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Author’s Notes: Special thanks to Legato Hicordonma, a faithful reader of this fanfic. I had a nice chat with him on MSN messenger. We talked about ourselves and about the fanfic. He helped me think up and evaluate some ideas for this chapter. If anyone else wants to make a difference, you can talk to me on MSN messenger. You can add me to your MSN list with the e-mail I specified in my profile. (I don't really think anyone will take up the offer though :P )
Also on the other side of the spectrum, I received my first criticism on this story. Whether people think it's funny or not, it depends on yourself. There are enough people that found this story funny, and that's enough. Also about the Chewbacca Defense, yea I did stole it from South Park, I mentioned it too. I just HAD to use it for that scene :P Although pretty uncommon, you can encounter the Chewbacca Defense at other places, like Slashdot. I don't find it immoral to use it for a humorous fic like this one, if you just mention where it originally came from.
Disclaimer (again): I, the writer of this piece of fan fiction of the anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion, do not own the rights to produce a piece of fan fiction of the anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion. However this piece of fan fiction can be freely accessed as long as the entities who bear the rights don’t give a damn about it. So go read your mouth off.
Warning about offensive content: Before you read this realize that this written work contains subtle obscene (sexual-orientated) remarks, more direct sexual words and ideas, perverted behavior on certain characters, and offensive stereotypes. Some writings are very taboo and disgusting and could make you sick. This work of fiction also simplifies the reality and several aspects of the real world, sometimes ridiculing it. This fic is rated M (not for kiddies).
Evangelion gone perverted!
Teacher
Tokyo-3 Municipal High School #1, hallways
It was a hot day today, turning the school into a giant oven. On the menu was about 600 crispy pupils and about 35 spicy staff members. One chicken wing in particular was currently having trouble moving around. It had been abused by two fat pork chops, and disturbed by one weird, blue and boiled parrot. The school was so hot, you could practically see the heat waves floating around in the air. The white tiles and paint were still in good shape though. The building was relatively young, and the school boasted the best modern construction techniques known to mankind.
Even though Tokyo-2 was the real center of Japan, Tokyo-3 boasted a modest amount of inhabitants too. Most of them worked for NERV or for the numerous office buildings for several major corporations. To keep Tokyo-3 attractive the government subsidized any corporations that relocated their headquarters to Tokyo-3. Profit matters more than the safety of employees those days in the year 2015. It was a common phenomenon, called Acceptable Risk™.
A big city with lots of inhabitants needs a lot of facilities, including schools. The most prominent school was situated between the downtown area and the wealthy suburbs. It was Tokyo-3 Municipal High School #1 that was leading the race. The high school catered a variety of different junior high school students, rich and poor, popular and outcasts alike. But the Angel attacks have destroyed the prime status this school enjoyed. It was currently filled to only half capacity. Plans were being planned to close down schools and relocate the people to other schools. But that is for another day to tell.
In the hot hallways, a certain tied up Shinji crawled through the empty space alone. Class had already started a few minutes ago, so no one encountered a strange bondaged person crawling like a worm on the hot tiles. Shinji was sure having the luck of his life, the hot white tiles reflected the heat right back at Shinji. It was smoking him hot like a german sausage. He just crawled up a stairway, with over twenty steps! Shinji decided he could use a rest, and laid still in front of the stairway.
Further away from school, our favorite nameless elderly history teacher was pacing towards his next class. He was late late late!
'Damn it, I spent too much time preparing my special surprise for class 2-A. Those lazy youngsters don't respect their elders anymore. They spend too much time on their computer gadgets then listen to the finer points of life. Well I'm going to strike back at their rudeness. I'm going to make them see who's the real daddy!'
The teacher was running faster while laughing like an intellectual European visiting a redneck convention. When he neared the stairs he hopped up like a rabbit on speed. Suddenly he tripped over something, something soft and squishy. He fell down face first, his briefcase flying around at some random and unimportant direction. His head collided with something hard while his hands where trying to press the squishy thing under him to soften his fall.
“MMWMWWWmff MfffMFMF!” Shinji tried to say.
“mmmmmm mmmmwwwmw” the nameless history teacher tried to say.
In some bizarre coincidence, the teacher fell in such a way that his lips were placed on Shinji's hot, dry mouth, moisturizing it. Tongues touched each other, and in curiosity the teacher deepened the kiss, inspired by his dramatic and romantic memories from the pre Second Impact era. But when the teacher noticed he committed a serious crime, and the teacher quickly pulled away. He wasn't suppose to have an erotic relationship with a male student. He was suppose to have an affair with a FEMALE student instead. He was having trouble extorting and blackmailing the young ladies though, because they NEVER listened to anything he says, even if they were in private. Even touching them in their private spots would illicit no response, they continued to socialize with each other even though they reached an orgasm two times in ten minutes.
With wide open eyes, Shinji said “Oh my god. That was the best kiss I ever had. And you're fondling my chest so good... What am I saying! Get off me you lecherous dirty boring teacher!”
The teacher was shocked too, he was currently thinking 'OH MY KAMI-SAMA! It can't be... someone really acknowledged me! I exist, I'm not invisible or boring! A STUDENT RECOGNIZED AND ACKNOWLEDGED ME! I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO HIM! It brings back memories of me and my grandfather, all alone in his house while the Second Impact occurred. I didn't wanted to die as a virgin, and my grandfather wanted to be done in his feces hole at least one time before he died. It was a perfect match, so romantic... I must show this young student the pleasures of life... NOW!'
The old man groped Shinji's breasts harder and harder, and was rubbing his impotent manhood on Shinji's leg. It didn't matter to him that he was in school in plain sight, he just wanted to confirm his existence, and reenact his old memories. Shinji was already shocked, but this situation was a new record of weirdness for Shinji.
'What is this! My own teacher is raping me! My own senile, boring history teacher is sexually assaulting me! What did I do to deserve this!'
Shinji tried to retaliate. The battle between him and his sexy rapist began. First he separated his mouth from his, and rolled so his ass faced his horny Little Teacher. He then positioned his tied up wrists on the rabid teacher's mouth. As expected, he kissed the ropes and cut it with his predator-like teeth. Shinji then tried a double flanking move, using his arms to grab his bony teacher's arms and push him upwards. It didn't work though, the old man was experienced enough to prepare for such a pathetic anti-rape move.
A regular move didn't work, so Shinji tried a combo instead. He kneed the balls of his teacher, which was conveniently placed over his knee, that rubbed up and down. He was stunned for exactly 7,343453152 seconds, enough time for Shinji to roll over and place himself on top of the old bastard. Shinji was scared, crazy and paranoid. He did something very uncharacteristic of him, he began to strangle the old man's balls. All his sexual frustration and insanity he bottled up from his recent traumatic moments released in a sexual fury that would make a berserk Unit-01 die of shame.
The teacher was in pain, he moaned in a very sexy and disturbing way “OUCH OUCH OOWAAHH, OUCH UGH UGH UGH! THIS WAS JUST LIKE... OUCH OUCH UUUWAAH.. THE TIME GRANDMA—OUCH OUCH.. PLAYED DOCTOR WITH ME! YEOUCH!.. oohh... that spot feels good...”
Shinji didn't know how disgusting he acted, but he suddenly stopped when a voice interrupted him.
“IKARI SHINJI FROM CLASS 2-A! Cease your molestation and mutilation of our history teacher!”
Oh boy, Shinji was in trouble now. He just snapped out from his murderous daze and realized what he did. He now feared what kind of punishment he would get from Hikari. She was known to be a very strict dictator, dealing extreme punishments that made Vlad the Impaler pale in comparison.
Hikari looked pissed, VERY pissed. She growled at Shinji “Ikari Shinji-kun... why you dirty little... grrrrrr...”
She gently grabbed her unconscious history teacher, and hung it on her shoulder like it was a piece of meat. Or a sex slave. She then used her foot to position it between Shinji's legs and pushed against it, pulling Shinji upwards painfully. Shinji looked very ashamed and had a deep blush on his face.
Hikari continued “I am ashamed of you Shinji-kun. I am ashamed at your display of blatant disrespect for the Japanese moral code.”
Hikari stared at his eyes, which currently faced downwards. Shinji didn't want to face Hikari when she would issue her punishment. Eva pilots or not, everyone gets punished hard. But currently, silent rage was directed at him for a while.
“... grrr..”
Hikari then scolded him “Don't commit immoral acts like this when you're supposed to be in class! Unworthy humans like this old senile CHINESE should not be molested while he's suppose to be teaching us history Shinji-kun. Oh my god, how can you be so stupid. Not every non-Japanese is a sex slave, Ikari-kun. We need slave labor to rebuild our Japanese economy. We need to put the Japanese Empire back on the map, Shinji-kun! Now look at what you did, you made our Chinese prisoner of war incapable of providing any slave labor today.”
Hikari walked towards the broom closet nearby, while lecturing him “I'm going to deposit this servant in an appropriate bed so he can recover his energy. We Japanese are cruel slave drivers but we they aren't just toys, Shinji-kun. We shouldn't waste their energy, energy for us Japanese to exploit.”
The Japanese Nazi bitch opened the closet and dumped her teacher/slave directly in the mess of brooms, mops and buckets. She banged it shut and locked the door with one of her Class Rep keys. She then walked up to Shinji and pushed his posture straight. She wiped his hair, his clothes, his waist (he promptly blushed) and his legs. She checked him thoroughly and found him decent enough to present him to the Japanese society. Hikari took his hand and dragged him towards their class.
Hikari lowered her strict Nazi bitch class rep attitude for a moment, and sweetly told Shinji “Shinji-kun, I envy you. Not only are your Japanese features more prominent then mine, you're also a being of hope for us defenseless Japanese. You're one of the elite, selected to battle Angels and save the Japanese race from holocaust. Keep up with the good job Shinji-kun.”
This came at small surprise at Shinji. Even though he had experienced a lot of shocking experiences, this one was pretty scary too. Instead of being punished for an attempted rape at his rapist, the incident was dismissed and he was being praised instead. He had one of those rare moments now, the feeling of total happiness. That was because he's an attention slut, hungry and horny for every drop of praise someone throws at him. The pair continued their destination to the classroom.
Asuka was seated in her desk. Unlike the others, she wasn't hanging around yelling like a slut on XTC. She was seething, angry and disappointed in herself. Her mind was a whirlpool of emotions.
'How could I have lost... lost to two overweight bratwursts ! TWO FUCKING SCHWEINHUNDEN! Damn it Shinji... rather get dirty with two ugly pigs then rape and abuse your hot sexy defenseless roommate! AARGGG...'
Yuki too was in a similar state. She didn't felt betrayed by Shinji. They never had anything serious to begin with. But she was still a little... disappointed in him.
Yuki didn't think a lot on it, just something like this 'Shinji-kun... why did you... nasty pervert. You dirty pervert. You don't care who you are doing it, you just want to get satisfied at all costs. It doesn't even matter if you get raped by our history teacher, you'll like it anyway. NASTY, nasty pervert...'
The door slided open, and everyone paid attention. Their -6th sense immediately notified them that the old wrinkled fart was nowhere to be found. Instead, they immediately felt the powerful inspiring aura of Horaki Hikari. Everywhere she went she made Japanese citizens around her feel proud. But it also had a nasty side effect of making every non-Japanese feel disgusted about him/herself.
There were two things that were out of place. First a tired and ragged looking Shinji being dragged by Hikari. Secondly the almost serene smile on Hikari's face. No one except Asuka has ever seen this side of her. They immediately passed on rumors on their laptop. Soon the entire school will know that Shinji had betrayed Yuki's marriage proposal so he could have wild sex with the Haruna sisters during lunchtime. But after the girls were finished and couldn't keep up with sex addicted maniac Shinji, he raped Hikari who was just passing by. He showed her his wild superior Oriental qualities as a rapist and Hikari fell in love with him, devoting the rest of her life as a sex slave geisha to serve only Shinji. Well, atleast the rumor wasn't too far from the truth.
Hikari dumped her fellow patriot on his regular seat, and marched in front of the class. She stood proudly behind the teacher's desk and announced “Honest and superior citizens of Tokyo-3, future leaders and builders of the Holy Japanese Imperium, I have bad news from the front line. Our history teacher, unworthy to mention by name, is unable to teach our class today.”
At the news almost everyone disregarded their discipline and cheered loudly. They began to stand up to head home or do some random perverted act.
“WAIT!” Hikari yelled. She explained to the class in a hard tone “This does NOT mean class is dismissed. I will be using my class representative powers to teach all of you the wonderful history of our proud nation. Everyone attempting to escape will be declared an ENEMY OF THE STATE.”
Everyone calmed down and paid proper attention to Hikari. They knew they could get in worse trouble then Hell itself if they draw the wrath of the mighty obsessed extreme right freak.
“First lesson, the superior properties of the Japanese people and their German allies!”
“Aaawwwww...” everyone moaned when they heard it. Everyone knew she did weird stuff when she teaches a class.
Meanwhile, Hikari's beautiful brown eyes glowed obsessively at Asuka...
ANTI-Reverse Omake
The door slided open, and everyone paid attention. Their -6th sense immediately notified them that the old wrinkled fart was nowhere to be found. Instead, they immediately felt the pathetic perverted aura of Ikari Shinji. Everywhere he went he made Japanese citizens around him feel violated. But it also had a nasty side effect of making every non-Japanese feel pity for him/herself.
He walked up to the front desk, and announced to everyone “Your history teacher was raped by me. He's currently checking out his bleeding buttocks.”
No one in class was shocked or surprised, it was just an everyday occurrence. Shinji always had a thing for senile history teachers. They studied history so much on their lazy chairs their asses turned rigid and hard, just the right feeling to make Shinji enjoy spanking it.
“Today's class will be about... me.”
Shinji started to lecture the attentive students, male and female alike “My erection tastes like strawberry, does anyone know why?”
Shinji told them the answer “That's because I put it in your strawberry soda drink before you buy it from the school cafeteria and drink it all up.”
Some random guy yelled “So that's why those drinks taste even better then before! Thanks Shinji-sensei!”
“Everyone thank your sensei for your daily dosage of protein.” Shinji ordered the students.
“Thank you Shinji-sensei, please teach us more, goshujin-sama. Use our body, use us as your slave, we need your semen.” Everyone replied like they had said it a thousand times already.
Class in 2-A continued on as normal...