The VSJ of Det. Michael Tritter

By Bard"forgivemefatherforIhavesinned"vahalla (2006)

Day 1: Have decided to quit smoking. Am stronger than little white stick. I will beat this!

Day 2: Beat 15 people guilty of minor parking infractions. Suspect nicotine withdrawal getting to me just a teensy bit. Will try that gum stuff.

Day 3: Only beat up 5 loitering boy scouts & little old lady who jaywalked. Think gum is working.

Innocent bystanders intimidated: 6 - V. good

Day 4: Sudden rash on winky v. annoying. Can't be STD. Am still virgin.

Day 5: Of all the NERVE! First drug-crazed doctor takes temperature the old-fashioned way with oversized turkeybaster, then leaves without giving me phone number. Why do all my dates end like this?

Day 6: Demanded apology. Dr. House all dashing and defiant– refused to go on second date. Damn his dreamy, penetrating, wildly blue eyes!

Elderly people bullied: 3 - N. Bad

Day 7: Am not taking no for answer. Pulled House over for speeding and frisked v.v. thoroughly. LATER: Vicodin bottle in pants v. misleading. Still, is terribly hot in leather ensemble.

Later: Cavity search total disappointment. No drugs … did find assortment of MP3 players tho.

Day 8: Cannot believe that skank Wilson put up bail! Dammit! Hoped to see House with five days of manly stubble instead of just three.

Nurses threatened with permanent criminal records: 12. Good!

Day 9: Searched House's apartment illegally. Found porno stash. V. pervy tastes. Scruffy men in plaid schoolgirl outfits? Like EW!

LATER: Also found 600 Vicodin stashed under box of stale Twinkies and various sparkly thongs. Like Ew! Totally cannot believe a doctor would eat Twinkies. All those empty carbs! Ugh!

Day 10: So obvious House forging Wilson's signature on Vicodin prescriptions. House never puts the little heart over the 'i'. The big silly!

Illegal searches, seizures and wiretaps: 24. Excellent!

Day 11: Slutty Wilson so obviously has hots for House.

UPDATE - Wilson also has a thing for silk plant in lobby, Chase in sparkly thongs, Forman in plaid skirts and midget in X-ray. SO why am I the one with rash on winky?

Day 12: Offered deal to House. Refused. Will not even just go out for a friendly coffee with me. What does a virginal but butch cop have to do to play doctor around here?

Dates in last year. 34.

Times laid: 0

Number of dates now in prison: 31. V. v. good!

Day 13: HA! Have frozen assets of all House's friends and employees. Will not let up until he takes me to dinner and movie. Cuddy all pissy. Is all "Look at my Boooooooooobies! Isn't there ONE guy in this hospital who like BOOBIES? C'mon already!"

Double EW. Hate needy chicks.

Day 14: Like OMG! Cameron pretends she hates House but secretly she's obsessed to the point that she can't see she's acting like a spoiled child in a pathetic effort to gain his attention.

Day 15: Whiney Cameron says I pretend to hate House but secretly I'm obsessed to the point that I can't see I'm acting like a spoiled child in a pathetic effort to gain his attention.

AS IF!

Day 16: Chase cannot keep his hands off my handcuffs. Is all: "I'll squeal. I'll tell you everything. Please please please."

Plaid skirt such a turn off.

Feeble attempts to chat up silk plant in lobby. 6.

Day 17: Wilson offering to play House with me. Am considering.

LATER: Saw House with midget, Chase with Cuddy in Nun oufit and Wilson with turkeybaster. Doesn't anyone practice medicine in this place?

Day 18: Chief of police all snippy. "Can't you hire an male escort instead of making the whole department look stupid?"

Took vacation. Went to PPTH. Curled into fetal position and snuggled House's old medical files. Stupid Chief!

Internal investigations into my illegal conduct. 14. V. bad.

Day 19: Foreman caught me sniffing House's cane. Think he suspects. Nice tats tho…

Day 20: Want cigarette. Want House. So v. v. tired of being virgin. Am depressed.

Day 21: Brill idea! Offered House 100 Vicodin in exchange for dirty weekend.

LATER: Asked if he could have attorney present. And a rat. What the HELL is that all about?

Day 22: Egads! Had no idea an oversized tennis ball in conjunction with a cane could be so versatile.

GO ME!

Charges dropped against House. 15.

Vicodin pills left: 350.

Vacation days left: 34

Day 23: Does this plaid skirt make me look fat?