Dedicated to any number of classic Bond villains, who really could have used this section.

Disposing of the Hero

If you have been a particularly good villain this year, there is a chance that you will at some point have the good guy "right where you want him," which if you're smart is on his knees in front of you, heavily manacled and surrounded by well-armed guards (all safely out of grabbing range) and, if possible, suffering serious blood loss.

If you are fortunate enough to find yourself in this position, congratulations (and I suggest taking pictures - even a couple of good Polaroids will be worth their weight in evil laughter for later nostalgic purposes. Besides, you might need something to convince your fellow villainry). You've gotten further than 70% of your peers - feel free to lord it over them in whatever manner you wish.

What? Only 70%? Yes, my fellow workers of darkness - though it took great skill and fortitude to reach the point at which you currently find yourself, many more have reached it than either you or I might like to think. And yet, as previously established, few to none have fulfilled the domination plans that have been the stuff of their wet dreams since youth. So the question is, where's the fatal flaw?

You. No, no, don't get out the Scythe of Doom just yet - let me be more specific. The problem that stops most villains from making the leap from detaining the hero to world domination is their ego, manifest in both their need to kill the hero in a ridiculously slow and complicated manner that they don't even hang around to watch and, while the hero is still in the prime of health, telling him your plan in meticulous enough detail that a complimentary map should be waiting outside. Despite how fun both of these might seem at the time, they're the kind of thing that will get you laughed at in the special maximum security supervillain prison.

Kill them quickly. Yes, yes, I know you laugh in the face of mercy and list complicated torture methods as one of your favorite hobbies, but both are moot points here. No matter what you do, the hero is going to get out before he has the chance to feel much pain at all (no, it's not fair, but that's not my department - take it up with the writers). Complicated methods of death, then, (like water torture devices and the snails of death) won't show how incredibly wicked you are - they'll just give the hero a chance to make you look like a moron. A simple decapitation or shot between the eyes, however, will make you look like the kind of ruthlessly efficient villain who's going to get exactly what he wants. (You like the sound of that, don't you? Repeat it a couple of times - I promise I won't say anything.)

Now, about the insane urge I've heard afflicts less rational villains to leave before the pointlessly complicated death plot has even begun. Now, I know none of you reading this would be so ridiculous, but perhaps you have some idea of why this idiocy is going on. As far as I can tell, the entire point of having the good guy be eaten alive by radioactive fire ants is to metaphorically "rub their face" in your victory. How can you do that from an entire stronghold away, especially when you know that the guard you've left behind is an idiot and will be overpowered within seconds? I know there's no point in having minions unless you can delegate, but this is important - you can spare 10 minutes. Besides, if you just shoot them in the head like I suggested, you'll only have to spare five.

And finally, the burning need to relate your world domination plans to the good guy in your usual precise detail (various tsking noises). Yes, I know it's a good plan. A marvelous plan, actually, brilliantly clever in ways your villainous forebears couldn't even have begun to fathom, and you're just dying to tell somebody about it. I can more than understand this - it's no fun being magnificently intelligent unless you can share this fact with someone else, particularly someone you can injure if they're not suitably impressed.

However, now is not the time. Not only will the hero not be suitably impressed (or even be intelligent enough to lie about it) but as soon as they escape (see previous paragraphs) they're going to use this information to destroy you utterly. See? Bad idea. If you feel you must show someone just how incredibly brilliant you are, try it on your minions - the writers won't bother with helping them escape before you kill them. Or, if all that seems like too much effort on your part, your own incredibly gorgeous reflection will do the job. The hero's corpse could also work, but if you want my advice (and you must, or why else would you be reading this) the best time for this sort of thing is during your victory speech, after your locality of choice has been well and suitably crushed underfoot.