Title: Beautiful Disaster
Rating: PG (Because I said so.)
Pairing: H/Hr, Hermione’s POV
Author: Nikka
Number of words: 3, 437
Summary: PREQUEL TO Where is your Heart?“Could you stay with me a little longer?” he asked. I looked at him confused. “Why?”
Disclaimer: All characters are of J.K. Rowling’s property. The song lyrics are in Kelly Clarkson’s album ‘Breakaway’. The plot and the sweat were all my doing… so no stealing!

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“I don’t know what happened! The bludger just went flying past me without my noticing it! I could’ve been killed!” Ron exclaimed, waving his hands about.

Meanwhile, Harry was laughing. “It was because you were staring at someone in the stands! You should focus or else you will die during a game,” he said, patting Ron on the shoulder.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. Boys and Quidditch… why they love such a blood sport was beyond me.

“Hermione,” a voice said. I turned to look at the person calling to me and the boys stopped talking.

It was Ginny.

“Ginny, how are you?” I greeted, smiling at her. Ginny smiled a small smile and glanced at the boys before—just as quickly as she looked at them—gave her attention back to me. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Harry pale slightly.

Then I remembered… Harry had just broken up with Ginny. My heart panged as an oddly familiar emotion dropped at the pit of my stomach. Jealousy, I quickly realized… I’m jealous.

“I’ve been fine,” she told me, taking a seat next to mine. An eerie silence filled the air, even though the Great Hall was packed with students having their lunch. I glanced back and forth between Harry and Ginny and found them taking quite an interest in the food on their plates. Neither of them wanted to talk.

Ron, as if sensing the growing awkwardness, cleared his throat loudly.

“Hey, Harry, could you teach me that new tactic we have? I didn’t quite understand Ginny’s explanation,” he said, snapping Ginny, Harry and me out of our reveries.

“You mean, you don’t understand any of the tactics,” Ginny said sarcastically, grinning slightly. I smiled at her. Well, at least she was trying to make the best out of the situation.

Ron rolled his eyes and looked at harry expectantly. Harry looked back right at him as well.

“Fine, I’ll explain it to you. Why don’t we go out on the field?” he suggested, already standing up with his bag on his shoulder. Ron looked at Ginny and she sighed.

“So much for trying,” I whispered to her and she nodded.

“We’ll see both of you later at the common room, I suppose,” Ron said, shrugging. We nodded and just smiled slightly.

Harry didn’t smile back but instead turned his back at us. I sighed. They were about to walk towards the door when Harry called to me

“Umm, ‘Mione…” he started, running a hand through his hair.

I raised a curious eyebrow. “Yes?” I asked curiously.

Harry glanced at Ginny, who was staring at him right back and he swallowed. “Uh, nothing… I’ll tell you later.” And then they left; leaving me to wonder what Harry was about to say.

“Do you want to go up to our dorm?” she asked me. I knew she wanted to talk about Harry.

“Sure, Gin.” I replied and we went up to the Gryffindor Tower.

Once we got there, Ginny and I lay down our respective beds and was silent.

Ginny sighed beside me and I felt pity towards her. I understood what she was feeling… I knew how much she cared about Harry (probably as much as I cared about him) and I knew how much it hurt her when he told her that he couldn’t risk getting her into his mess. It was rubbish of course, because we were all in danger anyway… but Harry never understood that.

“He still won’t talk to me…” she said, her voice soft. I sighed, as I sat up to reach over and hug her slightly. “He will sooner or later, Gin,” I reassured her.

Ginny shook her head and rubbed her eyes. It was a gesture that told me she was about to cry soon. I had to cheer her up.

“Oh, come now, Gin. It’s just a guy. It’s just Harry.”

She glared at me and shook her head again. “He’s not just Harry, ‘Mione. He’s not just some guy. You know that!” she argued, her temper rising.

“I’m just saying you shouldn’t let this kind of thing affect you… if he’s yours… he’ll come back soon,” I explained, my voice soothing. But Ginny just kept on glaring at me.

“You don’t understand, ‘Mione. You don’t know what it’s like to really care about someone so much and have them not see that,” she told me, her voice breaking.

Yes, I do, I wanted to say. I know how it feels to have all that love and have the one not see it in return!

“You don’t know how much it hurts to have him avoid you because he doesn’t want to see you die,” she finished, her tears finally taking over her.

I hugged her, not minding the stares we were getting from our other roommates. Ginny needed someone to hold… and I was all she had at the moment.

“Sometimes I wish I was like you, Hermione,” Ginny said suddenly. “Why?” I asked, confused.

“Because you’re perfect! Because you’re not in love with Harry! Because you get to be around him without any complications! You get to stay with him without a wall distancing you both…” she explained, looking up at me. Her face was red with all the crying.

“I wish I was you…”

I shook my head and continued to hug her more. “Don’t wish you were like me. You’re perfect the way you are. Harry fell in love with you because you were Ginny. Not because you were me…” I told her with a faint smile.

She smiled just as faintly as I had and sighed once more.

“I still want to be like you,” she pressed on but I didn’t answer.

If only you knew, Gin… I’ve always wanted to be like you.

It’s been six years since I met both Harry and Ron aboard the Hogwarts Express. I can still remember how the troll gave way for the three of us to become friends. If it weren’t for that troll, the three of us wouldn’t have become so close.

I walked down the grassy hill and looked around me, breathing in the lovely scent of the air. It was beautiful here in Hogwarts, and I was honored to be a part of it. I owe every significant event in my life to its homey atmosphere.

I stopped at the tombstone the school had made for Professor Dumbledore, the day after he died. I can still feel the pain of losing our beloved headmaster and I would often come down to the tombstone to pay my respects.

“You still come here as well,” a voice remarked. I knew who it was. I nodded and turned to Harry who was standing behind me with his hands in his pockets.

“I see you do too,” I replied, giving him a smile. He smiled back and rubbed his forehead, sighing as he did so. He looked tired and messy. He was a disaster. I found myself staring at him with a single thought in my head…

He was beautiful.

He drowns in his dreams

An exquisite extreme, I know

He's as damned as he seems

And more heaven than a heart could hold

I’ve always found Harry attractive. His deep emerald green eyes were the first things I admired most the first time I saw him. Though they may be hidden behind glasses, his eyes were always deeper whenever you looked at them.

His hair may be unruly and distorting but it covered the scar he so desperately wanted to hide. He also had a gentle smile… I can still remember the first time he had taken my breath away with one grin.

And if I tried to save him

My whole world could cave in

It just isn’t right, it just ain't right…

It was his smile that drove me to do whatever I could to help him… so that I could make him happy. With the painful past he carried, I wanted to do everything in my power to keep him from hiding away from everyone around him. He was heaven in my eyes… he was everything I’ve always dreamt of.

But try as I may… I couldn’t save him. Something much worse would always come after one happy moment… and he had learned to distance himself from people he cared for to protect them…

“Hermione?” The touch of his hand on my shoulder and his voice startled me out of my trance. I felt my face burn slightly. Oh, God, how embarrassing.

“Yes?” I said, trying to look calm.

“Would you like to take a walk with me?” he asked, smiling slightly.

“Where?” I asked. He shrugged.

“Wherever our feet takes us,” he replied, just as he held out his hand. I looked at it and back to his face. He had a somewhat sad expression and my heart went out for him.

I took his hand and squeezed it slightly. “Let’s go then.”

He smiled and squeezed back. “Thanks, ‘Mione.”

We walked past Hagrid’s hut, the pumpkin patch and the Quidditch fields without really noticing the time and where we were. All we did was talk about anything and everything… our topics usually not sticking for long.

We stopped walking at the edge of the lake, under the huge oak tree to rest.

“I didn’t notice it was already night fall,” Harry commented, sitting down under the tree. He picked up a stone and through it into the lake.

I sighed and sat down beside him, breathing the cool night air into my body. “I didn’t notice as well,” I agreed, a smile tugging my lips.

Harry laughed and threw another stone.

“You seem happier,” I remarked, watching the ripples his rock formed in the water. Harry threw another rock and sighed. “I guess…”

Oh and I don't know

I don't know what he's after…

“Liar,” I told him and he chuckled.

“You know me too well…”

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster.

“I really don’t like it when you lie,” I said, frowning slightly at him. He looked back at me and ran a hand through his hair.

“Sometimes you have to lie to protect the ones you care about,” he replied, swallowing.

I shook my head. “You always say that… and you’re always wrong! You don’t even know how much it hurts people when you lie… especially Ginny…” I argued, frowning.

And me… I added silently.

“I don’t mean to hurt anyone… I just want to protect them. You know I can’t stand the thought of people dying because me!” he argued as well, frowning just the same.

“You’re always trying to be the hero. Not every bad thing that happens is about you!” I sighed in frustration. “I don’t even know why I put with you…”

“Then don’t,” he muttered. I tucked my hair behind my ear and looked at him. He had a sadder expression in his face, and I felt my heart grow heavy.

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter…

“You know I can’t leave you even if I tried…” I whispered, staring into his eyes.

Harry smiled and took my hand. My heart began to race and I felt my face burn.

He squeezed it and whispered, “I’m glad.”

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster?

“I wish you didn’t have to blame yourself for everything that’s happened this past year…” I explained, leaning against the tree. The air was getting cooler by the minute… it was refreshing.

Harry sighed and shook his head. “I can’t help it.”

I frowned and rolled my eyes at him. “Yes, you can. You just choose not to do anything about it,” I pointed out, mock-glaring at him.

He smiled but didn’t answer. Instead he threw another rock into the water, and watched it make ripples. He looked so peaceful… perfectly content in his position.

He's magic and myth

As strong as what I believe

A tragedy with

More damage than a soul should see

I studied his face; every angle and every crease of his face perfectly structured. I smiled faintly and looked at the water rushing by in front of us, enjoying the peaceful surroundings that enveloped the air around us. I was glad that Harry and I got to share this moment of security without thinking about death or Voldemort.

And do I try to change him?

So hard not to blame him

Hold on tight, hold on tight

I knew that deep inside Harry’s flawless façade lay a heartbroken boy, wanting desperately to move on with a normal life without any complications from people who wanted so badly to kill him. He was tired of running… he was tired of everything.

But no matter how tired he looked at this very moment, I found myself thinking as my gaze came back to him. He is still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

I would never try to change anything about you, I told him silently. I love you just the way you are…

“You’re always staring at me,” Harry said, looking at me with a confused look. I smiled and laughed softly. “I like watching you,” I told him, grinning.

He laughed and shook his head. “Whatever you say, ‘Mione,” he said, rolling his eyes. I stuck out my tongue at him and we both laughed.

“Oh, look, a falling star!” I said, suddenly noticing the night sky. We watched as it fell slowly from the sky.

“Make a wish…” he said, his eyes closed.

I closed my eyes as well. I wish Harry all the happiness… whether it is with Ginny or anyone else, I whispered to myself. I opened my eyes and watched the star continue falling downwards. Please make Harry happy…

I glanced at Harry and saw him with his eyes still closed. He must really be taking the wish seriously.

Then he opened his eyes and looked at me with his emerald green eyes and my heart started drumming in my chest. I took a deep breath.

“What did you wish for?” I asked, hoping he would tell me something. Harry shook his head and smiled. “The wish won’t work if I tell you,” he told me, smirking at me.

“You’re so unfair,” I argued in mock anger. He laughed and wrapped an arm around me. My body temperature rose… oh dear. I gulped.

“I’ll tell you when the time is right, okay?” He looked down at me and I nodded. My mind was hazy from all the warmth he was giving me.

We stayed like that for as long as I can remember. Just staring at each other before I regained my composure and realized what position we were in. I cleared my throat.

“Don’t you ever think of Ginny?” I asked, trying to start a conversation.

“Oh, let’s not talk about her now…” he replied, removing his arm from my shoulder before slumping back into his sit against the tree.

“Why can’t we talk about her?” I demanded, raising a confused eyebrow.

Harry sighed. “I just don’t want to.”

“But—”

“Don’t you ever think of Ron’s feelings for you?” he asked suddenly, stopping me from objecting. I bit my lip and thought about what he was asking.

Of course, I had thought of Ron’s emotions towards me. But I was always too focused on Harry to really feel anything in return. I knew he loved me—his actions told me so—but… I…

“I have thought about it… but, well… I have feeling for someone else,” I answered, taking a deep breath after. Harry raised an amused eyebrow.

“Oh, too bad for Ron, I suppose,” he said, shrugging his shoulder. Then he looked at me, thoughtfully. “Do I know the guy you fancy?” he asked, inching closer to me.

I felt my face burn. “Umm… I suppose so,” I told him, avoiding his gaze.

He smiled and looked at me expectantly. “Well, aren’t you going to tell me?” he asked, smirking.

Oh 'cause I don't know...

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

“He’s…” You.

“He’s… who?” he asked, inching closer still. My breath became shallow.

“I fancy…” You…

He was too close.

“I’m in love with…” You!

I sighed and shook my head. “I can’t tell you,” I said, looking at him apologetically. He frowned and sighed as well. “Too bad, I wanted to tell him he was a lucky guy. Does he know you like him?”

I shook my head. “What? Why?” he cried incredulously.

I'm longing for love and the logical

But he's only happy hysterical

“Because…” He’s impossible to reach…

“He can’t see me,” I replied instead, avoiding his gaze.

I'm waitin' for some kind of miracle

Waiting so long,

So long…

“He has everything I admire in a person… but he can’t see that himself. He can only see the bad things in him, instead of the good things. He thinks he has nobody who loves him… I’ve been waiting for a miracle for him to see that he’s not alone…” I added, vaguely aware that his eyes had widened at what I had just said.

He's soft to the touch

But frayed at the end he breaks

He's never enough

And still he's more than I can take…

“He’s so vunerable inside even though he tries to hide it. He would look so strong in the outside but in the inside… I know he’s breaking. I know that he needs someone to hold him… but he never lets anyone. Not even me.”

“I want to say that I love him… but he keeps me from doing so…” I whispered, looking up at the night sky. “He’s a disaster… but I love him for it,” I finished, before glancing at Harry to see his expression.

He was smiling.

“Do you love him?” he asked his emerald green eyes thoughtful. He had a knowing glint in his eyes.

“Yes.” I said slowly as I tried to remember what that glint meant.

Harry’s jaw fell open… and then he smiled.

A sudden realization came over me.

He knew. He saw right though my heart. He knew I loved him.

This is what’s hard of having the guy you love as your best friend! He knows everything about you! You should have never said any of those things, Hermione! Never! I scolded myself and I knew my face was red.

“I’m sure he feels the same way,” he said, snapping me back to reality.

My eyes widened and my cheeks flushed red. Oh, dear Lord.

“We—uh—should head back,” I told Harry as I stood up and started dusting my robes hurriedly. I was about to turn towards the school when a hand pulled me to stop. It was Harry’s.

“Could you stay with me a little longer?” he asked. I looked at him confused. “Why?”

He stared at me and smiled.

“You know why…”

Oh 'cause I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

His eyes were mesmerizing. Without realizing it… I was in his arms and we were both staring at each other. I swallowed.

“Why should I stay?” I asked.

“Because I need you to…” he replied, his smile taking my breath away.

Harry leaned closer to me. “And what about Ginny? She won’t be happy about this…” I asked, his face inches from mine.

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster?

“She’s my past…”

He looked down at me and cupped my face. “I can see now that you’re my future.”

Our lips met, and I closed my eyes, reveling in the warm sensations surrounding that kiss. So this is what a kiss feels like, I realized as I buried my fingers into his hair. It feels… warm.

“I love you…” I whispered once we pulled apart, finally saying those three words out loud. A huge weight inside my heart was lifted.

Harry smiled and kissed my forehead. “I love you too…” he replied, and I felt my heart jump with joy. I hugged him.

“You’re a disaster,” I told him, laying my head on his shoulder as I hugged him closer.

He laughed. “I know…”

He's beautiful…

Such a beautiful disaster…