Disclaimer: This is a spin-off from Camilla Sandman’s OFUM, all credit goes to her and I do not, under any circumstances, own Naruto.

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There is a place. It is located somewhere extremely cold, so with no tanned beauties around, it‘s not the most popular tourist attraction. Most of this place is covered by thick forest, but in the midst of it, a town thrives. In addition, a couple of supermarkets.

This is completely unimportant and irrelevant to whom we’re focusing on, since she doesn’t get out much. This particular tale is about an over-weight, anti-social seventeen year-old, and the day she was hit by a truck and ended up in Middle-Earth.

…

Our deepest apologies; right pot, wrong kitchen. This is, in fact, a story about an over-weight, anti-social girl who attempted to pair up Gaara and Hanabi, and the consequences that followed.

…

Alice rubbed her eyes tiredly and glanced at the clock. Three A.M., great, she had classes at eight tomorrow. No hope in hell she couldsurvive on five hours sleep. Of course, she could always skip class. She was failing anyway, so another day would not matter…

However, she could at least post this chapter. It was the fifteenth chapter, and she was planning to write ten more. She quickly ran it through a spell check, only paying attention to half of the mistakes. She quickly uploaded the chapter and wrote a half-arsed title for it. Her regulars would love it, at any rate.

Alice quickly shut down the computer and stretched, wincing at the sound of her cracking muscles. She navigated her way through her room to her bed, planning on taking a short nap before attempting to get to class. Maybe she could take a power nap or –

Whatever alternative she was planning was never discovered, because when one’s computer explodes everything else becomes beside the point. Alice shrieked and threw herself across the room, quite a feat for a large woman who got no exercise whatsoever.

“Mother-lovin’…what just happened?” A livid voice demanded. It came from the burning, smoking mess that had once been her computer.

“A slight miscalculation, it’s hard to plot-hole in a snowstorm,” a cheerful voice replied.

“Can we get back?” The firstvoice inquired, sounding slightly calmer.

“Yes, just as soon as we get to the girl,” the secondvoice answered, and a sudden silence fell over the room. Alice found herself trying to burrow into the carpet as footsteps grew closer, and a hand clapped onto her shoulder.

“’Ello, love,” a voice happily exclaimed inAlice's ear, and a pair ofstrong arms pulledher to her feet.

“This is…Sand-Fox9?” The second voice sneered. Alice made out two imposing figures standing in the rubble. One was holding a clipboard and muttering to herself, while the other had a death grip on her shoulders.

“Alice White, you’re charged with writing horrible fanfiction and, come to think of it, improbable and frankly stomach-turning slash,” the person holding her shoulders announced, and the second figure flicked on the light.

Alice found herself staring at a tall, pale woman wearing a comfortable garb and a very welcoming smile. The other woman fussed over her notes and pulled a scroll off her back. She tossed the scroll to Alice with a mulish grimace.

Alice gingerly took a seat on her ruined bed and unhooked the clasps on the scroll. Her eyes grew to disturbing proportions as she read aloud the contents.

“Miss Alice White, we have been long aware of your attempts at writing fanfiction, and now we have found you a place in the Official Fanfiction University for Naruto (ONFU; OFUN being too misleading even for the staff’s sense of humour). You will attend regular classes and mix with the canons of Naruto. We stress heavily on will.

Over time, you may pick up a few things and earn your licence to write fanfiction. Should you choose not to enrol in the university, you shall not receive your licence.

Should you enrol in another university, you shall not lose this licence; merely have it frozen until you leave said university. If you should attempt to write fanfiction without your licence or within the premises of another university, dire consequences will arise.

Sincerely,

Miss O

Alice glanced at the women and began laughing weakly.

“Casey and Marnie set you up to this, right?” Alice guessed, more concerned about the well-being of her computer then being kidnapped.

“No, we do not know Casey, nor Marnie, though if they’re on the list I’m sure we’ll meet them at some point,” the pale woman sighed.

“Miss, we have fifty-three more students to get through, can we please hurry this up?” the other woman asked irritably, and the first woman, now revealed as Miss O, smiled and nodded.

“Fill that out,” Miss O said, producing a pencil from one of the folds of her clothing. “Make it quick.”

“What the hell, it can’t get worse,” Alice muttered, making a half-arsed effort to fill out the form. Ten minutes later, she tossed the form back to the first woman and stood up.

“Now, if you ladies will excuse me, I need to report you to security,” Alice said mildly, and hurried towards the door.

“Not again,” Miss O groaned, and her hand lashed out and connected with the back of Alice’s neck. “Stupid bloody authors, thinking that acting like a bloodthirsty maniac or asmart-arse will get them anywhere.”

“It only leads to pain,” the other woman sighed sadly, and then Alice finally slipped into unconsciousness.

Miss O stared down at Alice for a moment, and then spoke up.

“I was just wondering if you had any idea how we’re going to get her back,” she said nonchalantly, and there was a slightly choked sound from her assistant.

“I think we should open a plot-hole beneath her,” Miss O decided, and her assistant looked worried.

“She might end up anywhere,” her assistant warned, and Miss O shrugged carelessly.

“If she’s lucky, she’ll end up in the kitchen,” she said with a snicker. Her assistant, after a bit of fiddling, opened a plot-hole beneath the poor woman. Alice dropped through just as sirens wailed in the distance.

“Talk about handy, eh?” the assistant remarked as she opened another plothole.

“Having the Powers That Be on your side is a bonus,” Miss O agreed, and they both hopped through, on to the next unfortunate writer.

In Nevada, Reno…

“’Ello, love.”

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Thank you to those who have bothered to stick around. I will be posting an enrolment form in my profile for those who wish to join the university. I will also be providing an e-mail address, and please do not enrol via review.

Thanks to my beta-reader, Cris.