AoA: Okay fellow Legend of Zelda fans! This is Angel of Atonement and it's time for my very first Zelda story!

Zelda: Finally! A story about me! You have good taste AoA.

AoA: Uh, let me correct myself. It's time for my very first Link story!

Link: Oh yeah! The world can't get enough of me!

Zelda: Another story about him? I'm the game's namesake! Would every one stop writing about my glorified errand boy for once?

Link: What did you just call me?

AoA: Ahem! As I was saying, this story is about Link and the quest that is more important to him than any other.

Zelda: Oh, it must be to save me from some horrible fate. What else could motivate him so?

Link: Saving dirt from being stepped on?

Zelda: Why you...

AoA: AHEM! Link, just do the disclaimer, please.

Link: Angel of Atonement does not own the Legend of Zelda...

Zelda: The legend of WHO, again?

AoA: Don't interrupt the disclaimer!

Link: As I was saying, he doesn't own the rights to the game. Nintendo does.

Zelda: And he never will if I have anything to say about it.

AoA: Enough of this. Here we go!

The Legend of Zelda and All Those Other Girls Too

Chapter One: The Unbearable Fate

Link walked out of Hyrule Castle Town, once again his youthful self, and realized the truth of his situation. He had just saved the world. Ganondorf had been sealed away in the evil realm from all times by the power of Zelda, the Sage of Time. However, in his quest Link had been forced to make a great sacrifice. A sacrifice that he now realized he was not strong or courageous enough to bear the burden of.

He had been forced to mature out of his childhood in an instant. That he could cope with.

His best friend Navi had vanished without a word once his journey was complete. He could manage to adjust.

The fabric of time itself was strained by his quest and now the responsibility of the balance of reality rested upon his and Zelda's shoulders. Who the heck cared?

There was one thing he was forced to agree to that he could just no longer accept. His great deed was done and there was no changing it, so now he resolved to find a way out. No matter what, he would find a way to rid himself of these consequences that threatened to tear him apart with their intensity. This was his new quest. His new purpose. To save himself.

“Please?”

“No.”

“Pleeeaaasseee?”

“No!”

“?”

“NO!”

“But I don't wanna marry Ruto!” Link whined in frustration.

“I don't care,” King Zora replied, immune to Link's desperate pleading to use his royal power to force him out of his engagement. “She told you what it meant and you still did it. It's your own fault.”

Link would forever regret taking the Zora's Sapphire from Princess Ruto. She said she could only give it to the man she would eventually marry. How was he supposed to know she wasn't kidding? He thought saving her life and the life of the Zoran god would be enough. Apparently Ruto thought higher of herself than Link did. Or anyone did for that matter.

“You can't make me marry her! She's ugly! And scaly! And wet! And has a gigantic head! And swims with the elegance of a flounder on land despite the fact that she's supposed to be aquatic!”

Link was fairly certain he could keep giving King Zora reasons he, or anyone, should never, ever marry his daughter until his voice permanently left him. Luckily it didn't come to that.

“Hey now, you can't blame my daughter for her humongouly misshapen head,” the King replied. Link couldn't help but notice that he had chosen to embellish upon Link's choice of words. “She does have me for a father after all. She's lucky her body came out in anything resembling proper proportions.”

Link had to admit that this was true. Link had never met Ruto's mother, but he had assumed that she must have been the skinniest Zora ever born in order for Ruto to share any relation to the immense King Zora.

The fact was, Link had been forced to come to his own conclusions about where Ruto's mother was, since no one ever mentioned her. His first assumption was that King Zora had rolled over in bed and crushed her to death some time after Ruto was born. Of course he quickly dismissed this on two counts. One: There was no way King Zora's ridiculously skinny legs could support his gigantic oval frame anywhere off the ledge he always sat on(Which left Link forcing himself not to wonder how Ruto was conceived in the first place. Some questions were better left unanswered.) and Two: If he did, there was no bed that would ever support him.

Based on those two observations Link had come up with the theory he had carried all the way to this point in time. Ruto was the result of a terrible failure in genetic engineering that resulted in her horrible form and screwed up personality. Now that King Zora had implied Ruto really was his daughter by blood, Link would be forced to come up with a new explanation.

Stupid Ruto. She just keeps causing me more trouble.

“Look you majesty,” he began again after his extremely tiring mental contemplation. “You and I both know that you're only forcing this on me because you know Ruto will never get anyone else to marry her.”

“Well...”

“ADMIT IT!”

“ALRIGHT! IT'S TRUE! IT'S ALL TRUE!”

“Good. Now get me off the hook.”

“Sorry. Can't be done.”

“WHAT? I saved the frickin' world from total oblivion! That's gotta be worth SOMETHING!”

“True, and I would like to help you, but...”

“But...?”

“Well...”

“Ruto scares you too, doesn't she?”

“Of course she does! You've spent time with her.”

“Only against my will.”

“Well imagine living with her 24/7.”

“That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid! Do you really want to force that life on anyone? ESPECIALLY ME!”

“Hmm. There may be one possible way out for you.”

“WHAT? WHAT IS IT? I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T TELL ME I'LL MURDER EVERY ZORA IN THE UNIVERSE!”

“CALM DOWN BOY! I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU!”

“Sorry. I got really worked up there.”

“I understand,” King Zora replied with a nod. Link could tell that he really did understand how the thought of a chance to rid yourself of Ruto could drive a man to genocide.

“As I was saying, there may be one thing that will let both you and me get out of this situation safely.”

“What is it?”

“If you could find another girl willing to marry you and bring her back here, we just might be able to convince Ruto that you were already engaged before you took the Zora's Sapphire, thus nullifying the engagement you made to her.”

“Really? You think she'd buy that?”

“This is Ruto we're talking about.”

“Oh yeah. Right.”

“But, we won't have much time. Ruto must know you're here. When she asks me what we talked about I'll tell her that you came to inform me you were already engaged, and made a false promise to her in order to get the jewel. I'll tell her that you're going to go retrieve your finance and come back with her as proof. Of course, if it works I'll have to banish you from Zora's Domain forever for lying to the Princess.”

“You think I'd ever come back here?”

“No, I didn't think you'd mind. That's why I picked that punishment. However, if you're gone for any more than five days Ruto will get suspicious. You'll only have four days to find a girl willing to marry you so you can get back here by the fifth.”

“That's not much time. Good thing I can get around Hyrule faster than anyone.”

“Indeed. Now I suggest you get going before she finds you.”

“Right!”

At the thought of actually having to look at princess Ruto Link turned around and ran for the exit of Zora's Domain. Once safely outside he could start trying to figure out who would be willing to marry him. He had met plenty of girls on his journey. In theory, he should be able to guilt one of them in to it with the old 'I saved the world' line. Unfortunately Link's happy thoughts were cut short by the sound of his nightmares.

“Link!”

For once Link was glad he had matured seven years. The language adults could say in their minds was very helpful for relieving stress in these situations.

“H-hi Ruto,” Link managed to force out with a sickly look on his face. The Zoran Princess failed to notice. Either that or she didn't care.

So close, Link thought, looking at the exit right next to him. Aarrggghhhhhhh!

That last thought was not inspired by his frustration at being caught, but rather by the fact that Ruto was clutching on to his exposed arm very tightly.

So gross so wet so squishy so gross!

“Link, you came to see me! I'm so happy!”

World peace. Navi coming back. Regaining my lost childhood. Never having seen Zelda cross-dressing. Never having seen Impa. Ganondorf in a tutu. Nabooru in a bikini. A billion rupees. Ruto gutted, cleaned and roasted.

Of all the happy thoughts Link could bring up to help him fight off the urge to vomit, that last one seemed to work the best.

“So, my dear finance...”

Ruto fish sticks, Ruto fish sticks, Ruto fish sticks..

“What were you talking with my dad about?”

“Uh, actually I promised to do something for him. In fact he said he would need to talk to you right away. I'm not allowed to tell you. You should go see him now.”

“Oh, but I want to spend time with you,” she said, forcing herself closer on him. “It feels like forever since we got some quality time to get to know each other.”

We've never gotten to know each other, you genetic muta...oh yeah. I need a new name for her.

“Well, I'll be back in five days at the most so just wait a little longer, okay?”

“Well...okay,” she consented, finally releasing him.

Ah, heaven...

“I'll see you soon, sweetheart!” she called as she waddled her way up to her father's permanent location.

Not if I can help it, fish face.

He hadn't thought of a good new name for her in his mind yet, but he was sure he'd find something over time.

Link raced out of Zora's domain and leaped out of the water fall. He quickly considered who he could ask to marry him first, but now he found that a nagging question kept interrupting his concentration.

What would roasted Ruto taste like?

AoA: Yes! It's alive! It's ALIIIIIIIVVVEEE!

Link: What the heck are you going on about?

AoA: I've finally written the first chapter! It's all planned out! Now I just have to type it up piece by piece! I've wanted to get this out for so long and it's finally happening!

Ruto: Link! There you are!

Link: AH! What the heck is SHE doing here?

AoA: As the inspiration of this story I wanted her to behere at the closing ofthe last chapter.

Link: Traitor!

(Ruto grabs him and hugs him tight)

Link: Why do you insist on torturing me?

AoA: Because it's fun. Anyone interested in reading some Zelda work that helped inspire this fic should check out Uber Spoonz. They've written some serious and hilarious Zelda stories. Really great stuff.

Zelda: Hah. Shameless Plug. How low of you.

AoA: It's only a shameless plug if you promote your own stuff, Zelda!

Link: WOULD SOMEONE GET THIS FREAK OF NATURE OFF OF ME ALREADY?

AoA: Nah.

Zelda: No thanks.

Ruto: Never!

Link: AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

AoA: Peace out!