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Disclaimer: I don’t own Naruto nor Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Poor me.
P.S.: To Rock Lee, I love you (not that way, though)… so I’m sorry… I’ve been a meanie to you… (Chibi cries like whoaz…) But I’m not gonna apologize to Sasuke, so there. (Chibi sticks tongue out at a glaring Sasuke)
The gay pedophile (collecting young pretty boys and young girls who look like young pretty boys practically proves this point) was feeling giddy, being so close to his goal… After all, it would only be a matter of time before he got the chance to abduct his choice for a vessel. An opening would surely appear, sooner or later… At least, that’s what he thought.
Hah, but we all know better; since we were enlightened by the all-knowing Itachi back in the second chapter of this fanfic.
Cough.
Anyway…
“Kabuto,” he called.
His loyal servant immediately snapped to attention.
“You know what to do.”
With that, he did what all evil antagonists trying to accomplish some debauched plan did: he left his devoted subordinate to do all the work while he went back to his lair to laugh evilly. And probably to touch up on the makeup. Such villains tend to be vain. Really. I mean, seriously, aren’t they all?
Kabuto, being the loyal dog that he was, summoned a scroll that contained his master’s favorite plans. He cricked a kink in his neck before opening the said scroll. It would take a lot of work to accomplish the task.
Well….
Except for the clothes. Even if he already did wonders on their client, the expanse of tight green spandex did more than just ruin the image. It. Just. Won’t. Work. Period.
Hmmm… Maybe I should have asked Chi-san to give me the purchased items before we set out for the hospital…
“Lee, we’re going to find Chi-san so—”
“You can change into your new clothes.”
Neji gritted his teeth in frustration. It was already established that the man had noteworthy skills (he didn’t even sense him, and he was an Anbu captain!); but did he have to cut off every sentence he makes so rudely?
As if hearing his thoughts, Chi-san turned to him and apologized for his rudeness.
Goddammit! There he goes again! How the hell is he doing it?
Giving him a condescending I-know-something-you-don’t smirk, the other nin handed the shopping bags to the fuming Hyuuga.
Knowing that he will not get answers (not that he’ll ask), Neji calmed himself and addressed his former teammate.
“You should change into these, but leave the shoes for later. They might get ruined on our way back.”
Rock Lee nodded and went to the hospital’s nearest restroom.
Chi-san turned to Neji, “I shall be taking my leave now. It seems I am needed elsewhere.”
With that, he disappeared in a wisp of smoke.
Neji set off after Lee, having nothing else to do at the moment.
Sasuke scowled at his grinning lover and stifled a sneeze. “Rock Lee’s tsunami.” As always, concise and efficient.
Realization dawned on Naruto. “Oh…” His grin stretched wider. “I wonder if he would teach me those freaky background jutsus of his… Oddly enough, Lee can’t use chakra, right? I wonder how he pulls them off…”
“Don’t even think about it, Dobe.”
“But think of all the possibilities!!! Of all the pranks begging to be planned and executed!!!” The blond waved his arms around wildly.
Sasuke’s skin turned a shade paler. He was fated never to forget that one time Naruto pranked him so bad he had nightmares about it for a month… and more…
Today was like any other. Sasuke stirred in his sleep; and no, he wasn’t making juice nor was he making coffee—that would be an amazing feat, even for him (he didn’t even know how to sleepwalk). He snuggled closer to the warmth beside him, opening his eyes slowly as his lover greeted him.
“Ohayo, Temee.”
There he was: expecting the warm, handsome smile he had been accustomed to… But instead came face to face with a pair of impossibly round eyes, a pair of caterpillar eyebrows and a set of abnormally white teeth. He froze. He couldn’t have been ready for such an assault to his fragile psyche.
“What’s wrong?” the thing asked him.
He was too morbidly transfixed at the sight of those thick eyebrows crawling on the face of who was supposed to be Naruto to react properly.
“I swear those things really are alive…” was the only thought his brain processed at the moment.
And then it suddenly clicked.
He was in bed. Check.
He just woke up. Check.
In the arms of Rock Lee. Check.
“……”
He promptly fainted.
“SASUKE!”
The Uchiha woke up, breathing hard, hand swiping off the cold sweat from his brow.
“It’s just a nightmare it’s just a nightmare it’s just a nightmare…” was the mantra in his head.
“It’s nothing… It’s just a nightmare, Dobe.”
He felt Naruto move closer. He turned his head to regard his lover, and met a sight so horrifying that both his mind and body shut down and entered a catatonic state.
It was a half-naked Rock Lee, whose face and puckered lips were inches away from his.
The last thing he saw was the wiggling of the colossal eyebrows before he succumbed to the darkness once again.
The blond had been worried sick that he’d gone overboard on his prank: that he had probably killed off his lover’s mind and scarred him for life, rendering him immobile and useless, thereby successfully ending the Uchiha’s career.
However, the number one prankster would be damned not to be proud of incapacitating a ninja of Sasuke’s caliber with just a minor genjutsu paired up with the most basic of henges performed twice over. The shock value more than made up for the simplicity of the said techniques. It would be too startling for one to notice the barely-there genjutsu, much less cancel it. It was pure and unadulterated genius.
Now that Sasuke really thought about it, that prank should be listed as a high-ranking kinjutsu: anybody would crumble under that psychological attack. It would strike fear in the hearts of many, and could be used as a means of torture—I mean, coaxing information out of the most uncooperative enemy nin. The Mangekyou Sharingan would probably be the only thing worse… or would it? After that experience, he wasn’t sure anymore. He admired Naruto’s sheer brilliance, but let’s just say that he would’ve appreciated it better if he hadn’t been the one on the receiving end.
Naruto, just now noticing his partner’s pallid face, creased his brows worriedly.
“I was just joking, Sasuke. I won’t do that ever again,” he said, sounding remorseful. He had correctly guessed where the other’s thoughts were going. “At least, not to you…” he added with a grin.
“I know.”
Taking deep calming breaths, Sasuke slowly regained his color, though it wasn’t that significant since he didn’t have much to begin with. He squeezed the hand he didn’t realize he was holding.
Naruto smiled tentatively. “I—”
A loud crash interrupted the blond. The lovers looked at each other.
Well.
That ruined the moment.
He accidentally knocked over his coffee, causing the liquid to stain a scroll of sealing. When he saw exactly which scroll was ruined, he only had time to widen his eyes and roll out of the way as a huge-ass pillar came out tilted instead of shooting straight up. And naturally, it didn’t stay tilted for long.
When the dust cleared up, Kabuto assessed the damages and was relieved to find that nothing else was amiss. A few hand seals later, the pillar was where it was supposed to be. He smiled at his work. He was finally done! He turned to his side, expecting his master to appear at that very moment.
“How would he know that?” the readers might ask.
And I would have to say, “No, Kabuto is not gonna be all-knowing. No, Itachi’s not being recasted into another role. No, we’re not replacing him,” and “No, Kabuto and Orochimaru do not have telepathic powers.”
It was simple, really. There was a gay-sounding ‘poof’ (how a poof can sound gay, only Itachi would know) and purple smoke to boot (Get your custom-colored chakra smoke at Chibi-onna’s Specialty Shop! 10 percent discount until the end of this year! Shop now! Chibi-onna’s Specialty Shop: we sell anything and everything. You’ll be surprised.). And so Orochimaru, the Snake Sannin made his appearance, in all his glory… and freshly-applied makeup (which is, of course, under all that henge).
“Kukukuku… Perfect, Kabuto…”
Kabuto just smiled and accepted the usual praise. He couldn’t afford to be less than perfect with such a master, after all.
Orochimaru looked around him approvingly. The interior design was just flawless, divine and intricate!!! It was the mother of all designs! It was the masterpiece from which masterpieces were made of! It was the epitome of beauty, the prelude to creation, a gift from the gods! It was—
“…shit?”
Orochimaru turned to the newcomer.
“I beg your pardon?” Surely, he must have heard wrong.
Annoyed at the ruined moment with his lover, Naruto repeated irately, “I said, what the fuck is this shit!”
Orochimaru narrowed his eyes at the blond.
He did not just say that.
“You call this crap interior design?”
He did NOT just say that.
“Seriously, I hired you because I trust Iruka-sensei, but I never thought you’d be this bad! I mean, who do you think you are, Orochimaru or something?”
“YES I DO, YOU INSUFFERABLE BRAT!!!!”
Orochimaru finally snapped and dropped the illusion, revealing narrowed eyes and several veins popping out on his forehead.
Kabuto gasped and quickly held up a mirror to his master. Horrified at his ghastly appearance, the Snake Sannin immediately schooled his expression to that of elegant annoyance (i.e. without the vein pops). Surely, he practiced in front of the mirror everyday for him to acquire such mastery over the art of controlling one’s facial muscles to that degree.
“I’ll have you know, brat, that this crap you speak of…” he gestured to the magnificent purple pillars with golden snakes spiraling upwards, the rows of shelves filled with an assortment of bottled organs soaked in formalin, the cold damp rocks that encased the living room and the lavish gay-looking throne in the middle of it all.
“…is one of the best in the world! Nothing can even compare to the stark beauty it possesses! The excellent ambiance! The—”
“It’s a copy of one of your disgusting laboratories,” Naruto cut him off, “and as such, it’s ugly. Got it, Snake-face? UGLY. Who would want creepy body parts in their living room? It’s not even Halloween! Honestly, you are not fit to design. Amateur.” The blond sneered at the flabbergasted Orochimaru who was too affronted to even make a comeback.
Perhaps to save face, the insulted gay pedophile did the facial control thing again, and by the looks of it, I only have one advice to the children of the world: “Run! Run like the wind!” He turned his gaze on the Uchiha and in a sickeningly flirtatious voice, he addressed Sasuke.
“I think it’s high time that you return to Oto with me, Sssasssssuke-kun…” he licked his lips with that obscenely long tongue.
“Ewwww….” Naruto said, disgustedly swiping off the spittle sprayed on him by the Snake Sannin from the steady stream of ‘s’s from Sasuke’s name.
Wow. Such a stunning sentence sprinkled with alliteration…
Okay, stopping now.
Moving on…
“You do realize that I came back here of my own accord, don’t you? I have no intention of going back there. Especially now.” He glanced at his lover conveying his true feelings through his eyes.
Eternally the spectator for this scene, Kabuto was unable to do anything but gag and watch as an anthill sprouted in the living room, the little insects heading straight for the couple. Talk about being sickeningly sweet. Then, as if it were an automatic action, he reached for a can of bug spray and committed mass murder.
Elsewhere, the Aburame clan grieved the loss of their creepy crawly friends.
“There’s your answer,” Naruto said, looking smug while ignoring Kabuto’s fumigation, “Just get the fuck out of here and never come back, Hebi-temee! Unless you wanna die that badly…” he took a fighting stance.
Insulted beyond belief, Orochimaru was just about to summon snakes when he suddenly found himself tied to a cross in a blood red world. His eyes widened. It could only mean that—
“For the next 345 minutes, you will be tied up there while I draw ridiculous things on your face using a kunai.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”
Orochimaru collapsed just as Kabuto finished his bug-killing spree.
“Orochimaru-sama!” he caught the Sannin. He faced the others. “This isn’t over,” he read from one of the idiot boards. Honestly, for all his smarts, Kabuto couldn’t even memorize all of his lines. He then promptly used shunshin to get away.
Everyone else blinked. “What just happened?”
Itachi turned to the others, “I think he was having a migraine.”
The others were still puzzled, but they wouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. It was fortunate that they didn’t have to fight (destroying Lee’s home along the way), and didn’t question the shady explanation of the henge-d Uchiha.
Naruto locked eyes with Itachi, silently thanking him. Itachi just smirked and barely noticeably nodded back.
“Oh no!!!! What do we do with the interior design? We can’t leave it looking like this!!! And the deadline is fast approaching!“ Naruto was frantic with worry.
Knowing how close the blond was to running around like a headless chicken, Itachi spoke up, “There’s no need to worry. I already made back-up plans. We only have to clean up this mess,” he gestured to the gruesome purple monstrosity.
The ninjas finished fast, with the aide of a few dozen kage bunshin. Curious, everyone (yes, everyone: including the kage bunshin) asked Chi-san what the back-up plan was. He just smirked and turned around, gesturing for them to follow. He led them to the backyard.
The ninjas gasped at the sight. The once barren training ground now flourished with freshly cut Bermuda grass, the once solitary tree now accompanied by another, forming an alcove in one corner of the yard. Under the touching branches of the trees was a small table covered with a plain white table cloth. On it, dinner plates, wine glasses and utensils set for two, and a translucent bowl of water in the middle with soft sakura petals and little pink flower-shaped candles floating about.
“Wow…” Naruto breathed, “This is just… wow…”
Itachi scoffed. As if he would be capable of doing anything less than perfect.
“That’s not all, though,” Itachi said, unable to restrain himself, “Since the date was set for dinner, I put up some lights up in the trees. Wait until after sunset so we can see it.”
And so they waited for the sun to set. It was a tad boring, though. But when it finally did, Itachi and flipped a switch.
Small bulbs of different colors came to life, spread under the canopy of leaves. Looking up, it would be as if you were staring up into a star-filled sky. It was utterly romantic. Itachi proceeded to light the candles on the centerpiece. He then turned to the stunned blond army and his brother.
“And to add to the ambiance, I have these.” Itachi held up a green glowing bottle.
Everyone was puzzled for a moment. Was that alien blood or something?
Knowing what the others were thinking, Itachi almost face-faulted.
“No, it’s not alien blood. I’ll be releasing these fireflies when the time is right.”
Dispelling the crowd of kage bunshin, Naruto came over and patted Itachi on the shoulder.
“It seems I made the right choice in recruiting you.” He grinned.
“Hn.”
“Anyway, I’ll go pick Sakura up. She should be ready by now. Temee, stay here with, uh, Chi-san and wait for Neji and Lee. I’ll be back in a few.” And off he went.
“So, are you ready yet?” a voice came from her left, in the direction of her now open window.
“Naruto, you do know what doors are for, right?” She raised an elegant pink brow.
Naruto crossed his arms in front of him and pouted.
“But that’s so uncool, Sakura-chan! You’re a kunoichi! You should know how it feels!!”
Sakura rolled her eyes, but smiled anyway. The annoying dobe from their academy days was now a great ninja, one of the best in the world. And probably the next Hokage at that. He was a nice person, an amazing friend. She was happy that she has put the past behind her.
She used to resent him on colossal levels, back when the news of him getting together with Sasuke was fresh out of the gossip hotlines (how else would she and Ino be updated on everything?). She had ample reason to: after all, she’s loved the avenger all her life. Well, at least she thought so. But now that she’s had time to deal with it, she realized that a relationship between the broody Uchiha and herself would never work. Besides, the idea of producing brooding chibis and little stalkers with him made her cringe. Besides, the raven-head was gay. She never had a chance to begin with, unless of course she’s been hiding a dick all along. And now that she’s stopped stalking him, Sasuke had been more amicable. It was nice to have them both as best friends, especially after everything that’s happened.
With regards to love life, for her it was non-existent. She immersed herself in her work, doing shifts at the hospital, training with Tsunade, going to missions, etc. Well, Lee always asked her out, but for the life of her, she just couldn’t say yes. She didn’t want to be a judgmental bitch, and she knows that Lee’s a good guy who knew how to treat a girl right, but she was just really grossly reminded of Maito Gai whenever she saw the look-alike. She cringed at the thought. It was just too freaky.
“So, who’s my blind date?” she asked.
The blond smirked conspiringly. “That’s for me to know and for you to find out, sweetheart.” He winked, blindfolding her afterwards
“Naruto, you idiot! How am I supposed to get there—whoa!!!”
Okay, stupid question. There’s always shunshin, after all.
Finally, the blindfold was removed. She slowly opened her eyes.
A charming smile. An attractive face.
“Hello, Sakura-san.”
As usual, I have already replied to my reviewers individually, at least all the signed reviews (due to the new regulations of ffnet regarding replies to reviewers…). As for the unsigned reviews:
chibi okama : I miss you! I’m sorry for not being in touch so much though. My thesis really is eating my soul. Chibi cries.
Little Queen of Neptune : Yeah…. Chibi grins evilly.
ISC: Thanks for the review! Chibi glomps ISC. I hope you liked this chapter!
anonymous: Thank you! I’m glad you liked it! I’m sorry for updating just now, though.. I hope you liked the update!