WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING

Cheap lewd jokes! Very cheap! Very suggestive! Avert your eyes, thee of good taste!

WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING

…

"Ahh… Shinji's famous chicken curry." Sighs Ritsuko as they sat to dinner.

"Yep, Shinji makes it good." Misato nods with such a grin that would make a dentist proud.

Ritsuko looks at her friend cautiously, as one would eye a dubious hand-grenade. "Uh-... huh…?"

"He's always happy to please my appetite."

"Oh… I see where this is going…" the scientist rolls her eyes.

"He's a real pro at basting chicken. He just lays it on the board, spreads the legs and shoves his hand right in there, round and round, to make the insides nice and wet…"

"It's not working you know… I'm not taking the bait…"

"He really knows how to spice things up, Ritsuko. I mean… I get so hot just from the scent…"

"Not listening… I'm not listening… No, I'm not…"

"He always does a little taste with his finger to see if it's ready… Dip in… then taste… dip… taste… Maybe a little lick here and there…"

"As far as lewd jokes go, this is pretty lame…

"When he looks for good stock, he never goes for the low quality stuff. He makes specially sure that my breasts are nice and tender…"

"For pity's sake! Stop!"

"When the heat is right and the texture is good, he puts the meat in…"

"I'm going to throw up… seriously, this is just beyond sick!"

"Then he stirs it around gently… He's the master of the spoon…"

"You're drunk, you're vulgar and I hate you!"

"In the end, he's satisfied with his effort, and I'm nice and full… I sometimes ask for seconds and he's more than willing to oblige…"

"This is a nightmare… a God forsaken nightmare…"

"I always wanted to take him… to a cooking class that I used to visit… but I soon realized he went to the second class session as an assistant instructor; so he came just as soon as I went off…"

"I'm warning you Misato!"

"Oh! And I just love to suck on Shinji's beer battered shrimp…"

"AAAARGH! ENOUGH ALREADY!"

Misato falls back, laughing and in tears with her long planned and executed revenge. Asuka, Kaji and Maya just sat with mouths withering in disgust. Funnily enough, Shinji seemed the only one who didn't get the joke and sat there in confusion and wondering what on earth was going on.

With the silence getting ridiculous, he just shrugs his shoulders. "Umm… thanks for the compliment Misato-san…" he says innocently. "You're cooking is getting better too… you need to practice more, that's all. Build up your stamina…" by which he means her arms for cooking. But as usual, he has a very poor choice of words…

Misato falls over again just as she had regained her composure and just about suffers a seizure from her fit of hysteria.

Shinji scratches his head. "Err… you just have to watch me doing it more often…"

Ritsuko excuses herself.

"It's not like it's extremely hard or something…" he continues, despite Maya's face turning purple. "I mean… I found it quite easy after I got used to the heat and the oil…" Asuka faints. "Doing it three times a day also helps."

In the background, Ritsuko starts to barf.

"The only difficult part is using the sharp equipment. You just have to remember your protection." Says Shinji who is glancing to the bathroom with concern "And… and why is everyone acting so strange…?"

"I-it doesn't matter Shinji. Just forget about it and please… don't say anything about cooking as long as you live…" Interrupts Kaji, who was greatly regretting chapter 2. "Let's umm… let's just get on with the dinner." And he raises a toast. "To the Katsuragi household, for passing the inspection… despite alchahol, marajuanna, car accidents, flooded apartments, seedy jokes and advanced blackmail."

CHEERS

"I don't feel like eating…" mutters Asuka, pushing away the beer battered shrimp, cream pie and german sausages. "What do we have to drink?"

"Mphh? Sphorry?" lisps Misato, who was sucking on a prawn.

Asuka scowls "I hate you…"

"Okay… now I feel a little better…" groans Akagi, stumbling out of the bathroom.

"That's good Akagi-san." Nods Shinji. "Would you like some of my beer battered shrimp now? Misato loves it."

"Erm… no thanks Shinji-kun… I-I think I'll pass… What's the main coarse?"

"My breasts." Says Misato.

"…" Says Ritsuko.

"She actually did quite well." Says Shinji, holding up the stewed chicken breasts. "We just had to nuke it for a few minutes with some pot-noodle seasoning."

"Please… Shinji, I can't possibly h-have… have…" but she couldn't finish the sentence as she felt the bile rising again.

"What? Misato's breasts? Really, it's okay! Misato's breasts are great. This is coming from me! And I know my breasts! Breasts are my specialty! I love Misato's breasts, especially basted with chocolate… it's odd, but it goes with it's unusual non-chicken taste. These ones are quite large and beautifully shaped; a good find! You could feed ten children off them!"

"DAMN IT BAKA!" screams Asuka, slamming the table. "SHUT UP!"

"Y-you don't have to get so angry!" says Shinji, backing away from the red haired fury. "Just because you couldn't get breasts like Misato-san's. It's not like you HAD to help cook dinner. I still gave you a good battered filet didn't I?"

As Ritsuko runs back to the toilet bowl, Maya taps his shoulder. "Err, Shinji-kun? I'm… umm… actually on a diet right now. Do you have anything light and simple? Fruit's perhaps?"

"Hmm… fruits? Well, there are the cherries on Misato's muffins, but I'm afraid that's all." He shrugs, holding up the blue bakery products. Maya feels woozy. "I can go down to the shops for some melons if you'd like?" Maya refuses profusely. "It's okay. They're very cheap!"

…

Author's Note: Don't say I didn't warn you…

…

After everyone had gotten back their appetites and had their fill, Shinji finally worked out what had happened and promptly blacked out into the fruit salad.

"Well, we have an early start tomorrow so we'll have to get going now." Says Ritsuko with Maya gathering their things. "Give my regards to the chef when he wakes up. The food was great."

"He gives lessons if you want to join in!" offers Misato teasingly, carrying the unconscious boy to his room. "The more the merrier. I could be a threesome!"

Ritsuko, wishing not to comment, bashes her own head on the table before leaving.

Asuka snorts at her promiscuous guardian. "You are SO dirty minded!" she sneers. "Mein Got! Your script is littered with more sleaze than a 24 hour brothel! What have you got to say for yourself?"

To that, Misato just grins, puts Shinji down on his bed, closes the door and starts squeaking the bed springs. Asuka flops on the couch and screams into the pillow.

"I think she's still mad at us…" comments Kaji. "She was like this when I thought she and Ritsuko were making out behind my back. She pretended she really was just to wreck my nerves..." and he thought about it for a second. "Actually it wasn't all thatbad…"

"I think we've heard enough about Misato's promiscuity…" Asuka scowls. "Come over and sit next to me please Kaji-san!" Asuka then asks playfully, puffing a pillow next to her. If she got the mood right, Asuka plotted, she might have the cat in the bag. However, Kaji is just about as interested in her as the Greens are for Pro-whaling.

"Sorry Asuka, but I really have to get going." Says Kaji, looking at his watch. "I'll probably see you tomorrow anyway."

"B-but I wanted to test out my new perfume!" sobs Asuka with Bambi eyes. She holds up her perfume bottle. "Just one whiff?" she asks innocently, with one hand clenching a cloth of chloroform behind her back.

Kaji sighs, looks around for any child protection agents, and reluctantly agrees.

Asuka's eyes flash and with a scream of "BANZAI-BLITZREIG!" she smacks Kaji on the face with the chloroform cloth.

In an instant Kaji takes of the cloth and starts spluttering. "Cough! Cough! Eugh!" he snorts. "You didn't have to put on so much Asuka!" he wipes his mouth.

"Wh-what?" Asuka gasps in shock, surprised that Kaji isn't woozy on his feet. "But I didn't!"

"Are you kidding?" Kaji picks up his coat on the way out. "It's like you dipped the entire cloth into the perfume! My nose is simply burning! Ow!"

"Perfume?" Asuka gasps, sniffing the cloth. "You're right! Schiessen! Someone has taken my bottle of chloroform and put my perfume in instead!" and she the looks to Kaji, who is now even less happy about that revelation. "Uh… heh-heh… Did I say chloroform? No! No! No! I was meant to say…" But Kaji is already out the door. "LARGE EXPLETIVE! I was so close too damn it!" and she clenches her fist, spraying some perfume in her face… she promptly falls over…

…

You see, when Misato and Shinji were left alone with the 'pot' soup and Asuka's chloroform, they had a mischievous idea. Taking out some perfume from one of Asuka's bottles, they put in a dubious cocktail of the sleeping drug and trippy drug for a laugh.

Because they were under the influence, they soon forgot all about I, and so Asuka now lay on the floor in the same state as someone watching Charlie the Unicorn goes to Candy Mountain in an Imax theatre…

…

"Oh Shinji!" sighs Misato, dancing passionately in a bikini with a twenty-something Shinji in a tuxedo. "You're so mature and brave and so much generally better than Asuka! I don't know why I ever decided to take care of that immature and less brave and less smart and less better pilot of an Evangelion than you are. What a red-haired brat. I should have spent all my time with you, grooming you up to be the perfect man that you already are anyway!"

5 minute Frencher

"Oh, you have to feel sorry for Asuka though." Says Shinji, picking up his leash and frilled apron. "She got so stressed trying to be grown up to impress Kaji, that she turned into a wrinkly old fart… Then Kaji married Touji."

…

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screams Asuka, popping out of her nightmare, sweat pouring from her face. "THAT WAS SO, SO WRONG!"

…

Oh when you're down and you're looking for some cheering up
Then just head right on up to the candy mountain cave
When you get inside you find yourself a cheery land
Such a happy and joy filled and perky merry land
They've got lollipops and gummidrops and candy things
Oh so many things that will brighten up your day
It's impossible to wear a frown in candy town
It's the neck of lovely candy cave
They've got jellybeans and coconut with little hats
Candy rats, chocolate bats, it's a wonderland of sweets
Buy the candy train to town and hear the candy band
Candy bells, it's a treat, as they march across the land
Cherry ribbon stream across the sky and to the ground
Turn around, it astounds, it's a dancing candy treat
In the candy cave imagination runs so free
So now Asuka before you go into the cave…

…

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screams Asuka, popping out of her nightmare, sweat pouring from her face. "THAT WAS SO, SO ANNOYING!"

…

"Can you keep it down?" asks Shinji with a frown. "Some of us are trying to sleep!"

"B-but Shin-chan!" whines Misato, cloth-less beside him. "I need hugs!"

"I need massage!" whines Ritsuko, on the other side.

"I need smoochies!" sobs Maya, ontop.

"WAAARK!"

…

(Twitch) "!" screams Asuka, popping out of her nightmare, sweat pouring from her face and gasping for breath. "OMFG! THAT WAS THE MOST WRONG, DISGUSTINGLY TWISTED THING I HAVE EVER SEEN!"

…

We're Knights of the Round Table.
We dance whene'er we're able.
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Camelot.
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.
We're Knights of the Round Table.
Our shows are formidable,
But many times we're given rhymes
That are quite un-sing-able.
We're opera mad in Camelot.
We sing from the diaphragm a loo00oot.

In war we're tough and able,
Quite indefatigable.
Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable.
It's a busy life in Camelot.
I have to push the pram a loo00oot.

…

"WTF?"

…

"Oh f$$$ they stole my liver!"

…

Asuka is just about to spray herself again, but she just manages to force her hand to drop the bottle by beating it against the table. Stumbling to her feet, she stumbles away to her bed for a rest.

"Oh damn!" she hobbles on her feet. "That stuff is STRONG! Eugh!" she feels her dizzy head with one hand, the other searching for a wall to guide her as her vision was still blurry. "I hope I don't have another trippy spell before I get to bed…"

…

GO GO POWER RANGERS!

TYRANOSAURUS!

STEGOSAURUS!

ALLOSAURUS!

TOMATO-SAURUS!

…

Asuka throws off the bucket she has on her head and stumbles onwards. "Just a… few… more… steps…"

…

"Hello and welcome to Shinji's Nude-lewd Cooking show! I am your leather bound hostess, Misato! And today we'll be cooking…"

…

"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"

…

"Are you okay Asuka?"

"I'm fine thank you Susan."

…

"WTF-2?"

…

Shinji smiles, licking his lips, with a smiling Misato patting his back. "Misato tastes like chicken!"

…

"GUUUUUAAAAAAAARRRRGH!" screams Asuka, running to the toilet and barfing. "THAT IS IT! THAT IS THE LAST STRAW!" she fumes, storming out while wiping her mouth with a paper towel. She stomps to the couch. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU PERVS! DAMN YOU KATSURAGI FOR BEING SO DIRTY MINDED, AND YOU TOO BAKA FOR BEING SO NAÏVE! I CAN'T SLEEP WITHOUT IMAGES OF EXPLICIT CONTENT INVADING MY DREAMS! IF YOU TWO EVER MENTION ANOTHER SICK JOKE AGAIN, SO HELP ME, I'LL INSERT A BASEBALL BAT UP BOTH YOUR (Censored) AND THEN HIT A HOME RUN! GOT-IT?" and she storms back into her room and slams the door.

Shinji and Misato watch her leave, then look back to each one-another, lying with intertwined arms and legs on the couch halfway through the process of removing their clothes with their teeth.

Misato gulps, spitting out Shinji's sleeve "Umm… Maybe we should continue our cooking lesson tomorrow ne Shin-chan?"

Shinji does up her bra clip before spitting it out. "Umm… yeah…" he blushes. "Um… Misato-san?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think she'll remember in the morning?"

"Do you think she'll want to?"

"Good point… Good-night!"
"Night!"

…

And that my friends, is...

THE END

(Thanx for all the reviews guys! This was fun to write! I hope you enjoyed it too!)