It was just the one time. Just that one time. Temporary insanity, no one would doubt it was anything other than that for a split second because everyone KNOWS what usually happens to people who get too close to Roxy without her explicit permission. They normally get broken into tiny little pieces. So I was suffering some minor bout of demonic possession or insanity or SOMETHING, because no sane person who knows better would just haul off and kiss her like that.

A split second after I'd done it I realized what I did and the possible consequences and it was like "Oh Christ She's Gonna Kill Me!" I backed off right away, sure she was gonna hit me or something. But she didn't and then we were kissing again and I thought my heart must have stopped stone cold dead in my chest because there was no way this was really happening, I had to have been dreaming or it's possible that she really had hit me and I'd died and this was some heavenly little delusion I was having. It was just too good to be true. I'd wanted to do that for weeks and finally had the guts to just do it. So much better than I'd imagined, but then she bolted and that was the end of it.

Honestly, I'm still a little surprised she didn't hit me. I fell backwards and lay there on the floor staring up at the ceiling, replaying those thirty seconds over and over in my mind. My heart was beating so furiously in my chest it was probably causing earth quakes on the other side of the globe, but there was no doubt that I was still alive. Giddy and shell-shocked, but very much alive.

Alive, but so stupid! I should have known she would react that way. Roxy doesn't like to be touched and that, that was way more than just touching. I should have known it would be way too much, way too fast. I know she likes me. I know she cares about me. I have NO IDEA if she likes me the way that I like her. Love her. Want her. God, what the hell was I thinking!

That's the problem in a nutshell: I wasn't thinking. I just did it. Stormer the Impulsive for a change, oh the irony. She was so cute looking through all those old photo albums and I... I'm totally out of my mind in love with her. Out of my mind, at any rate. God, she's just so cute when she's not trying to rip your head off! Even when she is trying to rip someone's head off she's still pretty cute. She can be so sweet when she's not around the other Misfits, when we're alone. Yes, I'm hopeless, let's just leave it at that and move on.

That happy train of thought derailed and then I freaked out. Oh My God, I Kissed Roxy! She didn't kill me, but she's gonna HATE me! And what if she DID get mad and started yelling at me about it and what if Craig and Aja were home and Craig found out and... You see where this is going. I spent the rest of the day a nervous wreck.

Roxy's not the first girl I've had a crush on. Honestly, she's not even the first Misfit I've had a crush on. Ok, maybe that's only partially true. She was THE first Misfit I had a crush on, but it went in phases. I had a horrible crush on Pizzazz for a short while, which is nuts because she was so scary when the band was first formed and always screaming. Don't ask me how I found that endearing, it really did scare the hell out of me for a long time. Then when Jetta joined the band I thought she was the cat's meow. Sooo sexy with that accent of hers. Loved her icy cold wit and that cool smile and those frosty grey eyes. Ugh, gave me shivers to think about.

But Roxy's always been my favorite out of them all. Love that tough girl attitude of hers; she's brash and bold and has the muscle to back it up. Street smart, rough and tough. I've never seen anyone put Pizzazz in her place the way that Roxy has a time or two. One time we were locked in the dog kennels on the Gabor Estate and Roxy flipped out; she genuinely scared Pizzazz to the point she was cowering. Oddly sexy. But what I really find attractive is how she's got this odd kind of innocence to her. She doesn't let you see it often, but it's there. There's kind of a 'little girl' quality to her in those moments. She gets this kind of 'lost' expression sometimes that just drives me crazy. I think it's sweet.

Since all this stuff happened she'd been staying at my house almost full time. Normally Roxy is so stand-offish and such a hard case, but she'd gone above and beyond for me lately. I can't even begin to describe how grateful I am for that. I needed someone so badly after I got out of the hospital. It wasn't like I could ask for help though, you know? The Misfits aren't the kind of girls you can do that with. Asking for help or showing any kind of weakness basically gets you heckled and teased and that was the last thing I needed at that point in time. It was just one bad thing on top of another and I couldn't handle it alone. Don't think I didn't try; I put on a happy face that would have won Oscars if people knew the kind of acting I was doing. It's not the kind of thing you can keep up for long, though, and eventually it got to be too much. Never in a million years did I think it'd be Roxy who was there to pick up the slack for me.

How could I not fall in love with her? She's been there for me like no one else has and- ok, I'll just come right out and say it; she saved my life. That makes her a hero. MY hero. It's practically some silly little fairy tale where the knight in shining armor saves the half-wit princess, if she was a knight and I was a half-wit. Sappy, huh? Oh yes, none sappier. But it's also kind of sweet and romantic, and that is not a language the Misfits speak, so where does that leave us? Then I start to think, what if that's all it is, just some over-blown bout of hero-worship? Co-dependent hero-worship at its finest. Don't think I haven't considered this possibility, I'd be crazy not to. But does that make what I feel for her any less real?

Maybe it was just all bad timing. I mean, let's look at this: I'd just gotten out of the hospital. Craig didn't stick around for long. My boyfriend Matthew, the man of my dreams, suddenly didn't want anything to do with me and wouldn't return my calls. (I could go on about that for days; I still don't know exactly why he did that, but damn if it doesn't hurt.) My favorite red-head Hologram, the only girl I really talk to about personal stuff, was out of the country touring with her band. My own Misfits hardly looked me in the eyes half the time. For all rights and reasons I was completely alone. Then out of nowhere there was Roxy, propping me up and wiping the tears and talking me down off the proverbial ledge. She let me cry and didn't make fun of me and never let me give up on myself when that's all I wanted to do right then. So unlike Roxy usually is but who am I to question a good thing? And this most definitely was a very, very good thing. She was there when I needed someone most. I don't know how I'd have lived through those months if she hadn't been there with me. Again, how could I not fall head over heels for her?

Love is not easy for me. It never has been. I never dated much in high school and then I was in the Misfits and didn't really have the time for that kind of thing. I've had a few boyfriends, but all of the relationships that have really meant anything to me have been with girls. Granted, most of those relationships were brief and would probably fall into the 'summer fling' category or they've been 'strictly friendship', but they were no less important for it. I've always been the shy type, though, and it's never been easy for me to approach these kinds of things. How do you tell someone you love them? The words are easy, the hard part is working up the courage in the face of possible rejection. That's the part that always holds me back. It's easy to love, it's another thing altogether to find that your love is returned, and what if its not? Easier to love from afar, then. I never think that anyone could possibly care about me as much as I care about them.

Then there's the whole problem with my brother. I don't want to say 'problem' cuz it's Craig, but... well, it feels like a problem. Could be one. I don't know. Craig's older than me and he's got that whole manly-man protector thing going for him. Mostly, I love this about him. A bunch of my high school years I depended and relied on him and all that protective energy of his wasn't wasted. He took care of me, got me through high school, basically stepped in and filled the shoes of our parents after they'd passed away. We hadn't been super close before that, but we were friends. We're still really good friends. Only... I've never felt like I could talk to him, not about the really important stuff. He wants everything to be ok, you know? Perfect. He's got this idea of what that should be and let me tell you, me sticking it out with the Misfits is not part of his idea of a perfect world. If me just being a part of the band rubs him the wrong way, I can't imagine how he'd react to me being in love with one of them. Not good, I'm sure. He doesn't even know that I'm bi.

Its not that I'm ashamed or embarrassed to tell him. I've always been private about my (usually non-existent) love life. I've had one real relationship (with a guy) and kissed a few girls. Big deal, right? The subject has never come up and I really don't think he'd understand. Especially not about Roxy. He'd probably find some way to blame her or think she brain washed me or something, cuz no way his 'little sister' would ever, ever... you know what I mean? Which is nuts because Roxy's a lot of things but she's not that kind of person. Who knows, maybe I'm totally off base here. I'd love to be wrong about him on this one, but... But I have this nagging sensation that I would be right. I'll admit it, the idea of Craig finding out that we're...

Ok, we're what, exactly? See, that's a problem, too, cuz what are we doing! Nothing, really. One kiss does not constitute a relationship, I know this. But we've got so much else going on! Ugh, so confusing! I wish I could just TALK to her about this, but talking to Roxy about feelings is usually like talking to a wall- except the wall is probably more responsive. I can sit there and gush and cry and she'll listen, but she almost never opens up that way.

So maybe we're just flirting. Flirting seems like an almost appropriate description. A look here, a seemingly innocent touch there, us pretending nothing's going on when that is so not the case. Either way, whatever it is we're doing, I was nervous about Craig finding out.

I dragged myself up off the floor and began putting the picture books away. Tucked everything neat and tidy back in my giant shoe box of memories. Tried to convince myself that there was nothing wrong with being in love with Roxy. Only thing wrong was I was sure she didn't feel the same. I was probably just projecting some weird little fantasy on to her and it was all in my head. But if that was true then why would she stick around like she has? Why would she put herself out on a limb like that and BE there for me and hold me and... Maybe I was just psyching myself out. Whatever. I was sure she was never going to speak to me again.

We didn't talk about it that night. She didn't come hang out in my room and sit up watching TV with me all night like we normally did. She stayed in the spare room where she stored all her luggage for the first time since she'd flown out to London. It was all the evidence I needed. I'd stepped over the line, she hated me, that was the end of it. I was mortified and devastated, heartbroken. I half expected to wake up the next morning and find that she'd snuck off the air port and headed back to L.A. post haste. Sometimes it's nice to be wrong.

"Morning," Aja said, smiling up from the magazine.

"Hey Aja. How was the show?" I yawned and raided the cabinet for a coffee mug.

"Oh, it was great! You should have seen Craig, he was fantastic," the Hologram's lead guitar player beamed proudly. It made me giggle. "They really put on a good show last night, did a lot of their new stuff. They have a meeting with their manager this morning. Craig thinks they're going to try booking a US tour. I really hope they do; it'd be nice to have him state-side for a while."

"Wow, that'd be great," I agreed with her. Aside from the couple times he'd been out to L.A. to see me, he hadn't been in the US much in the last several years. Unless he was taking trips out to see Aja and not calling me when he was in town, which I doubted. My brother always loved the UK; such an anglophile. It would be nice if he spent more time out on the West Coast now and then. Not that he'd really have much time to do that if the Blue Bloods were touring. I smirked. "You gonna tag along for the tour and keep him in line?"

Aja laughed. "Right, like Craig needs a babysitter," Aja chuckled. A moment later she sighed, propping her head up in one hand. "I'd love to see him more, though. Coming on tour with him might be fun, maybe for a few of the dates. I don't know how the rest of the guys in the band would feel about it, though."

"I dunno, you know how guys are. On tour, all the groupies clamoring to get back stage..." I said slyly, teasing her a little. That was also a pretty accurate description of what it was like on a Misfits our backstage outside of Pizzazz's dressing room, I laughed to myself.

"Craig's not like that," she said, knowing my teasing for exactly what it was. "Mason, on the other hand, is. So's their lead guitar player. Craig said that him and the bass player just let them have their fun and leave it at that. Their bass player's married, you know."

I shook my head. "Who, James? I didn't know that. Thats cool." I yawned again and set a pot of coffee to brewing. Out of habit I peaked in the freezer, craving ice cream. "Remind me to go to the store today," I said. No more mint chocolate chip. "You should introduce Mason to Kimber."

That made her laugh. "Mason's met Kimber!"

"Oh. Yeah." I grinned a little sheepishly. "Duh, I totally forgot! It's early, ignore me." I rolled my eyes, blushing ever so softly. "Well, anyway, you should re-introduce them. I'm sure they'd hit it off."

"You know she's dating Sean again, right?" Aja smiled sweetly.

That bit of news made me grimace. "Please tell me this is some other Sean and not Sean Harrison?"

"The one and only. Why? I thought you liked him."

I shook my head an emphatic NO. The guy's a jerk, trust me. She should have stayed broken up with him the first two times around." I sighed, leaning my elbows on the counter. "I love Kimber but she's got the worst taste in guys. Worse than Pizzazz," I blinked, stopped, thought about that for a second. "No, wait, correction. They have exactly the same taste in men. No wonder she always ends up dating losers."

Aja laughed at my little tirade and flipped a page in her magazine. "Which one, Kimber or Pizzazz?"

"Both." I said. Aja laughed. I really like her; she's funny and smart and got this calm sensibility about her. Very level headed and... forthright in a way. She's absolutely perfect for Craig, too. It was a shame that we'd spent so long as enemies. It was kind of nice to finally put that to rest. I'm sure it's a massive relief to my brother that our two bands have stopped our silly feud and that the two of us can get along. Honestly, I'm glad for that, too. I never really hated any of the Holograms; its just that we were on opposite sides of things and my loyalty was with the Misfits- except for that one time when all my loyalty was to myself, but that was necessary and incredibly good for me. And the Misfits, too, in the long run. I sighed and poured myself a cup of hot coffee, loaded it down with cocoa mix.

A moment later Roxy walked in. I breathed a little sigh of relief; she hadn't caught the first flight out of the country. Maybe she didn't hate me after all. (Maybe I'd just been overreacting, hm?)

"Coffee. Good." She put a fist to her mouth, yawning. Roxy leaned in the doorway, a beach towel slung over her shoulder. She had on this pale aqua blue bikini with white hibiscus print and a pair of black shorts, and I guessed at her motivation- hitting the pool first thing in the morning. Her hair was tied back in two french braids that spilled snow-white between her shoulder blades. Between her choice in swim wear colors and her hair, she looked incredibly dark and it was easy to imagine her family originating from somewhere on the Mediterranean. She looked gorgeous.

"Going swimming?" Aja asked.

The bass player nodded, looking sleepy. "My arm's killing me. Gonna do some laps, loosen it up." She yawned again, stretching her arms long over her head.

"You want pancakes? I think I'm gonna make pancakes," I asked her, pulling up one of the kitchen barstools and leaning on the counter.

"Sounds great. Want any help?" Roxy asked as she grabbed a mug and poured herself a cup of steaming black coffee.

"Nah, go swim. I'll have them ready by the time you're done," I waved her off.

"Sweet." Roxy flipped me a cheeky grin and sipped at the brew, made a face at the bitter drink and set the mug down.

"Are you feeling alright?" Aja asked, causing Roxy to look up and blink at her, confused.

"Uh, yeah. Why?"

"Cuz you offered to help cook. The Roxy I know hates helping out. Are you sure you don't have a fever?" Aja jibed pleasantly.

"Ugh," Roxy rolled her eyes and looked un-amused. She was so chatty when she first woke up.

Aja shook her head. "I don't know..." She turned and looked at me very seriously. "You haven't seen any strange flowers around the house lately, have you? Any giant pods?"

I chuckled, thoroughly confused. "What?"

"She may have been body snatched. In fact, I'm sure of it. This is a helpful Imposter-Pod-Person-Roxy. She hasn't even yelled at me. This early in the morning she's usually yelling," Aja explained in dead-serious tones that smacked of sarcasm.

"Har-dee-fuckin'-har," Roxy shot her a nasty look and sipped her coffee. "See if I ever offer to do JACK around here again." That was a promise she intended to keep, of this I was one hundred and ten percent sure. A moment later she was fishing around again in the cabinet. This time she pulled down two shot glasses and a bottle of bourbon . She turned, glasses in one hand, bottle in the other, paused to ask, "Is the resident Hologram wise ass drinking with us today?"

Aja snorted. "You're kidding, right? You do realize what time it is?"

Roxy grinned, pure mischief. "I'm on vacation, it doesn't matter."

The Hologram turned to look at me. "I suddenly understand so much more about your band."

I could only shrug at that. If she only knew the HALF.

"Oh come on, Aja, don't be a pussy. You're on vacation, too, you know. It won't kill you. Hell, you might even LIKE it," Roxy sneered, plunking everything down on the counter and rummaging through the cabinet until she found a third shot glass. She wiggled it between two fingers. "What do you say?"

"This is a prime example of peer pressure and-"

"Puss-eeee..." Roxy hissed. She wore a wicked little smirk across her lips.

Aja rolled her eyes. "And... I was gonna say that you're right. I AM on vacation. And I love Yukon Gold. But it's still ten in the morning and I'm planning on driving to town in like a half an hour, so no thanks. Tease all ya like, Misfif, it'll get you nowhere," Aja said, all rough and tough, slapping down her magazine to step up to the counter. See, THAT is what I like about Aja. Stands up for what she thinks and got that inner strength thing down, never fake. "It is nice to know you're not a pod person, though," she quipped. I couldn't help but laugh, it was super cute and so not what I'd expected from her.

"You're hilarious," Roxy smirked and flipped her off before pouring out two breakfast shots for us. I liked that she just assumed that I WAS drinking with her. Not that she was wrong... "You want coffee instead while I'm here?"

"I take it back, you're definitely a pod person," Aja raised an eyebrow. "Coffee sounds good, though. Not gonna spit in it, are you?"

"I don't like you that much," Roxy actually smiled a little bit.

She was awfully sparky this morning, I thought, but what the hell? I was just glad she seemed to be in a decent mood, I'd been so worried. She handed a mug of coffee to Aja, black, and poured out two shots of bourbon for us. "Kimber's title as Hologram Floozie remains safely in tact! Cheers!" She laughed and we clinked glasses, chugging the liquid down quickly. Burned, but in a nice kind of way.

"You're obnoxious. Stormer, how do you put up with her? Is she like this every morning?" Aja asked, fetching cream and sugar for her cup of joe.

"Now you know why I drink," I muttered, kidding.

"I've got jet lag. What's your excuse?" Roxy asked the Hologram.

"Jet lag my butt, you've been here for a week," Aja retorted with a bemused little smile. This was their idea of 'playing nice with the enemy'. Really, it was still better than listening to Roxy and Jetta get into it some days.

Roxy ignored her. She poured herself another shot and chugged it, then a third.

"Slow down there, Misfit. Your butt drowns in the pool and I'll be the one to catch hell for it," Aja said.

Roxy flashed snarky smile and dropped her empty coffee mug into the sink. "Aw, thanks for the advice, MOM. Did Craig appoint you Chief Nag while he was away?"

"If you didn't have this irresponsible reputation that was like a mile long, he probably wouldn't care so much," Aja replied. I sipped my pseudo-mocha quietly, looking back and forth between them like I was watching a tennis match.

"Does it totally suck to always have to be 'the responsible one'? Tell me, I really wanna know." The bass player flung her towel over her shoulder once again.

Aja shrugged. "Does it ever get dull always being a reckless overgrown juvenile delinquent?"

Roxy chuckled and grinned. "Hasn't so far." She glanced my way and smiled like the devil and winked. Fuckin' winked! I'm sure I turned bright pink. She turned and slipped out onto the back patio, her sandals flip-flopping on the brick. A few moments later we heard the tell-tale splash of Roxy jumping off the diving board.

"She's funny," Aja shook her head. "You know, if I didn't know for a fact that she's usually a lot bitchier..."

"Especially first thing in the morning," I added with a knowing little nod. "But come on, she's really been pretty good."

"Oh I know! Trust me, I know! I haven't forgotten that train ride from hell," she made a face and I giggled.

"Yeah, that was something, wasn't it? It wasn't so bad except for that part with the plane crash. And then that other part with the climbing out on the top of a speeding train and having to dive into a lake, that kinda sucked. Nearly getting eaten by a cougar wasn't so much fun either. Oh, and that other thing where the train nearly derailed. Other than that, it wasn't really so bad at all. Do it again in a heartbeat!" I said just a wee bit sarcastically. I dug around for a bowl and mixing spoon.

Aja laughed. "When you put it that way, I think I got off lucky. You'd never know we were on the same train to hear you talk about it."

"I know. Trust me, you did get off lucky," I agreed with her, nodding fiercely. "If I never see another train again, it'll be too soon." A sentiment I'm sure Jetta would have agreed with me on. I found a spatula and set to flipping the first round of flap jacks. "Want one?"

"Nah. I was going to run into town, meet Craig for lunch after his meeting. I'm going to the store. Did you want anything?"

"Ice cream! Mint chocolate chip!" I put in my request. "Ooh, and rocky road. And some bananas. Marchino cherries? Let me find my purse, I'll give you some cash for it." Screw the pancakes; I was suddenly in the mood for banana splits. I dashed off to retrieve some cash for her.

Aja giggled at me and jotted it down. "How you girls stay so skinny is beyond me, buncha junk-food junkies." She glanced at the clock on the wall. "Eh, ok, I guess I should get going if I'm gonna make it there. I'll see about your ice cream on the way home."

"Thanks!" I grinned and handed her a wad of money and went back to my pancake fixin'.

From the frying pan and into the fire...

The week before Roxy had flown out here I'd been a wreck. It was like all the progress I'd made had been in vain. I wasn't sleeping well, I was having horrible nightmares when I WAS able to sleep. I felt on edge and just plain rotten. We'd been having a good time but I was so miserable for no real discernable reason. Depression's like that, though, and boy was I depressed. I'd slipped back into my routine of putting on a happy face for the world to see. Craig and Aja didn't need to deal with my fucked- up mood, I decided. I wasn't here to be a burden on them, I told myself. They did not need to deal with me being a freak and falling apart on them. I was a guest; I was here to have fun. That, and to get to know Aja, my soon to be sister-in-law, a little bit better. Mostly, I had flown out to the UK to relax. Craig had invited me for a stay and I said sure, why not? It'd be nice to see him and it'd give Roxy a break.

It's funny because we had spent so much time together that I viewed being in London not only as a break from the states for me, but also like a vacation for Roxy- a vacation from taking care of me all the time. That's how I looked at it. She HAD been taking care of me, whether that's what she considered it or not. It's not like she had to spoon feed me or whatever, but just being there not treating me like a freak or an invalid was part of it. Acting like my body guard and listening and making it safe for me to cry which is SO not up her alley and asking so fucking much of her- that was definitely taking care of me. That kind of stuff, just being close to someone like that, it's not her thing and I know that. As glad as I was to have her there, I felt like it must be an incredible burden on her at the same time.

I put up a good front for my brother, though. I'd had plenty of practice. I was so good at acting 'normal' that Craig finally stopped hovering for five minutes and took his fiance out to dinner.

I took the opportunity to goof around at mom's old baby grand piano up in his studio, work on a song idea that had been floating around in my head for a while. The music I had, the lyrics were slow in coming, but when they did...

The song was a brutally honest about my mental state half the time. It was me confessing how broken and hopeless I felt, how much I just wanted to give up and die. This was not the song I set out to write that day, but it's what came out of me. I started singing and the words just came POURING out; I couldn't stop them, the song practically wrote itself. It hurt so bad, I really can't describe it and do it any justice. By the second run through of the chorus I was sobbing the words through sharp little gasps and shaking. I was so upset I had to stop. Flustered, I jotted a note down, snapped the pencil and flung it across the room. I sat there with my elbows on the keys and my head in my hands for a long moment and tried to pull my act together. A few minutes later I started the song over, determined to get through it, just get it out there. I didn't make it very far and ended up pounding my fists down on the keys. I totally lost it; anger just hit me like a tsunami and before I knew it the bench was in my hands and I'd chucked it across the room, breaking a lamp and wrecking a shelf. Put a very nice hole in the wall. At the moment I could have cared less. I ended up out on the room's little balcony crying to the moon and stars.

A few minutes later Craig came running in wanting to know what had happened. I hadn't even realized he and Aja had come home. The room was in a shambles, I was on the balcony, he probably thought I was gonna jump off or something really dumb like that. Like, would jumping out of a second floor window REALLY kill you? I doubt it. I don't know, I probably would have thought the same thing about me if I'd been him just then.

He kept asking me to tell him what was wrong. How could he help if I didn't tell him what was wrong? He was there for me, he'd do anything to help if I just told him what was wrong. He kept saying it over and over and for a split second I believed him. I told him what I was feeling. I told him how much I wished that bastard had killed me back in August because what I'd been doing for the last few months was so far from living. No, I wasn't living, I didn't know how to live anymore, I was so hurt that I didn't want to live, it was too much to bear and I didn't know how to fix it. Yeah, I was in such a state I really said all that to him- if he could translate through all the gushing and bawling. At the time it was genuinely how I felt, but can we say mistake? My brother Craig is a sweety, but he's always been over-protective of me and to say something like THAT to him, oh brother, bad idea. He was two steps away from having me committed to a mental ward, I'm not even kidding.

What's worse is he'd pleaded with me to tell him, assured me how much he wanted to help. Then he didn't know what to say. He gave me a sedative and put me to bed and that was the last we talked about it. Maybe he couldn't think of anything TO say. Maybe I was so messed up that the sheer magnitude of my blubbering left him speechless. Or, maybe, like so many other people I feel close to, he just didn't know how to help. It's a lot to deal with, trust me, I understand this. This is why I had been hesitant to talk with him. After his initial stay with me in the hospital, I'd basically vowed not to bring it up in front of him ever again. I'm his baby sister, you know? He thinks of me a certain way and usually acts like he can't handle thinking of me as a full fledged adult half the time, why would he be able to handle this?

I was stunned that he called Roxy and asked her out here. He HATES her. Hates all the Misfits. Doesn't understand why I stay with them. How could I ever explain it to him and make him get it? The ARE my family, as much as he is in some ways, more in others. These are the girls I've grown up with and if it wasn't for them I'd still be Little Mousy Mary Phillips, The Girl With No Voice. All he sees in them is the bad stuff, he doesn't see how much GOOD they've done for me. My brother means well and I love him, he just wants me to be ok, but some days I feel like he really doesn't know me at all. And then... I have to wonder if he feels the same way about me some times, too. Kind of sad, really.

Be that as it may, no one would deny the fact that Roxy was the girl to go to if I was having a melt-down. When I saw her walk through the front door I nearly broke down in tears, I was SO unbelievably happy to see her.

"Good pancakes," Roxy said with her mouth full. We sat out by the pool, shaded by a big green umbrella.

"Thanks," I wiped my mouth. "Aja thinks you're funny."

"Mm- Speaking of funny," She held a finger up and finished chewing before she spoke for a change, "I'm determined, we gotta get her drunk. I bet she's funny hammered. What do you think, does Kimbo the Bimbo only drink like a fish when you two hang out, or does she go drinking with Aja? Who else in that band would party? Not Shana, that's for damned sure. Raya? Sure as fuck not Jem." She made a disgusted face for good measure.

It was funny to hear her speculate on the Holograms social habits and I laughed. "I have no idea. I never asked."

"Maybe they're all a bunch of closet alcoholics and that's why the big mushy 'friendship and love and goodwill to all' routine, it's all just to fool the public. Jerrica's probably all strung out on No-Doze or something AND an alcoholic to boot. What do you think?"

"I think you're nuts!" I giggled at her over my second cup of coffee.

"Nah, they're definitely a group of head-cases."

"Right, cuz the Misfits are so sane."

Roxy snickered. "We are! It's everyone else who's fucked up!"

I shot her a 'what in the heck?' glance out of the corner of my eye and we both burst into laughter.

The bass player set her plate down and stood up. "Be right back." She trotted off into the kitchen and came back out with the bottle of bourbon.

"Mm, if you're funny now you're gonna be hilarious by noon," I commented wryly. Roxy filled two little shot glasses and I shook my head. Man, we were gonna be trashed before lunch, I could see it now.

"Ha ha. Seriously though, who give a damn? We're not going anywhere today, why not? It's sunny out, we got a pool, you're big dumb brother ain's here to harp on us about every little thing- let's have fun!"

"I'll toast to that." I said and we clinked glasses. Bottoms up!

Roxy coughed. "Besides that, my arm fuckin' hurts. Left my stupid pain killers in L.A."

My eyes widened. "Why didn't you say something? We could get the prescription filled for you out here, you know?"

She shrugged. "Wasn't bothering me until this morning." With a naughty little grin she poured out two more shots.

"You want a massage before I'm too drunk to do it?" I offered, giggling.

"Would you? Please?"

Ok, I had to laugh. "Maybe Aja was right about you being body snatched." I pulled up a towel on the patio and sat down cross legged patting the space in front of me.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that," Roxy frowned like she didn't really mind too much if I teased her. She got up and moved over in front of me, facing the pool. She pulled her long white hair to her right side and bowed her head, stretching her neck. Gently I laid my hands on her left shoulder, kneading lightly. Her muscles felt knotted up, hard as rocks under her tanned skin. Took a while but slowly I could feel the tension slipping away. I knew it helped but this wasn't mere muscle strain. This was torn ligaments and tendons, rather, they'd been sliced and mended and the doctor had warned her of occasional swelling if she over did it even long after she'd had the stitches removed. I'd have to make sure to offer to grab her an ice pack later on; that's probably what she really needed.

Roxy sighed. "Stupid shoulder's been fine for weeks, you know? I don't know what I did. Think it's that bed in the other room, slept funny on it or something. The one you got in your room is way more comfortable."

"Well you didn't have to sleep in the other room," I said, instantly wishing I could pull back the words before they'd left my mouth.

She turned her head to look at me. "Yeah, I did."

I flinched just a little. The look she had was nothing if not chilly. Roxy turned back around, bowed her head a bit. I blinked, wide-eyed, not sure what to do. "Do you want me to stop?"

"No." But then she turned around to sit facing me. "Yes. Look I-" She huffed. She raised an eyebrow and gnawed her lower lip for a minute. "Fuck it, never mind."

"I'm sorry," I said softly, shaking my head. "I never meant to-"

"Shut up."

"But I didn't-"

"I don't want to talk about it," Roxy glared at me like she meant business and so I shut up.

I have no idea how long we sat there with just the wind and birds chirping as the only sound. Felt like forever. I suddenly felt a little nauseous.

"Don't sulk. I hate it when you sulk like that," Roxy muttered after an eternity.

I glanced up at her. "I'm sorry."

"And stop apologizing! I hate that even more!" She flapped. "Misfits do not apologize for anything!"

I laughed and shook my head. "God, Misfits don't do a lot of things. You ever get sick of all the things that Misfits don't do?" I mewled like a brave little kitten. "You ever think of all the things that Misfits miss out on cuz they're so busy looking tough?" It's not often I talk to any of the Misfits like that, but man, sometimes... Sometimes I get so sick of all that Misfit schtick.

Roxy stared at me, her dark eyes narrowed. She didn't say anything at all; she just looked perturbed. Her expression softened but she still said nothing. She got up and poured herself another drink.

"Forget it," I said. She didn't want to talk about it, fine. No big shocker there. I sighed and got up. I cleared the dishes from the patio table and retreated into the kitchen, ran a sink full of soapy hot water. Yes, I was still sulking just a little bit. I could feel Roxy's eyes on me but there was no way I was going to cave in to the urge to look at her. Sap that I am, I'd probably start crying if I did. With the kitchen now spotless, I headed for the living room and flipped on the TV. I flopped down on the couch. Roxy joined me, sat at the other end.

A half an hour of music videos and the latest episode of the LinZ Pierce show later and we still hadn't said a word to each other. Half way through the Harriet Horne show she scooted closer to me. I pretended not to notice and five minutes later 'accidentally' let my hand slip to my side where it 'accidentally' bumped into hers. If I dared ask her she'd probably have come up with some story about how it was a 'reflex' or something that made her fingers curl around mine and not simply because she wanted to hold my hand. This was essentially how our relationship had been for weeks before I'd flown out to the UK. Yeah, fine, I was happy that she wanted to do that much, but god... I wanted so much more. I wanted to be able to talk to her about it. Misfits don't talk about 'feelings' either. I just wanted this, whatever it was that we were doing, to be OK. Was that too much to ask?