The Official Fanfiction University of Alagaësia

As told by thedelightful Miz Turwaithiel

-Chapter One: Piles of Wangst-

On the outskirts of the city, acres of farmland stretched out, a wide, lazy creek dividing the area in half. It was scenic landscape, yes—but on fell wings naught fifty miles away, doom stirred.

And standing on the front steps of a squat house was a girl, unaware of the fact the doom was waiting for her.

Rae brushed dark hair from her eyes and opened up the front door. It creaked and groaned as she stepped inside. “I’m home,” the teenager called, closing the door behind her. She could smell something being fried in the kitchen.

“Hi, sweetie,” her mother replied cheerily, sticking her head around the doorframe. “How does homemade pizza sound?”

“Pizza? Ew, mom, think of the calories,” Rae replied ungratefully, shrugging off her backpack and bounding up the stairs towards her room, eager to get to her computer. She sat down at her desk and turned the PC on, swiveling her chair around to stimulate her thoughts.

God, my mom will kill me—I can’t believe how hard that test was! Doesn’t the Social Studies teacher WANT any of us to pass? I mean, that material was way beyond what even I could do.

Good thing I didn’t waste too much time studying for it.

A glance back at the computer told her it had finished starting up. Rae opened up her writing program and thoughtfully drummed her fingers on the keyboard.

She had been thinking of writing a fanfiction story about the latest Eragon book during school. It had enough brutal warfare to lift her spirits, in any case—perhaps Galbatorix was really a Social Studies teacher turned evil dictator? She grinned and began typing.

"Dras-Leona. A dark, spiky tower stabbing against the cloudy sky, a blot of pain on the map. All around it, dark, dank water sluggishly trundled, brimming with wastes. A staring fish head washed up on the shore.

Inside the castle. Wary and scarred servants wandered the gloomy halls, and the rats scurried in the shadows, eyes bright. To the left, a steel door, wrought with magic. Those who dared try to trespass it were killed in ways unimaginable to mortals.

Inside, the cause of all the secrecy, the cause of the wars, the pain, the misery, the cause of it all—in it lay the dragon egg.

You reach out to enter—and a sign appears."

“STOP WRITING, YOU METAPHORICAL PILE OF WANGST.”

“Buh?” Raeasked cleverly, rereading the last line. “Okay, then…” she muttered, chalking it down to temporary amnesia. She deleted it and tried writing again.

"You reach out to enter, the metal door—"

“I MEAN IT. STOP WRITING.”

“What the heck?” Rae snapped, rather irritated. “Is this some sort of virus?” She typed furiously.

"You snatch up the dragon egg and—"

“YOU NEED TO GET PAST THE DOOR FIRST, SWEETIE.”

Rae clenched her teeth together and whacked her keyboard in frustration. After doing a calming swivel on her chair, she attempted to reason with the capitalized voice. Rae glared at the screen, mentally daring it to do its worst.

Her argument: "This is Fanfiction; I can write what I want!"

A pause.

“Actually, you cannot,” a sinister voice hissed.

Rae simultaneous froze and whipped the spinning chair around, and ended up sprawled out across the carpet. For a second she wondered what she was doing on the ground. Then the voice spoke up again.

“Fanfiction has certain rulesss, rulesss you mussst follow.”

Rae sat up so fast her neck muscles strained.

Looming in front of her, robed in shadows and brimming with malice, was a…a…

“AHHHH!” she screamed, cringing and trying to back away.

The Ra’zac looked down upon her with eyes that glowed slightly in the dark of his hood. “Do not fear, human. I have ordersss not to harm you…yet.”

Rae’s eyes showed white all around. “Meep,” she squeaked in terror, trying to scrabble backwards.

“I am merely here to inform you of a certain Fanfiction University you must attend before writing fanfiction using Alagaësian charactersss.” The Ra’zac loomed down at her. His beak reflected the glare of the computer screen. “This ssschool is…The Official Fanfiction University of Alagaësia.”

“Alagaësia?” Rae asked, her voice cracking slightly. “Isn’t that where…where Eragon lives?”

Twin shields of blackness swept across the Ra’zac’s luminescent eyes. “You are indeed sssmarter then mossst.” He leaned back and produced a small wooden tube from inside his ragged black robes, setting it on the end of her dresser. “If you passs the final examssss at the end of the third term, you will have a licenssse to write Fanfiction about ussss. Until then, you cannot write any of thisss…Fanfiction. Underssstood?”

Rae nodded mutely.

“Good. Fill out the formsss in the wooden tube and you will be able to attend the University in Alagaësia.”

Rae nodded again, mentally resolving to burn the papers as soon as the Ra’zac hallucination was gone. She would torch them to cinders, she would.

He swirled around, cloak following dramatically, and stalked out of the room. His hooded, beaked head turned, paused for one last backwards look. “And if you don’t apply…well, then we are not ressstricted from eating you.”

With that, he disappeared down the hall, leaving the teenager trembling on the floor.

Rae had the sudden suspicion filling out those forms would be a good idea.

She reached up to her dresser and closed her fingers around the wooden tube, half-expecting it to explode. A second passed with her waiting.

Then she slid the papers out and started reading them.

The top half of the first sheet was all in the Ancient Language—the teen squinted at it and pushed her black hair behind her ears, but she couldn’t make out a single word. However, below the dotted line, there was a small sentence.

To agree, write “Eka adér” on the line. If you do not agree, you may stop here. We require no more information.

Rae hesitated, her pen hovering above the sheet, and then scribbled the words of consent on the line. Feeling slightly proud—rather foolish, considering what she had just unwittingly done—she flipped the paper over and began reading the next page.

1. Please print out your full name.

2. What is your gender?

3. What genre do you write?

4. Who is your lust object?

Rae paused, the end of the pen almost in her mouth. By lust, did they mean…?

Murtagh. My one and only true love. Such a deep and meaningful relationship cannot be described by the crude word ‘lust’.

Rae scribbled down Murtagh’s name and continued reading.

5. What is your worst fear?

6. Are you inclined to writing battle scenes?

7. Have you written a Mary-Sue?

Rae’s cousin, Mary-Sue, was a volleyball player with the biggest feet Rae had ever seen—she remembered being fascinated with them when she was little. She wasn’t sure exactly how she could write about Mary-Sue, but she circled yes anyways. Maybe the Ra’zac were looking for the association…?

The page had ended, so she stretched and flipped over to the last piece of paper. The top half was a gobble of tiny legal print, the bottom half a list of staff. Rae’s eyes widened in shock.

There, under someone named Katrina—Rae had certainly never heard of her—was the Name. Her one and only True Love, the sexiest guy in the books, the dangerous, sexy, moody, sexy, angsty, strong, sexy, powerful, sexy, bad guy—had she mentioned sexy? —Murtagh.

Her Murtagh.

The page swam before her eyes as she suddenly envisioned meeting him in this odd school-place she was going to…her eyes glazed over, and the completed forms slid out of her limp fingers. With a soft sigh, her face relaxed, and her eyelids fluttered shut, her lurid fan girl’s mind already envisioning Murtagh being captivated by her effortless, graceful charm...

Seconds later, two shaggy-looking cats prowled around the doorframe, one dark, one light. They both exchanged red-eyed glances at the sight of the dozing fan girl.

Not another cationic one, the pale cat groaned, fangs bared in distaste. None of them will survive meeting their lust objects.

Is that such a bad thing? The other queried, pawing the papers back into the wooden tube and sealing the lid on. Remember, Maud, It’ll be a good school without them.

Maud grinned, an expression that differed little from her grimace, and batted at Rae with an unfriendly paw. Maybe it would be a better school. Hey, this one is completely out of it. Do you think she’d enjoy some…decorative tattoos?

The darker werecat picked up the tube in his mouth and trotted out of the room, bushy tail held loftily. Maud glared after him.

Why do I always have to deal with the fan girls? She complained silently. With a small, delicate sigh, she stepped onto the fan girl and—disappeared, taking the dozing girl with her.

Six minutes later and sixty trillion light-years away, Rae woke up in Alagaësia, mind still happily fogged over from her Murtagh-induced dream. Of course, it was only a matter of time before she noticed she was flying across a desert on the back of a dragon.

Maud was deeply amused by her reaction.

---

To: Collective Inheritance Fangirls:

Do you want to run around Alagaësia, irritating canon and inciting the wrath of several authorial self-inserts? Have you ever dreamed of facing down a Mary Sue? Is it your deepest desire to go skiing down the slopes of Farthen Dûr?

If so, you’ve come to the right place. Fill out the same form Rae did and send it to me—my email address is on my profile page. (Do Not Apply Via Review. That would make the site gods angry.)You may apply at any time.Don’t expect to be friendly with anybody in the books. They have been warned about you.

Camilla Sandman is the writer who came up with the bright idea of a Fanfiction University—she runs the Official Fanfiction University of Middle Earth. She's the one who gave me the permission, so therefore I really do own nothing. Except Rae.

Good luck on surviving the OFUA, and may the spork be with you.

-Miz Turwaithiel