Urusei Yatsura - The Senior Year: "Alternate Lum-san" Part 1 of 2
by Mike Smith
Read Road, R.R. #5, Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario L0S 1J0 Canada
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transmitted by Patrick Vera
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First in a series of fan-fiction stories based on "Urusei Yatsura,"
created by Rumiko Takahashi
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1) The use of asterisks in this story identify points where bold
or italics print would be normally used were this a standard sheet
hard-copy. (*) One asterisk identifies ITALICS print, which is
normally used for light emphasis, thoughts or flashback scenes. (**)
Two asterisks means BOLD print, which is meant for more harsh
emphasis. (***) Three asterisks means BOLD AND ITALICS print, which
is meant for very harsh emphasis, i.e., the person would be screaming
his/her head off!!
2) Mike and I decided to give first names or family names to some
of the characters since we felt that calling them by the names we'd
normally address them as would be tedious at best. Here's the current
list (given in Japanese family name-first order):
Megane Aisuru (from the dictionary verb "to love")
Chibi Urayamu (from the dictionary verb "to be envious")
Kakugari Daremo (from the adjective "nobody")
Paama Shitto (from the noun "jealousy")
Moroboshi Muchi (Ataru's dad, from the verb "muchuu" "to be ignorant")
Moroboshi Kinshou (Ataru's mom, meaning "golden prize")
HANGERS ON FROM SCHOOL
Sakurambou Sakura (using Cherry's priestly name as Sakura's family
Onsen Mark (making the "Mark" part his first name)
Fujinami Fujimi (Ryuunosuke's father. The word "fujimi" was once used
as the family name in some amateur dubs, which is what Mike and I used
in our stories until AnimEigo corrected us. Since we're used to the
name, we decided to use it as the given name to Ryuu-chan's old man.)
LUM AND FRIENDS FROM SPACE
Lum no Midorinokaminoke-oni (Lum's tribal name, "green-haired Onis")
Lan no Akaikaminoke-seishin (Lan's tribal name, "red-haired Seishins")
Rei no Midorinokaminoke-oni (Rei's tribal name)
Jariten no Midorinokaminoke-oni (Ten-chan's tribal name)
Invader no Midorinokaminoke-oni (Lum's dad)
Mrs. Invader no Midorinokaminoke-oni (Lum's mom)
Shigaten Benten (Benten's clan name)
3) To simplify matters, Mike and I decided on a simple system of
giving family names to Urusians by making use of a clan designation.
We decided on using a combination of the person's hair colour and
specific tribe, hence we have "Midorinokaminoke-oni" and so on. "Oni"
(devil) Urusians are Lum's people (with the horns). "Seishin"
(spirit) Urusians are Lan's people (without the horns). The tribal
divisions are like the divisions between Caucasians, Africans and
Orientals here on Earth.
4) The clans on Benten's homeworld are like Scottish clans.
However, the clan names are rarely used when with persons of the same
5) Finally, here are the names of the planets and races we will
use in our
Terrans (people from Earth)
Tritonians (Oyuki's people. A future story will explain why we
situated Oyuki's people on Triton in lieu of Neptune)
Urusians (Lum's and Lan's people)
Fukunokami (Benten's people)
Ellsians (Elle's people)
Karasutengu (Kurama's people)
More races will be introduced in future stories.
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And now...ON WITH THE SHOW!!!!
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Early morning at Tomobiki High School.
The staff and students of this institution slowly walk through
the open front gate to the foyer. Their uniforms are clean and
pressed for the coming day. Among them is a Japanese boy with a
homely-looking face which alludes to his being a total moron. This is
Ataru Moroboshi...cancer of the class, idiot of idiots, ultimate
dunce, most lecherous, luckless man in the Universe...
"Hey," Ataru yells at the writer. "Enough already! They get
Ataru has a problem...an alien problem to be precise. Two
years ago, he was drafted into defending Earth from invasion by
aliens. All he had to do was tag the horns of the beautiful daughter
of the leader of the invaders, Lum, within ten days. Taking one look
at the beautiful girl, Ataru thought his ultimate dream had came true.
Unfortunately, it became a nightmare...he went into the Tag Race not
knowing that she could fly!
After nine days of pain and humiliation, Ataru, depressed by
his inability to tag Lum's horns, was consoled by then-girlfriend
Shinobu Miyaki. She, the caring but short-tempered girl she is,
agreed to marry Ataru if he won. The final day of the contest, Ataru
tagged Lum's horns in a manner that should not really be repeated
because children might read. While he gloated over his coming
marriage to Shinobu, the naive Lum thought Ataru was proposing to her.
What is more, Lum accepted! Before Ataru could say anything, he
discovered something else he did not know about Lum: she can throw
lightning bolts with great accuracy and power.
After that day, Lum moved in to live with Ataru. She was
followed by her young cousin Jariten, bitter rival Lan, ex-fiance Rei
and her friends Benten and Oyuki. Ataru would not have minded it so
much except for the fact that Lum kept interfering with his attempts
to date other girls in Tomobiki. Ataru was also abandoned by Shinobu,
first for Shutaro Mendou, his main rival in girl chasing, then for a
strange rabbit-suited boy from the Destiny Management Dimension named
Also, Lum became a student at his high school. Unfortunately,
that caused a fan club-like admiration amongst the male student
population, practically bordering on a religion (*remember this
material...you will see it again!*). This problem came to haunt Ataru
again and again, with various members of the male student body at one
moment trying to get Ataru away from Lum, the next moment getting
Ataru in trouble with Lum and her one hundred thousand volt electric
* * *
Today, Ataru is waiting for someone by the trees near the
school. *Where is she?!* he anxiously sighs. *She said she'd be here
waiting for me.*
Suddenly, an attractive girl his age with large brown eyes
walks up to him. Her flowing shoulder-length hair is black.
"Ataru-chan," she intones with a Fukuoka accent. "Sorry I'm late."
Ataru smiles. "It's okay, Mie. Are you ready for tonight?"
"You bet," she bows. "What are we going to go?"
"I thought we'd go to the park."
"What about Lum? How will we escape her?"
"Let me worry about that," Ataru says...as a flock of crows
Mie Seikou is one of the few girls in the school willing to
date Ataru, mainly because she just moved from a small town in Fukuoka
to Tomobiki a few weeks ago. Not knowing the lecherous reputation he
has in Tomobiki, Mie believes Ataru is a nice guy with a strange alien
girl who has a crush on him. Her large brown eyes reflect her
innocence; she does not suspect the truth...
* * *
Finally, the long day ends. Staff and students trudge off to
their homes. Lum hugs Ataru from behind. "Darling...are you ready to
Ataru notices Mie looking anxious at her desk, then faces his
would-be wife. "Lum...I want to stay after school. I'll meet you at
"But, Darling...?!" Lum says in surprise.
"I only want to study in the library," he emphasizes.
"Then I should stay with you," she announces.
Ataru shakes his head. "I can take care of myself, Lum," he
states, trying to hide his nervousness. "Now run along."
"Okay, Darling," Lum flies out the window. "See you later!"
Ataru and Mie smile at each other, then together walk out the
door. This raises the suspicion of four male students nearby. One is
a homely guy with glasses and a nerd-like look about him. A second is
an obese fellow with crewcut hair. The third is rather short. The
fourth is tall and thin with curly hair. These are Lum's
Bodyguards...sometimes known as Lum's Storm Troopers...Aisuru Megane,
Daremo Kakugari, Urayamu Chibi and Shitto Paama. They have dedicated
their lives towards Lum's happiness, either by getting Lum and Ataru
to the altar...or getting rid of Ataru and taking Lum for themselves.
As Ataru and Mie depart, Megane's glasses fog over in anger. "The
library isn't that way!" he growls. "I sense something amiss here."
"Ataru's gonna cheat on Lum-chan again," Chibi disgustingly
spits out. "The idiot!"
"Poor Lum-san!" Megane drones, a reverent tone entering his
voice. "As her bodyguards, we must get to the bottom of this! I'll
tell Lum-san, the rest of you follow Ataru!"
"Right!" the other three roar in agreement.
Megane rushes away. Kakugari, Chibi and Paama look at each
other. "We must go in disguise or else Ataru'll suspect," the largest
of the guards announces.
"I know just the thing," the tallest of the guards smiles.
Minutes later, the guards are dressed in cow costumes.
"There," Paama muses. "We can go anywhere without raising suspicion."
"Good," Chibi says. "We'll keep in contact with
* * *
Ataru and Mie soon arrive at the park. It is the cherry
blossom season in Tokyo. The park is full of picnickers eating,
drinking and merry-making under the blossoming cherry trees. The two
students find a quiet spot where no one is around to watch them. They
do not suspect the trio of guards in cow costumes watching every move
they make. "Finally, we're away from Lum and anyone else who can
cause problems," Ataru lecherously snickers. "We can do anything we
Mie innocently stares at him. "Does that mean we're going to
He faints! *How naive can you get!* "Maybe later. So,
you're from Fukuoka, eh?"
"That's right. I'm from a small town on the southern part of
the prefecture named Yame. I'm not used to living in a large city. I
hope knowing that won't make you want to take advantage of me."
He looks nervous. Naive or not, she was quite perceptive.
"Of course not," he sputters. "I'd never do that to a girl. Let's
play a game."
"What sort of game?"
"Let me show you," Ataru slips his arm around her. "I put my
arm around you like this..."
Before she can react, he has her laying on her back with him
leaning over top of her...all having been witnessed by Kakugari.
"Kakugari to Megane," he whispers into his walkie-talkie. "They're
hugging each other...over."
"Understood," Megane's voice replies. "Lum-san is on her
way...over and out."
"This is a weird game you big city boys play," Mie hums, now
in a most compromising position.
"It's common here to play such a game with your date," Ataru
lies, "Now close your eyes."
Mie closes her eyes. A delighted grin splits his face.
*She's so naive, giving her a kiss is almost a crime!*
He moves in to kiss the unsuspecting girl...when he gets fried
by a lightning bolt from nearby! She jolts in shock upon seeing the
burnt remains of Ataru hanging over her. "It's a monster!!!"
Now out of her school uniform and dressed in her usual
tiger-striped bikini and knee-high boots, Lum literally fizzles with
electricity. "So, studying in the library, eh, Darling?" she coldly
intones, crossing her arms.
"Lum!" Ataru sputters. "What are you doing here? How did you
In answer, the guards appear out of the nearby bushes,
removing their disguises. "We told her you were here!" all three
Megane then appears. "I've told Mendou! He's coming with his
secret police to give you heaven-sent punishment!"
"And I came here with my spacializer," Lum says producing a
small object which looks like a cross between a corkscrew and a safety
pin from her bra. "Now I've got a question for you. What are you
doing with that girl?"
"What do you think?" another man's voice yells from behind
A katana appears out of nowhere, slashing the bushes away.
Out of the clearing, a very handsome Japanese boy with slicked back
black hair appears, now dressed in combat fatigues. This is Shutaro
Mendou, the heir to the powerful Mendou Corporation and chief rival to
Ataru's idiocy and lustfulness. "I heard you were cheating on
Lum-san, Moroboshi," Mendou declares. "I've come to fill the gaping
hole in her heart!!" he declares, grabbing the annoyed Lum's hands,
gazing lovingly into her eyes.
Such only serves to fuel Lum's anger. "I'll **leave** a
gaping hole in you!" she growls, fangs splayed, as she zaps Mendou
until he falls unconscious to the ground! She then turns to Ataru,
now cowering in fear. "Well, Darling," she hums. "What are you doing
with that girl?"
"Well...I....um," Ataru sputters.
Lum zaps Ataru again, this time into unconsciousness! "A
She walks over to pick up the unconscious Ataru. Mie looks at
her innocently. "Why are you hurting him?"
Before Lum could respond, Mendou suddenly appears beside the
Fukuoka native, surprsingly revived after the dose of electricity the
Oni heaped on him. "This has been done to save your life, Mie-san."
He points at Ataru's dazed face. "See these un-focused eyes, this
slack mouth, and this wet nose," he indicates details. "This is the
face of a total idiot. If you marry him, you'll have idiot children."
More incensed than ever, Lum zaps Mendou! "I won't allow you
to talk about Darling that way, Shutaro!!"
"I-idiot..." escapes from his lips before he passes out.
Mie shakes her head. "Oh, boy! He's an even bigger snob that
I first thought when he tried to date me!" she sighs, then stares at
Lum. "As I was asking before Supersnob got in the way, why are you
Lum balks. No girl in the two years she has been here, save
perhaps Shinobu in the early days, had ever directly confronted her
with her frequent employment of her powers to keep Ataru in line.
"Well, I..." the Oni stammers.
"Uh-huh," Mie suddenly nods. "You must get some kick zapping
the hell out of him, knowing he can't fight back."
The Oni jolts, the characters for HUSBAND ABUSER appearing
behind her. "Th-that's not true..." she stammers. "I...I'm just
keeping Darling away from possible bad influences. After all, he's my
"A lie and a half," Mie cuts in, causing Lum to jerk. "He
hardly acknowledges you as anything past a friend."
The Oni shudders, a mix of emotions suddenly storming on her
face, including anger and embarrassment. "Wh-what makes y-you say
th-that?!" she finally ventures.
"Du-uh!" utters from the Kyushu native's lips. "If he did
love you, would he be dating around?! You know the answer better than
Lum trembles. Sensing their favourite classmate's discomfort,
the guards exchange a knowing look. If Mie succeeded in punching
enough balloons in Lum's innocence, her happiness would be irrevocably
shattered. Easy way to solve that. "Listen, Seikou-san," Megane
leaps over and whispers into her ear.
Mie blinks, then a horrorstruck look appears on her face. "He
wanted to do what?!!"
"Of course," Megane replies. "He's that type of mentality."
Mie leaps over and grabs Ataru from Lum's arms. "Ataru
Moroboshi," she hoarsely utters, causing everyone to look nervous.
"What type of girl do you think I am?!!"
"W-what do you mean...?" he slurrs.
"Get it through your head! I..." she dramatically pauses.
Everyone tenses, ready to see Ataru get a beating. "...**I
DON'T SING RAP SONGS IN KARAOKE!!!!**"
An explosion occurs!! "What a naive girl!" Mendou exclaims as
Mie tramps off, leaving Ataru a candidate for the intensive care ward.
Lum sighs, then grabs Ataru and flies off. "From now on...I'm
staying with you wherever you go!"
Mendou and the guards grin, pleased that another attempt by
Ataru at hurting Lum was stopped. Unseen by them, Mie watches Ataru
disappear. *It's him!* a ferverent look crosses her face, her fingers
playing with a phoenix pendant. *He's the one I've been looking for
all this time! Now...if only I can remember why I was looking for
* * *
Over the next few days, Lum sticks to her promise of staying
as close to Ataru as possible. Whenever Ataru even thinks of looking
at another girl who is not older than his own mother, Lum lets him
have it with an electric shock. Finally, after Ataru buys a porno
magazine from a kiosk, Lum zaps Ataru from her starship, leaving him
burned to a crisp! "That does it!" Ataru angrily declares, slamming
the burnt remnants of the magazine to the ground. "I've had it! I
wish there was some way I could change history so I never met Lum!"
Then his memory reflects on his ill-fated date with Mie. He
remembers Lum showing the spacializer to him. *I got here by using my
An evil grin appears on Ataru's face. "I've got it," he
maniacally giggles. "I'll steal Lum's spacializer and use it to
change history so I never played Lum in the First Tag Race!! It's
the perfect plan!!!"
He laughs...until the old, ugly face of a dimunitive Buddhist
monk appears in from of him. "What a horrible sign!"
The monk is Cherry, also known as Sakurambou. Cherry is as
gluttonous as he is incompetent. He also has the annoying talent of
appearing suddenly in front of someone out of seemingly nowhere.
Ataru recovers from the fright of Cherry's ugly face, then looks at
the old monk angrily. "Cherry!!! What do you want?!!"
"I sense something very horrible is going to happen to you,"
the monk warns. "If you try to taper with the past, you'll doom the
present and yourself."
His reply is succinct; he drop-kicks the old monk into orbit!
"After I'm finished with Lum, you're next!!!"
"It's fate...!!" Cherry says, approaching escape velocity!
* * *
That night, the Moroboshi family finish dinner. As typical of
this family, Ataru's father Muchi reads his newspaper, ignoring the
entire world around him. His mother Kinshou busily clears away the
dishes with the help of Lum's cousin. Ataru relaxes on the floor
beside Lum who is cleaning the table itself. "Ugh! I'm stuffed," he
sighs. "Say, Lum, what is that spacializer thing you used a few days
"You mean this?" Lum pulls it out of her bra.
"You keep some strange things in your bra, Lum."
"It's just something that can make passageways to anywhere,
even through time," Lum explains. "But it can only go a maximum of
twelve years into the past or the future."
"I see," Ataru stands, stretching himself. "I'm going to bed.
You want to come, Lum?"
Lum looks surprised. "Darling," she stammers, "...y-y-you
"Of course, Lum. I insist on it."
Lum joyfully grabs Ataru and carries him up the stairs to his
room. Kinshou enters the living room to eavesdrop on what the two
teens are doing. Muchi is too engrossed in his newspaper to care.
"Well, it's nice to see Ataru and Lum finally sleeping together," she
happily muses...before she realizes what she has said. "**WHAT?!?!**"
she hits her head on the table, then turns to her husband. "Dear, did
you hear what *your* son is doing with *your* daughter-in-law in
"Uh-huh," Ataru's father quietly hums.
"So, what are you going to do about it?" she demands. "Say
Ataru's father lowers his newspaper and clears his throat.
"Yeah, Dad?" Ataru replies from the top of the stairs.
"Remember this when you're in bed with a girl..." he says
sternly, "...don't bite her!"
Kinshou faints! "***THAT'S FATHERLY ADVICE?!?!?!***" she
screams as she snatches the newspaper out of her husband's hands and
tears it apart maniacally!
Muchi seems not to notice the newspaper is gone.
* * *
Hours later, Lum and Ataru lay in a futon. The Oni is asleep,
while Ataru only pretends to be so. Carefully, Ataru shifts himself
towards Lum. "Lum, are you asleep?" he whispers.
Silence answers. Ataru notices Lum is in close enough
proximity that he can reach into her bra and grab her spacializer.
Nervously, he attempts to do so. *It's in her bra*, his nose drips
He slips his hand into her bra. A sleepy giggle emits from
the unsuspecting Oni. "Darling, don't do that in front of
Ataru draws out the spacializer. *Got it! Now to get out of
Stealthily, Ataru rises from the bed, changing from pyjamas
into T-shirt and jeans. Maintaining silence, he proceeds downstairs,
then slips on his shoes and walks out of the house. Once outside,
Ataru rushes down the street. He fails to notice Cherry watching him.
"It's fate," he prays. "Doom shall come to him."
Minutes later, Ataru arrives at a construction site. There,
he places the spacializer on the lip of one of the pipes laying there
waiting to be used as part of the sewer line. *This pipe should do
it*, he tries to remember the first time Lum used a spacializer, which
accidentally sent them ten years into the future. *Now, connect two
spaces and move the time liner back...back...*
Suddenly, the head of a huge purple dinosaur appears out of
the pipe! "I love you, you love me," it sings.
"Too far back!!!" Ataru yelps in surprise before he switches
the control to make the purple dinosaur's head disappear.
After about an hour of trial and error, Ataru looks into the
pipe to behold a computer room with an Oni soldier inside. *That must
be it!* he notices the soldier leaving the room. *Now's my chance!*
He slips into the pipe, immediately being projected through
space and time...
* * *
...before arriving rather abruptly at his destination. "Made
it!" he sighs, looking around. The computer room is normal for a
starship; huge with many processing banks filled with information.
Ataru notices the computers are actively calculating something.
"Let's see," he sits at a nearby terminal. "What's going on here?"
With a deftness one would not associate with him, Ataru taps
into the computer to discover that it is busy selecting Lum's opponent
for the First Tag Race. "I was right," he grins. "Now let's do a
After another bit of trial and error, the machine is halted
from selecting a possible opponent. He thinks for a minute. "Okay,
now who's gonna be my substitute?" he muses, then gets an idea. "I
know the perfect one for this!" Ataru types Aisuru Megane's name into
the computer. "That'll teach Megane for abusing me!" he chuckles,
pressing the ENTER button. "He always wanted Lum! Well, he'll get
his fill of her now!!"
Suddenly, he hears voices indicative of people coming to the
room. "The computer says there's a intruder in here," a voice says.
Standing, Ataru rushes to the part of the room which connects
to his time and leaps through it before a group of security officers
arrive, their guns drawn. "Anybody here?" an older officer with an
No response. Another soldier, a bald heavy-set one, scans
around the room with a tricorder. "There's nobody here now," he
"Let's go," the leader muses. "He must've escaped."
* * *
Unseen, Ataru watches them from the pipe he used to get there.
He smiles as he climbs out of the pipe and back into the present.
"It's done!" Ataru boasts at the full moon. "Now, I can go on dates
with any girl I want and Lum won't interfere at all!!! Megane'll get
all the shocks!!!" With a whoop of victory, he tears off down the
street. "I'm free!!!" he yells, "I'm free!!! My youth has been
handed back to me!!!"
Ataru however forgot one thing: Lum's spacializer. It is
still attached to the lip of the pipe. A small red light silently
flashes on it.
Meanwhile, Ataru walks triumphantly down the street, smiling.
He notices that Tomobiki seemingly has not changed in his new present.
"Maybe I should head to Megane's house to see how he's coping with
Lum," he snickers.
He changes direction and proceed towards Megane's house. He
walks by a manhole. After he passes it, it opens and a pair of small,
slanted eyes peer out from the sewer underneath the cover. "That
fool," an old voice whispers. "He'll be the death of us yet."
Ataru walks to the bus stop, noticing a sign there: BECAUSE
OF THE CURFEW, ALL NIGHT BUSES HAVE BEEN CANCELLED UNTIL FURTHER
NOTICE. "Curfew?!" Ataru hums, puzzled. "What curfew?! I'll walk
He walks on, not noticing a very short figure with small,
slanted eyes following him from the shadows. Blinking as some sixth
sense alerts him to the possibility of being followed, Ataru turns,
but sees no one following him. "Funny," he scratches his head. "I
could've sworn I saw someone following me."
Ataru moves on. The figure continues to pursue, making sure
to stick to the shadows. An hour or so later, Ataru arrives on the
street where Megane lives. Ataru notices after all the time he has
been walking around, he has yet to come across another human being.
He checks his watch, confirming that it is only ten o'clock.
*Strange*, he hums, *...there's nobody around this early at night? I
Ataru walks further down the street. He fails to notice a
poster of an Oni girl who looks like Lum wearing a military uniform of
blood red, trimmed in black instead of her usual tiger-striped bikini.
The girl is posing with several Terrans in a pose that looks
non-threatening. The caption: LUM IS YOUR FRIEND.
Underneath the caption, someone has spray-painted LIKE HELL!
Ataru nears Megane's house, snickering in anticipation over
what he might find there. "I wonder how Megane likes Lum now?" he
laughs. "He's probably zapped into nothingness by now."
The destination reveals something Ataru did NOT expect...the
entire house is a burnt-out shell covered with graffiti stating
LOSER!!!! Ataru is speechless for a second. "Megane's house?" he
stammers. "It's destroyed! But how?!"
Suddenly, a very ugly face appears in front of Ataru. "Hey,
Ataru faints! He notices the ugly face belongs to none other
than Cherry. "Damn it, Cherry!!!" he clobbers the old monk with a
nearby lamppost! "Why'd you sneak up on me like that for?!!"
"Sorry," Cherry groans. "We've been worried about you."
"Worried about me?" Ataru looks surprised. "Since when did
you ever really care for me?!" he sarcastically inquires.
"Come," the old monk grabs Ataru by the arm and begins to drag
him away. "We must go. Mendou and the others are waiting for us!"
"Wait a minute!" the teenager pulls in the other direction.
"What's going on?"
"There's no time to explain," Cherry replies. "I don't know
why I should bother! Your face looks even worse than ever."
"Some things never change," Ataru mutters under his breath,
but then relents, deciding to allow the old fool his moment of fun.
In moments, Cherry directs Ataru to a nearby manhole and opens
it. "You first," he ushers Ataru to the manhole.
Ataru recoils from the strong odor eminating from the sewer.
"You want me to walk through a sewer?" he snaps disgustedly. "No way!
I rather walk in the street."
He turns away but Cherry appears in front of him on stilts so
the tiny monk can stare straight into Ataru's eyes. "No arguing!" he
growls. "There's a curfew and we'll be both arrested if the security
patrol catches us!"
Ataru looks shocked. "S-Security patrol...?!"
Cherry pushes the dumbfounded teenager backwards into the
manhole. Ataru screams all the way down until he hits the cement
below head-first. Before Ataru can recover, Cherry falls on his back
and knocks the wind out of him. "Just in time," Cherry states
"What do you mean?" Ataru groans before he hears a growing
rumbling going over head of them. "What's that?!!"
Cherry clobbers him with his cane! "Ssh!" he hisses. "The
security patrol is coming by. They're looking for you."
"Me?" Ataru whispers.
"Yes," Cherry picks Ataru up, then drags him down the
dimly-lit tunnels. "You stole one of their pieces of high technology,
"I did?" Ataru's voice echoes.
"Ssh!" Cherry pleads with him. "They may have listening
devices. Come, I'll take you back to our base."
Cherry directs Ataru through a maze of dark, dirty, smelly,
rat-infested sewer tunnels. An hour passes. By that time, Ataru
looks bored. "Are we there yet?" he groans.
"Not far now," Cherry says.
Finally, they come to a wooden door. Cherry knocks three
times, then pauses, then knocks three more times, pausing again, and
knocks seven times before the door whips open and a Kuromegane dressed
in combat gear and armed with an Uzi appears. "Oh, it's you two," the
bodyguards sigh. "For a minute there, we thought it was the security
"But I gave the secret knock," Cherry protests as the two
enter the room.
The Kuromegane closes the door behind them. Ataru sees the
room is poorly lit and crowded with crates and other junk. He notices
at least a dozen people, mostly members of the Kuromegane (Mendou's
henchmen) or the Kurotenshi (Tobimaro's hench-women), standing around
talking or cleaning weapons. *What kind of place is this?* Ataru
wonders to himself. *What's happened to Tomobiki?*
Cherry leads Ataru through the crowd towards the other end of
the room. There in front of a huge red flag with the yellow letters
TUF stands Mendou with his main rival, Tobimaro Mizunokoji, both
dressed in khaki combat fatigues. They are standing in front of a
small wooden table covered with papers. A shadeless light glows over
top of them giving both future clan heads a harsh look about them. "I
have found Ataru," Cherry announces.
"About time," Mendou snorts, "I hope you got rid of that
"Yeah," Ataru says. "I did."
"Thank the Gods you made it," a female voice exclaims from
Ataru turns...to see Shinobu coming out of a side door on the
wall beside Ataru. She is dressed in a baggy dark green military
uniform with a bandanna around her forehead. She runs into Ataru's
arms, kissing him on the mouth. "I was so worried about you,
Ataru-kun," she sighs.
*Wow!!!* Ataru mentally gasps. *Shinobu was never that
friendly when Lum was around!!* Ataru remembers the Shinobu Miyaki of
old being filled with destructive bitterness, mainly directed at him,
ending a love affair which had its roots in their early school days.
Relations between Ataru and Shinobu further soured when Mendou arrived
at Tomobiki High School and she, like every other girl in the school,
fell in love with the scion of the Mendou Clan. Unfortunately, Mendou
later learned to his horror that he must marry Asuka Mizunokoji in the
near future. By that time, Shinobu, who had wearied of Mendou's
willingness to play with other women's feelings, had divourced herself
emotionally of him, which made her more willing to embrace Inaba.
Shinobu looks at Ataru with the same look newly-married
couples have for each other. "You disappeared," she sighs. "We
thought Benten got you!"
"Benten?" Ataru looks surprised. "Why would she be after me?"
"She became the head of Lum's Security Forces since after the
Invasion of Earth, remember?" Shinobu replies.
Ataru faints! "***INVASION?!?!?!*** What invasion?!!"
"The invasion that took place after Aisuru Megane lost the
Great Tag Race to the Urusians," an older woman's voice says.
Ataru turns to see Sakura Sakurambou enter from another door
opposite to the one Shinobu came from. As stunning as ever, Sakura is
dressed in her Shinto priestess robes. "They took over the day after
he lost," she grimly adds.
"Sakura-san," Ataru mouth waters. "Were you worried about me
He leaps at Sakura, naturally getting clobbered by her spirit
*She still plays hard-to-get!* Ataru sighs. He remembers
Sakura, a Shinto priestess, not to mention Cherry's niece, being
Tomobiki High's health teacher and nurse. A beautiful, healthy, young
woman in her mid-twenties, Sakura was not always like that. In fact,
when she first met Ataru, she was almost on her death-bed from all the
spirits she absorbed from people she had exorcised. Unfortunately for
Ataru, all the spirits began haunting him. Since then, Sakura has
tried to look after Ataru's spiritual needs, while Ataru tries to look
after his more carnal impulses. As you can expect, neither are very
Shinobu notices the dumbfounded look on Ataru's face.
"Ataru-kun, are you okay? You act like this is all new to you!"
Ataru looks nervous. *Shit, I don't know anything about this
time. I'll just play the fool for now.* "It's nothing," he sighs,
trying to act natural.
Mendou bangs his fist on the table to draw everyone's
attention. "Enough of this!!! It's time to go over the finally plans
on our attack on Governor Lum's palace!!!"
Ataru feels the air around him go dark and cold. *G-governor
Shinobu notices his distress. "Ataru-kun? What's the
"I just remembered...I got hit by a baseball before Cherry
found me," Ataru lies as he rubs the back of his head.
Shinobu turns to Sakura. "Sakura-sensei, can you please check
Ataru-kun for bumps on his head?!"
"Of course," Sakura reluctantly sighs as she checks Ataru for
bumps by feeling around his hair with her hands. Unfortunately, she
stands in front of Ataru's face, giving him a good look of her
cleavage under her robes "I don't feel anything," she says.
"I certainly do," Ataru meows as he touches her breasts with
his hands. "What a soft chest!"
Expectantly, Sakura clobbers him over the head with a tanuki
statue! "I stand corrected," she growls. "It'll take weeks to
recover from the trauma that statue has caused on his head."
"Idiot!" Mendou sighs. "How could you forget the day Lum
became the head of our planet? She began by dismantling every private
security force in the world. Then she proceeded to make all of
Tomobiki itself her private capital. She took over all of the Mendou
Clan and the Mizunokoji Clan's factories and money for herself. She
even turned Tomobiki High School into her personal palace!
Fortunately, the Mendou and the Mizunokoji forces have got together
with other disenchanted people of Earth to form TUF...Tomobiki
Underground Force...in hopes of overthrowing Lum and freeing our
planet from her people's influences..."
Suddenly, a podium filled with microphones appears in front of
Mendou. His military uniform disappears in favour of a silk business
suit. Flashes from dozens of cameras appear. Mendou also wears a
ribbon politicians wear when they are running for office. A sign
saying VOTE FOR MENDOU hangs behind him. "Vote for me!" he yells into
the microphones, "...and you won't have to worry about the Recruit
Ataru looks at the display, clearly not impressed. *I see it
didn't take Mendou long to become a politician!*
* * *
Hours later, after Mendou finally ends a long, droning speech
about how much Earth would be better off without Lum in charge, Ataru
wanders around the base looking for where he lives. He finally finds
a door with his name on it and opens it. "All of this happened
because I used Lum's spacializer and changed history," he sighs.
"You'd think a moron like Megane would've thought of a way to beat Lum
before the ten days were up!"
Ataru turns on a light, then notices his furnishings are
little more than a dresser and a double bed. Everything is reasonably
clean for being in a sewer. The room is barely large enough to be a
closet, let alone an apartment. Ataru yawns, stretching himself.
"I'll see what I can do tomorrow."
"What are you doing tomorrow, Ataru-kun?" Shinobu appears
suddenly behind him.
"Er...nothing," he looks shocked. "I'm just tired because of
Mendou's boring speech."
"Mendou sure likes to talk, doesn't he?" Shinobu enters the
room, sits on his bed, and begins to remove her boots.
Ataru looks surprised to see Shinobu willingly entering his
room and sitting on his bed. "Um, Shinobu...w-what are you doing?"
Shinobu looks at Ataru strangely. "What do you mean 'what am
I doing?' I live here with you remember? We're married!"
Ataru faints! Shinobu looks surprised by her husband's
Ataru immediately picks himself up off the floor. "Sorry," he
sweats, "I forgot! I got hit on the head, remember?"
"How could you forget?" Shinobu removes her uniform pants.
"Sakura married us shortly after we joined the TUF. Have you
forgotten why we joined?"
Ataru looks dumbly. "Yeah."
"We joined after Lum had your grandmother executed for
harbouring anti-government rebels on Rishiri-tou."
Horror appears on his face. "I see..."
"I'm so tired," Shinobu removes her uniform shirt to reveal
herself wearing tiger-stripped underwear...and possessing a very
bloated stomach, "...and the kid's getting active."
Ataru looks shocked. "S-Shinobu, you're..."
"Pregnant?" she sighs. "Don't tell me you forgot that, too?"
Ataru faints! After Shinobu revives Ataru, he removes his
clothes to go to bed. Shinobu sleeps as close to Ataru as her bloated
stomach allows. Ataru holds her. "Shinobu?" he asks. "Whatever
happened to Megane after Lum beat him?"
"Nobody knows for sure," she replies. "Some say he died when
his whole family was lynched. Others say he lives with Lum in her
palace. I take it you forgot that as well."
"Yeah," he answers Shinobu, then sighs. *Poor Megane...I
should've picked Mendou!*
Shinobu lays over Ataru to stare into his eyes. "Enough
history, Ataru-kun," she quietly whispers. "Let's dream about the
free world we'll have after Lum and the aliens are gone and our baby
Shinobu kisses Ataru passionately. *Well, some things aren't
too bad in this time!*
* * *
An hour or so later, Ataru pretends to be asleep, while
Shinobu snores away without a care. *I can't live in a time like
this*, he sighs. *I never suspected Megane might lose to Lum. And
He looks to the ceiling, his mind's eyes picturing the woman
who is perhaps the closest thing he has to a real family. Strange.
He had not thought of her in almost three years, since before Lum
arrived, when he was planning to move out of his parents' house,
sensing even then the lack of real love directed towards him by Muchi
and Kinshou. Lum's arrival put the kibosh on that. Since then, there
had been times when he had been tempted to call his grandmother in on
Lum, but his mother (usually using Lum) had always blocked that.
Eventually, Ataru decided to keep silent about his grandmother. That
was helped thanks to the mutual hatred Kinshou and her mother-in-law
felt for each other. Given Lum's more than overwhelming presence in
his life, keeping someone like his grandmother in reserve was a smart
idea. *I can't let her stay dead...* Ataru shakes his head, then
realizes something. *Wait!! I'll use that spacializer again and make
a better future than this.*
Ataru slowly sneaks out of bed, careful not to wake Shinobu.
He puts his clothes on and tries to find the spacializer in his
pockets. *I thought I put it in my pocket*, he thinks as he searches
for the small device, then realizes he does not have it! *I lost
it!!!* he panics in his mind. *How can I change history without that
He remembers that he left the spacializer attached to the pipe
he used to go through time originally with. *That's right...I must've
left it at the construction site.*
Ataru then finishes dressing and sneaks out of the base,
careful not to wake anyone...
* * *
To be concluded...
Urusei Yatsura - The Senior Year: "Alternate Lum-san" Part 2 of 2
by Mike Smith
Read Road, R.R. #5, Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario L0S 1J0 Canada
**** **** ****
transmitted by Patrick Vera
**** **** ****
First in a series of fan-fiction stories based on "Urusei Yatsura,"
created by Rumiko Takahashi
**** **** ****
IN PART ONE OF "ALTERNATE LUM-SAN," after Ataru was again caught by
Lum attempting to date another girl, he decides to avenge himself on
her by making use of her spacializer (her time-travel device) to go
back in time and alter history so that he would never have been
"engaged" to her. Successfully doing so by making Megane the victim
of the Urusians' plans, Ataru finds himself in a very different
future...one in which Earth LOST the Tag Race against the Urusians.
In this future, his classmates and friends from Tomobiki have now
formed a resistence movement against "Governor" Lum, who has now made
Tomobiki her capital. In a future where Ataru's grandmother was
supposedly killed on Lum's orders, Ataru decided to make use of the
spacializer to attempt to transform history again...
**** **** ****
And Now...ON WITH THE SHOW!!!!
**** **** ****
Agonizing minutes later, Ataru manages to get out of the sewer
and up to the deserted streets of Tomobiki. Immediately recognizing
where he is, Ataru keeps to the alleyways and back streets of the town
so he would not be seen by the roving patrols of Oni troops supported
by the local Terran police.
Finally, over an hour later, Ataru arrives at the same
construction site he left earlier. He notices dawn is breaking.
Ataru sneaks into the construction site and rushes to the pipe he used
to go through time before. As luck would have it, the spacializer is
still hanging there ready for use. *I was right!* he sighs. *Now to
Ataru starts to fiddle with the controls once again. But, as
soon as he begins, a bright orange spotlight shines upon him. Ataru
turns to face the source of the spotlight. "Freeze, sucker!!!" a
course-sounding woman's voice demands. "Hands up!!!"
Too surprised to do anything but what the voice orders, Ataru
immediately lifts his hands in the air. "Don't shoot!" he pleads,
knees shivering in fear. "I've got a wife and family!"
Ataru notices the shape of a woman in the middle of the
spotlight walking towards him. As she walks nearer to him, Ataru
begins to notice more details of her. "So, it's Ataru Moroboshi," she
coldly snorts. "One of the Governor's most wanted criminals."
Ataru notices that the woman is wearing a red and black
military uniform that looks similar to the Gestapo uniforms he has
seen in pictures from World War II. Silver chains are used as a belt.
Her long black hair is stuffed into a hat giving her pretty face a
mannish quality to it. Save for a short scar across her left cheek
and the cruel looking eyes, Ataru immediately recognizes the girl as
Benten Shigaten, Ataru remembers, is one of Lum's best friends
after Lan and Oyuki. From the planet of Fukunokami, Benten has a
short, explosive temper only equalled to Shinobu's. He first met
Benten at the Winter's End War the Fukunokami and the Urusians have
every year as a festival. During it, Benten used Ataru into tricking
Lum to lose the bomb-tossing ceremony for her side. "Benten...?" Ataru
Benten answers by punching him in the face. "That's
**General** Benten to you, scum!!!"
Ataru notices that he is now hopelessly surrounded by both Oni
and Terran troops, all of which have their guns drawn and pointed at
him. Benten turns away for a moment to pick up the spacializer. "The
homing device built into this spacializer did its job," she grins.
"As soon as it used, it tells us where it is." She then cruelly
stares at her prisoner. "The Governor will be pleased to see you,"
she growls. "I'm sure to get a medal for this!"
Suddenly, three ragged, dirty, young men rush up to Benten
eagerly. Ataru notices they are Paama, Kakugari and Chibi. "General
Benten," Paama says eagerly. "See?! We told you we saw this fool use
the spacializer here!"
"So you did," Benten smiles churlishly, reaching into her
uniform pocket. "Here's your reward for the information." Benten
pulls out a handful of coins and banknotes out of her pocket and drops
them into Paama's eager hands. "Don't spend it all in one place,"
Benten says coldly. "Now scram before I run you three in for health
"Thank you, General! Thank you!" the three bow in unison
before they rush away into the early dawn's early light.
Benten and Ataru watch them go. "Collaborators," she sighs.
"What would we do without them? Let's take this jerk away."
Before Ataru can protest, he is grabbed by two huge muscular
Oni soldiers and dragged to a waiting tiger-striped personnel carrier
that looks like a cross between a tank and a bus. "Let me go!! Let
me go!!!" Ataru protests as he is dragged to the open side door of the
Benten whacks him on top of the head. "Quiet!" she orders,
"...or I'll add disturbing the peace to your list of crimes!"
The two guards throw Ataru into the personnel carrier and
follow Benten inside. "In ya go!" one of them sneers as Ataru is
thrown hard enough to almost send him through the other side of the
"Ow!!! Watch it!!" Ataru rubs the bump on his head.
The carrier has a row of seats ringing three out of the four
walls. At the front, there are seats for the drivers. There is
enough room for a platoon of soldiers and their equipment inside.
Benten and several soldiers enter the carrier and sit around Ataru,
keeping a close watch on the sex-crazed student so he does not escape.
Benten sits in front of him. "Call headquarters and tell them we have
a candidate for the Governor's secret prison," she orders one of the
drivers. "Tell the patrols to sweep the area for any more TUF members
looking for this idiot, too. Let's go!"
The driver guns the motor of the carrier and nearly sends
everyone inside out the back wall of the vehicle with the sudden burst
of speed. The carrier rockets down the streets of Tomobiki nearly
running over anything that cannot get out of its path in time.
Looking out of a small window, Ataru notices he is headed to Tomobiki
The school looks a lot different than the one he knows. He
notices several tanks and armed Terran and Oni soldiers guarding the
main gate and the grounds. The carrier zooms through the open gate
nearly running over the guards stationed there before coming to a
sudden stop in front of the front door of the school. Inside the
carrier, the sudden deceleration causes everyone to fall into a pile
at the front of the carrier! Ataru notices he is on top of Benten
with his hands on her breasts. Ataru smiles nervously. Benten looks
ready to explode in anger. "Pervert!" she swats him away. "Good
thing I was briefed about you!! Get off!!!"
Ataru flies into the waiting arms of the same two huge Oni
troops who dragged him into the carrier originally. They drag him
away. "Wait!" Ataru cries. "Don't I get a phone call?!"
Benten clobbers him with a phone booth. "Take him to Cell
All the soldiers look nervous. "C-cell One?" one stammers.
"But that's where..."
"I **know** who's there!" she growls. "Take him there!"
The soldiers reluctantly do as they are told. Ataru protests
all the way into the school. "Let me go!" he repeats over and over
again loudly to no avail.
Benten watches them go. *We finally got this one. *Lum'll
sleep better now knowing he's behind bars. So will half the woman on
As Ataru struggles with the guards, he notices his school is
swarming with soldiers of both races. There is no sign of any
students or teachers. He does see Lum's childhood "friend" Lan,
dressed in a military dress uniform of high rank, her red hair in a
military bun, walking by with Lum's ex-boyfriend, the very handsome
dim-witted Rei, dressed in a uniform of similar rank. They pay Ataru
and the soldiers no mind. *Lan and Rei together?*
Inside the school, everything that could prove this building
was built for educational purposes has been removed. There are flags
and decorations from the planet Uru everywhere. Most of the personnel
inside are dressed in military uniforms either from Earth's military
or Uru's. All pay Ataru and the soldiers no mind as he is dragged
further into the school building. He is dragged down into the
basement. Ataru sees his tomboyish classmate Ryuunosuke Fujinami and
her father busy cleaning up an interrogation cell filled with human
blood. "I wish the prisoners wouldn't bleed so much after the
interrogators hit them," Mr. Fujinami sighs as he scrubs the floor
with a mop. "Blood is so hard to get off tile."
"You think that's bad," Ryuunosuke scrubs the walls with a
scrub brush. "Try the blood on the walls and the ceiling."
Mr Fujinami turns to her angrily. "That's a **man's** job!!!"
"I'm a **girl!!!**" Ryuunosuke punches into the sky!
"Some things never change," Ataru sighs.
Finally, the soldiers drag Ataru down a darkened corridor
towards a grey steel door marked CELL ONE: NO ADMITTANCE WITHOUT
AUTHORIZATION! THIS MEANS YOU! Ataru notices the door is heavily
locked. A soldier pulls out a handful of keys and unlocks the side of
the door with *no* locks on it. The door opens with a rusty screech
normally associated with prison films. Inside Ataru sees the room is
totally dark. But before his eyes can adjust to the darkness, the
guards throw Ataru into the cell, and slam the door behind him. Ataru
lands on his stomach hard. "In you go, trash," one of the guards
mocks. "I hope you'll enjoy your stay and your cell-mate."
Ataru feels nervous about the guards use of the word
'cell-mate.' *Oh, great!! What sort of psycho is in this place?*
"So, they've decided to give me a cell-mate again," a
mournful, almost aniacal, voice comes from the darkness. "I hope
you're better than the last ne. He didn't taste very good."
Ataru turns around in terror and rams his back into the door.
"W-who a-are y-you?"
Then a bright light fills the room and temporarily blinds
Ataru. When his eyes clear, Ataru stands face to face with Aisuru
Megane! "Shit, it's only you, Megane," Ataru sighs with relief. "I
thought it was someone really strange."
"I remember you, Ataru Moroboshi," Megane snorts.
Ataru notices that Megane is reasonably well taken care of
save for the fact that his hair is long and his face is unkempt. He
wears a grey jumpsuit which looks like a prison uniform of some kind
and carries a teddy bear in his hands. His eyes have the look of
someone who has lost his sanity. In fact, he has printed on his
forehead the words OUT OF ORDER. His thick glasses magnify the
madness within him. "I remember the girl chasing moron who was my
classmate!" he growls. "What are you here for? Impersonating a human
"I'm a member of TUF," Ataru says nervously.
Megane laughs. "You?!! A member of TUF?!! Are things that
bad outside we must depend on morons like you to free us from my
shame?!! I'm glad to be in here now!!!" His laughter echoes around
the room. He runs around the sparsely furnished cell laughing
uncontrollably until he starts jumping on the bed.
"Cut it out, Megane, you idiot!" Ataru hisses. "I'm not the
Ataru you know!"
Megane suddenly appears in front of Ataru, staring maniacally
into his eyes. "What do you mean?! I can recognize that dazed, dopey
expression anywhere! I wonder how'd they catch a moron like you.
Send a spy to sleep with you?!"
Ataru whacks Megane with a sledgehammer. "Look, dope!" he
growls into Megane's ear. "I'm from another time. One in which I was
the one who fought Lum in the First Tag Race, not you! You know what
else?! I won!"
Megane looks confused. "So why are you telling me this?! If
that's true, why are you here?!"
"Well, Lum kept pestering me so I stole a weird object called
a spacializer from her and went into the past and changed history so
that you fought Lum instead of me..."
Ataru then realizes he said something he ought not have.
Megane's face turns from a look of semi-madness to outright lunacy!
He grabs Ataru by the shirt and starts shaking him violently.
"***WHAT?!?!?!***" the deranged ex-classmate screams at the top of his
lungs. "***YOU MEAN YOU CAUSED MY MISERY?!?!?! I'LL...!!!!***"
He picks up a small table. "Thank you for my misery," he
yells, whacking Ataru with the table until it breaks!
"Thank you!" he repeats several times as he replaces the table
for the sink until it breaks!!
Megane then starts hitting him with the bed and repeating
'thank you' even faster than before!!! Megane thrashes Ataru
mercilessly. Outside the cell, the Fujinamis listen to the yells and
the sounds of the pounding. "Sounds like Prisoner One is busy again,"
Mr. Fujinami says to Ryuunosuke. "He really loves visitors."
"I don't think that's love," Ryuunosuke returns to cleaning.
Finally, Megane has his fill of beating up Ataru and stands
over his badly beaten body. Damaged furniture and fixtures are
everywhere, broken because Megane clobbered Ataru with them! But, the
biggest surprise is Ataru is still alive after such a beating!!
"W-wait, Megane..." Ataru groans, his mouth full of broken teeth,
"...I can change it!"
"Whaddaya mean?" Megane yells.
Ataru sits up. One of his eyes is swollen shut from repeated
punches. His entire body is covered with bumps and bruises. His
clothes are torn. He looks like a candidate for intensive care, when
miraculously he heals completely! "I was about to change things again
when Benten caught me."
"How'd you heal so fast?" Megane asks.
"Artistic license," Ataru replies. "Besides, I'm still better
than you! Listen, I heard that TUF is planning an attack here soon!!
If we can get my spacializer back and escape, we can change history
and make a better one!"
Megane thinks a minute. "Where does that leave me?"
"With a better future! Will you do it?"
"To finally escape here?! Of course!"
"Good!" Ataru says as he offers his hand for a handshake.
"Anything for a friend," Megane says as he takes Ataru's hand
and shakes it. Unnoticed by either of the two prisoners, both are
thinking to themselves about getting rid of the other at the earliest
* * *
That morning, news of Ataru's capture and the recovery of
Lum's spacializer hits the Earth news outlets. Like all
dictatorships, the press is controlled until the government decides on
what gets told.
The "official" story is this: some time during the night two
days ago, Ataru Moroboshi allegedly stole onto the grounds of Tomobiki
High School and into the bedroom of Governor Lum herself. There he
allegedly stole several pairs of Lum's tiger-stripped underwear and a
spacializer before escaping. Oddly enough, Ataru had access to
several high security files and a chance to execute Lum and many of
her cabinet. He never considered doing so. According to the
newscasts, the crime Ataru did shocked everyone involved...save for
Ataru's own parents, who, like always, wished Ataru was never born.
At TUF headquarters, Mendou, Shinobu, Sakura, Cherry and the
rest of the Mizunokoji-Mendou Clan Forces watch the news of Ataru's
arrest on a small black-and-white television set which looks like it
has seen better days. After the report finishes, Mendou turns the
television off. "That fool better not talk if he knows what's good
"Something's wrong," Shinobu says with concern. "He was
acting weird last night. Like everything was new to him."
Cherry sucks in a big mouthful of cup ramen into his mouth.
"I sense more bad luck coming for Ataru," the old monk says grimly.
"Doom and Death are coming for him!"
"Enough mumble-jumble, Cherry," Mendou sighs. "We've got two
jobs to do tonight. Capture Lum and her cabinet and free Ataru.
Although I don't know, maybe we should just let him be executed by
Shinobu bounces a large crate off of Mendou's head! "How can
you say that?!" the pregnant teen growls defensively. "Ataru-kun is
one of us!!"
Mendou looks at Shinobu, taking her by the hand. "I know how
you feel, Shinobu," he says with stars in his eyes. "That moron's
your husband. However, he's totally incompetent. The last mission I
sent him on proved so. Stealing women's underwear instead of killing
everyone there. How dumb can you get? I'd bet he's in league with
Lum and her cabinet."
The last comment angers Shinobu immediately. She grabs hold
of a crate the size of a piano. Unfortunately, there were soldiers
still sitting on it when she lifted it. They barely have time to leap
off before the crate is over the pregnant girl's head! "**YOU TAKE
Mendou notices there are two dozen Kuromegane and Kurotenshi
cowering behind him in fear. "Please protect us from this monster,
Ultra-Man," they plead.
"Who's going to protect me?" Mendou demands.
Finally, Sakura leaps in between them to stop the dispute
before things get out of hand. "Wait!" she calls out. "Fighting
amongst ourselves will solve nothing! We must save Ataru before we're
all in jail."
"Sakura's right, Shinobu," Mendou pleads. "I'm sorry for what
"You'd better be!" Shinobu snarls, slowly lowering the crate,
"...or else this helpless little pregnant girl will cripple you!"
Everyone looks relieved Shinobu has calmed down. "Let's get
ourselves ready for tonight," orders Mendou.
* * *
Meanwhile, back at Tomobiki High School, the door to Cell One
bursts open, spilling bright light onto the sleeping Ataru. A pair of
huge guards enter and roust Ataru out of bed. Ataru has been sleeping
on the floor on a couple of bed sheets. "Hey, jerk!" screams one of
the guards. "Get up!"
Ataru looks dopily to the guard. He notices the guard has a
real ugly face, so ugly in fact, it scares him awake. "Yikes!!!" he
bolts to his feet. "Cherry!!!"
Suddenly, Ataru feels a fist slamming on top of his head! He
turns and sees Benten standing behind him looking angry. "Quit
complaining!!! It's time for your interrogation!!"
"I-interrogation?" Ataru looks nervous.
Benten looks upset over Ataru's dazed and confused look on his
face. "Get moving!" she whacks Ataru again! "The Governor's a busy
woman! You're lucky she has time for you this year!"
Again Ataru finds himself dragged around the school by two
muscular, ugly goons led by Benten. This time, Ataru is being dragged
to an office on the other side of the building on the third floor.
They stop at a door marked THE GOVERNOR over THOSE WISHING TO
ASSASSINATE THE GOVERNOR, USE BACK ENTRANCE.
Benten enters first. Ataru notices there is an Oni girl
dressed in a military uniform at a desk there. She immediately stands
at attention to her superior as soon as she notices her. "I've
brought the prisoner for interrogation!" Benten barks at the
"Go right in, ma'am!" she salutes, "The Governor is waiting!"
Benten, the guards, and Ataru enter another office. Ataru is
quick to notice that the office is well furnished. Filing cabinets
line the walls. Lum sits behind a paper-filled desk. Like everyone
else, Lum wears a military uniform with a high rank insignia. Her
long green hair is tied in a French knot. Ataru notices the coldness
in her eyes replacing the sweetness he once knew. "It's about time we
got you," Lum says. "Bring him over here for the interrogation."
Before the guards can bring Ataru to a waiting chair in front
of Lum's desk, Ataru escapes the guards' strong grips and with
impossible speed, rushes up to Lum to embrace her in his arms. "Lum!"
Ataru cries. "Am I glad to see you! Give your poor Darling a hug!"
"Am I supposed to know you, Moroboshi?" Lum says coldly,
zapping Ataru until he lets go!
Ataru drops to the floor. Benten picks him up and slams him
like a basketball onto a nearby chair. "Hey, siddown!" she growls.
"Don't act so familiar with the Governor!" She then pulls out the
spacializer from one of her uniform pockets and hands it to Lum. "We
found him in a construction site trying to use this."
"I see," Lum hums. "Why did you steal it and my underwear?"
Ataru faints! "I stole your underwear?"
"Twelve pairs," Benten reports. "We've got the pictures to
She then shows Ataru a dossier full of photos of Ataru
sneaking in, stealing Lum's underwear, and sneaking out. He notices
he posed for the camera in each shot as if they were holiday
snapshots, not evidence. "There's no doubt it's a moronic boob like
you!" Benten takes the dossier away. "No one's that stupid!"
"Now tell the truth," electricity sizzles around Lum. "Why
did you steal my spacializer?" she zaps him!
"I'll tell!" Ataru groans. "I did it for TUF to help make
passageways anywhere we wanted. We couldn't get it to work, so they
wanted to get rid of it."
Lum stops zapping Ataru, then confers with Benten. *Maybe
changing history wasn't such a good idea*, Ataru sighs.
"We don't believe you!" Lum states abruptly. "General, take
Moroboshi to your torture chamber and get the truth!"
A twisted grin appears on Benten's face. "It'll be my
pleasure, Governor!" she leads Ataru and the two guards out of Lum's
Ataru protests all the way out of the office and through the
building. Lum suddenly looks sad. She turns to a picture of Jariten
on her desk. *So that's Ataru Moroboshi. Funny, I feel sad for what
is about to happen to him. But, he's the enemy, isn't he? This job
must be getting to me. Ten-chan, you're lucky you're a kid. Being
the leader of a planet that hates you sucks!*
Lum sighs and looks up at the ceiling. *Maybe I should've
joined Nassur-sensei and become a bounty hunter like he wanted me to
after beating Megane. But, Daddy said this was a better job than
hunting people for profit. Yet...I still have this feeling I should
have played tag with someone else and lost.* She then shudders upon
thinking of what is happening back home. *But with the Zephyrites
occupying Uru, I wonder if that's going to matter any more...!*
Lum stands and looks out her office window. There she sees a
group of soldiers marching around. *Maybe I should resign. That
would get the Zephyrites to probably back away before they unleash a
Holy Crusade on us! But...who would replace me then? Lan is an
airhead. Rei's too stupid. Oyuki's too caring. And Benten? She
enjoys her work a little too much!*
She sits back down at her desk and lays on it. "I'm so
Lum fails to notice the flock of crows flying past her window.
* * *
Meanwhile, Benten and her entourage arrives as what was once
the school gym. Upon entering, Ataru notices all the gym equipment is
gone, replaced by torture equipment of all kinds. "Welcome to my
torture chamber, Moroboshi," Benten gleefully cackles. "I hope you'll
like what my babies'll do to you!"
Benten leads Ataru and the guards to a nearby table with
leather straps on it. "I've got the perfect device for you!" she
boasts. "It's designed to tickle you into talking! Guards, get him
The guards dutifully place Ataru on the table and strap him to
it. Then they remove his shoes and socks. Benten moves to a nearby
console. "He's ready, sir," a guard reports once Ataru is
sufficiently tied down and helpless.
"He's helpless now!" she grins.
Suddenly, Ataru appears behind Benten and taps her behind the
knees. "Say, Benten, don't you know you're beautiful when you're
Benten clobbers Ataru with a sledgehammer! The guards look at
the bonds and find they are still secured. "Idiot!" she snarls. "How
did he do that?"
Minutes later, Ataru is again strapped to the table of the
machine. This ime, the bonds are tighter so there is no escape.
"There!" Benten boasts. Try to escape from that! Now, let's start!"
Benten presses a stud on the console. A pair of huge
mechanical hands appear beside Ataru and begin to tickle his entire
body. Ataru laughs uncontrollably. While that goes on, Benten speaks
into a microphone. "Why did you steal the spacializer?"
"I told you, for TUF!" Ataru giggles.
"Wrong answer!" Benten says, turning a dial on the console
making the hands tickle Ataru faster. Unfortunately, the stress of
being tickled so hard causes him to pass out. "Damn it!" she sighs.
"Passed out on the lowest setting! I didn't even get to enjoy it
* * *
Meanwhile, outside the palace's back gate, night has fallen.
The streets are empty once again. A manhole cover lifts open and
several armed people wearing black clothing with camouflage make-up
on their faces climb out. One of them is Mendou. Also there are
Shinobu, Sakura, Cherry and Tobimaro. Everyone else is either a
Kuromegane or a Kurotenshi. All climb out trying not to be seen by
guards or foot patrols. The group huddles together for a final
conference. "Okay, this is it," Mendou whispers. "Is everyone clear
on what they should be doing?"
Everyone quietly shakes their heads 'yes.' "Good," he smiles.
"After we take out the guards, we split up. Half of us will follow
Shinobu to free Moroboshi. The rest of us will go capture Lum and her
cabinet. Try not to kill too many of them before we had a chance to
interrogate them. Let's do it!"
The force breaks evenly into two groups which go in separate
directions around the walls of the palace. One group is lead by
Mendou, the other by Tobimaro. Sticking to the shadows to sneak past
wayward patrols. They meet at the front gate. Most of the guards
there in the daytime have left for their barracks, leaving only a few
guards on duty. Sticking to the walls, both teams sneak up to the
main gate. The guards chat amongst themselves not suspecting what is
going to happen soon. When the leaders reach the front gate. Mendou
takes a grenade, pulls the pin, and rolls it towards one of the
guards. The grenade taps one of the guards on the foot. The guard
looks down as the grenade explodes as if on cue!
Suddenly, the remaining guards on duty try to prepare
themselves for an attack. Unfortunately, they run into a hail of
gunfire from the TUF. Before they can mount a counterattack, half the
guards on duty are down on the ground, the rest are either defending
their position or retreating into the palace!!
* * *
In her apartment, Lum, dressed in a tiger-striped teddy and
reading a report at her dinner table, hears the sounds of battle. She
rushes to the draped window and opens the drape wide enough to see
what is going on. "An attack!" she gasps. "I'd better get to my
office and start destroying records!"
Lum grabs her uniform which was hanging over a nearby chair
and rushes out of her apartment to get to her office...
* * *
Meanwhile, the TUF have made an advance into the foyer,
driving Lum's forces further into the palace. During a lull in the
battle, Shinobu walks up to Mendou. "That was easy," the pregnant
girl says with relief. "I'll get going and free my husband!"
"Right," Mendou nods. "See you at the rendezvous!"
Shinobu goes down a stairway with a handful of men, while
Mendou goes up the same stairway with a handful of men...
* * *
Meanwhile in the gym, Ataru, revived from his earlier
encounter with Benten's tickle machine, is being tickled again. This
time, the machine is on its maximum setting. Ataru laughs so loudly
he drowns out the sounds of the battle. "Talk, Moroboshi!" Benten
screams into the microphone, "...or die laughing!"
Suddenly, there is the sound of an explosion!! Benten turns
to the main entrance and notices it opening. Stepping from behind the
door is one of the huge guards looking like he was just blown up.
"General!" the guard manages to gasp...before he is kicked out of the
way by Shinobu carrying a grenade launcher!
"Eat this, Benten!" Shinobu fires a grenade at Benten.
Benten ducks for cover and the grenade takes out the console
controlling the tickle machine! Ataru looks frazzled but relieved the
machine has been shut down permanently. Shinobu rushes up to her
husband and frees him from the leather straps holding him.
"Ataru-kun," she calls to him tenderly. "I'm glad you're okay!"
Ataru more or less falls off the table and into Shinobu's
arms. "T-thanks, Shinobu..."
"I'll take you out of here!" Shinobu says dragging Ataru away.
"Not so fast!" a voice cries from nearby.
Shinobu and Ataru look and see Benten standing there pointing
a machine gun-like weapon in her hands. "Slime!!! Prepare to die!!!"
"Like hell!" Shinobu drops Ataru like a bag of garbage to
point her grenade launcher at Benten again.
The two women fire at each other but do not hit anyone! Ataru
looks confused as to what to do next. *What do I do?* He sees a
ray-gun like weapon nearby marked DISINTEGRATING GUN. "A
disintegrating gun!" Ataru grabs it. "I'll stop this." Ataru leaps
into view of both of them. "Hey, girls, look!!!" he flashes the gun
in front of them.
"The disintegrating gun?!" Benten gasps, horror-struck.
"That's right," Ataru says pointing the gun at Benten. "And
I'll bet when this thing disintegrates, it disintegrates!"
"No, don't..." she cries out defensively.
Ataru pulls the trigger...and the gun disintegrates in Ataru's
hand! "Whattaya know," he embarrassingly giggles. "It
The people reading this clobber Ataru with a collection of
objects ranging from garbage to logs to a statue of Buddha!!!! "Knock
it off with the lame jokes and get that dumb spacializer, will you?!!"
Ataru digs himself out of the rubble and bolts for the door.
"I gotta get that spacializer!"
As he runs up the stairs and through the halls, Ataru dodges
bullets, laser beams, grenades, photon torpedoes, a rugby scrum, and
Ryouga Hibiki looking for directions. "Excuse me," Ryouga asks.
"Where is the Tendou doujou?!"
"I'm busy," Ataru runs by. "Go ask a cop!"
"Sorry!" Ryouga says before trudging off.
Finally, Ataru reaches the door of Governor Lum's office. The
door is open when he gets there. Before he realizes it, he closes the
door and smashes his body through it!
When he regains consciousness, Ataru notices the office is
empty save for one person inside the Governor's private office. Ataru
notices the person is Lum, dressed hastily in her uniform. She is
busy working at a computer sending files into cyberspace then deleting
them from her own computer banks. "If my forces can hold them off for
another hour," she hums to herself, "...all our records'll be safe."
Ataru enters the room. Lum stops what she is doing, then
prepares to fry the intruder with a lightning bolt. "So, it's you!
Ataru Moroboshi!" Lum holds her fire on recognizing him. "Escaped
from Benten, eh?! Are you here to take me prisoner or for this?!!"
Lum pulls out the spacializer from a desk drawer. Ataru looks
surprised that Lum would be naive enough to do such a thing but he
leaps at her anyway. "The spacializer!" he yells. "Gimme it!!
Lum flies to ceiling. Ataru lands face first on the desk,
breaking it in two with his chest. "I know your game," Lum lands
behind Ataru. "You want to change history so none of this ever
happened, don't you?"
Ataru picks himself up and turns to Lum. "Well..."
"Is that it?!" Lum growls into Ataru's face, bearing her
fangs, nearly sending him out of the window by the force of the growl.
"Y-yes, that's it."
Silence for a moment. "Fine then," Lum sighs, handing the
spacializer willingly. "Here."
Ataru looks surprised as he takes the spacializer from Lum.
"You're just giving it up? Why?"
Tears form in Lum's eyes. "You don't know how horrible it's
been being governor here," she sadly sighs. "At first, everyone liked
me...but some of my key personnel began making mistakes that angered
your people. I had to declare martial law and allow many outrages to
your people. What happened to your grandmother was the worst!"
Ataru stops, remembering what Shinobu said about her
grandmother's fate. "Is that it?!" he snaps. "That all you have to
say about what happened to my grandmother?!! She's probably the only
relative I have who still cares for me regardless of what I do!!! My
idiot parents or my absent uncle don't give a damn about me...!!!"
"No, you don't understand!!" Lum shakes her head. "Your
Ataru stops. "What...?!"
"She escaped!" the Oni sighs, relieved that Ataru is not angry
anymore. "We never knew that she had those monks from the Church of
the Holy Gatherer living with her! Lan's the one who's really
responsible for this. She believed that killing your grandmother
would decapitate all the resistance efforts against me, which is why
Rishiri-tou was attacked!"
"But, Lan telegraphed her intentions and your grandmother was
evacuated to Zephyrus," Lum sighs, looking down. "And that's when we
learned that she was seen by the Zephyrites as a Righteous Gentile!"
Ataru gulps, face white at what Lum is alluding to. "Gods,
don't tell me...a Holy Crusade...?!"
"Fortunately not that bad...yet," Lum sighs. "Their fleet
destroyed Uru's fleet at the Battle of Sakusei Station. They then
turned around and destroyed Phentax Two to ensure that we never got
help...and then they invaded and occupied Uru itself."
"Well, so far, their demands aren't so harsh," Lum sighs.
"All they want is for all non-Terrans to leave Earth and return to
Uru. Earth will become a protectorate under the Zephyrites'
Non-Interference Edict. Triton nor any other planet is to interfere
with Earth ever again. Once that is done, they'll let go of Uru."
"And if you don't subscribe to their demands..." Ataru looks
down, wondering what he ever did to deserve a day like today, "...your
people will be put to the sword and fire."
"Yes," she nods, then grabs Ataru by the arms. "Ataru,
listen...if you can, make it so my people didn't win the Tag Race."
Ataru looks into Lum's eyes. In them, he sees not a cruel
alien dictator, but a sincere young woman much like the one he tried
to get away from before. "I'll try, Lum."
"Use the window," Lum orders sadly, her tears flowing freely.
Ataru sets the spacializer on the sill of the window and
prepares to fiddle with the controls. For some reason he stops and
turns to Lum. "Lum," he puts his arms on her shoulders. "Maybe it's
better my people win."
"As long as it ends all this ugliness..." she sighs, "...I
They look at each other a moment, then embrace into a kiss.
"What's this?!" a voice yells.
Both Lum and Ataru leap away from each other and turn to the
door. There stands Mendou, a little ragged from fighting. His gun
is smoking from use. He looks angrily at Ataru. "What's this?!!
Moroboshi, you traitor!!!"
"You don't understand!!!" Ataru shakes his head.
One look at Mendou's face shows Ataru he is not listening to
reason. "How could you do such a thing?" the TUF leader asks,
pointing his gun at Ataru. "You have a wife and a child on the way!!
No, don't answer! It explains your stupid behaviour!! Die!!!"
Lum suddenly leaps in front of Ataru, trying to protect him.
"I won't let you hurt him...!"
Unfortunately, Lum's action only serves to make things worse.
"So...!" Mendou growls. "This proves my accusation!!! Both of you,
"No!" Lum screams.
Mendou pulls the trigger of his gun while Lum throws a
lightning bolt at the same time! Ataru leaps for cover.
Unfortunately for both Lum and Mendou, both get hit near the heart!!
Mendou is dead in an instant, falling backward onto the floor with a
sickening thud, his face with a twisted look of death. Lum, on the
other hand, is riddled with bullets in the chest. She falls in slow
motion to the floor. Ataru, horror-struck, leaps to her side.
Lum looks at him weakly. "Don't die, Lum!" Ataru pleads.
"I guess...this is...it..." Lum says with her dying breath.
"I'm...sorry...for all the...suffering I caused....D-darling..."
Her eyes close. Ataru looks numb by what just happened.
"Lum...?" he tries to wake her up. "You're gonna be all right. Don't
die now! Who is going to take care of me when I'm old?! Lum!"
Lum does not respond. Ataru begins to cry. "I didn't want
this to happen, Lum. I only wanted some peace! I didn't want you to
die!" Then, Ataru realizes there is only one way to save Lum: the
spacializer. "I can undo all of this!" he rushes to the window sill
where the spacializer still hangs waiting to be used.
Ataru fiddles with the controls and the scene in the window
turns from overlooking a battle between TUF and Oni Forces...
* * *
...to the computer room of the Urusian starship the day before
the First Tag Race began. Opening the window and leaping through,
Ataru arrives at this time. He notices he has arrived just after he
had earlier changed the computer program to insert Megane's name
instead of his. Ataru immediately removes Megane's name and places
his instead. "There!" he nods triumphantly. "Lum will be alive
again! I won't ever do this ever again!"
Ataru leaps out of the warp again just as a couple of Oni
technicians enter the room. They both see the change on the screen.
"Huh?" says one of the technicians, a tall thin one. "Now the readout
says 'Ataru Moroboshi of Tomobiki-cho!' I think I need a vacation!"
"Whomever it is," the other tech, a short fat one, "...it
looks like this Moroboshi is our man. I hope he's a good match for
the Captain's daughter...for Earth's sake as well as ours."
* * *
Ataru finds himself in the present. "I'm back at the same
construction site I started out in," Ataru climbs out of the pipe he
used as a warp. He immediately grabs the spacializer and runs off
Further down the street, Ataru sees Cherry sitting in front of
his tent cooking his dinner on an open fire with the mangy brown cat
that is one of his few companions. Ataru walks up to him calmly.
"Oh, Ataru, what are you doing here this late at night?" Cherry asks
with disdain. "Your features look worse than ever!"
"Enough, Cherry," Ataru growls. "Can you answer a few
questions for me?"
"Did I play two tag matches with Lum and win them both?"
"Does Lum live with me and tries to interfere with my trying
to date other girls?"
"Does she announce to everyone that I'm her husband?"
A twisted grin appears on Ataru's face. Cherry looks
ill-at-ease. "Cherry, you deranged monk!" Ataru says grabbing Cherry.
"Hey, what are you doing?" Cherry yells in surprise.
"This!" Ataru kisses Cherry on the top of his bald head. "I
"Hey, I'm not gay!" the old monk protests.
Ataru drops the old monk to the ground and skips along home.
"I've gotta go home now!"
"What a strange boy he is," Cherry starts to pray. "It sees
his stupidity has made him prematurely senile. I pray to Buddha that
he'll find guidance."
* * *
After reaching home, Ataru sneaks into the house the same way
he came in. Removing his shoes, Ataru darts quietly to his room and
is careful not to wake up anyone. Upon opening his bedroom door,
Ataru sees Lum laying in her futon still asleep. "Lum..." Ataru
tearfully rushes up to her and shakes her awake. "Lum!! Lum!!! Wake
Lum wakes up and looks at Ataru tiredly. "What is it? What's
Ataru answers with a wail and cries into Lum's chest. "You're
Lum looks strangely at Ataru. "Of course, I'm alive," she
says before she notices Ataru is in his street clothes not his
pyjamas. "Darling, why aren't you in your pyjamas?"
Ataru then looks nervous. Then the spacializer pops out of
his pocket and into Lum's lap. "What's this?" Lum says as she picks
the spacializer up to look at it closely. "My spacializer?! What
were you doing with this, Darling?!!"
Lum looks at Ataru with a cold angry look. Ataru tries to
explain. "Well...you see...it's not...really...it's not...I never
did! Understand?" he sputters nonsensically.
"I don't understand!" Lum answers and fries Ataru with a
When the smoke clears, Ataru is laying beside Lum with a smile
of happiness on his face. "I hope that teaches you never to touch my
things again! They're too dangerous!"
"Thanks, Lum," Ataru groans, then hugs Lum! "Zap me again!"
Lum looks surprised. "Hey, Darling!! Let go!!!" she
struggles to get free. "Why are you acting so strangely?!!"
"I've been such a bad boy," Ataru growls. "I'm allowing you
to zap me dead if you feel like it!"
"Eeek!!!" Lum says as she slips out of Ataru's hands. "Oh,
no, Darling's gone mad!!!"
Lum flies out of the house. Ataru runs after her. "C'mon,
Lum!!!" he yells. "Zap me some more!! I've been a very bad boy!"
"No way!" Lum flies faster.
The two teens pass Cherry, now eating his dinner. He looks at
the spectacle of Ataru chasing Lum and demanding to be fried by her
lightning bolts with confusion.
"It's fate!" is his only comment.
*** The End ***
**** **** ****
NEXT STORY: Prepare to meet Lum's former teacher as the Tomobiki gang
once again confront a creature they first learned of in the movie "Lum
the Forever." However, the Memory of Tomobiki-cho is not the same as
it was when Lum first encountered it. Will Lum and Nassur be able to
save their friends from its power? Come back to read "Return of
Memory," the second chapter of "Urusei Yatsura - The Senior Year."
**** **** ****