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The moment of clarity came to me in the weirdest of places. Not in the library where it's quiet. Not on the sofa when you're relaxed; mind oblivious to the noise of the TV. Or even at night, staring at the ceiling before sleep captures you. But on a dance floor. A dance floor packed with sweaty teenagers. And us.
The strobe lighting of the club made it all appear in slow motion. I was watching her dance. Her hands running up and down her body. She was only dancing with me; though there were boys surrounding us. She was driving them crazy just by ignoring them.
Watching her dance, watching the faces of the boys around her, watching her as she moved around me. It was all so obvious at that point. Every thing that had confused me. Every doubt I had had in my mind. It was all gone. The maid had finally come. I knew. It was her. She did this to me. Every time. And it was then that I knew why. I understood it all for the first time.
"God I'm hungry!" I said it more to myself then to her, but it got her attention nonetheless.
"You wanna ditch these losers?" She gestured around us. "And grab a bite to eat?"
I smiled at this. It made me feel sure. Though she hadn't been paying them any attention, it wouldn't have surprised me if at least one of them had ended up back at her motel, that thought had been haunting me, lurking in the back of my mind all evening. Knowing that they wouldn't be; made my heart loosen. Gave it room to beat. "Now that sounds like a plan" My smile was so broad it hurt to talk. But I couldn't help it. I was happy.
She grabbed my wrist and guided me out of the club, onto the street. That small touch had my skin come out in goose bumps. She probably thought it was just the cold. The sudden chill of the night air in comparison to the heat of the dance floor. She was completely unaware of the effect she was having on me.
"What you in the mood for then?" She looked up and down the street searching for places still open. "There's an ice cream place couple of blocks down isn't there?"
"Err… Not tonight, it's too cold. Hey! Mum's out of town and she left me with a stocked kitchen before she left." I paused and swallowed at this point, trying to gear myself up for the next part of my sentence, "What you say Faith… Wanna raid my cupboards?"
"Now that B," a smile was slowly inching its way across her face, the night sky illuminating it for the world to see, "really does sound like a plan!"
"I thought you said your cupboards were stocked!"
"Must be their night off." I couldn't offer her the real explanation. That I had taken her to my house on false pretences, that I had brought her back selfishly, knowing there was no food in the house. (Xander had eaten it all, well most anyway, the night before). I didn't want to share her in some dingy little burger bar. That I wanted her in my house so I knew she wouldn't be taking some drunken, tattoo clad biker back to the motel that night. I didn't want to admit to her that by taking her to my kitchen I was merely acting as some sort of barrier between her and whatever washout she could have screwed that nigh.
"I'm telling you if I don't get anything to eat soon I'm gunna…." She didn't finish her sentence. She didn't need to. She'd said it often enough. We both knew there was only one thing one her mind after she'd been slaying, well, other than food that is.
She looked my up and down. Assessing me with her eyes. I didn't object. I half expected it. I only reddened at the complement. That's an odd word to choose I realise. But that's what it was. It was a complement that she would even consider me. Somehow I'd never felt worthy. She was so beautiful. She could have any body she wanted. The fact that she was there with me; choosing me over others that night made me feel beautiful in turn.
I had to turn away though. I couldn't handle it. It was fast, though I knew it would come, it still surprised me. It felt too soon. I needed more time. I was suddenly terrified. Not of her. I could never be scared of her. But of what I was feeling. It was the emptiness in my mind that frightened me. Only one thought remained. Her.
As I reached into the cupboard above me I felt her hands around me. They moved slowly, determinedly, from on my hips to my stomach. I tried to ignore it at first. The feeling from my crotch that is. But I couldn't. I had waited so long for her touch. Though I hadn't realised that was what I had wanted at first, now that I did, that's all I wanted. The feeling engulfed me. My breath tensed and she noticed. My goose bumps returned.
"Horny huh?" My voice was shaky though I tried to remain cool. I couldn't help it. I was nervous.
I turned back. Remaining in her arms. I found myself giggling. Though it didn't sound as if it was me making the noise. Her hands were now touching the small of my back. My breathing was so ragged. It almost hurt to exhale. I was so close to her. So close to what I wanted.
"You given up on the search of food then?" I tried to make my voice sound cool, as if I did this all the time, invite girls back to my house, as if none of this was new. I knew it wasn't new to her, though she'd never told me, it seemed so obvious now. Like everything else I was feeling.
"Oh I don't know" she leant in towards me. Closing the gap between us. She was tilting her head as she spoke until our lips were almost touching. Then she stopped. She was so close I could feel her breath on my lips. She was driving me crazy and she knew it. "If you're still hungry though…" she paused, allowing time for her smile to take full effect, "… I'll help you look."
My hand was still outstretched, somewhat uncomfortably, in the cupboard above. My fingers were wrapped around the bottle. They had been for some time. I didn't want to move it though for I felt that I was shaking so violently that I would drop it instantly.
Slowly I brought my hand back out of the cupboard. I showed the bottle proudly to Faith. Trying to cover up my nerves with the utmost cockiness.
"Well Joyce you ol' dog" Faith almost laughing at what she saw before her, "JD! Well who would've thought?"
With my free hand I unscrewed the bottle top, my hand shaking as I brought the bottle up to my lips. I remember it felt like burning as the amber liquid ran down my throat. Like nothing I had ever tasted before.
"Erg!" I must have looked so stupid, shaking my head, trying to rid my mouth from that first taste of whiskey. Faith merely raised her eyebrows at me; the smirk was already there, in agreement.
"What?" I asked as innocently as possible. Trying to rid my stomach of the butterflies that had invaded it. "I felt in the mood for a little Dutch courage."
"For what?" She moved a few stray hairs behind my ear. The back of her fingers brushing against my skin.
"For this."
My mouth met hers. Her lips were so soft. She ran her tongue over mine. Asking for entrance. I complied. I felt her tongue over mine. Our tongues battled for dominance. I remember it felt wonderful. She felt wonderful against my lips. Like nothing I had ever tasted before.
She pulled back. My lips felt cold, missing the comfort of her touch but it gave me time to breathe. My breath was still laboured, but not noticeably so. She moved her hands. She removed her hand that she had entangled in my hair. She moved it to where it was before, returning it to the small of my back with the other. She slowly lowered them both until she reached my arse, which she gently caressed. Sensing that I was still nervous. Her touch was comforting.
It surprised me how gentle her touch was. She moved slowly. Not at all how you would have expected. Not at all how she acts when she's around the others. She had dropped her 'Get some, get gone' act. 'Cause that was all it was: an act. I knew this yet I was still surprised.
She touched me as if she had been longing to do so ever since we met. She touched me as if she had memorised my curves, and dreamt of touching no one else.
Slowly the bottle was emptied. Though that was the first time I had been drunk, I felt no different. My mind was focused. If not more focused than before in fact. Faith focused me. I knew what I was doing. I just needed the alcohol to numb my senses, to allow me to drop my barriers. To remove my fear of rejection, my doubt, the small part of my mind that told me 'No', because my heart had been telling me 'Yes', it had been for some time, it was just on that night that I chose to acknowledge it.
She removed the bottle from my hand and placed it on the counter beside me. On hand she left on my side, the other she cupped my face. She leaned in again. This time I was ready. My nerves had gone. I was ready. I draped my hands around her neck pulling her closer. The touch of her lips was not enough. I needed her to touch me everywhere. I need the feel of her skin next to mine.
Breaking away from the kiss, I pushed Faith back so I was able to jump down of the counter. My legs crumbled beneath me. Though my mind was focused, seemingly strengthened by the drink, my body seemed to fail me. Faith was the only thing holding me up. I willed my legs to work. I moved them forward so I was closer still to her. I longed to be near her. Even and inch was too much space between us.
Kissing her again, I turned her around, started to guide her around the island and out of the kitchen. I had regained control of my legs, they were taking me, and Faith too as a consequence, down the hallway and to the stairs. Never breaking the kiss. I needed the taste of her more then I needed to breathe.
I took the first step and I pulled her with me. I broke away from her lips so that I could lead us up the stairs. I faltered. The stairs were too difficult.
"Are you sure?" She was against me. I had dragged her down onto the stairs when I tripped. Her eyes were looking deep into mine. Searching for the girl that she knew, rather than the drunken teenager in front of her. I finally had confidence to act on my impulses (for that was all my confusion had been a series of impulses and urges that I didn't understand) but she thought I was too drunk, to intoxicated to know what I was doing.
"It's me Faith. I'm not as drunk as you think. I'm sobering up more and more each second that you're not touching me. I want this." I reassured her. My breath was laboured again, but only because I was scared that she was going to leave. To leave me unfulfilled.
She helped me up, pulling me by my shoulders so that we were kissing once more. Tongues touching. Young hearts lusting. Somehow we managed to finish the stairs and wind our way to my room. Our kisses were more passionate now. Fevered. Hands roaming. In need of each other's touch.
Our clothes were scattered around my room. Having been made redundant, as we needed to see, to touch, more of each other. Backs, breasts, stomachs, crotches. There was all these body parts to be explored.
I was naked before for her and she laid bare next to me. Nothing was left hidden and all was explored. She tenderly kissed the scar on my neck. I lovingly touched the scars on her legs; the red lines that crossed them, the red lines that covered deep wounds and previous pain. Not questioning.
Still passionately touching, but understanding more. Nothing was said between us but both of us learnt about the other that night. She ran her hand along my side as she sucked on my nipples, never showing favouritism to one, constantly switching, but arousing me nevertheless. She would suck my pulse point as she circled my clitoris, I could feel her smile as I moaned out her name. She slid two fingers inside of me and gently pulled them back and forth, making my cries only loader until I came. I would do the same, loving hearing her call out my name in ecstasy.
I don't remember how many times we came that first night. I was just the fact that we did. That we came together that night, removing all the barriers that separated us.
My breath returned when I saw her at the foot of the stairs tying her boots. She turned to face me as she heard my let out the breath I'd been holding since I'd found her gone.
"Mornin' B" she stood up slowly, as she recited her rehearsed speech "Last night was just release. We're friends nothin' more. The others won't hear a word of this. Not from me anyway. I'll get gone. Leave ya. See ya later."
I nodded. She walked slowly to the door.
I'd stopped breathing. I couldn't believe what was happening. I had waited so long. I had finally put all the pieces together, and yet I just removed one, with just one nod of my head, so that the picture could not be completed. I didn't understand.
"FAITH!" I shouted as I ran down the stairs. She stopped at the door. I had her attention but I could say nothing more, "I… Err…"
She turned to face me. She stood before my half naked form. I couldn't believe that she had planned to leave without saying anything. That was what she did, 'Get some, get gone' but I thought that somehow I was different. That I was special.
"Faith…" I started again. I couldn't let her go but I couldn't form the words to make her stay.
"Just say it. Just say that last night was amazing. It was the best night of your life. And that all you want to do today is fuck me senseless so that all I do today is call out your name."
I nodded. She'd phrased it perfectly. There was nothing left to say.
"I can't believe you were just going to let me leave." She said shutting the door, walking past me, back up the stairs, "You know your going to pay for that!"
She pulled off her top as she spoke, revealing the lacy black bra from the night before.
My mind had been cleaned. The maid had done her job. That morning I saw the world with perfect clarity.
