Author: Shiro Ryuu PM
[ONESHOT] RazielxZaphikel. Raziel sins. Zaphikel is very nearly not there for him. Sad fluff, bwuha. Not really descriptive, I’m afraid. SPOILERS!Rated: Fiction M - English - Romance/Angst - Raziel & Zaphikel - Words: 3,443 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 10 - Published: 11-27-05 - Status: Complete - id: 2677917
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: Dude, I've seen pictures of Kaori Yuki, y'know. She's pretty, with pin-straight hair and stuff. Oh, yeah, and she's Japanese. Let's just say that you'd have to be really super dumb to confuse me with her... Incidentally, (whisper) I don't own the song, either. Yes, I know it's against the rules, but I don't understand why so I used it anyway :P
AN: Yeash, what a crappy fic. You can't be much more frank than that. But I can't help it; I really don't like how this one turned out. I just got... uninterested. I almost didn't finish it at all, but I tried real hard... It shows, unfortunately T.T Understandably, the ending is what disappointed me. I guess I don't completely hate it - obviously; I wouldn't have posted it if I felt that way - but still... (sigh) Ah, well. I felt that this fandom needed a Zaphikel/Raziel fic. There are, like, none. Not that I've seen, anyhow. Well, about those spoilers :) A lot of people on here seem to know how the whole series is going to go already, whereas I only know the story up to where the English translations have reached, so I might have this wrong, but... It's what I heard, nervous grin. (deep bow) I hope others like this story better than I do :)
My father, my mentor... You're not really my father, I suppose, but you might as well be. You pulled me out of the dark. You saved me. You taught me that I wanted to live. I'm sorry... I never meant to become so sinful...
Raziel knocked on the office door a second time, feeling the beginning of irritation already coming on. Ah...! Sometimes Lord Zaphikel just annoyed him so much. As if it wasn't scary enough having one of Sevothtarte's top minions interrupting his breakfast to tell him that the Prime Minister would be most put off if Lord Zaphikel tried to avoid the council meeting again today...
"Lord Zaphikel? Are you in there?"
Finally he gave up, and opened the door. He had nothing to feel guilty about, he told himself, since if Lord Zaphikel hadn't wanted him to come in then he could have just answered. "L...?" Hmm... He didn't see him anywhere. Raziel rolled his eyes. "Lord Zaphikel! This is no time to be playing around!" Silence. "I have a message from Lord Sevothtarte." This was followed by more resounding silence. Raziel sweatdropped. But it was too early yet to be out in gardens, surely...
After a brief flurry of searching - under the couch, behind the potted plant, out on the balcony - he sat down heavily in one of the chairs and groaned. Argh... Okay, so he wasn't in here. But it was only eight! Where could he have possibly gone this early in the morning? And it was too late to still be...
Raziel tentatively knocked on the door to the adjoining bedroom. No answer. Feeling even more guilty now - but it was a message from the Prime Minister, so that must be important enough, right? - he opened the door.
...Oh... good grief... Why in Heaven did he do this to him? Raziel clenched and unclenched his fists several times before managing to calm himself down. He supposed Lord Zaphikel probably had a plausible excuse, like he'd stayed up late working, though he personally couldn't help but suspect that he was just being lazy. He'd been up for two hours already, for crying out loud!
Well... It was kind of funny, he supposed. Zaphikel's loose hair was splayed out across the pillow like black sun rays, and his face was a picture of serenity as always... but other than that... The truth was that he was sprawled out most carelessly, with the sheets tangled up in his legs. Raziel almost had to laugh. He slept like a child!
Amazing... He... almost didn't want to wake him up...
Hi there! It's your annoying inner voice! My advice to you is to leave him a note, and get out of here already, m'kay?
Raziel found that his feet were being most disagreeable. They didn't seem to want to do what he was telling them to. Oh, this was ridiculous...
Well? Come on! Are you going to do the smart thing, or what? Okay, fine, but don't say I didn't warn you...
Not to say that his feet were incapable of moving. He found himself standing next to his bed, looking down at him. How pathetically cliché. Raziel brushed a stray bit of hair out of his master's face, which seemed to be nearly enough to break his trance; he flushed. Oh, God... This was crazy. What was he even doing in this room? He should just...
...bend down over him, close enough to feel his gentle sleeping breath, close enough for his own blonde hair to brush the angel's sleeping face, close enough to smell his intoxicating scent, nearly close enough to k...
Some kind of basic, instinctive shame made him jerk back just in time. He clasped his hands tight over his mouth in horror. No... Oh, God, no... He wasn't supposed to admit, not even to himself... Raziel fled.
My son, my sweet beloved... Where is the dividing line? Such an impersonal act. Anyone could've done what I did, and most would have. Surely you realize that by now. And yet still you stay around...
In the dark aloneness of his bedroom, Zaphikel opened his blind eyes and bit his lip. Oh, damn...
This was not supposed to happen. This was his fault.
He sat up and gripped his head in his hands. Okay, he had to stay calm. Yes... Though it was true; it was his fault. He was tempted to blame it at least partially on the boy, because his ability to think clearly sometimes seemed to shut down around him, but no. He had given in far too many times to pointless touches and undeserving words of kindness. When had he let their relationship get this far from that of a superior and inferior officer?
So he admitted that he cared for him in more than an allowable way. For instance, he really should have alerted the boy to the fact that he was awake, but he'd been secretly curious... Perhaps he'd been hoping the boy might say something revealing that he felt towards him like a son towards a father? But he would never have expected something like this. He would never have expected sweet Raziel to be the one to slip up this much. Ah, excuses... He sighed. Well, there was only one thing he could really do, he supposed.
It was shortly after lunch when Raziel received the summons to go to Lord Zaphikel's office. He was more surprised that it'd taken this long than anything else; usually he called him fairly early in the morning to help him with paperwork.
When he entered the room, Zaphikel was standing in front of the window with his back turned. It was strange when he did things like that, Raziel mused. You could almost forget that he was blind... "Hello, Raziel," he said, apparently addressing the rain that had been falling for the past few hours.
"Good afternoon, Lord Zaphikel," he said respectfully, going to stand next to him. "Was there something that you needed?"
"Oh, nothing much..." His voice trailed off, and he frowned slightly to himself.
Raziel decided not to push it, opting instead to stare at the rain. "I hate the rain," he said conversationally. "I hate being stuck inside all day. Don't you?"
Zaphikel couldn't help but chuckle. "Oh, I don't think it's so bad. You do know that everything out there would be a wasteland without the rain, don't you?" Ah... so innocent... that his heart could just break...
Raziel considered that for a moment. "Yes, I suppose you're right." He smiled.
Zaphikel sighed. Okay, it was time to pull himself together. He turned to face the younger angel, leaning against the wall. "Raziel... I'm afraid to say that you probably won't like this very much, but please don't protest. I've decided that it's time I released you from your position as my aid." Raziel gaped. "I think you've reached a point where it would be better if you could give more of your concentration to furthering your career." What bullshit am I feeding him...? "I will of course offer any assistance that I can, but I feel that to continue working so closely with me would only provide a distraction." Well, it is true, actually...
Raziel finally managed to shut his mouth. "No! Uh, please; please don't..."
Zaphikel arched an eyebrow. He had to admit that he was a bit startled, even knowing the boy's feeling. Because he knew the boy deserved some comfort, even though he knew he probably shouldn't, he reached out and clasped his shoulder. "Now, now. What did I just say about protesting? I would think you'd appreciate the opportunity I'm offering you."
Raziel scrambled for some kind of appropriate thing to say. "But... Was it something I did?" He went pale just thinking that his lord had been secretly awake this morning. This was just so like him... pretending he hadn't overstepped, once again, doing whatever he could to keep him safe even when he deserved to be punished...
Zaphikel reached up to Raziel's face, and wiped away the tears he hadn't noticed. "Don't make it so difficult for me to keep pretending," he said quietly.
After allowing himself just a moment to be horrified into oblivion, Raziel dropped to his knees and lay his head on the floor. "Please, Lord Zaphikel, forgive me. I swear to you that I didn't mean to do anything offensive. Nor will I allow myself to do anything offensive in the future. I humbly request that you punish me for my sin, but also allow me to stay on as your aid."
Zaphikel stared at him in disgust. "God... Get up! Don't be so stupid!" He sighed at the shocked, hurt feelings he received in return, and tried to compose himself. "I... don't like to hear you acting so humble," he said awkwardly, turning to the window again. He sighed. "I am a very selfish man, Raziel; did you know that? I... need you gone."
Raziel simply stared at him, so he fell silent, musing on the rain. After a minute, the younger angel pulled himself to his feet, and joined him.
"You know," he said, smiling vaguely, "I heard that Raphael takes a new woman to his bed every night. The angel Michael has killed another angel before in his rage. Uriel had disappeared by the time I met you, but I can still remember him, too. Why are they allowed to act like that...and not people like us?"
Zaphikel's eyes widened. "Don't-" Too slow, too late. Raziel's lips pressed gently against his own, and the blonde angel linked his arms around his neck, pulling him close. This feeling... touch, scent, taste... were they even more abnormally intensified than usual? It seemed to be enough for the boy just to be still with him like this; how ironically chaste...
Zaphikel shoved him violently away. "Get away from me!" He heart broke a bit more at the pained sound he made as his back hit the wall.
A few brittle moments passed. Zaphikel couldn't tell if Raziel was crying or not, though he hadn't bothered to get to his feet again. A small and nearly hysterical laugh escaped him, and the Great Thrones had to cover his eyes so Raziel wouldn't see his own tears welling up. "I... I'm so sorry... Sweet Raziel, you know, you've forced my hand. Maybe you'll understand if I tell you what I was never supposed to tell anyone? You see, you're actually... ah... my son..."
A few more moments of silence. And then there were quiet, choking sobs. He could have killed him. He probably should have. If anything, any of this, got out... If someone like Sevothtarte were to hear of it... But instead he knelt down, wrapped his arms around the little angel, and held him close, listening to him cry.
A few days passed. Raziel slept... and slept... Zaphikel decided to keep him in a spare room of his suit rather than take him to the infirmary because, he told himself, he was afraid of what he might say when he woke up. Because, in reality, he had to make amends somehow...
Whenever there wasn't work to do - and he was quite the expert at getting out of it even when there was - Zaphikel held a vigil over him. It wasn't until the third day that he fully appreciated the irony of it, so much so that he had to laugh to himself. It was almost as if the boy had died... or at least become dead to him...
Alone in the dark next to Raziel's sleeping body, Zaphikel stood up. Was forgiveness even possible at this point? He felt like he would go crazy if he didn't find out. But he wouldn't wake up...
Why should you even ask for forgiveness? It's the boy who's wrong!
And yet I am... also quite guilty.
Restlessness caused him to leave his suit in favor of striding aimlessly through the maze of a castle... And inside the room, Raziel opened his eyes.
From before and into now
(Just walk away just walk away)
What was going on? Why was it so dark? No... he could see a few things... Raziel sat up, and fell back again as all the blood rushed to his head.
He was amazed at how weak and hungry he was. Where was he? This certainly wasn't his room; he didn't even recognize it... And then he remembered.
And after a little while longer, he managed to pull himself out of bed. Ah, well... Perhaps he would die? Or perhaps he would just condemn himself to hell. There was only one way to find out, after all.
When all of the world has blown apart
(Just walk away just walk away)
Into the wet grass
When the end is making new the start
Zaphikel was not too hard to find, since Raziel already had an idea of where he probably was. He took the quiet back ways, since he found that he really didn't want to be seen by anyone he knew or have to talk to anyone right now... no one but him...
He was standing outside the church doors soon enough. The complete and utter silence of the anteroom would have led anyone else to assume that the church must be empty, but he knew better. Rather than opening the gigantic main doors, he followed hallways to a smaller side door near the front of the vast main temple.
Candlelight flickered through a forest of pillars, but that didn't mean anything, since there were always candles burning in the temples of Heaven. Raziel followed it anyway. He stopped behind the last pillar before the open corridor leading from the main entrance to the altar, and stared for some time.
What looked like a thousand and one candles were scattered about the floor in systematic disorganization around the expanse of the altar, which was backed by a stained-glass window so huge that it disappeared into the gloom above. In the middle of the candles there knelt a dark figure in the attitude of prayer, long black hair hiding his humbly bowed face... It was tribute to just how deep in meditation he was that he did not look up until Raziel was almost to him.
"Who-?" His blind eyes widened. "Raziel...?"
He gave a small smile as he knelt down next to him. "Yes... I woke up..."
It was, the younger angel reflected, quite hard to control himself right now. He wanted to do something crazy, though he wasn't even quite sure what...
"I-" Zaphikel frowned, and turned his face down again. "I'm sorry-" WHY are you APOLOGIZING? He grimaced. "-because it must be my fault. I must have made you think, somehow... Well, as long as you're willing to forget about all this, now that you know the whole story-"
"What is wrong with you?" Raziel burst out. Zaphikel arched an eyebrow in amazement. "Why are you trying to sound so pure?" He flushed slightly, but continued. "I mean, you had a child, for one thing. And I know some of the other things you've done... And I don't care! I still l-"
Zaphikel pressed two fingers to the boy's lips. "Don't you dare say that," he said softly.
Raziel frowned, and gently took his wrist to move his hand away... and then jerked it to the side, and met Zaphikel's lips with his own. The Thrones tried to move back, but Raziel simply bowled him over so that he was straddling his hips, and thrust his tongue mercilessly between his lips. When he pulled away, he rested his head on Zaphikel's chest, whispering harshly between gasps for air: "I still love you."
Zaphikel closed his eyes. "Do you want me to kill you?"
Raziel scoffed. "You love me too, though."
The black-haired angel glared in the direction of the shrouded ceiling. "Yes," he snapped. "As a father."
"Even if you just loved me that much, then, you wouldn't be able to kill me." He sat up, and smiled softly. "But it's a lie. You weren't here to pray for my soul. If you didn't love me the way I love you, then what would you have to feel so guilty about?" Zaphikel just winced again, and Raziel's smile turned bitter, but he leaned down to kiss him again anyway. Gradually his kisses moved from Zaphikel's mouth to his jaw, then to his neck, where he tenderly lapped at the scar he found there. The Thrones thought he felt his resolve crack...
"I can't allow this, you know," he said, a touch breathily.
"Yes you can," Raziel murmured against his collarbone.
"No..." He gave a small, shuddery sigh as Raziel slipped a hand tentatively under the hem of his shirt. "You..." Abruptly, he chuckled. "I envy you... You imagine a perfect world where all people need to be together is love... It would be nice if the world were like that."
Raziel smiled at him. "You have to start somewhere."
He sighed again. "Get off me."
Zaphikel hesitated. He couldn't kill the boy. It was true. But he considered, for a moment, getting up and telling him he never wanted to see him again. He could threaten to give him over to Sevothtarte if he ever spoke to him again; he couldn't do the deed himself, but he could probably do that much...
Then he gave up, and pulled Raziel close. The young angel exhaled shakily, and his warm breath ghosted across Zaphikel's ear.
"Raziel, I..." He held his breath, but Zaphikel just shook his head. "I'm sick..." Then he turned his head, and Raziel's eyes fluttered shut...
I'm lying out in the rain
I wait for the hurricane
To wash over me
It's setting me free
To help me to see
What I have chosen...
And, in the middle of a thousand and one candles burning for the most Holy God, sin was heaped on sin. They didn't speak another word, but they didn't need to. They both knew that this could be the only time, that they might never be able to speak to each other after this. They also knew that they would be a wasteland without it.