wasn't planning to do what you thought I was planning to do."

"Right." He glances up briefly. "That unnerving smile on your face just doesn't give it away."

The smile he is accusing me of becomes one-sided. "Saa.. Sarcasm doesn't become you."

"Looking harmless doesn't become you."

This is all too amusing. Banter with Kunimitsu isn't as biting as banter with Ryoma, or as filled with innuendo as banter with Keigo, but it is pleasurable entertainment nonetheless. "Seriously, this isn't about the brownie, Kunimitsu," I hedge, setting the brownie beside me. "As you well know, I prefer a healthier and much more legal form of addiction…" I raise my eyebrows suggestively to emphasize my point.

Tezuka gets the message immediately. "Oh no, you are NOT," he says firmly. "Not tonight, Syuusuke. Ryoma has a match tomorrow morning. He cannot afford to be… partially indisposed. "

"Maa… " I tilt my head sideways, feigning thought. "Then maybe you and Genchirou can skip your turn with him."

"I think not," Genchirou calls out, eyes still riveted to the TV screen.

I chuckle at that, and Keigo actually puts his call on hold to make a remark. "The gaki's gonna be alright," he says, half-smiling. "He gets through the match, pain or no pain." Then he goes back to his call.

Kunimitsu however, will have none of it. "He almost lost the last time," he argues.

"But that was your fault," I remind him. "I was only kidding about the round two bit."

Kunimitsu's eyes narrow slightly. More points for me. "You deliberately spiked my tea."

I smile my closed-eyed smile at him, knowing how much he hates it. "I have no idea what you're talking about," I lie easily. I so love getting a rise out of this man.

Kunimitsu opens his mouth to respond, but the door suddenly opens and a grumpy-looking Ryoma walks in. He kicks off his shoes, slams the door behind him and throws his bag on the floor before sauntering over towards us.

"Good evening to you too, Ryoma," Keigo greets, apparently finished with his call.

"Monkey King, don't put that phone down," Ryoma orders, removing his jacket. "Get me some room service." He then proceeds to take off his shirt and toss it in a nearby hamper. "I'm hungry."

Is it just me, or should Ryoma never say things like that when he's stripping?

"Is that so?" Keigo murmurs, lifting the phone from the handset again. Now, under normal circumstances, Keigo would sooner dye his hair pink than take orders from Ryoma or ANYONE for that matter, but Keigo finds Ryoma's unconscious attempt to imitate him highly entertaining. Not that the sight of Ryoma taking off his pants helps in any way. No, not at all. It's also just a startling coincidence that Kunimitsu just put down his book (for the last time this evening, I tell you) and Genchirou just turned off the SIMS game completely.

"Yeah." Ryoma, now only donned in a pair of black boxers and socks, disappears into Keigo's gigantic closet for a shirt. "Oh and make it something heavy. I'm in the mood for meat."

Ryoma really really shouldn't be saying things like that when he's stripping.

Kunimitsu stands up abruptly. "Excuse me, I need to use the bathroom."

I raise an eyebrow at this, surprised, but nonetheless pleased. Kunimitsu, leaving Ryoma unguarded right after our recent discussion? Unreal. What bathroom activity could be so important as to merit such carelessness?

Whatever. A golden gate with singing cherubs is presented before me and I have to be a retard not to take it. I wait until Kunimitsu has closed the door before picking up the brownie again.

I keep my promises. I told Kunimitsu I wouldn't eat the brownie didn't I?

So… hungry, Ryoma?

Tezuka>

Cold water on my face makes me feel less like a hypocrite.

Fuji>

Ryoma makes for a very interesting drunk. Or druggie in this case. Many people drink to make themselves interesting. I drink to make people interesting. But this isn't about drinks or me, this is about Ryoma and spiked crack.

Ryoma has this adorable tendency of covering up for his obviously drunk or "high" statements with his logical follow-ups, which all told, are indeed… logical, although in a twisted, incomprehensible way. I'm not complaining, it usually proves to be to our advantage anyway. Well, mine and Keigo's. Kunimitsu and Genchirou still have their issues.

Kunimitsu conveniently chooses this time to come back from the bathroom. Upon reaching us, he immediately notices something missing.

"Syuusuke."

"What?"

"Where's the brownie?"

I smile cheerfully and point to Ryoma who seems to have swallowed the last bit of the brownie. "Ryoma ate it."

The look on Kunimitsu's face is such a Kodak moment. Where is my camera when I need it? "The whole thing?"

"It's just a small piece," Ryoma answers for me, seemingly missing Kunimitsu's non-stoic expression. "It tasted funny though." He licks his lips and blinks. "Is that some new organic product for dieters or something?"

"Ryoma." Genchirou walks over towards us, his expression no different from Kunimitsu's. "How do you feel?"

Another blink. "Fine."

"You just ate a marijuana brownie," Kunimitsu informs him, looking pointedly at me. Ooh. Scary. "A large dose."

"I did?"

"A marijuana brownie with Inui concoctions injected in it," Genchirou adds.

"INUI concoctions?" Apart from the slight rise in his voice and the slight bulge in his eyes, there is no other sign of Ryoma's dismay. Under normal circumstances, that would be an irregularity of immense proportions but that must be the drugs taking place now.

Oh Kunimitsu, you make things so easy…

Keigo sits next to Ryoma, one arm readily snaking around the boy's waist. "That's what happens when you're so used to putting random things in your mouth," he asserts, smirking. It must be noted that he never called for room service. Smart move, Keigo. Genchirou throws him a dirty look and I couldn't suppress a small laugh.

Now you know where Ryoma's subconscious picks up the innuendos.

"Che." Apparently, Ryoma doesn't understand the complexities of the situation. Which is good. Very good. "How was I supposed to know?"

"You weren't," Kunimitsu answers curtly, still glaring at me. He really should stop staring me down like that, his facial muscles may cramp.

"Haaah?"

I smile again. Can't stop smiling actually. Good, Ryoma's reactions are getting more brainless by the second. If what Inui told me is correct then it wouldn't be long before I win this round.

"Ryoma." Kunimitsu kneels down at Ryoma's eye level and grasps his shoulders. "You're drugged." He says this with an unusual level of urgency, giving Ryoma's shoulders a slight shake.

"Oh really?" Ryoma's expression is difficult to read, as if his brain is having a difficult time appropriating a suitable reaction. Not that it would matter much. Just a few seconds more…

The four of us watch his changing expression, each with varying levels of anticipation. Then finally, Ryoma does something we've never seen him do.

He giggles. He never giggles. He laughs (hahaha) or snickers (hehehe), but he never giggles (heeheehee). And while Keigo and I find it adorable, it would seem that Genchirou and Kunimitsu find it very disturbing, if those incredulous wide-eyed looks on their faces is any indication.

My smile grows wider.

Inui is a god.

Ryoma>

Why is the world spinning? Why am I laughing? Did someone say something funny? Why is Buchou looking at Syuusuke like he's gonna disembowel him with a wooden spoon or something? Oh… I feel so so light. Is this what they call sugar high? But the brownie wasn't that sweet.

Speaking of high, I feel like…

"Senpai-tachi… I'm floating."

Fuji>

Ah. There goes Ryoma's "high" statement. I wonder how he'll rationalize that.

Atobe>

The brat thinks he's floating. This should be interesting.

Tezuka>

Ryoma thinks he's floating. Syuusuke, you bastard.

Sanada>

… He took drugs. He thinks he's floating. Oh god.

Ryoma>

I'm floating.

Wait a minute, I can't keep floating. What if I float all the way out the window and into the sky and into the moon and I couldn't stop and then I'll suddenly stop and fall and smash on the sidewalk and never play tennis again because I'm gonna be dead and—

Damn, my mind sounds like that Fudoumine guy who nearly ripped my eye off in a match.

I can't keep floating. Senpai-tachi help me.

"I can't keep floating."

They all just look at me. What, are they blind or something? I'm floating goddamit, someone's gotta pin me down.

"Someone has to sleep on top of me."

Tezuka>

Oh no.

Atobe>

Oh yes.

Sanada>

Oh god.

Fuji>

Oh Ryoma…

Ryoma>

Monkey King and Syuusuke are smiling. Oh good, they're coming to my rescue. Buchou and Genchirou too, although they're not looking too eager. Well, if Syuusuke and Keigo have something to say about it, they're not gonna stay like that for long.

Monkey King's kissing me now. Syuusuke seems to have his own tongue in Genchirou's mouth and his hands are… well, multi-tasking on someplace on someone. Buchou looks like he's trying to get out, but someone pulls him back. Oh that was me.

But hey wait… I didn't tell them to molest me, I just told them to sleep on top of—

Oh.

OH.

Oh well.

xxxxTBCxxxx

---

A/N: Literal crack. Heh. And the TezuFuji, oh man, isn't it obvious how much I adore it::leer: Next chapter will be Tezuka's spotlight. Hee. Here be sneak preview:

xxx PREVIEW xxx

"But Buchou, what if my professor asks me 'What is Philosophy?' How will I answer that?"

"He won't. Your professor can't expect you to answer that question completely."

"Why not?"

"Because philosophy is a big thing, Ryoma. People like Aristotle, Rene Descartes and Socrates spent their whole lives pondering that question but not once did they succeed in answering it completely. Philosophy is something that cannot be encapsulated within words. It's like an asymptote, you get closer and closer but you never really quite get there."

"Asymptotes? You're comparing Philosophy to math?"

"Why, do you have anything else in particular to use as an example?"

"Er… no but—"

"How about sex?"

"Sex. Right. Alright, Ryoma, Syuusuke said sex. Let's see..."

"Kunimitsu, you aren't seriously thinking about analogizing philosophy with sex… are you?"

"I'm serious Genchirou. Philosophy as a body of knowledge is relevant to almost anything within a human context."

"So how…?"

"Ah. I got it."

"You do?"

"Yes. Alright Ryoma, for that question, imagine having sex with…"

xxx END PREVIEW xxx