Disclaimer:

Gundam SEED is copyright of Bandai.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog is copyright of Robert Smigel

Author's notes:

I would like to make it clear that GUNDAM SEED SUCKS and that GUNDAM SEED DESTINY SUCKS MORESO...good? Understood? We don't want any dumb readers unable to get that fact into their heads even after my bajillion other fics...idiots...

Prologue: Fukada Strikes Back

“--so there I was, Charlie and Bravo had me pinned down behind the hill. Our supplies were running low and the troop's morale was in shambles. The enemy fire could be described as an endless torrent of rain falling down on our heads. I look down to Acaveda, who bit the dust a few minutes while I was not looking...he was only a child. Coming in terms with my destiny, I took a drive down memory lane to remember all the good times that I've had. The only thing that kept me going was the thought of my wife back home and the gold I managed to score back in Vietnam.”

Ramza Lionheart stared down on his friend, Jortaro, who had built himself a duplicate replica of the Alamo using mattresses he stole from the neighbor's apartment.

“Jortaro, get off your ass and come with me!” Ramza shouted. “We have a job to do.”

“No! I don't want to watch Gundam SEED Destiny with you! You made me watch the original SEED and I was mentally scarred for months! We know it's gonna suck, why do we need even bother to watch it?”

“How else can we confront those CE fans with our arguments. If they claim that Destiny is better than Zeta, we need to know how we can respond to them. It's research, man. Research!”

“You can't talk me into it!” Jortaro stated hiding under a blanket. “I'm wearing my security blanket.”

“Now, stop being inconsiderate. You're the only one I can count on.”

“What about Jestersage? Ask him to do it.”

“Jestersage is gone, he has committed suicide.”

“Suicide?”

“He gave up writing. Apparently, someone gave him a flame and he wussed out big time. You'd think someone his age would be able to handle flames, but no he actually apologized to his flamer.”

“...Do I have to?”

“Yes, but don't despair!” Ramza exclaimed. “For I have brought us an ally to help us through this mess.”

A Shar-Pei dog puppet appeared from behind the couch.

“Triumph the Insult Comic Dog!” Jortaro.

“Wasup, bitches!” Triumph laughed. “I just want to tell you, Jortaro, that you should stop acting like a sissy and face what's coming, man! Let the pooping begin!”

Jortaro grumbled and he quickly slid Destiny DVD into the player.

This message came on screen...

Abandon all hope, all ye who come here...

“This is going to be painful...” Jortaro whimpered. “I just know it...”

Scene #1: Luvly Merry-Go-Round, it's a Merry-Go-Round

The series opens up with a flashback of Orb's invasion, and we all know how much Fukada masturbates to flashbacks...anyway, a family of four is seen running towards the shelter.

“Hurry up, Shinn!” Ma Asuka shouted.

“Put a sock on it, Ma, he's running as fast as he could.” Pa Asuka replied.

“Why the hell are we running for shelter, anyway? Every single Gundam has shown us that shelters are the most dangerous place to be in.” Shinn replied, dragging his sister behind.

“Uh oh!” squeaked the sister.

“Now what?”

“I dropped my phone! Shinn, please get it for me!”

“We're under attack by an army of giant mechanoids, we have twenty seconds to get to safety and ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS YOUR FREAKIN' PHONE!”

“Yes.”

“...Fair enough.”

So Shinn ran down the hill in search of his sister's cell phone. Apparently, it's rule 101 in case of emergencies for stupid little girls to drop something of sentimental value...but let's not delve into that.

“Stupid family, working me to death...I hope they die a horribly gruesome--”

SPLAT!

“What the--?”

Shinn looked up and saw Freedom 'accidentally' stepping on his family.

“Whoops, sorry, didn't see ya there.” Kira apologized. “I really oughta be more careful. If I get one stain on this thing, Lacus is gonna bitch-slap me like there's no tomorrow. Get it? Never-ending tomorrow? Hehehe...oh, how I make myself laugh.”

So Kira left to fight one of the druggies (don't' know their names and I don't want to know) leaving a shocked Shinn.

“Heeey...I got my wish! I mean...OH NO! YOU KILLED MY FAMILY, YOU BASTARD!”

Back to our friends...

“So that's Fukada's big epic?” Ramza exclaimed. “Making us believe that it was Kira who killed Shinn's parents? It was clearly the druggie!”

“Well, it does mark for an interesting plot device.” Jortaro replied.

“Ooooh, I am so intrigued.” Ramza replied with sarcasm. “Was it Kira who killed Shinn's parents? Oooooooh, the suspense...I can't stand it.”

“Shhhh! Listen, do you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“If you listen carefully, you can hear a thousand Yaoi fangirls turned on by the thought of Shinn raping Kira.”

“You know, the funny thing about Yaoi Fangirls...is that they keep spewing nonsense about true love, yet all they ever wanna see is rape, rape and rape...where's the love in that?”

“Yaoi is an excellent genre...” Triumph exclaimed. “For me to poop on!”

Scene #2: Alien loves Predator

The scene opens with a shuttle docking in PLANT. The abominable bitch Cagalli and her would-be lover, Athrun got off and headed towards the conveyor belt.

“Why are we here again?” Cagalli asked.

“The sad thing is that Cagalli actually said that and Ramza didn't change it...” thought Athrun. “We're here to negotiate with the new Chairman of PLANT. Apparently, he's been building WMDs...which our inspector, Hans Blinx has failed to uncover (again) and it's our job to ensure they're not used for illegal purposes.”

“Oh, right...thanks a lot, Athrun. It's handy having you around as a walking notebook.”

“But Cagalli, don't think I'm willing to remind you of how to behave like an ambassador every so often.”

“Oh, I think you'd better. We'll be doing it five times per episode.”

Back to the viewers.

“You know, before Destiny came out, I predicted that Cagalli will be a moron in my other fics.” Ramza noted. “And Gundam SEED fans called me stupid...I say to them, who's laughing now, you morons! Who's laughing now!”

“You know, Ramza has gotten soft.” Triumph noted.

“Soft?” asked Jortaro. “In the past year, he has insulted SEED fans, Wing fans, Yaoi fangirls, Yaoi fanboys, King Takeda, fellow SEED authors and Mitsuo Fukada.”

“Yes, but he no longer hates the SEED animation director...for him, that's a big change.”

“You're right, Ramza has gotten soft.”

Scene #3: Akai Suesei...Kenzan!

“Princess! I, Char Aznable...I mean, Quattro Ba-...No! No! Gilbert Dullaindal, welcome you to PLANT.”

“Thanks, Chairman.” Cagalli said, handing him a paper. “This is a court order to cease-and-desist what you're doing.”

“Of creating weapons of mass destruction?”

“Of trying to rip yourself off from your previous Gundam incarnations.”

Outside...

“What the hell is Char Aznable doing in the Cosmic Era?” asked Ramza.

“Fukada is trying to include something he couldn't include with the original SEED.” Jortaro.

“What's that?”

“Class.”

“Honestly, they're expecting too much from him.” Triumph shrugged. “We'll be lucky if Char still has enough popularity after Destiny.”

Scene #4: The Three Stooges Generation III

A couple of mutts who the artist mistook for reasonable characters were sneaking into the Gundam hangar.

“All right, let's steal those Gundams before the audience figure out we look like the power rangers.” Sting noted.

“You worry too much. I bet they still laughing at this fic even Ramza refers to them as idiots.” Auel replied.

“Guys, does this dress make Stellar look fat?” Stellar noted.

“Shut up, Stellar!”

“All right, let's see what we have to work with here...hmmm...we're supposed to walk softly, tread loudly and speak swiftly.”

“No, you moron! It's walk loudly and carry a large--”

“No, no! It's slowly run and speak big...”

“No, Auel! It's speak softly and carry a log...uhhm...err...”

“No, you're getting it backwards! Neo explicitly told us to run loudly and you steal...errm...aaah...”

Meanwhile, Stellar was perplexed by a large red button.

“Ooooh, lookie here! A button? What? What's that, button? You say you want Stellar to press you? Are you sure, I think it might hurt you the first time.”

Stellar nodded to the button as she continued.

“Hmm, but if Stellar takes you through it slowly, maybe it won't hurt...ohmigosh, lookitme! All blushing and stuff...Stellar honestly don't known what to say...it's Stellar's first time as well.”

Meanwhile, Sting and Auel were scratching their heads.

“No, it's steal quickly and run softly...I think.”

“No, it's crawl fast and talk loudly, you haxx!”

“Well, that doesn't make sense either, you scum!”

“Bitch!”

“Bitch!”

Wheee! Wheee! Wheee! Wheee!

“Huh?”

They both turned around to see that Stellar had set off the alarm.

“STELLAR!”

“Ooops...hehehe!”

The entire hangar came up on their asses. The teens were soon surrounded by the whole army occupying Armory-One.

“Well, what now, Captain Blue?” asked Sting.

“We only have one option left...HENSHIN!”

A large flash blinded the ZAFT soldiers as the teens transformed.

“Viewtiful Sting!”

“Sexy Stellar!”

“Captain Blue!”

They posed like a trio of retards.

“Together we are...THE AXEM RANGERS!” Auel exclaimed.

“Let's do this...RED HOT KICK!” Sting shouted.

“SEXY FLASH!” Stellar jumped

A couple of minutes pass as the the idiots make mince out of the ZAFT soldiers.

Auel, in particular, was doing some weird Matrix-y moves.

“Whee!”

He shot from behind him.

“Yoohoo!”

He shot bending down, scratching his ass.

“Hiyaaah.”

He shot a couple of soldiers as he stood on one leg, cleaning his ear with the other.

“Kakooiiy!”

“What kind of battle is this!” a dying soldier told his friend. “There's like 5000 of us and only three of them!”

“Good point! We're outnumbered! Let's get outta here!”

The three stooges ran up to the Gundams, nicknamed Abyss (for infinite suckiness) Gaia (as in Final Fantasy) and Chaos (think Mitsuo Fukada's brain)

“You'd think ZAFT would make it harder for people to steal their Gundams after Justice and Freedom were easily stolen in the original SEED.” Sting told Auel.

“I guess it's that constitutional right for American citizens...every American has the right to be armed with a Gundam.”

Scene #5: Big Guns, Big Guns, they go boom!

“And finally, while I was menstruating, I told Athrun how fat my ass looked after Yuuna asked me out for--”

“Princess,” Gilbert shook his head. “In the last six hours of listening to your drivel, I still have no freakin' idea what the hell you're babbling about.”

“Chairman, are you sure you have everything under control?” Athrun asked.

“And who are you?”

“My name is...Alex Dino.”

“...Puh-lease, you're Athrun Zala. Do you honestly think a disguise like that could fool anybody?”

“It worked for you in Zeta Gundam, right?”

“Yes, but at least Zeta rocked the Gundam world with its---”

Boom! Boom! Boom!

“What the hell!”

The three looked outside to see the three Gundams wrecking havoc.

“Aww' crap!” Char...iman Dullaindal said. “Minerva team! Execute maneuver Delta! Shoot that Gundam out of the sky.”

“What is going on, Chairman?” Captain Gladys asked.

“Keep calm! Keep calm! Everything is under control! We have me, your fearless leader, to do the panicking for you! So I say, don't panic! Don't panic! I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY PANICKING AMONGST THE RANKS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

“...are you all right, Chairman?”

“I'm fine, I'm fine...now excuse me, while I go hide myself in an undisclosed location.”

Back in Minerva, Shinn was preparing to launch.

“Right, launch me in my rip-off of Victory Gundam!”

Meanwhile, in Bandai.

“Why did we rip-off Victory, anyway?” Okawara told Fukada. “Tomino specifically created Victory Gundam to state that combinable mobile suits suck ass!”

“You obviously don't understand what sort of audience the SEED fans, are.” Fukada replied. “They'll let me get away with anything!”

Scene #6: Ketazoh! Kotaro-neechan!

Out of the wreckage of the Zakus (very good mobile suit that pwned Gundams in Tomino's world, now reduced to cannon fodder) a very pretty young lady with blonde hair helped a red haired girl out.

“Bitch, get into the Red Zaku. I'll take the White Zaku.”

“But we drew lots!” she replied.

“I don't care! White suits me fine!”

Another Zaku shows up with Athrun and Cagalli inside.

“Ooooh! Oooh!” Cagalli shouted. “Shoot that one! No, shoot that one. Shoot it, Athrun!”

Athrun looked at Cagalli for a while before he spat in her eye.

“Aaaarrrgh!” she clutched her face.

“You know, by the end of this series, you're either dead or we break up...”

Meanwhile,

“Are these morons even trying!” Sting told Auel.

“Yeah...and after all the trouble we went through to steal those Gundams, they should at least fight back. Honestly, they're so inconsiderate.”

“Stellar is hungry...”

“Shut up, Stellar.” they both shouted.

Music plays...

“Where's that theme coming from?” Sting looked around.

“Over there...it's a bird!”

“It's a plane...”

“It's another plane...”

“And another plane...”

The plane all floated together, a surge of magnetic energy bringing them closer.

“Wind...water...fire...earth...heart...by your powers combined, I am Captain--”

The Gundam appeared and posed

“Impulse!”

The three Gundams stared at him in shock before realizing something.

“Hey, do you realize that while he was posing, we could have killed him?”

“...D'oh!”

Scene #7: This ass of mine is burning like an inferno

Outside PLANT, an Archangel rip-off named 'Guilty Louie' was preparing to attack.

Inside, yet another masked villain was waiting.

“Muuahaha! Let's attack the colony!” Neo, who is CLEARLY Mwu stated.

“Dear god, Takehito Koyasu...haven't you had enough?” the captain told him.

“Explain?”

“You've starred in every single anime known! You're practically everywhere, man! Why don't you freakin' stop! Your voice sucks! You sound like a piece of shit being rubbed on a smooth obsidian stone.”

“That's the point, idiot. By starring in so many animes, I will force anime fans to consent to my voice because they've heard it a lot! It's so nefarious! Kukukuku!”

“But your voice is the same in every single anime series! You're an A-class bad actor!”

“Enough OOC-ness, let's wreck havoc on this stupid colony...and...huh?”

Neo looked outside to see his three stooges being chased by Impulse.

“Pheer my angst, pheer me!” Shinn shouted.

“Get away from me, you freak!”

“We have a butt-ugly Quebely, A Zoid rip-off and a turtle-back...and we still can't defeat him!”

“Woah...the stars are so big!” Stellar stated.

“Easy, Stellar...there'll be time to rip-off Zeta Gundam later.”

A stupid looking fighter plane appears out of nowhere to fight Impulse.

“Tun ta ta! I have come to save the day by rescuing my useless lackeys. Neo Ronoarke (say that thirty times fast) at your service and I'm going to kick your butt...but why do I have the urge to have my ass fragged?”

Scene #8: Little big misadventure

“All right,” Talia nodded “we of the Minerva shall partake in hunt for Bogey one, which is the same thing that the Titans did to the Ahgama when they stole the Gundam Mark II...in any case, we only have three mobile suits whose pilots are an androgynous transvestite, a Fllay-clone and a boy who can't stop having wet-dreams about his dead sister...wow, this is going to be like one of those 1980s cartoons with all the good ol' fashioned family values.”

“Hey, Talia.” Gilbert said. “Let's have Anal sex.”

“...with the exception of one or two things...”

Meanwhile, Shinn was weeping on his stupid little cell phone.

“Oh, sister! Sister! Sis! Booohoooo!” he weeped before setting his cell phone on vibrator and stuffing it in his pants. “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

“What the hell?” Ramza exclaimed. “What about his parents? Were they nothing but cardboard cutouts? Normally people weep for their mothers and not their sisters!”

“Perhaps his parents abused him as a child.” replied Jortaro.

“That Shinn Asuka-bitch should have been a dog.” replied Triumph. “Cuz...you know...eheheheeh...dogs have incestual relationships all the time.”

“Speaking of fugged-up relationships, let's check SEED fan's most favorite couple...Athrun and Cagalli.”

Meanwhile, Cagalli and Athrun were fighting.

“You exposed my secret identity! I can't believe that!”

“Shut up, they would have figured it out anyway!”

“Clark Kent had been doing that for years and no one has ever noticed! I want a divorce!”

“You can't divorce me, Athrun! The fans love us!”

“Too bad for you, that Mitsuo Fukada doesn't know who to please.”

Scene #9: Go ahead, man, and rule the world and claim you're the master race

Neo watched as the three stooges were being brainwashed.

“What exactly are you showing them?” Neo asked a scientist.

“A world where the impossible becomes possible...where Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail is played continuously, where Harry Potter isn't considered a greek tragedy and where Gundam SEED is known to be a piece of trash.”

“...Any luck?”

“They completely rejected the idea, even brain-dead morons like them could tell that a world like that doesn't exist.”

“So what will you show them?”

“For Stellar, some episodes of Pee-Wee Herman, for Auel, episodes from the anime Bleach and for Sting, the original Gundam SEED...because he looks exactly like one of the druggies.”

Whee! Whee! Whee!

“Oh, it appears we're under attack...”

The Minerva began attacking the Guilty-something ship.

“Ma'am, there's a huge meteorite ahead of us.” Meyrin reported.

“Perfect, we shall use it for cover and attack Bogey-One.”

“Hold it, I have a better plan.” Athrun stated. “Let's have the Minerva scratch its side by the Meteorite, thus causing us to be within an inch of our deaths.”

“Hmm...with a plan so ridiculously idiotic, how can we not survive?”

“Who's asking to survive? I'm asking to die so I can spare myself Mitsuo Fukada's horrid directing.”

“Simmer down, Athrun.” Talia ordered. “Meyrin, what do you see?”

“Captain, our sensors indicate that this storyline is by far the most entertaining one in Destiny...and we still have 48 episodes to go.”

“Aww crap!” Char...iman Dullindal shouted. “How could things get any worse?”

“Stick around, Mitsuo Fukada never fails to disappoint.” Talia nodded and looked back. “How's our anti-hero wannabe doing in the hangar?”

“Let me launch! Let me launch! Let me launch!” Shinn wailed on and on.

Outside.

“Do you get it, guys?” Stink told them. “As soon as El-Freako combines, we get him...a'right?”

“Gotcha!”

“Wheeee!”

The transformation began.

“Reeeeeeeeeeetsuuuuuuu...comviiiiiineee.” shouted Shinn in EngRish as he combined. “And pose!”

“Attack him!” shouted Sting.

Nothing happened.

“What are you waiting for?”

“Dur?” Stellar looked around.

“I thought you were going to attack him first...hey? Sting? Are you there? What's that banging noise?”

Inside the cockpit, Sting was repeatedly bashing his head against the controls.

Scene #10: Next up on “female captains gone wild”

“Where is the captain?” Arthur asked.

“She's...indisposed.” Meyrin replied.

“?”

“She's having a 'private' conference with the chairman.”

“Huh?”

“They're discussing our rear-offensive strategy...in detail.”

“What?”

“They're taking probing and groping to a whole new level.”

“Pardon?”

“She's giving him a tour of her ship...from the inside.”

“Nani?”

“We're approaching an area of high disturbances, so she's him as a seatbelt...around her chest.”

“Que?”

“Instead of blowing the whistle on the ship, she's blowing the Chairman's whistle.”

“...I don't follow...”

“They're performing the dreaded 'rear admiral' maneuver.”

“What?”

“The captain ordered us to clean all cannon's on the ship, so she's cleaning the chairman's cannons.”

“...huh?”

“Due to insubordination from Shinn's part, the Chairman felt it was necessary to discipline the captain from behind.”

“...you mean he's!” Arthur gasped.

“Yes, the chairman is making the captain rewrite the ships log...in triplicate”

Meanwhile, in the captain's quarters...

Char...iman and Talia were...err...doing da nasty.

“What's my name, bitch!” Gilbert shouted.

SLAP!

“Oww! Char! Char Aznable!”

“Again! Again! What's my name, bitch!”

SLAP! SLAP!

“Char Aznable! Char Aznable!'

“What's my name, beeyatch!”

“Char Aznable!”

“Again!”

SLAP!

“Char Aznable! Char Aznable! Ooooooh!”

SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!

“Owwwie! Char Aznable! Char Aznable!”

“WHAT'S MY NAME! WHAT'S MY NAME!”

“CHAR! CHAR AZNABLE!”

“Great! Now go and tell the world who the mystery star of Gundam SEED Destiny truly is!”

Outside the series.

“I don't believe this! Since when did Gundam become soft-core porn!” shouted Ramza.

“Fukada must have wanted to share his fetishist experiences with his wife in bed with us.” Jortaro.

“You do realize that in the original Gundam, Talia and Dullinda's voice actor hated each other.”

“Oh, yes...oh yesss...” Triumph mumbled, licking himself...well, he is a dog.

“Triumph! That is disgusting!” Ramza shouted.

“STFU! I see two Gundam characters doing it doggy, and my pink thing needs licking!”

“I doubt we'd see anything more disgusting...” Jortaro sighed.

Meanwhile, Shinn was making love to his cellphone.

“Oooh yeeah...take me, phone, take me phone!”

“Me and my big mouth...” Jortaro shook his head.

Scene #11: Zakus and Goufs and Dinns...oh my!

Yzak, mysteriously missing a scar, and Dearka were on their ship. Yzak was promoted to commander while Dearka was reduced to being his lackey.

“I can't believe I agreed to another Fukadian-experience...” Yzak sighed.

“Not to worry, Yzak, we absolutely have no screen-time in this stupid mess.” Dearka replied.

“Right and my Master Tohofuhai once told me that the earth is so beautiful, which is why we must protect it from the wreckage of Junius-7 which is about to fall on earth. In the name of Master Asia, I shall--”

“Yzak, dude, you're no longer Domon Kashuu...”

“Oh, right...damn Fukada, he keeps using voice actors from other Gundam series...launch my Zaku!”

Outside.

“What the hell happened to Yzak's scar?” Ramza wondered.

“It disappeared, Yzak performed a facial lift on himself.”

“Too bad we can't do facial surgery on either Gundam SEED or it's sequel.”

“What's with Okawara reusing his old mechas? Is he getting senile at his old age?”

“Okawara has run out of ideas...he should commit seppuku, the red katana will only accept blood to forgive his crappy work.”

Scene #12: Theory of flight? I'll teach you the theory of fist!

Talia stood at the bridge of the Minerva, rubbing her sore bottom as she ignored the stare she was getting from Gilbert.

“Right, crew, we've been instructed to stop the wreckage of Junius-7 and stop the holocaust from raining on the Natural's tree-humping asses. We're on a timeline, here, so let's not screw around and get to it or all hell will break loose. Wreckage parts would destroy famous landmarks, children will cry and Artificial Newtypes would be traumatized by this colony drop and go out in search for their long-lost brother...”

“Woah, it's like watching Char's Counterattack from the good side!” Gilbert giggled like an imbecile.

“How are we going to stop Junius-7, Captain?” asked Meyrin.

“Where do you think? Well, the obvious choice would be to use nuclear bombs...unfortunately, even if SEED fans haven't watched Char's Counterattack they most certainly have watched Armageddon, so that option would be out.”

“How about we use the Tanhauser cannon to destroy the wreckage?” Gliber suggested.

“Nah, we all know how weak the mega-particle cannons are...just think, the Dominion's own mega-particle cannon couldn't even destroy Mwu's stupid suit.”

“You know that, I know that, but Gundam SEED fans don't know that...and if we do it right, we just might slip past them.”

“Fine, fine...launch the four crybabies.”

Meanwhile...

“Lunamaria, please!” Athrun begged. “Stop!”

Turns out that Lunamaria had her face buried in Athrun's crotch.

“I'm engaged, for the love of god! Leave me alone!”

“So let me get this straight,” Shinn told Rey. “In Destiny, Fukada has given Athrun four love interests...that's Cagalli, Lunamaria, Meyrin and Meer.”

“Maybe five love interests...” Rey noted. “The jury is still undecided on Kira.”

Scene #13: Yaru ja-nai ka, Brighto

The Impulse planes launch from the Minerva.

“Pose!” shouted Shinn as he transforms.

“Why do you keep doing that?” Athrun barked.

“I don't know, but somehow posing like this has gotten me through 150 attacks already.”

“Anyway, ZAFT idiots, why are you dropping Junius-7?”

“My daughter is dead!” a rouge ZAFT shouted. “She asked me to bury her on earth, so I'm sending her grave down to the planet.”

“Hold on, you want to send your daughter's grave to earth? Wouldn't have been more convenient to use Fed-Ex?” asked Shinn.

“Yes, but you wouldn't believe the prices they ask for...this is a lot cheaper and faster too.”

“Figures,” mumbled Athrun. “Of all the radical groups in space, we had to end up with the cheapest ones too.”

Bunch of boring fights later, Athrun gets his Zaku slaughtered and he falls down to Earth.

“Please tell Cagalli...I loathe her” he whimpered. “Shinn, why don't you save me?”

“Hmm, hold on, Athrun...let me check my book.”

Shinn brought out a book entitled “W.W.K.D” or “What Would Kamille Do?”

“Hmm...sez here that we've been stricted to two Zeta Gundam rip-offs per episode...ooh, I know. I'll save you from falling to earth, just like Kamille did to Quattro.”

“HELP ME, YOU BASTARD!”

“Fine, I'm coming...” Shinn whispered. “Whiny bitch...”

Scene #14: He is really neat and his hide is full of meat

Back on earth, all hell was breaking loose...pieces of Junius-7 were falling all over the world.

“Ruuunn!” a Japanese guy shouted. “It's another senseless disaster that causes us to run around aimlessly.”

“Don't despair!” a young girl shouted. “Look, it's Gamera! Friend to all children!”

The giant mutated turtle appeared to be coming to the rescue, but he actually seemed to be running away.

“30 years I've been saving incredibly annoying Japanese children and now I have to save the entire country! I QUIT!” Gamera shouted.

Meanwhile, in America...

The president was making a speech in front of the white house, holding an umbrella.

“This is another terrorist attack from Islamic radicals!” the president shouted. “Re-elect me for another term and I shall declare war on terrorism.”

Meanwhile, in some Arab country.

“Mr. President, I have some bad news...America is planning to invade us.”

“Aww crap, doomsday is here and the Americans still have time to be angry...”

“It gets worse.”

“Worse? How worse could it get?”

“We have no random Japanese guys to run around aimlessly in our country.”

“WE'RE DOOMED!”

Meanwhile, in France.

Rick and Elisa from the movie 'Casablanca' are talking...

“Oh, Rick...”

“Oh, Elisa...”

“Rick, the ZAFTrans are going crazy and the Blue Cosmos are slaughtering us all...”

“Don't worry, Elisa...Paris will always be here.”

A piece of Junius-7 falls and crushes Paris.

“...guess not.”

Meanwhile, in Quebec...

Thousands of people are dead, and the place lies in smoldering ruins.

“My god! There's no body left! Everyone is dead! Has Junius-7 caused this much damage?” A random guy asked.

“Actually, no...this was just retaliation from America after Quebec declared the French language to be their official language.”

Scene #15: Ahh knooow maaah haaaart weelll go aaaaaan aaand aaaaan

Meanwhile, in an undisclosed location, Kira, Lacus and the kids were going inside the shelter.

“Who could believe a straw hut on the beach could have a shelter so conveniently placed near it?” Kira asked.

“The same people who'll believe that this island is outfitted with a secret mobile suit hangar, a base for the archangel and a secret underground tunnel leading to safety.” Lacus answered.

“If you have money to build all this nonsense, why not build us a better house than that ransacked piece of shit on the beach?”

“What can I say? My mind is part songstress, part marshmallow.”

“Auntie Lacus...” a bastard kid said. “Are we going to die?”

“You, yes...me, not a chance. I have a three-series contract with Mitsuo Fukada and I'm based on his wife, even if the entire universe is destroyed, there's no way that I'm going to die.”

“Just my luck...” the kid sighed. “I get stuck with the super roach and his girlfriend.”

“Look at the bright side,” a young girl said. “At least, we're safe.”

“Kids...why don't I sing a song? You know I always sing at everything...listen to this, it's a life of sorrow and a life of fears, a life of horror and a life of tears...but there's always the blue bird of happiness.”

“Suddenly, being here doesn't seem like a good idea.” the kids said, clutching their ears.

Father Markio comes inside, panting.

“Gee, thanks a lot for leaving the blind guy to find the shelter on his own!”

“Don't be so sad, Father Markio. Here, why don't I sing you a song?”

“Lacus, I came into this shelter to escape from Junius-7 but now I'm going outside to escape from YOU!”

Intermission: In the land of Bandai where the directors lie

Mitsuo Fukada, SEED's director and Kunio Okawara, the mech designer were talking.

“Look at all these bad reviews! Everyone is saying I've ripped off Zeta Gundam! That's a lie! I absolutely did not rip-off Zeta!”

The script-writer for Gundam SEED, who happens to be his wife, came running.

“Good news, husband! The producer has agreed on my script where the crew of the Minerva partake in a bikini-contest before they go treasure hunting and end up finding the remains of Alfred Hitchock right after they come in contact with a dimensional hole leading to the world of Digimon.”

“Well, at least we know there's one thing you didn't rip off from Zeta Gundam.” Okawara told Fukada.

“What's that?”

“Good writers.”

Scene #16: Time for a little R&R...enjoy the Cagalli-bashing

Captain Talia asked Meyrin for a status report.

“Give me a sit-wrap, Meyrin.”

“Captain, the second storyline is over and the following has been established...Athrun has over five love-interests, Shinn is still shagging his cellphone...oh and your romantic plot with the Chairman will not take place again, for some strange reason.”

“In other words...virtually no plot has moved forward?”

“Exactly.”

Meanwhile...

“Duh...” Cagalli stated. “I don't know what to do...I'm not sure what to say...durr...I'm just being stupid.”

Outside.

“Make the bitch stop!” Ramza pleaded. “I can't stand her stupidity any longer!”

Back to the show...

“Shut up, you dumbass!” Shinn barked.

Everyone looked shocked, including Ramza who was watching this.

“Your family has been the causing of everything! Your father was an idiot who built WMDs and caused our country to be invaded! His policy was so hypocritical, it made me sick! After he realized that, he stayed behind in the exploding base when he could have escaped but he didn't, because he's an idiot!”

Cagalli was in tears.

“You...are...nothing...BUT AN IDIOT!”

Shinn smacks Cagalli on the way out.

“HELL YES!” Ramza shouted with glee. “I've been waiting for this moment ever since the original Gundam SEED! You got what you deserve, stupid Cagalli! Cry your eyes out for me! Muahahahaahah!”

“Aaaw, don't be like that, Ramza.” Triumph noted. “Cagalli is just an excellent character...FOR ME TO POOP ON!”

Ramza and Triumph hug and laugh as Jortaro shakes his head.

Intermission #2: Gonna stay at the YMCA

“Triumph, we have a problem...” Jortaro said.

“What's wrong?”

“I think Ramza is turning gay...”

“What you say, bitch? That's nonsense, what brought that on?”

“All the Cagalli bashing is being done by Shinn...and he's enjoying it. I think he's starting to become attracted to Shinn.”

“Ridiculous...hey, Ramza, what do you think of Shinn Asuka?”

“Shinn? Hmm...if he was a girl, I'd definitely like to marry--”

“GAAAH! Enough!” Triumph shouted. “This definitely calls for desperate measures...I know a couple of hookers who can help me straighten him up...in the meantime, Jortaro, you get to deal with the rest of the series till we get back.

“Thanks a lot, jerks.”

Scene #17: Welcome to ORB, don't feed the Ultimate Coordinator

A mechanic with gigantic breasts approaches the captain.

“Greetings, I am Maria Vernes and I'm here to--”

“Sorry, Murrue Ramius, but the jig is up...in more ways than one.”

“Huh? I have no idea what you're talking about.”

“I've seen pictures of you, Captain of the Archangel.”

“Where did you see the pictures? In a documentary of the war?”

“No, on a website made by Mwu-La-Frag-my ass...w3w. stinking Mwu...”

Meanwhile...Shinn was walking on the beach.

“Oooh, sister..whine whine, cry cry cry.”

Kira approaches him.

“Wasup?”

“Hey...you look a lot like me.”

“I should, I was the character that inspired your design...trust me, I've been there with the crying and whining.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Just came to let ya know that I'll be stealing the series from you shortly.”

A singing voice edges closer to them.

“My god, is somebody killing a cat?” Shinn asked.

“Nah, that's just Lacus...her genes are programmed to sing every two seconds or else she'd die. It's like oxygen for her.”

“Heeeey...wait a second! I recognize you! You're the one who killed my family! You're going to hell, you bastard!”

“Too late...I live with Lacus. I'm already there.”

Meanwhile, back to Cagalli and Athrun.

“Cagalli...I've decided to defect again and join ZAFT. It'll be a good excuse to get away from your ugly ass.”

“Oh, Athrun, why don't you give me a ring...something that will tell other people that I belong to you?”

“Frankly, Cagalli, a dog's collar would be more suited for you...”

Outside...

“Aww, isn't that sweet, Jortaro? Cagalli likes Athrun because he looks like a boy.”

“Yeah...and he likes her for the same reason!”

They both rolled on the floor, laughing.

Scene #18: Who wants to be an evil overlord with Geese Howard?

Djibril sat on his chair, stroking a cat.

“Now, ignoring the fact that I look a lot like Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget, I shall relay my plans to you, my fellow evil bad guys...I am Djibril, but it's actually pronounced Gibril, a name that sounds a lot like one of God's angels. If you remember correctly, in the original SEED, Azrael was also a name for another angel...which proves Fukada is trying to display religion as being evil. Anyho, the plot goes something like this...the bad guy is actually Dullaindal, but I am posing as a semi-bad guy until the mid-series where you think I am the ultimate bad guy where it is actually Dullaindal...but Dullindal doesn't want to kill people, he just wants to rule them, so in fact...I am actually the ultimate bad guy because he is not as evil as I am...but Dullindal is actually in the final battle, so he's the ultimate bad guy but he is also working for me, thinking I am working for him but people might consider that I am actually really working for him...so if I am working for him, that would really make him the ultimate bad guy because I am so evil myself.”

“Hold on, wait just a minute!” one of his subordinates shouted. “You've lost me! Who is the ultimate bad guy, again?”

“Actually, it's Mitsuo Fukada...he's the fat bastard who came up with this ridiculous convoluted plot...”

Scene #19: Will the real Lacus Clyne please stand up...and die?

“Chairman, we have brought you Meer Campbell.”

The secretary brought in a blue haired girl.

“What do you want with me?” she asked.

“I need to ask you this, can you sing?”

“Yes.”

“Can you dance?”

“Yes.”

“Can you bore people with your monotone?”

“Yes.”

“...what's two plus two?”

“Four.”

“We have a problem!” Dullaindal exclaimed. “She's a lot smarter than Lacus.”

“Yes, but hopefully she'll keep her mouth shut, Chairman.” the secretary noted.

“Heellooo...this is Lacus Clyne we're talking about. She's not supposed to shut up!”

“I know! Let me give her brain damage!”

The secretary brought a giant metal hammer and slammed it on Meer's head.

Conk!

“What's two plus two?” she asked.

“...five?”

Conk!

“What's two plus two?”

“...se...ven?”

Conk!

“Two plus two equals?”

“Duh...twenty two?”

“Perfect!” Dullindal exclaimed. “Let the process begins.”

One pink wig later, Meer looked exactly like Lacus.

Outside the viewing screen.

Ramza and Jortaro screamed in horror.

“!”

“Why would anybody wanna create two Lacus!” Jortaro shouted.

“Oooh, I remember Lacus.” Triumph laughed. “She takes off her clothes at the drop of a hat...I once ripped that golden hair clip thingy from her head...she enjoyed it.”

Meanwhile, in the hangar...

“Athrun, I'm giving you the Saviour Gundam...you'll notice it's exactly the same as Justice. In fact, this entire footage is a rehash of the scene where Lacus gives Kira the Freedom Gundam.”

“Wow, how nice of Fukada to reuse old footage...sticking new figures in and trying to fool us that he's got a new scene on our hands...”

“Right, but that's not why I called you here. You get to be a member of FAITH, an elite group who can do various jobs...like cleaning the litter from the beach, beating up on angry protesters.”

“Do I get any privileges?”

“Nah, the same wage...but you get a 20 percent discount at the gift shop and you are allowed to rip-off Zeta Gundam three times per episode.”

Scene #20: Alas, poor Jestersage, I knew him well...so what?

Meanwhile, in Eurasia, Jestersage was giving a speech to pacify the angry Naturals who were itching to go to war...

“Brothers and sisters! This is not the way of peace!” Jestersage shouted. “Fighting is bad! We should all hug and kiss and be friends! I, too, once joined in the ugly battle of “UC fans vs. CE fans” and then I became disgusted with the human race! I decided to quit being an author and roamed around the world searching for a purpose. Now the obvious choices for me were to become a masked villain and drop a giant asteroid on both fans to shut them up, but no! I say...So what? I've discovered that 'so what' is the best policy you can take! So what if Lacus is dumb? So what if Destiny has big boobs in it? So what if Okawara reuses his old work? So what if Destiny sucks? So what if people die every day? So what if people get slaughtered? So what if thousands of innocent children die from malaria? So what if serial killers murder people? So what if poison gas is used on an entire population? So what? Listen, my friends! So what, is the way of peace...let's all follow the way of 'so what'!”

The Naturals were, needless to say, not very moved by his speech.

“So what? That's his policy?”

“What a load of crap!”

“You think you can justify my mother's death with so what?”

“You dare claim you can justify my son's death with so what?”

“How dare you say that!”

“So...like...we're supposed to ignore anything because of so what?”

“Hey, Jestersage! I've got a thing for you...a .45 thing to be exact!”

“Following your policy, I say...so what if we want to kill you?”

“Huh?” he said, increasingly worried.

“Yeah...so we what if we want to torture you to death?”

“So what if I want to smash your head in?”

“So what if I we want to tear you from limb to limb!”

“SO WHAT!”

“No, wait!” Jestersage grew afraid. “This is not the way I planned---aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

The angry mob overcame him and started beating on him with sharp objects...

“Great, now that he's gone, let's go declare war on the Naturals.”

“Yay!”

The mob leaves as Ramza and Jortaro stand on Jestersage...or what's left of him.

“I told him not to become a hippy!” Ramza shouted in anguish. “But he didn't listen to me! Why didn't he listen to me!”

“...So what?”

Scene #21: Heigh-ho, to escape from UAE we go...

Talia and her officer Arthur were enjoying the view.

“Tell me, Arthur, have you always been...so sissy?”

“Pardon me?”

“You're always so gentle...you could be the first second-in-command Gundam character who can get his ass kicked by Haro.”

“If you must know, I had been castrated at an early age...”

They see Shinn,Rey and Lunamaria running up the ramp leading to the Minerva, looking afraid.

“Cast off! We need to get out of here!” Lunamaria shouted.

“What happened?”

“Rey went to strip-bar and started stripping for the guests...then they discovered that he's not really a girl and decided they want to kill us all!”

“Oh, and I also tried to blow up the royal palace in Orb, just as you would know.” Shinn added.

“Good god! We need to flee and fast! Be fleet about it!”

“Too fleet! The Orb fleet has caught up with us!”

“How the fleet is that possible!”

Inside the royal palace...

A purple haired girly man, competing with Mwu for the title of the sissiest Gundam character, was talking to a bald guy...

“Father, the Minerva will soon fall under our hands. Now, nothing! Nothing will stand against me and Cagalli being married.”

“Are you sure you want to go through this?”

“Trust me, it's the only way she'll like me...Cagalli is not as stupid as she looks (Actual line from the series)”

“By saying that...you imply she looks stupid.”

“Yes.”

Outside.

“We totally agree.” Ramza and his friends nodded.

Scene #22: Hail to the King Takeda, baby

A goofy looking Alliance ship captain was steering his fleet to attack PLANT.

“Muahahaah! Attack PLANT! Let's show the world what a bad-ass I am!” the captain shouted.

“Hey...” his co-officer asked him. “You sound familiar...”

“I should...I am King Takeda, the producer of Gundam SEED and Gundam SEED Destiny.”

“Oh my god! You mean you're a real person!”

“That's right! I told Mitsuo Fukada I wouldn't produce this series unless he includes me in the story! I appear in episodes 9, 19, 21 and 26 as a character named after me and voiced by me.”

“This...this is ridiculous! Mitsuo Fukada has gone too far! I mean...putting real people in the anime? Have you people no shame?”

“No...it's a real treat to see myself on animenewsnetwork with the words 'voiced himself in Gundam SEED Destiny' written under my profile.”

Scene #23: The assassination of Richard Nixon

Meanwhile, in Lacus's stupid beach house..

Lacus walked without a care in the world, having put the children to sleep (I wish somebody would put her to sleep for good) she smiled as three visible red dots appeared on her face...they looked like laser sights from a sniper rifle.

“Oooh...a flower.”

Lacus bent down to pick a flower, allowing the bullets fired from the sniper rifles to miss her completely (how a flower can a grow inside a hut, you ask? Well, Lacus is so cheap, she didn't install any floors).

“Aiiiyaaaaaah!” A ninja appeared trying to slit her throat when a cow fell on top of him. “Owwwie!”

“Die, bitch!” another ninja appeared, this one was killed by a falling moose.

“That's weird...” Lacus said. “The weather didn't say anything about ninjas and animals raining from the sky.”

Another ninja came up to Lacus with a package.

“This is for you.”

“Thank you.” she smiled as she opened the package.

Turned out to be a nuclear bomb...

“Oh, poopy...”

The bomb exploded, decimating all life on the island...sadly, Lacus survived.

“Hehehe!” she said with a blackened face. “How did that happen?”

“The bitch is still alive! Get to your mechs!”

“Not so fast!”

Kira appeared...piloting none other than the Freedom Gundam.

“Hey, wasn't that thing destroyed in the original series?” Ramza asked.

“Wasn't Mwu killed in the original series?” Jortaro replied.

“...good point, I'll shut up.”

Kira uses his full-burst attacked to incapacitate the ninjas in their mobile suits.

“Now that we've all be acquainted, let me sing a song to appease your hearts.” Lacus said with a smile.

“Screw this! Goodbye, cruel world!”

The assassins self-detonate themselves...apparently, they'd rather go to hell than listen to Lacus's squeaking.

Scene #24: And now for something completely different...

“Hey! How come Ramza doesn't give me a lot of screen time in this parody?” Shinn asked.

“Because he's being faithful to the series,” Rey replied. “By the time Kira is introduced, you'll be constantly fighting for screen-time...meanwhile, the audience will be left wondering who the main character really is.”

“Goddammit...I'm gonna go get Impulse.”

We sit through another long 30-minute sequence where Shinn combines again.

“Pose!”

“Again?” Rey sighed.

Zeta Gundam music plays.

“What the hell?”

Saviour appears and does Zeta Gundam transformation (including the 'schwing' thingie)

“Nation of Orb!” shouted Athrun. “I have come to help you...huh? What?”

Athrun is surprised when the Orb troopers try to shoot him down.

“Great, they must have got wind of my defect to ZAFT...it's hard being a backstabbing son of a bitch like me...”

So Saviour manages to get to the Minerva. They exchange a couple of witty banter, Lunmaria sniffed Athrun's crotch, Meyrin undressed, Talia felt lonely with Char...iman and Shinn kept doing some nasty business.

“I hope you don't mind me taking a shower naked in front of you, Shinn.” Rey stated.

“Shut up! I'm trying to listen to my sister's voice.” Shinn said as he replayed her message, rubbing his crotch all the while.

Scene #25: Shin Emma Sheen

Shinn and company were ordered to attack some base named Gibraltar for some odd reason. If you ask me, I should have kept a score card to keep track of what's going on in this confusing mess. Anyway, Shinn decides to rescue some hostages.

“Swim, Timmy.” said Shinn as he released some dolphins into the sea. “Swim back to your mother.”

“Great work, Shinn...” Athrun said sarcastically. “Why didn't you rescue the humans?”

“Because I don't like you.”

“Bitch!”

Athrun slaps Shinn.

“Oww! Why did you do that!”

“Because the Chairman has instructed me to copy Zeta Gundam. Since Emma Sheen slapped Kamille an average of three times per episode, Mitsuo Fukada is trying to break that record.”

Slap!

“Stop that!”

Slap!

“You bitch!”

Slap!

“Hey!”

Slap!

“Owww!”

“Okay, I slapped you more than three times. No more hard feelings, eh Shinn?”

“Grrrr!”

“Hey, guys!” a mechanic said. “Lacus Clyne is having a concert! Let's go watch.”

Intermission #3: Triumph vs. Lacus Clyne

“Jortaro, where did Triumph run off to?”

“He was bored...he said he doesn't like sitting here and claims he needs to go out in the field, where he belongs.”

“You mean...”

“That's right, Triumph went to the fake Lacus concert.”

Triumph appears on screen, sporting a microphone.

“This is Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, reporting live from the base of who-gives-a-shit in the ceremony of Lacus Clyne, otherwise known as Meer Campbell...the poopy stench of ZAFT scumbags has been neutralized by the sweet and pungent aroma of lunacy that is...Meer Campbell.”

The ZAFT soldiers were madly cheering for Lacus.

“RAKASU-SAMA!” the wailed like idiots.

“Where did Mitsuo Fukada find so many idiots to shout Lacus's name?” Ramza asked.

“Take a look around, Ramza, and count the number of Lacus fans out there...they were more than happy to provide their voices for this production.”

Triumph continues to shoot the footage of people crying at Lacus/Meer.

“Yes, people from all over Earth, connected by a common disconnect with reality...and absence of logic have fallen under the spell of Lacus Clyne. Idiots, who cannot understand what a suck-ass character Lacus is...nor can they be able to comprehend that the big-breasted idiot up there is not Lacus, rather a very disturbing replica of her.”

“RAKASU-SAMA!” shouted the Lacus fans.

“Of course...when Gundam SEED Destiny is over,” Triumph continued. “None of us can really say if Meer Campbell is crazy or not...but there is one thing we do know...SHE'S CRAZY!”

Triumph proceeds to do what he does best...interviews.

“So you're a fan of Lacus?” Triumph asked a guy.

“That's right. Lacus-sama rulz! She loves me! She blew me a kiss once.”

“Right...right...when was the last time you talked to a woman without giving her your credit card number?”

“...sh..shut up! Lacus-sama rulz!”

“Yes, keep telling yourself that.”

Outside, Ramza and Jortaro were laughing.

Triumph sees a real Lacus impersonator.

“Hey, it's a Lacus-cosplayer...tell me, darling, are you Lacus Clyne?”

“Of course.”

“Nice, you've got her down exactly...the breasts, the monotone expression, the annoying sound...you've even got the same IQ.”

“Hmph.”

“Do a Lacus impersonation.”

“Annooooo tooookiiii...”

“Great, now do Lacus SEED mode.”

The cosplayer tried looking serious.

“Great...now do Lacus stripping herself to Kira Yamato.”

Meanwhile, Ramza laughed so hard he almost pissed himself.

A pink Zaku appears, carrying the fake Lacus. She started singing a hip-hop version of that song I can't remember its name...the fans were mesmerized by her...mostly because her breasts bounced a lot.

Amongst the crowd, Triumph shouted.

“Hey, Lacus! Great singing! I loved it! Normally, I have to eat grass when I want to vomit!”

Ramza and Jortaro rolled on the floor, almost dying from laughing.

Scene #26: Tantei Gakuen Q

Athrun woke up next to Lacus Clyne.

“My god! She has come back to haunt me...oh wait, it's just her crazy impersonator.”

Lunamaria comes in.

“Athrun, let's go swimming on the beach.”

“No way, he's mine, bitch!” Meer shouted.

“Shut up, ho! He's mine!”

“Mine!”

“Mine!”

“Whore!”

“Bitch!”

“Tomboy!”

“Slut!”

Shouts come from the audience.

“Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!”

A sudden realization dawns on Athrun as looks at the audience...the screen becomes gray as the words appear beneath his face.

“Next up on Jerry Springer: Athrun Zara...is he a good guy or is he the ultimate Gigolo?”

Scene #27: I remember the time when you left for Santa Monica

Miriallia Haww, disguised as a photographer, enters the hotel were the Minerva crew is staying. Gee, how original...In the original Gundam, Kai Shiden was a member of the White Base before he became a journalist in Zeta Gundam...In SEED, Mirallia was a member of the Archangel before she became a journalist in Destiny. Is there anything they haven't stolen yet?

“Greetings, I am reporter and most definitely not a spy...can you tell me where to find Captain Galdys?” she asked a mechanic.

“Over there, on all fours being screwed in the butt.”

“...does the Chairman know about this?”

“He should, he's the one who's screwing her in the butt.”

“...What about Ace pilot Rey Za Barrel?”

“He's over there, too.”

“I don't see him...I see a girl with a blond hair and a really gentle smile on her.”

“I got news you for you...that's Rey.”

“What about Shin Asuka?”

“In his quarters...do you hear the heavy breathing? I can tell you. he's not cleaning his cellphone...and trust me, you don't want to ask what he's doing.”

“My god...where is Athrun Zara?”

Athrun runs across the hotel, buck-naked, dragging Meyrin, Meer and Lunamaria.

“LET GO OF ME! HELP! RAPE! RAPE!”

“Oh my goodness...” Miriallia shook her head. “The Minerva is filled with sexual deviants who think about nothing but sex, sex and sex...heeeey...it's exactly like the Archangel. I feel right at home!”

Scene #28: T.M. REVOLTING

A new character was introduced.

“Greetings, Athrun.” he said. “My name is Heine...it should be easy to remember, since it rhymes with Hymen.”

“...You look and sound familiar.”

“I should...I am Mitsuo Fukada's gay lover. He gave me a part in the original SEED as Miguel Ayman and I perform both opening songs for the two series.”

“I am deeply disturbed by what you have just told me...”

“Really? It doesn't show...In one episode, I show more emotional range than you do.”

Talia appears.

“Since we know you're going to die because you're not a good voice actor...I'm going to give you my special double service. I'm going to give you two ceremonies, a party for joining the Minerva and a special advance funeral.”

“Gee, how considerate of you.”

Scene #29: Man of steel, huh? File this under Perry White!

The battle of Minerva against Orb begins...

“Athrun, I have no idea who to shoot!” Shinn shouted.

“Just shoot using that strange explosive Green pack! God-knows you never use it in the series.”

“Fire the Tanhauser cannon!” shouted Talia.

Music plays:

Gotta Flash-back 'em all!

Gotta Flash-back 'em all!

Fukadamon!

The music stops as a rehashed footage of Freedom flying out of the sun and destroying the Tanhauser cannon.

“Now, I know I don't like killing people...but just for once, I'm going to blow part of this ship and kill all the mechanics there...huh? Suddenly, I'm starting to feel like an idiot.”

“Kira!” Athrun shouted. “What are you doing here, git!”

“Don't blame me, it's Cagalli doing.”

Cagalli appears and starts babbling.

“Fleet of Orb! Listen to me! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!”

Meanwhile, Jona was scratching his ears.

“Shoot that bitch of that sky!”

“But...but that's Cagalli-sama!”

“If you don't shut up, she'll bring up a flashback of her father Uzomi and we get to listen to another hour of his drivel!”

“My god, you're right! Shoot the bitch!”

“Noooooooooooo!” wept Cagalli.

We get to see a delicious scene of Cagalli crying her eyes out as her people get slaughtered.

“Hahaahahahaha! I'm killing your people, Cagalli! How about that!” laughed Shinn.

Meanwhile...

“Mmmm...Shinn.” Ramza smiled. “You're like sweet, sweet nectar to me.”

Scene #30: Monkeys are always funny

The Minerva crew found an old abandoned factory.

Talia and Arthur had gas masks on them as they looked down on a giant pit of green glowing liquid.

“My word, this place stinks! What is this place?”

“An old sewage facility...it got shut down after the war and Mitsuo Fukada purchased it off the government.”

“Why?”

“So he can fish out things like the script for this series out of the garbage.”

Whee! Whee! Whee!

“Now what?”

The base gets attacked by the doggy Gundam.

“Shinn, scramble in the Impulse and for god's sake, don't do the pose thing.”

“Whatever...I still get to spend 30 minutes combining.” he shrugged. “Here, doggy doggy. You like this stick? Go fetch!”

“Woof!”

The doggy Gundam followed the imaginary stick into the sea and it sank down.

“Help Stellar! Help Stellar, she's drowning!” a blond girl wailed.

“Stellar!” Shinn shouted.

“That Stellar is so stellar.” Ramza snickered.

“Why didn't you do a scene on how she met Shinn?”

“You mean the one where they hid in the cave? I slept through that sequence, so I don't remember it very well.”

Scene #31: Revenge of the Sith

Stellar is bound and gagged aboard the Minerva.

“It's hopeless...” the doctor shook his head sadly.

“You mean she's going to die?” Shinn asked.

“Nah, she'll live...I meant she doesn't have a Coordinator's medical card on her. My hospital won't take her in.”

“How can I save her?”

“She needs mountain dew and lots of it!”

“Hmm...the only ones who have a large supply of Mountain Dew are the Alliance.”

So Shinn steals Stellar and the Core Splendor (girly name...) and flew to meet Neo.

“Hmm...I'm sensing a disturbance in the force.” Neo said as the commander looked at him.

“Sir, a plane thing is--”

“--approaching us, yes...” Neo nodded. “I have foreseen it...the force is strong with this one.”

“What do we do?”

“I'm going to meet him...” Neo looked down and thought. “Hmm...I sense something...a presence I haven't felt since...”

So Neo and Shinn met on some rock as Shinn handed Stellar over.

“Neo, I'm going to give you Stellar...but I don't want her to fight.”

“She has to fight.” Neo answered. “You have no idea of the power of the dark side.”

“No, Stellar belongs to a world full of puppies and cotton-candy trees.”

“Search your feelings. You know it be true.”

“No!”

“It's useless to resist.”

“Shut up! ”

“Fine, jackass, hand her over.”

“Okay, but promise me you won't make her pilot mobile suits again.”

“I find your lack of trust disturbing...”

Scene #32: This Psycho Gundam is more psychotic than psycho

As soon as Neo returned to base he kicked Stellar's ass and shoved her into the suit without even changing her clothes.

“In you go, el-stupido.”

“Didn't you promise Shinn not to make her pilot any mobile suits?” Sting asked him.

“Yes, but he's not here to see it.”

“Stellar needs to pee...”

“Shut up, Stellar!” they both shouted.

So the Psycho Gundam rip off started wrecking havoc in Moscow...or was it Berlin? Those cities look the same to me. Anyway, lots of senseless death that doesn't add to shit, until the Minerva and the Archangel appear.

“You know, the White Base was considered obsolete after six months...” Talia noted. “How can the Archangel fight for three years and still kick so much butt?”

“The power of ridiculous Fukudian plot holes compels you.” Murrue said over the comm. “The power of Fukada compels you.”

Meanwhile, Stellar was shooting at everything that moves...

Turns out that she was given a drug that made her see everything as Barney the purple dinosaur.

“Aaaaaaaah! Stay away from me, Barney! Stay the hell away!”

Meanwhile...

“Phew...” Sting wiped the sweat off his forehead. “That bitch needs to cool down once in a while...now, I'll just relax with some good ol' Mountain Dew.”

“DIE!”

A couple of nameless characters gang up on Sting and destroy him.

“My god, I just realized something!” he gasped. “I am the first Gundam pilot in history to be killed by a nameless character! Oh, the shame!”

Sting dropped to the ground...he crawled on the snow towards his beloved Mountain Dew.

“The...least...I...cannot...die...without...drinking...my...precious...mountain...dewww...”

Impulse steps on him.

“Stellar!”

“Shinn!”

Impulse starts hugging Psycho Gundam...it's a disturbing sight, what with Psycho being three times its size. (I know it's called Destroy Gundam, so shut your trap, stupid SEED fans)

“I wuv you, Stellar.”

“Stellar wuvs you too, Shinn!”

“Hold it, no one can have a happy ending when I'm around!”

Kira appears...again.

“What do you want?”

“Fllay is my girlfriend, you cannot take her away from me!”

“What the hell? Stellar is not Fllay...”

“Yes, she is...Stellar translates to Allster (it's true) and her voice actress is the same as Fllay.” Kira turned to Stellar. “Fllay, come with me.”

“No, Kira, you betrayed me.”

“I'm not having this talk coming from you, woman! Go back to the kitchen where you belong!”

“Screw you!”

“You did that in the original SEED and I became more powerful than you could imagine. If you screw Shinn, there's no telling how powerful he could become! You must die!”

Kira stabs Psycho Gundam...the beam saber was miles away from Stellar, yet she somehow looked like she was dying.

“!”

“There ya go.” Kira smiled and Freedom patted Impulse. “See? You're doing just fine copying me.”

Shinn hops down and goes to Stellar (who is in one piece).

“Stellar, you cannot die!”

“I have to die...I'm a Gundam girlfriend...Gundam girlfriends always die.”

“Then how come bitch Lacus won't die?”

“You seen her kissing Kira? Their relationship is screwed up.”

“Stellar! Steeellllaar!”

Shinn cries as he takes Stellar to a frozen lake.

“Oh, Stellar, I'm going to bury you in the water you hated so much...”

“Uhh...on second thought, I'm actually fine.” Stellar nodded. “Shinn, you can take me home so we can kiss and make up and--”

Shinn drops her into the water.

“Grrprppghgghgh!” Stellar gurgled as she drowned.

“Goodbye, Stellar.” he said, throwing his sister's phone away and replacing it with Stellar's sea shell. “STEEELLLAAAR!”

Intermission #4: Sometimes they call us Blade Runners

“Is that it for Stellar?” Ramza asked.

“Yep.” Jortaro replied.

“But...but...this doesn't make sense...it's so early. What about her relationship to Fllay? Why was Stellar standing next to Fllay in the ending song?”

“It was just an easter egg on Fukada's part...the biggest surprise about Stellar is that there's no surprise at all!”

Scene #33: Atarashi asa-ga kita

“Damage report!” Talia ordered.

“We've suffered heavy losses!” Meyrin said.

“You mean mobile suit losses?”

“No, character losses...Neo is captured by the Archangel, Shinn has lost his incestual infatuation, Lunmaria is still an idiot, Kira has no development at all and Athrun is still moping like a bitch.”

Meanwhile, Athrun is whimpering in the corner.

“Kira is my enemy...no, Kira is my lover...no, I hate Kira...no I love him...oh, what should I do?”

“Go slap Shinn.” Talia ordered. “You always seem to do that even when he doesn't deserve it.”

“Great idea!”

“Meyrin, does damage control tell you anything else?”

“Yes, our sensors indicate that the focus will be shifting away from Shinn and Kira will be the main character...we're losing screentime, captain.”

Meanwhile...

Shinn and Rey were talking.

“Rey! I need your help.”

“Frankly, Shinn...I don't think Freud can help you, but I'll give it a try...see this inkstain? What do you see?”

“That one reminds me of my sister, naked...and that one is also of my sister...and that one is of Freedom exploding.”

“Bingo! We have a winner, roll that plot-device.”

“Can I defeat Freedom?”

“There is a way. It's an ancient technique mixing clever planning and devilish thinking.”

“Teach me!”

“Of course, Shinn...but careful, the dark side is a path that leads to many abilities that some consider unnatural.”

“Like bringing the dead back to life?”

“No, like wringing every last cent out of insipid tired franchise like Gundam SEED...”

“I'm not interested in that. All I want is to kill Freedom!”

“Well then, you must understand the ways of the Sith.”

“Can it be done?”

“Not by a Jedi...err...a hero.”

Scene #34: So you live to die another day

The Archangel is being bombarded by ZAFT.

“Why are they hitting us?” Murrue wept. “We only killed a few thousand of them and stuck our noses in their business and are a big threat to their homeland security.”

“Captain, Kira is asking to be sent out alone.” Mirallia stated.

“Oh how kind of Kira. He doesn't want anyone to get hurt.”

“Actually, he doesn't want anyone to steal the spotlight from him.”

Meanwhile, inside Freedom, Kira was kissing a mirror.

“Yeah, you sexy beast! If I was gay, I would screw myself in an instant.”

Bang! Bang!

“Huh? You dare interrupt my quality time with myself?”

Impulse arrives...after 30 minutes of posing and combining, it's ready for action.

“Right, Meyrin, start maneuver 'Usso Evin from Victory Gundam rip off!'”

“Roger! Sending the Green thing that's never used in Destiny.”

Shinn doesn't combine with the Green thing and attacks Kira.

“Meyrin! Send the Red pack!”

“Roger! Sending them as well!”

Imuplse de-combines...then combines again...rinse and repeat for another hour or so and you pretty much have this entire episode down...oh and he posed a few times too.

“Why can't I hit you?” Kira shouted.

“Serves you right for being so predictable, you ass!”

Shinn stuffs a giant buster into Freedom...the stupid suit finally got what's coming for it. The beam buster was TWO INCHES below Kira's ass...you can clearly see the beam beneath him, but Kira doesn't burn up.

To make it worse, the Freedom is cut into itty bitty pieces and ditched into the sea.

“Kira!” Murrue shouted.

“Don't worry, my sensors indicate that he only broke a tooth.”

Outside...

“I don't get it, Jortaro...Stellar had the beam saber away from her, her suit was in one piece and she still died. Her injury wasn't serious, in evidence that she was still able to talk to Shinn. Kira had a frigging' buster beam under his ass, buried at sea, yet the super roach didn't die?”

“Kira cannot die...there is still a bigger role he must fulfill.”

“Bringing universal peace?”

“Stealing the spotlight from Shinn Asuka.”

Scene #35: Star Platinum! The World! Time Stop!

Athrun threw a sissy fit and started slapping Shinn.

“You killed Kira! My one chance at true love is gone!”

“Oww! Can't you punch like a man, you fag!”

“Take that!”

“Much I enjoy this interesting discussion, girls, you must stop fighting.” Rey said. “The Chairman would like to see you.”

Chairman Dullindal introduces Shinn and Athrun to the two new mobile suits.

“Meet the newest mobile suits...Destiny and Legend.”

“Wow, a rehashed Providence and an over-the-top V2 Gundam...has Okawara just stopped trying?” Shinn opened his mouth.

“Allow me to explain,” Dullindal continued. “Providence has nothing new added to him, but Destiny has the Destiny Finger and the ability to use the Wings of Light...unfortunately, Tomino used the wings of light in Turn A Gundam and Victory Gundam...I mean, we've ripped off too many things already, so the wings of light will be a useless attack rather than the original plan.”

“What was the original plan?”

“The wings of light will bring the black history which would cause mankind to devolve and then evolve, making our history the predecessor to the Universal Century era! That was my destiny plan...but then I changed it a Matrix-thingy concept.”

Scene #36: Athrun defects...can I see a show of hands who didn't see that one coming?

Fearing for his miserable life, Athrun escapes...Meyrin helped by undressing, apparently sex is Fukada's answer to everything. In any case, bunch of stupid sequences and we find Destiny and Legend fighting a Gouf.

“You know, Norris in the 08th MS team kicked the tar out of FOUR Gundams using the Gouf.” Athrun noted.

“Which proves UC is about soldiers and CE is about pretty boys.” Meyrin sighed.

“Athrun! Why are you defecting?” Shinn shouted.

“Because it's the right thing to do. I have no reasonable explanation, but I'll just continue to say that I'm right and hope you listen.”

“Don't fall for it, Shinn.” Rey said. “He's evil! Use your hatred to strike him down!”

“Hmm...nope, can't hate him enough.” Shinn said.

“Think about it...he is the friend of the one who killed your family.”

“Hmm...not enough.”

“His friend killed your girlfriend!”

“Hmm...nope, not quite there.”

“His friend will take the focus of the series from you.”

“What! I'll kill him!”

We have another sequence of Destiny pulling a giant buster sword and slashing the Gouf to little pieces.

“And to make sure you die, take this as well!”

Destiny pulls a giant cannon and shoots the Gouf...it explodes in the sea.

Shinn and Rey go back home...a job well done.

Meanwhile, we see some idiots fishing Athrun out of the sea.

Intermission #5: Are you puking yet?

“Okay, this is ridiculous!” Ramza shouted. “First of all, where does Destiny hide those weapons? Does he bring that sword and cannon out of his ass?”

“The power of animation...just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there.”

“What's with Athrun surviving? Does Shinn have a bad aim or do Kira and Athrun have some sort of protective charm on them that negates being killed?”

“Both.”

Scene #37: A lost hope

Chairman Dullindal was sitting on a throne reminiscent to the Emperor's from Star Wars...he was even wearing the same cloak.

“Excellent, my pupil...from now on, you shall be known as Darth Shinn.”

“My master...where is Stellar? Is she alive? Is she safe?”

“I'm afraid in your stupidity, you actually killed her.”

“What? N-no, she was dead when I dropped her into the lake!” Shinn dramatically lifts his arms. “Noooooooooooooooooo!”

Intermission #6: Back to Bandai

“Good news, husband!” Chiaki told Fukada. “We have received a positive letter!”

“From who?” Fukada asked. “From Yoshiyuki Tomino?”

“No, from Masahashi Ikeda, the Director of Gundam Wing...he wants to thank you.”

“For what?”

“For creating a Gundam series so bad, Gundam Wing is starting to look like friggin' Shakespeare.”

Scene #38: Zettai Gattai

Kira launched into space using some weird GPO3 contraption.

“Lacus! I have come to the rescue!”

“Like that's a surprise, you've only done it...300 times already.”

Surprisingly, Strike Gundam is doing badly against these ZAFT.

“Wh-what? No, I cannot be defeated!” Kira shouted. “I am invincible!”

The face of Lacus appears.

“Oh, don't worry, Kira. I've built you a new Gundam. Come into the ship and get it.”

Kira gets the new Gundam, which looks exactly like the old Freedom Gundam (Trust me, a few golden lines do not count for a big change)

“Meet the New Strike-Knight-Godfrey-Ventura-Hoolahoop-Freedom...but you can call it Strike Freedom for short.”

“The sad thing is that Mitsuo Fukada never knew what to call this MS until the last second...” Lacus told Andrewyo.

“You know, for a guy that likes to enforce peace, Kira sure packs a lot of fire power.” Andrewyo replied.

Meanwhile, in the enemy fleet.

“Sir! We have a new rehashed mobile suit design thingie attacking us!”

“What? He destroyed (insert number) mobile suits in (insert number) seconds...waaaaaaaaaaait a minute! That exact line was said in the original Gundam! I can't believe my last moments are spent copying something out of--”

The ship exploded and the captain died...but you don't care, do you?

Scene #39: Special technique! Triplication of Three returns to one!

The Minerva is attacking another fleet...by this time, we realized that Gundam SEED Destiny is basically “Send the Minerva to blow stuff up every week”

“Die! Die! Die!” Shinn shouted.

The Archangel makes an appearance.

“What do we do? We have no mobile suits to fight with.” Murrue said.

“We have Cagalli, but all she does is whine and cry in the sky.” Mirallia replied.

“What about Athrun?”

“Still moping in his room, confused which side to fight for.”

“Again? He's been doing that for the last 40 episodes.”

“I know...he's trying to go for the record.”

Destiny appears over them.

“Nyahahaahah! Die!”

Meanwhile outside.

Ramza and Jortaro were counting.

“Wait for it...” they both said it. “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaait for it.”

Bang! Bang!

Strike Freedom appears.

“Hoooraaay!” they both cheered. “The super bastard never fails to disappoint!”

Scene #40: Super technique! Triplication of Three returns to none!

“Athrun, I want you to have the Infinite Justice.” Lacus told Athrun.

“What's so infinite about it?”

“The endless cycle of repeating the same design. It looks exactly the same as the original Justice.”

“Okay, but I still don't know who to fight for...”

“Oh, Athrun...when wil you realize that I am the very personification of all that is good and just? I rule this universe, so I am justified to anything I do, even if it causes the deaths of thousands.”

“Fair enough.”

Scene #41: Where on earth is Carmine Sandiego...I mean, Lord Djibril?

Shinn, Lunamaria and Rey were fighting against 50 Psycho Gundams.

“Oh shit!” Lunamaria squealed. “We're doomed!”

“Don't worry, they're very weak now.” Shinn.

Shinn kills half of of the Psychos with just one blow.

“But that doesn't make sense.” Lunamaria replied. “When Stellar piloted the thing, it was unstoppable.”

“It's increase demand against decreasing resources.” Rey replied. “It's all economics.”

“Economics?”

“In the good old days, Universal Century had only TWO Gundams per series...that's why people feared Gundam, because there were so few of them. Because Gundams were rare, so they HAD to be powerful. Now in Gundam Wing and SEED, everyone has a Gundam...they can't be all tough, right? So naturally, the more Gundams there are, the weaker they become. It'd be like if everybody in Yu-Gi-Oh had the three ancient Egyptian Gods.”

“Your analogies are so disturbing...”

They kill the Psycho Gundam and so pathetically easy.

“Muahahahaah!” Sting laughed. “I have returned from the dead!”

“Die!” Shinn shouted, slashing him.

“Only to get a five second cameo.” he dies. “At least Mitsuo Fukada realized it's shameful for a Gundam pilot to die by a no-name pilot, so he resurrected me so you could kill me...urrrrk.”

Meanwhile, Lord Djibril was making a quick getaway.

“Lord Djibril, didn't you say that we weren't going to lose?” the commander asked.

“Yes, I still stand by my opinion.”

“Then why are you running away?”

“I'm not running away...I just want to see the battle from above...you know...from space...where it's safe.”

Djibril boards a shuttle and hauls his ass away into space.

“Sigh...not again.” Talia shook her head. “This game of finding Djibril in every episode is getting annoying...even Waldo wasn't this hard to find.”

“And certainly not as annoying.” Arthur added.

Scene #42: This Akatsuki Gundam is just for show

Cagalli was being held down like the rabid dog she is.

“Let me go! I must protect Orb!” she shouted.

“Inside a Core Fighter plane? Forget it! That's suicide, considering your crappy piloting skills.”

“I tell you to let me go!”

“Don't worry, mistress.” a lackey said. “We have a new Gundam for you.”

They show her a golden Gundam.

“Who built this?”

“Your father.”

“Why didn't he use it in the original war? Why didn't he make use of it? Why give it to me now?”

“What can I say? Your father was an idiot.”

Meanwhile, outside the viewing screen..

“Oh no...” Jortaro shook his head. “Not the Hyaku-shiki...”

“Ooooh, Hyaku-shiki booooooy.” Ramza sang sadly. “The pipes...the pipes are caaalling...the summer is gone and all the roses faaalling...”

Scene #43: Payback's a bitch...named Cagalli

Orb gets invaded (yes, again) Jona bawks like a chicken and the Minerva shoots more stuff.

“Hey, that golden suit is so annoying...” Shinn thought. “I think I'm gonna kill it.”

Destiny goes to Akatsuki.

“Destiny Finger!”

“Oh no, I'm gonna die!” Cagalli looked scared.

Meanwhile...

“Snooooooooooore...” Ramza had a big bubble coming out of his nose.

“Wasup, bitches!” Triumph peered his head from behind the couch. “I'm back...what's up with him? Isn't he excited that Cagalli will die?”

“Nah, he already knows how it's gonna go.” Jortaro replied.

Back to the action...

“Oh no, I'm gonna die!” Cagalli looked scared.

“Not if I can help it!”

Kira appears, blocking the finger move.

“Not again...” sighed Shinn. “Don't you get tired of this?”

“Don't hate me because I'm immortal, cool, sexy, handsome, invincible with a perfect girlfriend and a haircut like...yeah, I'm starting to hate me too...”

Meanwhile...

“Jona, I'm gonna leave you here to get Cagalli''s punishment.” Djibril told Jona.

“What kind of plan is that?”

“It's just like Confucius said...He who flees and runs away, lives to flee another day.” Djibril said while he ran.

“Well, I guess I'll just sit here and--” Jona looked up and saw a Gouf falling him. “Nooooooooo!”

SPLAT!

Back at the Minerva.

“Captain, Djibril ran away...again.”

“Tell me something I don't know...”

Scene #44: Ctrl+Alt+Dlt Doomsday weapon

Djibril was inside another super weapon.

“Fire the laser!”

The laser goes and hits some random city (Nashville, maybe?)

Dullindal looked unsurprised.

“That Djibril took a lot longer than I expected to carry out the plan...err...I mean, oohhh boohooo! My heart goes to the poor souls of that city.”

Djibril's face appears.

“Citizens of earth! I hold you all hostage under my thumb! I shall destroy every country, every hour within the hour if you don't pay me...ONE MILLION BILLION GILLION TRILLION DOLLARS...and a large pizza, meat delight, extra large, hold the sauce and don't overdo it with the mushrooms.”

“I think we can pay you the money.” Dullindal nodded. “But I'm afraid we ran out of pizza.”

“What! I can clearly see YOU eating some pizza.”

Dullindal happily chewed on a slice of pizza.

“Oh? This old thing? It's just the last slice left in existence.”

“DON'T EAT IT!”

He eats it anyway...

“Noooo! What have you done! Damn! Damn you all! You frigging maniac! You went ahead and did it, nooooooooooo!”

Djibril's face disappears as the commander approaches Dullindal.

“What will we do, sir?”

“Here's a thought...why don't we send the Minerva to destroy them.”

“Would that work?”

“I hope so, we've been doing it for the entire series.”

Scene #45: We are the stars and no one can take that away from us

“Right crew!” Talia called. “We have an entire episode dedicated to ourselves without interferences from the damn Archangel! Let's not botch this one up and we can go home like heroes. If you have any important storylines to do, perform them now so we can get them out of the way.”

“Shinn...” Lunamaria said. “I...I think I'm in love with you.”

“Aren't you...like...two years older than me?”

“Don't you like older girls?”

“Isn't this some sort of twisted warped love, trying to snag me after Athrun blew you off?”

“Shinn...I think there's something wrong with you.”

“That's an understatement,” Shinn nodded. “But why do you say that?”

“Because a girl is asking you to bonk her and you're not affected...whether you're determined to avenge your family or not, something HAS to be wrong with you!”

Rey comes in and hugs Shinn.

“Hey, lover boy.”

“...Oh, now I get it...it makes perfect sense.” Lunamaria nodded.

And so forth, the idiots rushed to their doom...well, it wasn't that desperate of a battle. Shinn killed some more people, Lunamaria did well and Rey went after Djibril.

“Well, Djibril, it looks like I've finally found Waldo!” Rey laughed. “I could never find Waldo in the books and people laughed at me! Who's laughing now, suckers! Who's laughing now!”

“Wait! Wait! Perhaps we can talk about this!”

Too late, the Guilty Lowe ship is destroyed.

Scene #46: It is inevitable, Mr. Anderson...

With the success of operation “Find Waldo and kick his ass”, Dullindal announces his Destiny plan.

“Citizens of Earth! I propose the Destiny plan! With this, everyone will be able to pilot a Gundam! Every teenage girl will be able to sing like Lacus! Every one can go into SEED mode and we can all communicate telepathically! It'll be like the Denton Brothers ending in the video game 'Deus Ex 2: Invisible War!”

Meanwhile, aboard the Eternal.

“He is a madman!” Lacus puffed her cheeks. “And he must be stopped!”

“But why? He's proposing eternal peace for all.”

“I get that! But I cannot allow people to become perfect! If there's peace, then I won't be able to step in and become a heroine! If everyone can sing, no one will want me to sing! I'll be out of job! We must kill Dullindal for proposing such a thing.”

“Petty bitch, isn't she?” Andrewyo shook his head.

Intermission #7: With evil there's no good, so it must be good to be evil

“Let me get this right...” Ramza arched an eyebrow. “Lacus says it's okay to fight?”

“Just when you think you understand her, she becomes like a yo-yo...”

“But you have to wonder if Dullindal's plan works...” Triumph wondered. “Would we see Kira performing some Matrix shit?”

“Auel did that in the first episode.”

“Okay...forget I said anything.”

Scene #47: Quoth the Raven...Nevermore

Lacus recieves a letter from Meer.

“Wow...it looks really complicated to read.” Lacus gasped.

“I'm going to killed?” Andrewyo said angrily. “I'm going to killed? I'M GOING TO KILLED! I'M GOING TO KILLED!”

“What's wrong?” Kira asked.

“Read this letter!” Andrewyo said.

Kira read.

“I'm going to killed”

“Who's going to kill who?” Kira wondered. “Athrun take a look at this.”

“Hmm...it looks like somebody is saying she's...being killed as she wrote this.”

“It's a message from Meer.” Andrewyo said. “Apparently she's going to be killed.

“My god, I can't believe the Chairman!” Athruns shouted. “Meer is the perfect replica for Lacus...even their IQ is the same!”

“I wonder who's trying to kill Meer...” Kira said.

“And I wonder why Mitsuo Fukada couldn't hire English writers...”

They go to an abandoned theater and meet Meer...

“Lacus Clyne! You must die!” Meer shouted, as she unleashed a Xena-like cry.

Meanwhile, on a rooftop, a sniper lady was going to shoot...

“Damn...our plan went too well...I can't tell who's the real Lacus Clyne...oh well, I'll just kill the crazier one.”

Bang!

“Gurk!” Meer falls down.

“Meeer!” Lacus wailed.

Athrun jumped into the air and did a couple of flips before he shot the assassin.

“Great...” Ramza said sarcastically. “Instead of inept assassins being killed by Andy, this time we have inept assassins being killed by Athrun.”

“That reminds me,” Jortaro said. “Back in SEED, Athrun also killed some inept assassins inside a theater.”

Meer lay in Lacus's arms, dying...

“La...Lac..uss...sama...”

“Yes?”

“Co...come...closer...”

Lacus reared her ugly head closer to Meer.

“Yes, what is it?”

“...PFTOOO!”

Meer spat in Lacus's eye.

“Aaaaaaaaaarggghh!”

“Totally worth it.” Meer smiled before dying.

Scene #48: Santa, you're about as funny as a train wreck

Being a vain egotistical woman, Lacus launched an attack on the so-called bad guys.

“Why are you fighting to protect this thing!” Neo shouted. “We are the heroes!”

“Oh yeah, where were you when Djibril killed millions of innocent people!”

“Don't blame me, blame Lacus...she thinks Dullindal's Destiny plan is more dangerous than a psycho-maniac with ultimate weapons of destruction.”

Back at the Eternal...

“How do you want to do this, Lacus?” Andrewyo asked Lacus.

“I have the perfect plan! We let Kira and Athrun destroy stuff in their METEORS until they get to the doomsday weapon! Also, to cut expenses, we're going to use rehashed footage.”

“Won't SEED fans notice?”

“No, in the original SEED we were counting on the fact that none of them saw the original Gundam...in Destiny, we're counting on the fact that none of them ever saw SEED.”

Somewhere else...

“My god, Athrun is killing our fellow soldiers!” Yzak reeled in horror.

“Huh? What? I'm sorry, are we on yet? I don't think we even exist in this anime...” Dearka stated weakly.

“Shut up! Let's follow Athrun's example.”

“Yeah, let's defect.”

So the two defected...and became one happy family. Later on, they got married in Vegas, but that's another story.

Scene #49: Zeta Gundam rules, biz-nitches!

The Archangel is destroying stuff and claiming they're the good guys. Athrun and Kira are killing everybody.

“Kira!” Rey shouted. “I am...Raww La Klueze!”

“Oh, I am so shocked...look, my upper lip is almost curling up.”

“Shut up! Fight me!”

We see Kira's unit has a cursor above it. The cursor moves Kira to Rey and the words 'Convince command' appears on the menu.

“Blah! Blah! Blah! Love and peace! Blah! Blah! Blah! Propaganda bullshit! Blah! Blah! Blah!”

“Oh no, he's using the convince command on me...I am...powerless...” Rey whimpered.

“Blah! Blah! Blah! Vote Kira for president! Blah! Blah! Blah!”

“Your ridiculous existential bullshit talk have made me see the light...and I wish to repent.”

Meanwhile...

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Shinn cried. “You bastards stole the series from me! I don't get any screen time!”

“Shut up, Shinn or I will slap you!”

Lunamaria appeared.

“You never come and see the baby, you rat!”

“Lunamaria! Please! I can explain everything!”

Shinn kicks Lunamaria away and fights Athrun.

“Hadoken!” Shinn shouted.

“Shut up! Up yours.”

Shinn gets defeated (and can I mention how easily) by Athrun.

“That's weird...” Shinn weird. “It seems whenever Athrun or Kira are around, I always lose my piloting skills...”

Destiny falls and everybody forgot about Shinn...poor bastard.

Meanwhile...

“Fire the laser!” Talia shouted.

The Taunhauser fires at the Archangel.

“Evasive maneuvers!” Murrue shouted. “For the love of George, evasive maneuvers!”

“Tun ta ta ta!” Neo appears and blocks the laser. “I told you I'd be bahk!”

“Neo!” Murrue smiled.

Neo gets a ONE SECOND flashback about Rau La Creuset fragging his ass...

“Neo...I'm not Neo...I am” Neo poses. “MWU-LA-FRAG-MY-ASS!”

Meanwhile, Ramza was puking buckets of vomit...

Scene #50: Char Aznable...iiyeh...Casval Zum Deikun! HIKARI-NI-NARI!

The entire battle was nothing but a restocked footage from the original SEED. After a while, Kira made his way into the throne room.

“So, at last, you have come at the turn of the tide.” Dullindal said. “Kira Yamato.”

“Chairman! Your plans will not succeed!”

“But why would you stop me? I'm proposing world peace!”

“People have the right to choose! We don't want to become good people! We want to be rapists, serial killers and murders because WE CHOSE TO!”

“Again with your existential bullshit...” Dullindal snorted. “Let's settle this!”

They both ignited their light sabers.

“I see your schwartz is as big as mine.” laughed Dullindal.

“I've been waiting, Dullindal! When you left, I was a crybaby...but now, I am the bad ass red comet!”

“You wish!”

BANG!

Dullindal falls, bullet wound in his chest.

“Rey...why...why did you kill me?”

Rey cries his eyes out like an idiot.

“Sorry, Gilbert...but the episode is almost over, so I don't have enough time to explain this ridiculous unexpected turn of events!”

“I...see...” Gilbert looks up. “No...wait...I don't get it...screw you, bitch!”

Talia comes in and hugs Dullindal.

“Kira, tell Murrue to visit my son...with her big breasts, she's gonna raise him just fine.” she said.

“Wait! Wait...isn't it selfish to leave your son alone?”

“Sorry, but I am Gilbert's bitch...and I must accompany him wherever he goes.”

“Whatever, I'm outta here.”

Kira leaves and flies away as the flames kill Rey, Dullindal and Talia.

“Gee, what an original ending.” Kira wondered. “In the original SEED, Athrun and I destroy a giant superweapons using our METEORS...in Destiny, we use our METEORS to destroy a giant superweapon...that's it, get my friggin' agent on the phone!”

ROLL CREDITS.

Meet the viewers

Ramza and Jortaro were speechless.

“Oh...my...god...” Ramza was shocked.

“It was even worse than SEED! I didn't think that was possible!”

“I'm going to sniff an entire warehouse full of glue, hoping I would be able to kill enough brain cells to help me forget this mess.”

“Whatever, bitches...” Triumph snorted. “Now, I'm off to Japan on some business.”

Not over yet

“Gundam SEED Destiny is over!” Mitsuo Fukada exclaimed. “Now let's start with the THIRD Gundam SEED set for the late 2006!”

“Hooray!”

A package delivery man came up to Fukada.

“Excuse me...I have a package for a Fukada, Mitsuo.”

“Right here.”

Fukada opens the package to find Triumph.

“Wasup, bitch!”

“Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

Triumph overpowers Fukada and proceeds violating Fukada's butt...

Screen fades to black as Fukada cries his eyes out.

Author's notes:

I just want to say...Gundam Wing fans! Rejoice! Gundam Wing is no longer a horrific Gundam in my opinion. Destiny has set the bar so low, I actually elevated Wing from awful to plain bad.

Also I didn't think I'd be able to create a story that surpasses the original SEED Condensed. Sure, this was a lot more evil and vile...but if you didn't like it...so what?