Author: joebthegreat PM
well... the Russians have invaded... this is the story of epic distortions... and many fake soldiers... how will they cope... without TV... actually its still nothing like that... just read it!Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 9 - Words: 12,307 - Reviews: 41 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 04-13-06 - Published: 09-21-05 - Status: Complete - id: 2588828
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Chapter 1: New York's Demise
Disclaimer: I don't own crap here… but I do own how happy I am to have seen a Freedom Fighters section… but I don't own McDonalds and that was my whole purpose of living…
Of course… this is following the Freedom fighters plot… not really… this is following… well… what would happen in the weirdest and worst of all situations… for the Russians… AND the Americans… they would fight… but both sides are downright incompetent…
Many of these freaky things will be based on multiplayer matches me and my friends have had… others will be based on my sick twisted mind… others will be based on…
(shut the bodunkle up and get on with it!)
Oh fine… just know that I love this game…
"Dude… IM IN A BOAT!" the Russian Navigator yelled as he started to dance.
"IT'S NOT A BOAT YOU MORON!… AND WHAT ARE WE DOING IN PEARL HARBOR! WE SHOULD BE IN MANHATTAN!" General Tatarin yelled in German.
"AND WHY AM I SPEAKING GERMAN! AND WHY ARE YOU SPEAKING ENGLISH! AND WHAT'S THAT JAPANESE DUDE DOING HERE!" he yelled pointing at a samurai dancing on the ceiling.
"Oh… well he came with the boat… and I came with your sister…" Tatarin's sister walked over and waived before spontaneously combusting and melting.
"NO!… SISTER!… AND WE NEED TO GET TO NEW YORK!"
As the two stared at each other in silence… the Navigator with love… the general with hate… the crew came in along with a clown.
"HEE HAW!" the clown yelled before popping and getting eaten by the crew.
"WHERE DID YOU FREAKS COME FROM!… AND WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL TRIP! AND HOW DID WE GET IN FREAKING PEARL HARBOR!"
The crew just laughed a stereotypical… Russian… crowd… laugh… and started dining on fried navigator.
"YOU GUYS JUST ATE OUR ONLY HOPE OF GETTING TO NEW YORK!"
"Of of the men just laughed and said something in Russian which is apparently the only language that Tatarin cant translate.
"DAMNIT!… OK… I'll calm down… someone get us to New York…"
With this General Bulba walked out of the closet with the only news lady in all of Russian history… and poked a red button that read "NEW YORK" then they went back into the closet.
"OKAY… A. WHY DIDN'T WE PRESS THAT BUTTON TO START WITH… B. WHAT ARE CLOSETS DOING ON THIS SHIP… AND C. WHERE ARE ALL OF YOU PEOPLE COMING FROM!"
With that 50 more men walked on deck… saluted… and then ripped each others heads off and mixed them around and then reattached them… looking the same as when they had started.
"Well… now we know that all Russians look alike…"
Everyone gave a hearty laugh as they heard a loud bang noise… they had reached New York… and they had crashed into the other subs…
(Somewhere… you don't know where yet though… in a car… on a bridge… actually I don't know where yet either… because I don't really pay attention when I'm picking up DUI's… oh well…)
"DUDE… I TOTALLY WANT TO DRIVE THIS THING OFF THE BRIDGE!… SEE HOW FAR WE CAN GO!…" Troy yelled over the music in his mind as Chris held his ears in pain.
"SHUTUP!… and we cant kill ourselves yet… we're in the middle of being humans…"
"COOL!… WHATS A HUMAN?"
"Whatever… dude lets just get this next house…"
"ALRIGHT!… ITS ON THE WEST SIDE YO!… AND THE CHICK IS HOT!… HOW THE CRUD DID WE GET HERE SO FAST?" Troy asked as they were suddenly at the door even though one second ago they had been on a bridge.
They knocked on the door… no one answered… so they walked in… no one screamed… they looked at each other and grinned.
"FREE STUFF!" Chris yelled.
"PLUMBING!" Troy yelled.
After getting a quick slap to the back of the head from an annoyed Chris, Troy fell to the ground in a bloody haze.
Chris ran through the house in a frilly pink dress he had found in the girls apartment… he had a flashback…
"WHEE" some weird girl screamed as she then walked up to Chris.
"My name is Isabella and you look stoned" she said before falling over with a tranquilizer dart stuck in the back of her head… followed by two creepy looking men dragging her behind a bush as moans and grunts were heard Chris ran away.
"Now… Now it all makes since… this frilly pink dress was worn by that freaky girl… YAY!"
With this Chris took a big rock he found on the bed and threw it outside in glee… suddenly a scream was heard as a helicopter flew level to the window… showing a terrified man in the back with a dead man driving and a rock on his lap with blood flowing everywhere.
"NOO! WHY!… I FORGOT TO TURN OFF THE OVEN!" with this the man jumped out of the helicopter and ran back to Russia where he turned off the oven… and was later shot for eating his mom.
"WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!" a random guy screamed as explosions and death rained on the population below… without hitting anyone… in fact the Russians took special care to only hit cars… cars that no one was standing by…
Tatarin broke through the door laughing… and drunk.
"DUDE… I BROKE THE DOOR!… I feel trippy…"
With that he picked up Troy and slapped him.
"WHERE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND!… I WANT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!… DOES YOUR GIRLFRIEND EVEN LIVE HERE?… ooh… TAKE HIM TO THE CHAMBERS!"
With that the men yelled something in Russian and carried him off.
"I'M LEAVING TO FIND A PANDA BEAR!" Tatarin yelled stumbling off…
Chris decided that it would be best to leave… so he walked out to the hallway where a bunch of people were lined up… none of them at gunpoint.
"SAVE ME CHRIS!" some freakish old guy yelled which for some stupid reason didn't affect the guard…
Chris got suspicious and started walking towards the guard… but no matter how he turned this guard seemed intent on keeping his gun lowered and his back to the Mario wannabe.
Chris got annoyed and slapped the guard with his wrench and laughed… then looked to the old man.
"Thank you Chris… we need to get out of here… TAKE THIS GUN!"
And Freak-O-Man stopped Chris from picking up the gun the soldier had and gave him a pistol.
"I WANT THE GUN!" Chris yelled as Freak-O-Man just laughed and slapped him.
"Now Now… take the pistol… it will help you learn…" he said as Chris started fighting for the gun.
"NO… I WANT THE GUN!…" and with this… Freak-O-Man stepped back… and shoved the gun in his mouth… then he gagged and fell over dead.
"What the… NO!… MY GUN IS RUINED!"
Suddenly some other old guy ran up to Chris.
"Sorry I'm late… here take this pistol… don't ask me why I have a Russian pistol… lets go…"
And with that Chris trusted this complete stranger and followed him through the door and into the bloody mess below.
(Back with the stupid Russians… TATARIN!… he's a hero to diabetics everywhere…)
Tatarin laughed as he sent more men out to the streets where people had gotten used to nothing but exploding cars.
"HAHA!… Hey wait… where the crud is the American army?"
All of the Russians said random Russian phrases at this as Tatarin started thinking… a first for our hero… hehehe… I mean… villain.
(Somewhere in California)
"SARGE… THE HIPPIES HAVE TAKEN CONTROL OF THE STAPLE CENTER… WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?" a man yelled as he and the sergeant lay in a trench suppressed by heavy fire.
"IF WE DON'T GET THAT MARIJUANA SOON!… THE WHOLE ARMY WILL IMPLODE!" the sarge answered before getting blown to little bits by a cow bomb.
"NOOO!" the guy yelled as hippies stumbled forward towards him with a look of rabies in their eyes… then they tore him limb from limb and ate him in a human soup… oh dear.
(Back with the Russian peeps)
Everyone was asleep right there on the street… random cars were still exploding for some stupid reason but they were asleep sucking their thumbs…
Well why do I always SAY THAT!…
Well… why do I always use dot dot dot… - LIKE THAT!… ARG!… STOP IT!…
Oh whatever… grr… GRR… how about I don't say anything that would have a pause after it…
Oh wait… CRAP!…
Either way I think that I like my sisters story… but she doesn't write so whatever…
READ AND RIPSTERS believe it or die you piece of crap we seriously will kill you if you don't believe!