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tikitikirevenge
Author of 30 Stories |
25
Everybody dies,
Nobody is perfect,
Anybody has secrets,
Somebody has a deadly one.
25 people are about to discover just how mortal they are…
Legal note:
Um, how about… D flat. D flat is a nice note. Combined with F and A flat, it makes a major chord. Nothing illegal about major chords.
-waits expectantly for laughter-
Hmm, weird. Must be the acoustics in here.
Fox is the vulpine leader of the Star Fox team, which basically means that he flies around in this space ship, and some of his anthropomorphic animal friends fly around in spaceships, and they’re like ‘Fox, help me!’. He can also shoot fire out of his backside, and is a nice, friendly-leader type dude. He undoubtedly deserves his fate.
Fox was too cool to have to use an alarm clock to wake up. He used his Star Fox brand mobile phone’s built-in alarm instead, and this morning, it awoke him to a synthesised remix of the Star Fox theme song.
“Morning already,” he mumbled, sitting up in his bed. “Oo-kay… slight headache… but that’s okay… I’ll just… ugh…”
He flopped back into his bed.
He pulled up his mobile phone and speed-dialled his friend, Falco.
“Hey, Falco,” said Fox. “Are you in the area?”
“Yes, of course I’m here!” said Falco over the phone. “My room is right next to yours!”
“Yeah, well,” said Fox, “just checking to make sure you haven’t run away again, run-away-er. Isn’t that right, Falco?”
“Fox…”
“Run-away-er…” said Fox angrily. Then he laughed. “Oh, it’s okay, pal. Just making sure you’re okay… and not murdered or anything…”
“Okay,” said Falco, hanging up.
Fox sighed, and got up, shaking his head. “Jeez, some people…” he said to himself. “Hmm, I should have some breakfast.” And he should have had some breakfast. And he did.
When Fox reached the breakfast table, he found Mario, reading the newspaper, and Link, who was staring vacantly at a bowl of oats. He grabbed himself a bowl of Mari-O’s and sat down next to Link.
“Mornin’,” said Link, not looking up.
“Hey,” said Fox, nudging Link, “you’re eating oats. Oats are for horses, horse-boy.”
“Yeah, well, you’re eating Mario-O’s,” said Link, “and… ah, I give up.”
“You’re not exactly the king of insults, are you?” smirked Fox.
“Well… uh…” said Link, sweating.
Link threw a sword at Fox. Luckily, Peach dived in the way and took the sword.
“Ow,” said Peach.
“Wow! That’s real bravery and self sacrifice there! Peach, you should join Star Fox! No wait – Peach, you should be my personal bodyguard!” said Fox.
A pebble rolled onto Peach’s foot. The sheer force made Peach tip over backwards, breaking the floorboards below her.
“OW! OOOW! THE PAIN!” screamed Peach.
“…or maybe not,” said Fox.
“Haha! Fox likes Peach!” teased Link.
“Horse-boy,” said Fox.
Link felt discriminated, and took away a star from the star chart.
“WTF? Since when did we have a star chart?” said Fox angrily.
“Now,” said Link.
“Well, if you told me before, I would have been nice!” said Fox, angrily.
“Okay,” said Link, putting the star back on.
“Yay!” said Fox.
Link looked away.
“Sucker,” said Fox, under his breath.
“What did you say?” asked Link.
“Uh… nothing,” said Fox.
“Oh,” said Link. “I could have sworn you said ‘sucker’.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Fox. “Why would I call you a sucker? You don’t suck. You’re Link! You’ve done all that stuff… though,” he added, “I’ve done so much more.”
Link sighed, and folded his arms. “What have you ever done, Fox?” he demanded.
“I,” replied Fox proudly, “am the leader of Star Fox, the meanest and nicest mercenary thingamajig in the universe!”
“So what?” said Link. “All of the Smashers are pretty good at what they do.”
“But it’s not just that!” said Fox. “I must be the most popular Smasher too! On Master Hand’s web site, I got over 10,000 hits on my profile. Ten thousand! IN YOUR FACE!”
“That doesn’t mean you’re popular,” said Link. “Maybe people clicked on the link out of curiosity, because your name is weird.”
Fox looked at Link, annoyed.
Link smiled sardonically and went back to his bowl of oats.
Fox picked Link’s sword up from the ground and stabbed it into Link’s leg.
“My leg!” shouted Link. “The pain! What the – why would you…”
“Have a nice day,” smiled Fox, standing from his chair.
Fox returned to his room to find Marth sitting on his bed, staring angrily at him.
“…and what are you doing here?” said Fox.
“I am here to kill you!” shouted Marth.
“Come again?” said Fox.
“Sorry. I thought you were Roy,” said Marth, laughing it off.
Fox laughed too. “Good joke,” he commented. “I bet Roy’ll find that real funny.”
“Yep,” said Marth, “funny. As I was joking.”
“Anyways, this is my room,” said Fox.
“Oh,” said Marth.
“Roy’s is further down the hall,” said Fox.
“Oh,” said Marth.
“Yeah, sooo…” said Fox.
“I guess I’ll just go before this conversation becomes really awkward,” said Marth.
“What if it already is awkward?” said Fox.
“Uh… do you want my autograph?” said Marth. “All the Altean girls want my autograph.”
“Do I look like an Altean girl to you?” said Fox.
“…oo-kay,” said Marth, “this really has become awkward.”
He ran out, screaming “KILL ROY! KILL ROY! KILL FOX! KILL ROY!”
Fox slumped back down on his bed, ready to go to sleep.
“Wait,” he said. “What time is it?”
He pulled out his Star Fox™ mobile phone which was also a clock. It wasn’t even 8 in the morning yet.
“All right… I’ll just have to sleep later,” he muttered.
Fox got up and left his room.
He found Young Link, Nana and Popo standing there, with their ears pressed to his wall.
“What the-?” said Fox.
“Oh, HI!” said Young Link really loudly, looking around quickly.
“We were just-” said Popo.
“-standing here,” said Nana.
“Right…” said Fox. “Okay. That makes sense. That makes a lot of sense.”
He looked weirdly at the three kids.
Walk away, Fox, said a little voice in his head. Just walk away.
“Hey, shut up!” said Fox.
“What?” said Young Link.
Now they think you’re talking to yourself, said the little voice, idiot.
“Well, I’m off,” said Fox casually.
He started walking, and kept walking for a while.
“Where am I going?” said Fox.
He thought for a moment. Maybe he’d go for a walk outside. He could use a bit of fresh air.
“It’s great to be outside,” breathed Fox, inhaling deeply as he closed the door to the patio behind him.
“Oh, not you,” said Falco from somewhere behind him.
Fox turned around. “Oh, hi there, Falco,” he said brightly. “Having a good day?”
“I was,” said Falco, looking pointedly at him.
“That’s good to know,” said Fox. “Hey, you know what we should do? The two of us should start a band!”
“That’s just wonderful,” said Falco, arms crossed.
“I can just picture it now,” said Fox. He waved his hands in the air as if drawing a huge advertisement. “Coming soon to a stadium near you – Fox and the Star Foxes!”
Falco stared at him, a dry expression on his face.
“So, what do you think?” said Fox.
“Wouldn’t Fox and Falco be better?” said Falco, arms crossed.
“Yeah, well…” said Fox.
“And neither of us can sing that well,” said Falco.
“Says who?” said Fox.
“Remember last night?” said Falco pointedly.
Samus opened the door, slamming it into Falco’s back.
“Ow!” said Falco, turning around.
“Oops,” said Samus.
Silence.
“Hi, Falco. Hi, Fox,” said Samus.
“Hi Samus, hi Fox,” said Fox, laughing.
Nobody else laughed.
…
…
…
Falco hit Fox in the face.
“Ow!” said Fox. “That… that hurt!”
Falco stared angrily at Fox, while Samus looked on amusedly.
“That, really, really hurt!” said Fox indignantly.
“Oh, really?” said Falco.
“Yes, really,” said Fox. “I think you were trying to hurt me!”
“I was,” said Falco.
“Oh,” said Fox.
Silence.
“…that’s mean,” said Fox.
“I thought it was funny,” said Samus.
“Oh,” said Fox.
Awkward silence.
“Well,” said Fox.
…
“Poke!” said Fox, poking the faceplate of Samus’ helmet.
Deathly silence.
When Fox woke up, an aroma of aloe vera filled the room.
“Hmm… maybe I should have turned off the tap in my bubble bath,” thought Fox to himself.
…
“Wait, I don’t ever take bubble baths,” thought Fox suddenly. “In fact, I don’t even know where all the bubbling stuff is kept. Which means…”
Fox looked around.
A suspiciously Kirby-like lamp shade stood in one corner of the bathroom.
“Hey,” said Fox, “that lamp shade sure looks like silly ol’ Kirby, doesn’t it?”
Nobody said anything, so he went on.
“Is anyone in here?” he said.
Nobody responded.
“Oh,” said Fox. “Haha, silly me. Just ‘cause that lamp shade looked like Kirby I assumed it was Kirby. But actually I’m alone in the room.”
Nobody responded.
Fox got out of the bathtub. He was still wearing all of his clothes.
“Hey, why did I take a bath with my clothes still on?” said Fox aloud. “That’s not like me. I wouldn’t do something that stupid.”
He looked around the room, trying to remember how he had gotten into the bath.
“I don’t remember turning on the taps,” he realised. “In fact–” Recollection of the past ten minutes hit him like a brick. “Samus! That no-good Falco-defending orange-wearing person-killing woman! She knocked me out and dumped me in the bathtub!”
Fox could have sworn the lampshade snickered at him, but he ignored it; he was way too angry.
“I’m going to have to get her back for that,” he decided out loud. “I’m going to play the best practical joke ever!”
He stopped.
“…except that she’ll shoot me again,” he said.
“For crying out loud, stop talking to yourself!” said the lampshade, annoyed.
“Well, sorry,” said Fox. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but sometimes it just feels natural to talk to myself! After all, if everyone else loves talking with me, why shouldn’t I?”
“I don’t love talking to you,” said the lampshade.
“Yeah, well…”
Fox’s voice trailed off as he realised something.
“Wait a minute,” he said, “lampshades don’t go in bathrooms! You’re not a real lampshade!”
“Eek…” said the lampshade. “Uh… okay, you caught me. I’m not really a lampshade.”
“Aha!” said Fox. “Knew it. Who are you, huh?”
“Well, since you asked so nicely, I’m… uh… Bowser…” said the lampshade.
“Aha!” said Fox. “I’m just too clever for you, aren’t I, Bowser?”
“Yep,” said the lampshade in its high-pitched squeaky Bowser voice, “that’s right. Why don’t you go hit me or something?”
“Why would I want to hurt you, Bowser?” said Fox.
“Well,” said the lampshade, “I just ate your favourite… mittens…”
Fox stared blankly. “I don’t have favourite mittens.”
“Uh… yes you do, and I ate them, with by big scary teeth,” said the lampshade.
“What!? No! How could you, Bowser?” said Fox. “I’m going to have to play a trick on you and Samus now!”
“It’s true,” said the lampshade. “And, uh, maybe you should, uh, rip off my limbs and give them to Kirby.”
“An excellent idea,” said Fox, positively brimming with fury. “Now stay still so I can hurt you!”
The lampshade ran out of the room.
“Oh, no you don’t,” said Fox, running out of the room after him. If Bowser and Samus and everyone else was going to gang up on him today, he was going to prove to them that he really, really meant business. And how better to do that than to make an example of Bowser?
He kicked down the door to the bathroom (even though it was already open) and strode into the hallway, dripping wet and covered with soap bubbles.
“Maybe Master Hand will give me a Coolness Award for doing this,” thought Fox.
He pulled out his laser blaster from its hip holster and turned off the safety.
“Does Master Hand give out Coolness Awards?” he wondered.
He glanced both ways to see where Bowser had gone, but the hallway was entirely empty.
“Hey, Fox,” said Kirby from waist-height.
“Hey, Kirby,” said Fox, looking down. “Where did he go?”
“Uh, thataway,” said Kirby, pointing vaguely in the distance. “And he took off his lampshade disguise.”
“Thanks,” said Fox, and he started jogging in the direction Kirby had pointed. How stupid of Bowser to assume that there’d be no witnesses.
He raced down a staircase to the second floor, taking the steps two at a time, swinging his gun wildly around in case Bowser suddenly appeared.
He stopped at the second-floor landing and looked around wildly. Bowser was somewhere in the Smash Mansion, but where…?
“Hey, Fox,” said Bowser croakily from behind him. “You wouldn’t believe the morning I’m having–”
Fox dived away from Bowser, spinning around in midair, and started firing madly with his blaster.
Dozens of high-intensity laser shots whistled into Bowser’s hide, leaving burn marks everywhere. Bowser yelled in pain as, with a hiss of black smoke, he began to smell his own flesh burning.
“Gotcha,” said Fox, winking. He spun his gun around by the trigger, accidentally firing a shot at the ceiling, and shoved it into his holster. He took a step back and crossed his arms, winking at Bowser.
“Now was that cool or what?” he said.
“What was that for!?” said Bowser, wide-eyed, staring at the burns in his chest.
“Oh, you want some more, do you?” quipped Fox in the most suave voice he could manage. “Well, that’s okay, ‘cause I’ve got plenty more to give, if you know what I mean. I’m a giving monster – I’m the vending machine of giving. If you want some, you’re gonna get some from me, and it’s gonna hurt ‘cause I sure know how to give.”
“What are you on?” said Bowser, taking a step forward.
A step forward! Bowser was trying to attack him!
Fox whipped his gun out and pulled the trigger.
The gun fizzled as the water from the bathtub messed with its circuits.
“Uh-oh,” said Fox.
He threw the gun at Bowser. It bounced off Bowser’s head and clattered down the stairwell.
“Ow!” said Bowser.
“Um…” said Fox, realising that he’d lost his gun. “Bye.”
He ran down the hallway as fast as he could.
He finally stopped running, and, slowing down, threw a glance behind him. Nobody was there.
“Well, I showed him,” said Fox, grinning. Then his face grew serious – though he had extracted his revenge on Bowser for… whatever it was that he’d done, he was now missing his blaster.
He stuck his head around the corner. Bowser was gone.
“Well,” he said, “better get that gun back.”
He walked down to the bottom of the stairwell.
“There you are!” said Fox, smiling.
The gun wasn’t there.
“There you are!” said Fox, a little louder.
The gun still wasn’t there.
“That’s not good…” said Fox. The blaster packed quite a punch, and if one of the kids started running around shooting it at stuff, Master Hand might get all worked up.
He dashed up the staircase and looked around wildly.
“Okay… someone took my blaster… that’s okay… I can find it…” he said.
He opened a random door and burst in.
“Hey, anyone seen my gun?” he said.
“Pika pi pi pikachu chu?” said Pikachu, which probably meant ‘you lost your gun?’.
“Uh… what I meant to say is,” said Fox, quickly putting on the most charming British accent he could, “I was doing a bit of dancing with the devil, and putting on a bit of spark and fizzle. And my blaster, which I don’t need as I am so cool that I can fight without it, was moved without my knowledge as part of a fancy, uh, psychological experiment. So if you know where it is, please tell me.” He put on Strong-Handsome Face no. 3.
Pikachu stared at him with a confused, worried expression.
Fox winked a couple of times for good measure.
“Pika… chupi ku…” Pikachu shook his head slowly.
“Iggly jig jig,” said Jigglypuff loudly and menacingly, rolling upside-down.
“Fine,” said Fox, switching to I-Don’t-Care Face no. 1. “Be that way. I’ll find it. I’m just worried some stupid Pokemon might hurt themselves with it.”
A bit of dried papier-mâché hit him in the head.
“Ow!” said Fox, and he stepped out of the room and started walking down the hallway.
“Okay,” he said to himself. “The blaster has to be somewhere. Just–”
Captain Falcon came running down the hallway in the panic.
“Where is he?” he said. “Where is he?”
“What?” said Fox, craning his neck to see Falcon as he ran past. “Hey, have you seen my blaster?” Falcon didn’t reply, so Fox shrugged. “Meh.”
Well, nobody seemed to want to help. Fox realised that he was going to have to find it by himself.
“That’s okay,” he said aloud. “I’ve never needed help for anything in my life.”
“You lost your blaster?” said Falco, bemused.
“Just shut up!” said Fox sulkily into his phone, as he paced through the various rooms of the Mansion. “I’m your leader, remember?”
“So what?” said Falco.
“Birdbrain,” said Fox angrily.
“Um… right,” said Falco. He sighed. “Fine, I’ll help. Where did you last see it?”
“I dropped it down the stairs,” said Fox.
“You – did you look at the bottom of the stairs?”
“Duh, I looked,” said Fox. “It wasn’t there, Falco. I already said so. Say something useful.” Stupid Falco.
“Okay,” snapped Falco. “Who could have taken it, then?”
“Anyone, I guess,” said Fox. “Mario, Pichu, Roy… not me of course, ha, ha, but really, just about anyone could have picked it up.”
“Well,” said Falco, “why don’t–” He breathed in sharply.
“What is it?” said Fox.
“Nothing… why don’t you just go through all the people here and think of who would have the motivation to take your blaster.”
“Fine,” said Fox. “Okay, Mario. He’s the bigshot kingdom-saving plumber, and maybe he’s angry at me for winning my last match against him. He could have taken it to disadvantage me.”
“I guess…” said Falco uncertainly.
“Luigi, too. He’s jealous of his brother, so he could have stolen my blaster to prove that he’s better than Mario.”
“That makes no sense whatsoever, Fox.”
“Well, maybe it was Peach. She’s just weird; she’d just take stuff for the sake of it. Or Jigglypuff; she’s a bit funny as well. They’d both do something stupid like that because they were bored.”
“Uh-huh…”
“Pikachu? Pichu? They might have done it; ‘specially the little one. After all, I’m sure they’d love something to shoot with in their little stupid Pokemon games. Stupid. And I bet Kirby would use it to rob a food store.” Fox’s voice grew angry. “Yeah. Stupid Kirby. He should have tripped Bowser up so I could catch him sooner. Kirby would steal a gun to get food. So would Yoshi. That dumb little dinosaur. What’s he ever done to me that was nice? Nana and Popo and Young Link probably would use it to hurt someone. Those kids can be so violent.”
“Yep,” said Falco noncommittally.
“What about the bigger Link?” said Fox suddenly. “What would he do? Maybe he’s sick of having a sword and wants a gun!” That was a pretty clever idea, thought Fox. He’d have to write it down later. “Zelda and Ganondorf might also want that blaster for the same reason! Those two are so annoying!”
“Mm,” said Falco.
“And I bet Donkey Kong and Mewtwo are evil enough to shoot someone with my blaster. They’re all evil! The lot of them! What about Captain Falcon? Or Bowser? Those two were being annoying to me this morning! And Samus is a stupid stupid-head!”
“Uh-huh,” said Falco.
Fox went on. “You know who else is a stupid stupid-head? Everyone else! Marth! Roy! That Game and Watch guy! Um… was there anyone else?” He couldn’t think of any. “That, or me or you. Or Master Hand. And I don’t think any of us would want to take my gun.”
“Yup,” said Falco.
“I hate them all!” said Fox loudly into the phone. “Whoever took my blaster… why, I’ll kill him! Or her! Or them! And painfully!”
He stood there, breathing heavily into the phone.
“Oh, are you done?” said Falco.
“Yes,” said Fox, a nasty grin on his face.
“Well, I’m sure you worked it out,” said Falco.
“Were you even listening!?” said Fox, incensed.
dial tone, said Falco.
“I bet you were just ignoring me!” said Fox, raising his voice.
dial tone, said Falco.
“Yeah, well, you know what? I’ll kill you too!” shouted Fox into the phone.
Fox hung up.
“Loser,” said Fox loudly.
8.29 AM
Fox stomped unhappily into the kitchen, where he was immediately confronted by an amazing sight.
“What… what is that?” he said, jaw dropping.
“Isn’t it beautiful?” sighed Kirby from next to him.
‘It’ was a gigantic sleek fridge, sitting right in the middle of the room and taking up a ridiculous amount of floor space.
“Yeah…” said Fox. “Wow, that’s a pretty cool fridge.” All murderous thoughts were suddenly forgotten as he stared at the marvel of modern engineering.
He glanced quickly to both sides and noticed that there were a lot of people in the room, getting food while sneaking glances at the massive refrigerator.
“Did it cost any money?” said someone behind him. Fox glanced over his shoulder; it was Roy, and he didn’t seem to have that blaster on him.
“We won it in a radio contest!” exclaimed Kirby excitedly.
Fox raised his eyebrows at that. A radio contest giving out such massive prizes? “That’s a pretty big prize,” he said.
Kirby and Ness grinned at each other, as if they knew something nobody else did.
“Iggly jig jig jig?” said Jigglypuff, pushing into the circle of fridge-admirers along with Pikachu.
“What?” said Fox. “I don’t understand Pokemon.”
“She said that she thought you were outside stealing from Captain Falcon,” said Ness, translating quickly in that annoying nerd way of his.
“Oh,” said Kirby. “You mean this?”
He reached into his mouth and pulled out a plastic bag full of sticky, half-melted marshmallows.
Jigglypuff clapped enthusiastically and laughed, while Pikachu looked on, disgruntled.
“I was going to use it to demonstrate the fridge,” said Kirby.
“Nice fridge,” said Fox.
“Okay, watch this,” said Kirby.
“Hey, don’t you need to plug it in?” said Roy, wiping something off his mouth.
“Actually, no,” said Ness, looking quite pleased. “This thing is so extremely efficient in its power consumption, it actually gets energy by splitting atoms! You could stick a glass of water in there and power it for a week.”
Everyone stared blankly.
“The fridge is soooo awesome that you don’t need to plug it in,” clarified Kirby.
“Ooh,” said everyone, including Fox. That was a pretty awesome fridge.
“Yep,” continued Kirby, “this is the best fridge ever.”
“Show us how it works!” said someone who Fox couldn’t see over the others’ heads.
“Sure!” said Kirby. He pulled the melted marshmallows out of the bag. “Okay, everyone look closely. Melted marshmallows, right?”
Everyone murmured in agreement.
“Okay, watch this,” said Kirby, reaching for the fridge handle.
“Excuse me,” said Ness, pushing past. Fox glanced at him, annoyed.
Kirby had closed the fridge again. “Now, if we just give it a few seconds…”
Fox held his breath, watching closely.
“…okay, it should be cool now.” With a flourish, Kirby pulled the fridge door wide open–
Fox’s jaw dropped.
The outside of the fridge had been sleek and elegant, but the inside of the fridge was just… beautiful. It was indescribable. It was wonderful. As he stared upon the fridge, he realised that it was the best experience he’d ever had. This refrigerator, Fox realised, was the Platonic ideal upon which all fridges before it had been unknowingly modelled. It was a perfect combination of colour, sound, smell, touch, taste… Fox sank to his knees in awe.
“Fridge…” he gasped.
Without realising it, he felt himself moving towards the light – that warm, inviting light of the interior of the fridge, which seemed to be talking to him, telling him that everything was going to be all right, it was all going to be okay… he felt truly happy–
Kirby closed the door of the fridge.
Fox let out a breath, and around him he could hear other people doing the same.
“Pretty cool, huh?” Kirby said.
“That’s… incredible…” whispered Captain Falcon from nearby.
“No, not the fridge, silly,” said Kirby. He pointed at his hand. “The marshmallows. Look!”
And they saw, and they believed: after just twenty seconds in the fridge, the marshmallows had unmelted and returned to their original, perfectly round forms. They were soft and springy, as if they had never melted – there was even a hint of icing sugar on the top. A glazed cherry pierced one of the marshmallows.
“A fridge did that?” said Fox, but even as the words left his mouth he knew it was possible. That fridge was magical…
“Isn’t it cool?” said Kirby. “I’m gonna enter that radio contest again tomorrow – I mean, next week. They’re giving out a matching stove!”
Fox shook his head in amazement. With a crazy smiled on his face, he backed out of the kitchen…
…straight into Bowser. “Hey,” said Bowser, holding up a plastic cup. “Want to try some cordial?”
“Uh…” said Fox. Something about Bowser… had he been angry at Bowser before? How silly…
“It’s homemade,” insisted Bowser.
“Sure, why not?” said Fox. He grabbed the cup from Bowser and downed it in a single gulp.
He considered the taste.
“Tastes… funny,” he said after a while. “Not sure if that’s a good ‘funny’ or a bad ‘funny’.”
“Thanks anyway,” said Bowser. He sidled off.
But all Fox could think about was Kirby’s amazing new fridge.
“Falco!” said Fox, spying his bestest friend. Who was a loser. “I’ve been looking all over for you! Where were you?”
“With Samus,” said Falco.
“What? Samus? Why?” said Fox. “Samus sucks! She never changes clothes!”
Falco gave him a weird look. “So, did you find out who stole your blaster?”
“Nope,” said Fox, “but I don’t want to kill anyone anymore.”
“You wanted to kill someone?” said Falco, slightly worried.
“It was because of that fridge in the kitchen,” explained Fox. “It changed me.”
“Right, thanks,” said Falco, sounding quite concerned now.
“So,” said Fox, “what were you doing with Samus, huh?”
“Why should I tell you?” said Falco, crossing his arms.
“Uh, because I’m your best friend duh,” said Fox, crossing his arms too.
Falco muttered something.
“What?” said Fox.
“If you must know,” said Falco, “I and Samus were–” He stopped.
“Were what?” said Fox.
“Did you hear that?” said Falco.
“Hear what?” said Fox, glancing behind him. “Are you trying to change the subject?”
A gunshot rang across the grounds.
They looked at each other.
“How?” murmured Falco.
“Dunno,” said Fox. “That’s pretty nasty, though.”
Mario was on the ground, with a bullet hole in his head, and he was not moving.
“I think he’s dead,” said Fox, upon further consideration.
“No, really?” said Samus bitingly, slipping in between them. “Falco, Fox.”
“Samus,” nodded Falco.
The three of them stood, staring over Mario, as a crowd began to form over the body.
“This is so… surreal,” said Fox.
“Yeah, I think this is the first time I’ve seen a dead body up close… at least, the dead body of someone I know,” said Falco.
“Can’t say the same,” said Samus.
They stared at the body.
“You know, I once killed a man with my bare hands,” began Samus.
“Not the time,” said Falco.
They stared at the body.
“Mario shouldn’t have died like this…” he said.
“Blah, blah, blah,” muttered Fox.
Falco shot him a dirty look.
“…Mario was shot,” said Link. “No – he was killed…”
“Oh, look at me, I’m Link,” said Fox under his breath, “I’m so pretentious and nice, oh, I’ll just take advantage of Mario’s death to tell everyone to be nice too.”
“Fox, shut up,” said Falco.
“This is beyond wrong…” said Link.
“Blah, blah, blah,” said Fox.
Samus hit him.
“…heard them arguing, though,” Falco was saying.
“You did?” said Samus. “Interesting…”
“Ugh,” said Fox. “My head…”
“Yeah, getting hit in the face with a metal-armoured hand will do that to you.” Samus didn’t sound particularly concerned.
“My lovely face…” said Fox.
“So, Fox,” said Falco, rudely interrupting him, “who do think shot Mario?”
“I have no idea,” said Fox. “Maybe one of Master Hand’s competitors?”
“Like who?” said Falco.
“Uh… I dunno, but I’m sure there are plenty of people who want to get this fighting tournament of Master Hand’s shut down,” said Fox. “Like… evil people. Star Wolf. Or that hedgehog with the whiny voice. They might have hired a professional assassin to come in and shoot him.”
“Professional assassin?” said Samus. “Like, a freelance mercenary?”
“Professional assassin?” said Falco. “Like, a bounty hunter?”
The three of them exchanged suspicious glances.
“That’s ridiculous, you know,” said Samus. “I think somebody would have noticed if a suspicious-looking assassin came traipsing around the Mansion.”
“Yeah, well, maybe it was a ninja assassin,” said Fox.
“Moving right along…” said Falco quickly.
Fox slipped into the gymnasium and people started cheering.
“Thank you, thank you,” he said, beaming. “I know you all love me, but really, one at a time.”
He noticed that they were cheering at Link, who was competing in a fencing tournament. Which was more broadsword-style than fencing.
“Oh,” he said.
The doors flew open behind him, knocking him off his feet.
“Ow!” he cried.
Pikachu and Jigglypuff ran into the room, tears in their eyes.
“Pii Pika Pichu Pika Pichu pi!” cried Pikachu.
“What!?” cried Link from across the room.
“What did he say?” said Fox, getting to his feet.
“Pichu’s dead,” thought Mewtwo to everyone.
Gasps of shock and horror all around.
Pikachu raced out of the room, closely followed by Jigglypuff and then by the rest of the Smashers in a frenzied mass. Fox tagged along near the back, and very soon they were right outside the front door, where they all crowded around another limp body on the front steps.
“Pichu?” gasped someone from nearby.
Pichu’s head had been bashed in with something extremely heavy – but there was not a trace of a blunt weapon anywhere.
“That’s… horrible…” said Fox. “Who could have done such a thing?”
“I don’t know,” said Donkey Kong.
“I wasn’t talking to you!” said Fox.
“Yeah, well…” said DK, trailing off.
Fox felt something brush against his leg. He turned around and there was Bowser, dashing back inside.
“What are you doing, Bowser?” he called.
“Medical supplies,” replied Bowser, dashing in the direction of the kitchen. “He might still be alive.”
“Huh,” said Fox.
He went around, trying to find Falco amongst all the people.
Instead, he smacked straight into Peach, who was chewing on something.
“Hiya!” said Peach.
“Hey, Peach!” he said. “Have you seen Falco?”
“Uh-huh,” said Peach.
“Where?” said Fox.
“Uh-huh,” said Peach.
“What?” said Fox.
“Uh-huh,” said Peach.
“Roy’s been stabbed!” cried someone from inside.
Everybody gasped.
Everybody was crowded into the living room. Master Hand was talking.
“Okay,” he said. “So, Mario is dead. So are Pichu and Roy.”
“Who killed them?” asked Ganondorf loudly.
“Bowser!” said Master Hand.
Everybody gasped.
“Hahaha, just kidding,” said Master Hand.
Everybody put their pitchforks down. Bowser exhaled in relief.
“Well, I’m in charge, so I’ll just make an official announcement; lay down all the facts,” said Master Hand. “Mario was shot out the front at around nine thirty-something. Pichu’s skull was bashed in by a blunt weapon of some sort, also on the front steps, sometime after ten. And Roy… he was stabbed to death with a pool cue shortly afterwards.”
“Well, isn’t that ironic,” said Marth. “After murdering me at pool, he was murdered with the very same pool cue.”
Peach laughed.
Everybody looked at Peach.
“Don’t you get it?” said Peach.
“Wait… Marth, are you confessing?” said Fox sharply.
“Now, now,” said Master Hand, “let’s not jump to conclusions. The murderer was probably someone from the outside…”
“No, actually,” said Link. “I and a couple of others have been asking around. There’s no way that the killer could have escaped undetected. The murderer… was one of us.”
Everybody gasped. Several of the more sensitive people in the room screamed or yelped in fear.
Master Hand was shocked. “One of my hand-picked Smash Brothers? A killer? That’s… that can’t be… I mean…” He seemed lost for words.
Instantly, everyone started talking amongst themselves, trying to make sense of the horror that this morning had become.
Falco made a motion with his hands, beckoning Fox off to the side of the room. Fox was momentarily annoyed – he was the leader, not Falco – but he followed anyway.
“So,” said Falco, looking just as horrified, “one of the Smash Brothers killed all those people.”
“Maybe it was more than one,” said Fox. “Or maybe it’s even a cycle of death! You know? Pichu shot Mario, and then Roy bashed Pichu’s head in, and then Mario stabbed Roy with a pool cue.”
Samus slipped in to join them.
“What’s she doing here?” said Fox.
“Hey,” said Falco, “I put up with it when you let that phony psychic join our mercenary team.”
“Krystal was not phony!” said Fox heatedly.
Falco clutched his head with his hands. “I sense…” he hissed, “…these ships, shooting at us… are… hostile…”
“So,” said Samus, pushing Falco’s arms down playfully, “how about them gruesome murders, eh?”
“You seem pretty unconcerned about all this death,” said Falco.
“Yeah,” said Fox. “Why are you two holding hands?”
“Well,” said Samus, “after having killed so much, I’ve become desensitised to the whole thing. It’s kind of fun at times.”
“You’re crazy!” said Fox. “Mario, Pichu and Roy are dead!”
“Everybody dies,” shrugged Samus.
“That’s morbid,” said Falco. “And don’t you feel sorry for them?”
“I guess,” said Fox slowly, “that Mario wasn’t quite as virtuous as, say, Link… definitely not Roy…”
“So they deserved to die!?” said Falco. “And what about Pichu? He was completely innocent.”
Samus shook her head. “Nobody is perfect.”
Falco sighed. “Clearly, we’re not going to see eye-to-eye on this…”
“Hey,” said Fox suddenly, “if the murderer is a Smash Brother, it could be one of us.”
“Right…” said Falco, sounding annoyed. “Well, fine. I didn’t murder anyone. Fox, Samus, did either of you kill somebody today?”
“I killed a fly, haha,” said Fox.
Nobody laughed.
Okay, these people had lost all sense of humour. “…but no, I didn’t. I wouldn’t lie about something like that.”
“Anybody has secrets,” said Samus, “and no, I didn’t kill any of the Smashers. But I once killed a man with my bare hands…”
“I don’t care,” said Fox loudly.
The three of them glanced at each other. Tension was brewing.
“You know what?” said Samus. “Just tell him, Falco. Let’s not let petty stuff get between us today.”
“Tell me what?” said Fox, looking between the two of them. “What aren’t you two telling me?”
Falco sighed. “Sure. Okay, I’ll tell him… by myself, if you don’t mine.”
“Sure thing, Falc’,” said Samus, politely excusing herself. She walked off, tripping over Yoshi on the way out.
When she was out of earshot, Falco looked at Fox.
“What is it?” said Fox, suddenly worried that he wouldn’t like whatever it was that Falco had to say.
“I’m quitting Star Fox,” said Falco.
“What!?” said Fox. “Why? We’re best friends!”
“Maybe for you,” said Falco. “All I know is that I’m tired of all this. Sorry, but that’s just… yeah.”
Fox was devastated. “You’re the only funny guy on the team! You can’t leave.”
“I can, and I am,” said Falco. “I’m sorry.”
Fox felt a tear slip down his cheek.
“Also,” said Falco, “I stole your blaster.”
“What?” said Fox, fists clenched.
“I stole your blaster,” said Falco, “because I didn’t want you to do anything stupid. I saw you shooting randomly at Bowser before…”
“That was revenge,” said Fox acidly.
“…and I just couldn’t stand the thought of you running around with a loaded weapon. I’m sorry.” Falco shifted uncomfortably on the spot. “Really. That seems so trivial now, with all these dead people, doesn’t it?”
“Yes,” said Fox, and suddenly he felt his quiet rage turning into a silent, murderous impulse.
“Well,” said Falco, “let’s put past differences aside. We’re still friends, aren’t we?” He pulled the gun out from behind him, and held it out in front.
“Yeah,” said Fox, “still friends.”
He grabbed the gun and pointed it straight at Falco’s face.
“Not,” he added.
Falco didn’t laugh.
“Fox, what are you doing?” he said, sounding worried.
“I’m taking my revenge,” said Fox. People were still talking around them; nobody had noticed yet. “Nobody messes with my authority and gets away with it.”
“Fox, this is madness,” said Falco. “You can’t possibly want to shoot me…”
Fox shot him in the eye. Falco staggered back, clutching at it, and Fox glanced at his gun only to realise that it was turned to the lowest power setting. He spun a dial so that the next shot would penetrate.
“Augh! Fox! You crazy…” began Falco.
Fox brought up the gun and fired.
Falco dived out of the way, and this time the shot was loud enough that people turned and looked.
Shouting, screaming, yelling, confusion. Fox didn’t care. He kept his eye on Falco’s moving form and fired again. He missed, hitting someone in the crowd. He pulled the trigger again, but bloodlust was dulling his aim and the shot went askew…
…the laser beam slammed into the room light, frying it. They were plunged into darkness.
“Fox, drop the gun,” said Falco’s voice from nearby, and Fox spun and fired again. And again. And again.
And then somebody dove on top of him, tackling, and he struggled and kicked and held on tight to the blaster…
…but the person on top of him dodged his haphazard blows, and, in the complete darkness, wrestled the gun from him.
Now that he was calmer, Fox started choking on his own tears. What had he done?
Then, he started choking on the barrel of his own gun.
I’m choking, he thought, someone just shoved my blaster down my throat.
He tried to say something, but the gun was in the way.
I’m going to die, he realised.
And he started flailing wildly, trying to pull the gun out of his throat, but the other person was forcing it down, and all his yells for help were muffled, and he could barely hear himself above the screams of all the people who still thought he was shooting at them. And already, it was growing fainter, and the painful inability to breathe was gnawing deeper into his consciousness. This was what dying was like. He’d always wondered…
Fox’s final thoughts were of the fridge–
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