Chapter 5: “Diehard for Divas”

CatDog’s car pulled up across the street from Swankers in downtown Nearburg. Cat looked up and down the street. Very few cars were parked nearby, and among those few was a telltale black limousine.

Cat nudged Dog with his elbow. “Dog, look! That’s got to be Tunya’s limo!”

He checked his wristwatch. “It’s 6:00. That pre-show couldn’t have started yet… it’s too early.”

“I just hope we’re not too late!” said Dog.

“Here’s hoping,” said Cat, crossing his fingers.

“But how do we get inside?” asked Dog.

“Don’t worry, brother of mine. I’ve already calculated a foolproof plan. Just follow my lead… and I’ll be within mere inches of Tunya Felina before we know it! Ooh, this is going to be great!” said Cat excitedly.

He unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the car door. “Come along, Dog! We have a mission to accomplish!” he declared.

It was Dog’s turn to be excited. “A mission? You mean like a secret mission, like those super secret agents on TV who go on super secret mission-type things!”

Cat sighed. “Yes, Dog. Just like on TV.”

“Then hi-ho-diggety, let’s go!” cried Dog.

Cat let out a yelp as Dog leaped out of the car and onto the pavement, jerking Cat along as he did so. Fortunately, Cat landed on his feet—as his species was known to do.

“Dog, be careful! I don’t want to be injured when I see Tunya. What would she think if she saw me battered and bruised?”

Dog frowned. “Sorry, Cat.”

Cat pulled out a hand mirror and quickly inspected himself. “I don’t want so much as a hair to be out of place when she makes her first impression of me.”

He paused. “Do I have anything in my teeth?” he asked Dog.

Dog looked. “Nope, you’re good.”

Cat sighed with relief. “Good. Then let’s proceed with the plan, shall we?”

He popped open the car trunk and pulled out a familiar-looking cloth suit.

“Oh, no… not the suit again!” groaned Dog

“Dog, please! It’s the only way!”

Dog sighed. “Okay, okay…”

The canine reluctantly wriggled into the suit so that his entire half of their body was covered. Cat now looked like, for the most part, a perfectly normal cat, tail and all.

“You won’t have to wear it for long, I promise,” Cat assured his brother. “Just until we reach Tunya.”

Cat reached into the trunk again and pulled out a pair of white overalls, a white cap, and a green shirt. He put on the shirt and hat, and then pulled on the overalls over “the suit.” He took out a fake mustache from the pocket of the overalls and affixed it beneath his nose. Finally, he reached into the trunk a third time and pulled out a bouquet of a dozen red roses, which he cradled under his arm. After slamming the trunk shut, he whistled a happy tune as he crossed the street over to Swankers.

Cat pushed past the glass door and tried to remain inconspicuous as he ogled the fancy decorating of the restaurant. He had been to Swankers a couple of times before, but he never could get over how classy it looked—it practically oozed with money. He was so absorbed by these posh surroundings that he accidentally bumped into an important-looking man in a tuxedo.

“Excuse me, but what are you doing in here? This restaurant has been rented out by the official Tunya Felina fan club for the evening,” said the man.

Cat kept his cool and put on his best Italian accent. “Ah, this is-a flower delivery. I’ve come for to deliver this-a bunch of roses for the bellissima Tunya Felina, eh? Where might I-a find her?”

The man raised an eyebrow at Cat. “She’s in the restaurant’s dressing room for all our visiting performers. I’ll take those flowers to her for you, if you don’t mind.”

The man reached the flowers, catching Cat off guard. He moved the bouquet out of the man’s reach and laughed nervously.

“Signore, it is-a very kind of you for to be offering. But I am afraid that-a these flowers need to be delivered personally. You see, signore, these-a flowers are from a – how you say – secret admirer? I am-a to be serenading her with a love song picked by this-a admirer. If-a the song is not performed, I get no pay. Comprendere?”

Cat half-expected the man to see right through this lie, but instead the man smiled and chuckled. “Oh? So Miss Felina has an admirer? Well, there’s an interesting bit of gossip for our guests tonight. And when there’s gossip at our tables, the longer they’ll stay and order drinks! Very well, sir, you may continue with your delivery.”

He pointed across the room. “Go through that door and make a right at the end of the hall. There’s a sign right over the dressing room door; you can’t miss it.”

Cat removed his cap and made a sweeping bow. “Ah, grazie, signore!”

Just then, the fake mustache started slipping off on one side. Cat quickly placed his cap back on and made a movement like he was smoothing his mustache. With another nervous laugh, he made his way to Tunya’s dressing room, hugging the roses to his chest.

That was way too close, thought Cat. Next time I pull a stunt like this, I’m getting a better facial adhesive.

Cat walked across the room, through the door, and down the hallway, constantly looking about to see if anyone was following him. Fortunately, he was alone—aside from Dog, still hidden by their disguise. He made a right turn at the end of the hallway. This turn led to another hallway, and on the right wall was a wooden door with an engraved brass plaque that read “DRESSING ROOM” in large letters.

Cat smiled and stretched out his overalls to speak to Dog. “We made it! Now let’s go into the nearest broom closet and get out of these clothes!” he whispered.

“Thank goodness,” replied Dog’s muffled voice. “I’m starting to sweat in here!”

Cat stepped into a broom closet that was, conveniently enough, right across the hallway from the dressing room. He placed the bouquet of roses on a box and hurriedly stripped off the disguise. As soon as the cat suit was off, Dog took a big gasp of air and coughed a few times.

“Are you alright?” asked Cat.

“Yeah, I’m okay. It was just getting hard to breathe in there,” said Dog.

Cat bent over and picked up suit and clothes, rolled them into a ball and put them in the corner of the closet. “Here’s hoping we won’t need those again tonight.”

He scooped up the bouquet of roses and struck a pose. “How do I look, Dog? Is Tunya going to swoon when she sees me, or what?”

Dog looked up at his brother and raised an eyebrow. “I’m not sure. You still have your mustache on.”

“Oh… so I do. Uh, I meant to do that, really,” said Cat sheepishly. He removed the mustache and threw it at the pile of clothes. “Now, how do I look?”

“You look great, Cat! I don’t know what swooning is, but I bet Tunya will do plenty of it when she sees you!”

Cat smoothed back his head-fur. “That’s all I needed to hear. Come along, Dog.”

The brothers exited the closet and stepped up to the dressing room door. Cat sprayed liquid breath mint into his mouth before knocking on the door.

“Who is it?” said a woman’s voice.

Cat could barely contain his excitement. Even when she wasn’t singing, he could recognize that voice anywhere.

“Flowers for Tunya Felina!” he called in a sing-song voice.

At last, thought Cat. At long last, I get to see that beautiful woman in person!

“Just a minute,” came the reply.

For Cat, it seemed to take forever for the door to open. When it finally did, he could not believe what met his eyes. Standing before him was a beautiful female cat with orange fur, long blonde hair, and big blue eyes. She wore a pair of pink satin slippers, and a matching bathrobe that hugged her waist. A vanity mirror behind her cast a white aura of light that made her seem otherworldly.

Cat’s jaw dropped and nearly hit the floor. “T-t-tunya F-felina?”

“Yes?” she replied politely.

It is her… she’s even more beautiful than I thought she would be! She looks like an angel!

He swallowed hard. “Miss Felina… I’m… I’m… I’m… going to faint.”

With a sigh, his eyes closed, and he fell to the floor with a thud.

Meanwhile, in uptown Nearburg, a gathering of vast proportions was taking shape at the Greasers’ hideout. Ever since the previous afternoon, the Greasers had been recruiting members into the new Nearburg division of the Biscuit Canino fan club, and now the club was having its very first meeting. The topic of discussion?

“We’re gonna pound the living snot out of every last Tunya fan in Nearburg!” Cliff shouted from behind a makeshift podium.

A resounding cheer came from every member of the new club—including Mervis, who since the announcement of the concert had moved out of the apartment he shared with Dunglap, a Tunya Felina fan. The skinny pig was squished between the hundred or so other members who had crammed inside, wearing clothes that resembled Biscuit’s usual outfit. Many of the other members were dressed the same way, and those that weren’t had their favorite piece of Biscuit Canino merchandise with them.

Cliff stepped down from the podium and pointed to a diagram he and Shriek had sloppily drawn. “Now, look here. I’ve made a few phone calls about the seating arrangements for the concert, which, as you all know, is gonna take place in Nearburg Park’s Open Music Hall. All the Tunya fans’ll be sittin’ on the left-hand side…”

He pointed to a block of X’s marked on the diagram.

“… But we’ll be sittin’ on the right-hand side!”

He now pointed to a block of O’s on the diagram.

“Now here’s the plan. See this here rectangle above the X’s and O’s? That’s the stage. During the concert, the X’s – that’s us – will surround the O’s – the Tunya fans – in a discreet-like fashion. We’ll make this move every time a song ends, while our soon-to-be victims are too busy clappin’ or booin’ to notice. Then, when we’ve got all the Tunya fans at the concert completely surrounded…”

Cliff punched a fist into his palm. “WHAM! It’s poundin’ time!”

Another cheer arose, more loudly and riotous than before.

“Yeah, no more Tunya lovers!” someone shouted.

“Her music stinks and so do they!” yelled someone else.

“Yeah, let’s get rid of ‘em all!” Mervis called, raising a fist in the air.

Eddie the squirrel – who claimed to enjoy listening to Biscuit Canino’s songs as much as the next Greaser, and even used his teeth to tear up the poster of Tunya that Shriek used earlier for target practice – had been assigned to keep watch outside the Greasers’ hideout, in case a Tunya fan happened to walk by. (This also served to keep the hyperactive rodent from disrupting the meeting.) He was really getting into his role, pacing back and forth at the hideout’s entrance gate, chest puffed out and muttering “Hup, two, three, four!” under his breath.

Eddie suddenly paused when the sound of car brakes caught his attention. A red convertible had pulled up with two people inside: a big, brawny bulldog with an underbite, and a familiar-looking female dog in a blue baseball cap.

She slapped the bulldog on the shoulder. “Watch the car, okay, K.C.? I’ll try not to take too long.”

“You’re the boss, Miss Canino,” growled K.C.

Eddie’s eyes widened. “It’s—it’s Biscuit! It’s Biscuit Canino! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! I’ve gotta tell Cliff! But he told me to keep watch out here… oh, what do I do, what do I do!”

Biscuit jumped out of the car and onto the sidewalk. She brushed some stray auburn hair out of her face and casually strolled up to Eddie, who could only stare in shock, for once at a loss for words. She knelt before the little gray squirrel and gently shook his hand.

“Hey, how’s it goin’, kid? The name’s Biscuit Canino, you probably heard of me. Is this where my fan club’s meetin’ tonight?”

Eddie suddenly found his voice again as quickly as he had lost it. “Yeah, sure, Ms. Canino, this is the place alright! Boy oh boy, did you ever pick the best time to show up! They’re meeting right inside, right now, you betcha!”

“Yeah, I kinda heard rumors flyin’ around that they were meetin’ here tonight,” said Biscuit with a shrug. “I decided to show up and give ‘em a surprise, ya know?”

Hearing about Tunya’s little pre-show at Swanker’s didn’t hurt, either, she added mentally.

She stood up and shoved her hands into the pockets of her sweatpants. “So, you wanna show me in, kid?”

“Oh, sure thing, Miss Canino, sure thing!” said Eddie. “Just follow me!”

Eddie scampered ahead to the front door. “Cliff! Cliff!” he yelled. “You’re not gonna believe who’s here, Cliff!”

“Eddie, why aren’t you standing guard like we told you to!” Cliff yelled back.

Biscuit gave Eddie a half-smile. “I think I’ll let myself in, kid. Let me handle this one.”

She suddenly kicked the door open and strutted her way inside, putting on her best grin.

“Who’s your favorite doggy diva, baby!”

Screams of surprise and excitement erupted from all around.

“Oh. My. Gosh! It’s BISCUIT CANINO!” shrieked Shriek.

Lube stared, and his mouth dropped open. He even started to drool! “Duuuhhh…”

Cliff stared, too. He couldn’t believe that the Biscuit Canino was in here, in person, right before his very eyes. He almost regretted yelling at Eddie. Biscuit’s blue eyes seemed to paralyze Cliff right where he stood, and his heart started to beat very fast.

Sweet mother of all things good and pure… she’s even more beautiful in person! She’s one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever seen!

Little hearts started swirling around Cliff’s head, and he sighed dreamily. There was no doubt about it—he was in love!

Biscuit greeted her fans as she made her way to the center of the room, offering the occasional handshake and high-four. When she got to Mervis, she winked at him and said, “Hey, nice threads!” Mervis could only blush and giggle girlishly in response.

Finally, Biscuit noticed Cliff for the first time and gave him a firm handshake. “Hey, how you doin’? Are you the guy in charge of this meetin’?”

“Uh, uh, yeah! Sure am!” Cliff stuttered. He couldn’t believe what was happening was real—Biscuit Canino was in his place, talking to him, even making physical contact with him! He had to be dreaming…

“I hope I ain’t interruptin’ nothin’,” said Biscuit. “I just wanted to drop by and say hi to my fans, y’know?”

Cliff was about to reply, when Shriek pushed past him and started hopping up and down like a deranged pogo-stick.

“Biscuit Canino!” she cried. “I love you! I love your songs! I have all your albums! I listen to them all the time! I have a poster of you on my wall! I’M YOUR BIGGEST FAN!” she screamed.

Biscuit was taken aback by Shriek’s loudness, but was immensely flattered at the same time. “I appreciate the sentiment, short-stack,” she chuckled.

Shriek sighed in bliss. “She called me ‘short-stack...’ I will never despise that nickname again.”

Lube went up to Biscuit, looking as though he wanted to say something, but he could still only drool. “Duuuhhh…”

Biscuit kept smiling, but backed away nervously. “Uh, okay… nice to meet you, too, pal.”

Cliff pushed past both Shriek and Lube (knocking Lube to the floor in the process) and took Biscuit’s hand in both of his. “Miss Canino, it is indeed an honor and a pleasure to have you join us, your humble and ever-loyal fans.”

Biscuit gave a careless wave with her free hand. “Aw, heck. It ain’t nothin’ at all, really. Just wanted to see how psyched you all are about my upcomin’ concert!”

The fan club members cheered and applauded loudly in response.

“Well, if it’s okay with all of you, I’m gonna give you all a preview of what you’ll be seein’ next week. How’s about that?”

Cliff, Shriek, and Lube nearly wet themselves upon hearing this.

“You mean… you’re gonna perform a song, right now?” said Cliff.

“That would be GREAT!” cried Shriek.

“Duuuhhh… huh?” said Lube.

Biscuit laughed. “Hey, I’m a performer. It’s what I do, right? I love making my fans happy. So whaddya say, everyone? Wanna hear a song?”

“Yeah! Sing ‘My Doggone Baby,’” yelled Mervis.

“Yeah, sing it, sing it!” the others shouted.

“Okay, you got it! Anyone got a stereo?” asked Biscuit.

Cliff ran into the next room, and brought back a black boombox under one arm. “Here you go, Miss Canino!”

Biscuit pulled out an audio cassette from the pocket of her sweatpants. She popped it into the stereo’s tape player, and everyone fell completely silent.

As the music started, Biscuit started to slowly dance around what little space she had on the floor, and as she did so, she began to sing:

“Oh my doggone baby,

He's been so shady lately.

Givin’ me those puppy eyes,

Actin’ like he's all surprised.

With the accusations flyin’.

So I'm just bye-byin’.

See you later, boy.

I'm not your squeaky toy.

So chew on this, we’re through.

I am so done with you.

Life’s rough, but that's tough,

You’re such a dog, I've had enough.”

Biscuit began to move her hips to the rhythm. Whoops and hollers came from around the room, especially from the males in the audience.

Cliff was completely hypnotized by her movements, mouth agape. Oh, man… would you look at her!

“Oh my doggone baby,

I was his leadin’ lady.

Now that dog is leash-free,

Just another broken dream.

Howlin’ at the moon at night,

‘Cause my heart don’t feel right.

See you later, boy.

I'm not your squeaky toy.

So chew on this, we’re through.

I am so done with you.

Life’s rough, but that's tough,

You’re such a dog, I’ve had enough.”

Biscuit slowly sank to her knees as she danced now, while the music took on a more morose tone. A look of pure sadness crossed her face, and she continued to move as she sang on her knees.

“I can’t eat…

I can’t sleep…

I don't want to take a walk.

Why won’t he say

What’s keeping him away?

If only we could talk…”

On the last line, she rose up from the floor, and the music returned to normal. Her dance became more aggressive and focused.

“Oh my doggone baby,

You don't know how I've felt lately.

But you left me with no choice,

And you've been such a bad boy.

Give you up for someone else,

Some other dog who won't give me—

Well, see you later, boy.

I’m not your squeaky toy.

So chew on this, we're through.

I am so done with you.

Life’s rough, but that’s tough,

You’re such a dog, I've had enough.”

Biscuit danced in place as the song ended, eyes directly on her audience.

“Oh, see you later, boy.

I'm not your squeaky toy.

So chew on this, we’re through.

I am so done with you.

Life’s rough, but that's tough,

You’re such a dog, I’ve had enough.”

The music stopped, and so did Biscuit, frozen in a pose. There was a moment of silence.

And then, there came such a wave of applause, cheers, whistles, shouts, and screams that Biscuit was nearly bowled over, and if someone happened to pass by the Greasers’ hideout at that moment, they would have done a triple-take.

“That was the greatest thing EVER!” yelled Shriek, wildly clapping her hands.

Lube had finally stopped drooling and was clapping just as hard. “Duh, yeah! That was almost better than pounding CatDog!”

“That was amazin’!” said Cliff. “Miss Canino, that was even better than the radio version, and I thought that’d be tough to beat!”

“Thanks, all of you,” said Biscuit, blushing a little. “It’s fans like you that make me wanna sing for the whole world. And I ain’t just sayin’ that, either.”

She checked her watch. “Well, everyone, I wish I could stay longer, but I gotta go.”

Everyone moaned in disappointment.

“Hey, don’t worry!” said Biscuit. “You’ll all see me at the concert. I’m sure you can wait that long, right? I’ll see you all next week, and remember, I’ll be signing autographs after the show! See ya!”

More cheers came. Biscuit walked towards the door as she waved goodbye. Shriek and Lube fought each other to get Biscuit’s attention as they waved goodbye to her.

Amidst the noise and distraction, Cliff hurried over and held the door open for Biscuit.

“After you, Miss Canino,” he said with a smile.

Biscuit smiled back. “Hey, thanks. You know, you’re a real nice guy… I never even got your name.”

Cliff gave a gentlemanly bow. “Clifford Feltbottom, at your service. But you can call me Cliff.”

Biscuit stepped out the door. “Well, Cliff… I hope I see you again. Maybe you can show me around town sometime, huh?”

Cliff’s eyes widened. “R-really? You mean it?”

“Yeah! I really like what I’ve seen of Nearburg so far, but I’d really like to see it through the eyes of another dog. How’s about tomorrow night?”

Cliff felt like floating on air. “Sounds great,” he replied dreamily. He suddenly shook his head to regain his senses, and said in a much manlier voice, “It’ll be my pleasure to give you the grand tour.”

“Great! I’ll see you, then. Bye, Cliff!”

Cliff stared after her as she walked back to the red convertible, hopped back in, and had K.C. drive her away. He sighed deeply with content.

“What a babe.”

Suddenly, Eddie appeared on his shoulder. “Wow, I can’t believe Biscuit Canino was here! That song was the coolest! I wanna see her perform it over and over and over and over and over—”

Cliff swatted a hand at him, making him fall to the ground. “Shut up, already, will ya! Go inside and join the other fan club members. And if you make any noise, I’ll pound you for a change, got it?”

Eddie dusted himself off and saluted Cliff. “Right, Cliff! You’re the boss, Cliff! Whatever you say!” And the squirrel scampered inside.

Cliff rolled his eyes before turning his attention upwards. He barely noticed the night sky before, but tonight it seemed more full of stars than usual. It was pretty… like Biscuit.

“I’ll show her Nearburg, alright… and hopefully, I’ll get more than just her autograph,” he chuckled to himself. He then went back inside to continue the meeting.

Politeness was not Cliff’s strong suit, but it sure paid off when it came to pretty girls!