Author's Notes: Thank you all for your reviews for 18, they were some of the nicest I've had! I appologise the last chapter was a little slow but some chapters do actually need to be. Hugs, Ella xXx.

Chapter 19

Kitty’s plans did not come to a fore that evening. Jane rebuffed the idea saying that she did not feel it was particularly romantic to be forced into offering like that. She gently reminded Kitty of her own proposal which we all thought was rather romantic. Kitty had been arranging the floral displays at the church in place of old Miss Lewis who was ill. Mr Thursfield, who as I have mentioned before was working as the as Curate in the small church at Longbourn, for his uncle. Kitty had been visiting regularly and had taken to helping out. While Kitty was working on the flowers for Sunday service Mr Thursfield had handed her a rose and proposed to her. For u it had been quite unexpected, Kitty having never confided her feelings to us. Although she was already in love with him she had apparently never expected him to propose to her. Especially given her situation: disgraced and poor.

I was thankful to Jane for not attempting to meddle in my business. Truthfully, I did not expect him to propose to me at all, it seemed that he had no intention of it. Besides I was beginning to be of the opinion that although he was not in mourning it would be rather vulgar to propose after such a short time. Well, if he was going to propose anyway.

Instead we passed the evening playing cards and listening to Mr Thursfield reading to us all, before retiring for the evening.

I was early to rise the following morning, it was about half past seven and still dark. Dressing myself in a plain pale blue muslin and a thick woollen coat I hurried outside for a walk. The weather outside was lovely, crisp and frosty it almost looked as if it had snowed. The gardeners were not about yet, so I made my way across to the walled garden. One of the under gardeners had informed me that if I were to ever meet Winifred my best chance would be if there was nobody about. Though not really believing in ghosts I was eager to see for myself, if there was even the smallest chance that the local myth about the young girl was true.

The plan was foiled though, for the walled garden was not unoccupied as I had assumed. Apparently someone was up even earlier than I that morning. It was a strange coincidence that whenever we should be walking out we always seemed to run into one another. Our walks were never prearranged, and it was a rare occasion that I would inhabit the same walks. Nevertheless, almost everyday without fail we seemed to end up running into one another. Then we would walk together for some time before returning together to the house. Though I could not explain this phenomenon I did not object to it, and apparently neither did Mr Darcy.

He was standing in front of a willow tree on the opposite side of the garden his back to me so he had not noticed me, his gloves and hat lying disregarded on a bench. Suddenly my mischievous streak overtook and instead of calling out to him I decided to sneak up behind him quietly. He did not hear my approach at all apparently he was too engrossed in his private meditation. Only feet away from him I stopped thinking if I came any closer he was bound to hear. I spoke out loud, “Please sir, have you seen Nicholas?” he stiffened visibly but made no move to turn around. I took a step closer took my glove off and slipped my cold hand into his, “Have you seen my brother, I cannot find him, sir?” I asked in the voice of a young girl.

He jumped a little at the contact and turned to face me, “My god Elizabeth do not do that to me, you shall send me to an early grave! Your hands are so cold I thought you really were Winifred De Mowbray.” I could not help but laugh at his apparent shock. It had been just what I was hoping for. I led him over to a bench for he had gone so white that I really did think that he was going to faint. He calmed after several minutes and saw the funny side of my prank, “Tell me Miss Bennet was it your aim to give me apoplexy do you truly want me dead?”

“No sir, I would never wish such a fate on you.” I said. “But really sir I hope that this has taught you not to terrify your sister and I with stories of ghosts in the future.”

“I will promise, but only if you agree not to be so vindictive in the future.”

“I was not being vindictive!”

“Miss Bennet, you tried to kill me!” There was laughter in his eyes as he spoke.

“I thought sir, that we had already cleared that misunderstanding up. I have no intention of ever killing you.”

“I am relieved to hear that you hold me in such high regard, that you would spare me that fate.”

“You make me sound like a mass murderer.” I cried with exaggerated affront in response to his teasing.

He looked at me strangely again and fell silent again, for several minutes. Three times he opened his mouth as if to say something and then did not. Three times I almost spoke to him too. Eventually he took hold of my un-gloved hand. “You have not put your glove back on Elizabeth.” he said softly. I made no move to do so, “Are you not going to put it back on? Your sister would never forgive me if you caught cold again.” again I remained still. “Here allow me then,” he reached out for the glove. But before he put it back on he paused, “Miss Bennet, I fear there is something that I must speak with you about.” he looked incredibly serious. I made no response, “You may hate me for saying this, but I can go no longer without speaking. Will you… do you…?” He stopped and took deep breath. “Will you marry me?” he suddenly blurted out.

I looked at him a little blankly shocked by his bluntness. He suddenly looked away and dropped my hand. Once again, his attention was all for the willow tree in the corner of the garden. “Damn!” he eventually muttered, “That was not how it was supposed to come out.” I could not suppress a smile. He turned just at that same moment, “I mean it though Miss Bennet. I love you. I do believe that I have always loved you, there was never a time that I did not. And I can only hope that your feelings will allow you to accept my proposal, if not today then in the future. If you could give me some reason to hope, but if not then I shall never speak on this subject again.”

“I do believe that you are getting better at this,” I said with a smirk.

“Please Elizabeth do not tease so.” He looked tortured. Taking pity on him I answered him with the only possible answer that he could have received. An answer I could have given him a very long time ago had the opportunity presented. Had he only had the opportunity to ask…

“Yes!”

An expression of intensely heartfelt delight, diffused over his face, and he told me of his feelings, which, in proving of what importance I was to him, made his affection every moment more valuable. We walked on, without knowing in what direction. There was too much to be thought, and felt, and said, for attention to any other objects. Finally he raised the subject of my change in feeling for him. Darcy mentioned his letter. “Did it,” said he, “did it soon make you think better of me? Did you, on reading it, give any credit to its contents?”

I explained what its effect on me had been, and how gradually all my former prejudices had been removed. “Though you know my opinion of you was already beginning to change when I met you again. You had changed, your manners were greatly improved – after our initial disagreement – but I confess I did not fully understand you until I had read the letter. I cannot believe that I accused you of such a terrible falsehood.”

“What did you say of me, that I did not deserve? For, though your accusations were ill-founded, formed on mistaken premises, my behaviour to you at the time had merited the severest reproof. I cannot be so easily reconciled to myself. The recollection of what I then said, of my conduct, my manners, and my expressions during the whole of it, is now, and has been many years, inexpressibly painful to me. Your reproof, so well applied, I shall never forget: ‘had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner.’ Those were your words. You know not, you can scarcely conceive, how they have tortured me;—though it was some time, I confess, before I was reasonable enough to allow their justice.”

“I was certainly very far from expecting them to make so strong an impression. I had not the smallest idea of their being ever felt in such a way.”

“I can easily believe it. You thought me then devoid of every proper feeling, I am sure you did. The turn of your countenance I shall never forget, as you said that I could not have addressed you in any possible way that would induce you to accept me.”

“Oh! Do not repeat what I then said. These recollections will not do at all. I assure you that I have long been most heartily ashamed of it.”

“And I cannot forget how despicably I acted at that time either.”

“You must learn some of my philosophy. Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure.”

“I cannot give you credit for any philosophy of the kind. Your retrospections must be so totally void of reproach, that the contentment arising from them is not of philosophy, but, what is much better, of innocence. But with me, it is not so. Painful recollections will intrude which cannot, which ought not, be repelled. I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principle. As a child I was taught what was right, but I was not taught to correct my temper. I was given good principles, but left to follow them in pride and conceit. Unfortunately an only son (for many years an only child), I was spoilt by my parents, who, though good themselves (my father, particularly, all that was benevolent and amiable), allowed, encouraged, almost taught me to be selfish and overbearing; to care for none beyond my own family circle; to think meanly of all the rest of the world; to wish at least to think meanly of their sense and worth compared with my own. Such I was, from eight to eight and twenty; and such I might still have been but for you, dearest, loveliest Elizabeth! What do I not owe you! You taught me a lesson, hard indeed at first, but most advantageous. By you, I was properly humbled. I came to you without a doubt of my reception. You showed me how insufficient were all my pretensions to please a woman worthy of being pleased.”

“Had you then persuaded yourself that I should?”

“Indeed I had. What will you think of my vanity? I believed you to be wishing, expecting my addresses.”

“My manners must have been in fault, but not intentionally, I assure you. I never meant to deceive you, but my spirits might often lead me wrong. How you must have hated me after that evening?”

“Hate you! I was angry perhaps at first, but my anger soon began to take a proper direction.”

“I am almost afraid of asking what you thought of me, when I was there in your sitting room last November. You blamed me for coming?”

“No indeed; I felt nothing but surprise. Well who could not have been surprised to find you in such circumstances?”

“But you seemed so cross with me, when you called me into your office that morning. I thought you were to send me away.”

“I admit it was difficult for me, and the thought did cross my mind. I was uncomfortable to be sure. There you were, the woman who I could freely admit I still loved, and she was working as the governess to my wife’s children. The wife, who I need not add I was unhappily married to. You cannot know how tortured I felt upon seeing you there. But I was too selfish to send you away, how could I? Besides there was still a sort of anger about me, probably brought about by my unhappy situation that wished to show you by every civility in my power that I was not so mean as to resent the past; and I hoped to obtain your forgiveness, to lessen your ill opinion, by letting you see that your reproofs had been attended to. Also there was a vain wish to show you the error of your ways, what you had missed out on. How soon any other wishes introduced themselves I can hardly tell, but I believe in about half an hour after I had seen you. But then they seemed like a pointless dream, it was impossible.” He explained with a look of acute agony on his face. I squeezed his hand to offer him what comfort I could, “You cannot know how many times I have wanted to declare myself to you this last year. That morning when you were crying in the schoolroom I believe that I would have. Had you not run off.”

“I was confused and hurt.”

“Yes, I know you were hurt but I still do not know why. What had Arabella said to you that had distressed you so much?”

“She implied to her guests that I was your mistress.” A look of indignation covered his face and he said that it was little wonder that I had run away, after he had stormed in and kissed me.

We continued on walking, right towards the boundaries of Ashton Magna, discussing our plans. He told me that he had never meant to tell me today and exactly why. Darcy did not feel that we should be married too soon. People would talk, he said. Not that he particularly care what other people thought, for he would wish to marry me as soon as may be. But he would not have people thinking poorly of me.

Had anyone been saying anything I wanted to know when he said that. But apparently not, Lady Newlyn had been discrete. Probably her silence stemmed from the shame admitting to what Lady Arabella had revealed, would reflect poorly on her sister. However, perhaps now she would not hold her tongue as well as before and would be quite quick in pointing out that he was remarrying so soon after his wife had passed away, and to the governess no less!

Whatever his reasons I had no real objection. Though both of us would have liked to have been married as soon as possible it was not a plausible option for us. I was in the Llewellyn’s service and could not leave them in the lurch without any warning and without a governess to replace me. I would not leave without saying goodbye to them either; after all we were very close to one another. They had helped me a great deal these last few months. Shaken me out of my misery and returned me to my normal mood. I would like to think that I had been of some assistance to them too. They would always hold a place in my heart. Even if I had gone arrived unwillingly at Cresocartref House.

Otherwise, if I had had the option, I would have married him as soon as possible.

So we came to a conclusion. It was very simple really. We would wait until the summer to be married. It seemed such a long time away. We would keep our engagement a secret, well at least as much of a secret as possible considering there would be at least ten other people who would know the truth of it. He would have to apply to Uncle Gardiner, as neither of us were willing to hide our engagement completely. Consequently all my family would be told, and so would Georgiana. Though perhaps not the rest of his family for a while, Lady Catherine was apparently once again vying for him to marry his cousin Miss de Bourgh. Colonel Llewellyn would have to be told something too, for he would need to find a new governess for his children. So really our engagement was not a secret. Not like Eleanor and Andrew Bagot’s, it was more of a private one.

We walked back to the house together. Finding the others at breakfast; we joined them, ignoring the inquiring looks we were receiving from the all. Only occasionally I would see Kitty looking at me with a very self-satisfied expression and then it was very hard to not allow a similar look to cross my own features too. I was radiant, who would not be?

He requested an audience with Uncle Gardiner straight after breakfast to tell him of our plans. I did not really need his permission, but we wanted his support nonetheless. He was of course willing to give his consent; he was very fond of Darcy. Though he expressed some qualms over our strange plan, saying people would find out about it no matter how we tried to conceal it, that it would make the circumstances look very suspicious. But like us, he could really see no better way of going about the plan we had so carefully concocted.

My sisters on the other hand when I told them the news that they already knew were ecstatic and only disappointed that we planned to wait so long until we married. Kitty and Jonathan had waited for only the six months of deep mourning to pass before they had married. They did not quite see things the way that we did. Even Georgiana thought that we were waiting an irrationally long length of time, and she was forever worrying about what people would think of actions.

Still neither their opinions nor my Uncles swayed us. We held firm, it would be best if our engagement was kept private and we were not married until the summer. It would curtail the gossip, which was sure to spread anyway.

It was my last full day in Staffordshire, and my journey to Cresocartref House would have to be made in very good time indeed. But hopefully the weather would hold up and the journey to Anglesey would be an easy one to make. I did not really want to leave and I found that on my last day at Ashton I was left unsatisfied. I wanted to spend time with my sisters who I would not be seeing for several months but I wanted to spend time with Darcy too, time alone. It was impossible to have both. Still I just about managed to divide my time up evenly, Jane, Kitty, Aunt Gardiner and Georgiana spent the day helping me to pack my belongings back into my trunk, they laughed when Georgiana and I told them of how Lady Catherine instructed her acquaintance very carefully on the proper way of placing gowns in a trunk. It was the first time in ages that I had seen the real humour in it.

That evening after dinner we separated into smaller groups. Darcy and I were thoughtfully left to one another in a corner, Georgiana was playing the pianoforte, and the married couples were in a larger group together. My spirits having risen to playfulness again, wished for Darcy to account for his having ever fallen in love with me. “How could you begin? I can comprehend your going on charmingly, when you had once made a beginning; but what could set you off in the first place?”

“I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.”

“Yes it was a very long time ago now, but still you must make some attempt at explaining. My beauty you had early withstood, and as for my manners—my behaviour to you was at least always bordering on the uncivil, and I never spoke to you without rather wishing to give you pain than not. Now be sincere; did you admire me for my impertinence?”

“For the liveliness of your mind, I did.”

“You may as well call it impertinence at once. It was very little less. The fact is, that you were sick of civility, of deference, of officious attention. You were disgusted with the women who were always speaking, and looking, and thinking for your approbation alone. I roused, and interested you, because I was so unlike them. Had you not been really amiable, you would have hated me for it; but in spite of the pains you took to disguise yourself, your feelings were always noble and just; and in your heart, you thoroughly despised the persons who so assiduously courted you. There—I have saved you the trouble of accounting for it; and really, all things considered, I begin to think it perfectly reasonable. To be sure, you knew no actual good of me—but nobody thinks of that when they fall in love.”

“Was there no good in your affectionate behaviour to Jane while she was ill at Netherfield or to Arabella and Sally when they were ill?”

“Dearest Jane! Who could have done less for her? But make a virtue of it by all means. My good qualities are under your protection, and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible; and, in return, it belongs to me to find occasions for teasing and quarrelling with you as often as may be.”

“I am sure you shall. But you must account for Arabella and Sally.”

“Well you asked me to take care of Lady Arabella, so I did as you asked.”

“A likely explanation Elizabeth, as if you have ever done anything I suggested without trying to challenge it?”

“Well that seemed important.” I said by way of an explanation, “She was sick, very sick. It really did not seem like an occasion for me to be difficult with you. Besides which in this past year I have been working for you, if I had done anything to disobey you then I would have lost my job.”

“Very well then, I believe you. I suppose the circumstances were somewhat serious but you know I would probably have never have dismissed you for disobedience, you and I both know that I am far too selfish a creature to do that.”

“You tried to marry me to Lord Tyndale.”

“Because by that point I had recognised what was best for you. It was hopeless, you staying with us, or so it seemed to me, the situation was only going to become more and more difficult if we had continued as we were. You are well aware that we had seriously overstepped the boundaries of what would have been considered as an acceptable relationship. And you were even more aware than I that people were beginning to talk of it.

“No matter what I tried to convince myself of at the time, from the very moment I saw you in the sitting room platting Roberta’s hair, my self control was never going to be strong enough. There would have come a point when I would have ruined you.” He stopped thoughtfully, looking at my widened eyes, he glanced over at the others to check that they were not paying any attention before discretely taking my hand in his, “I tried to tell myself that you were safe from me. But by that day in the schoolroom I could hardly try to deny it any longer. I had to face facts, through my own foolishness and arrogance you would never be mine. Tyndale was quite ready to marry you, he clearly admired you very much and probably would have loved you very well, I think you would have been happy with him. One of us should have been happy at least.”

“I could never have been happy with him! Not when I knew that I was in love with you. But you are right and so were Georgiana and Henriette and Kitty I would have done very well accepting him. But you know I could not see that at the time.”

“Which is a very good thing because otherwise we would have ended up in a very sorry situation, by now you could even have become Lady Tyndale.” He said suddenly smiling and lightening the mood of the conversation which had suddenly taken such a serious turn again, still there was a lot that had to be discussed and not a great deal of time left to accomplish it.

“You were prepared to give me up though? You would have risked that?”

“Elizabeth, I was risking nothing. It seemed then that I would be married to Arabella for some duration and it was simply too dangerous for you to have carried on living with us. You could not have trusted me and stayed safe, I was content to accept what little attention you paid me, but eventually I would have taken advantage of your friendship, then you would certainly never have been happy. What else was I supposed to do other than be the gentleman and step aside for Tyndale to marry you?”

What could I do other than settle for his explanation? Though I did add, “You know that I thought you did not love me when you told me to accept him.”

“It did not sway your decision though did it?” He said smugly. I told him that his head was going to get too big for his own good if we continued our conversation. So we turned to other matters which needed to be discussed and had done with the previous more melancholy conversation. We were forced to separate for the evening not long after. We said out goodnights at the top of the staircase, carefully observed by my Uncle Gardiner and my two oldest cousins who were leaning over the banisters from the nursery above,

“We shall never have a moment’s peace you know?” I said before turning into my chamber.

I composed a very quick letter to Henriette. No longer angry with her for the meddling she had so cunningly contrived, but glad that she had taken the initiative. Though I told her that I was not pleased with her for setting Darcy and I up like that. I let her know that she was already forgiven for the whole thing had turned out fairly well in the end; even if originally it had seemed like it would end up a disaster. I also promised her a visit though I did not know when I would have the time. I told her of the engagement, and our plans to be married in August So may be she would learn to exercise a little patience before I could make it down to Featherstone House again. But of course she would receive an invite to the wedding.

Long before dawn the following morning I was awakened by a two maids one speaking softly, the other a scullery maid was lighting the fire more noisily. Despite knowing that I needed to make haste it was too cold yet to leave the warmth of the bed, the fire had not even started to warm the room. In the end I had had to hurry out missing the light breakfast that had been prepared due to my laziness. I was thrilled to see Mr Darcy standing in the foyer waiting for me. The servants were bustling about Mrs Cotton giving the instructions of where my trunks ought to be placed. Darcy and I were left to ourselves for a few moments. Both Kitty and Jane had promised that they would come downstairs to see me off, but knowing what Kitty was like in the mornings there was really very little chance of that occurring.

He lead me into a little antechamber off the main hallway, promised me that he would write to me soon, handed me a letter addressed to Colonel Llewellyn and kissed me quickly before hurrying me back out into the foyer where all my family had suddenly assembled, “Never a moment’s peace.” he repeated in a whisper with a squeeze of my hand. The family all descended upon me fussing and talking at the same time. They hope I would have a safe journey, reminded me to ensure I asked for a private parlour at inns, pointed out it was cold, I should keep my coat on and Jane told me to make sure I had a travelling rug with me when I changed to Post.

Giving each of them a warm hug we walked outside towards the carriage in a rabble, each one of the hugged me once more before stepping back. Darcy was the last one standing there, he took my hand removed the glove, kissed my hand, wordlessly helped me up to the carriage, whispered a goodbye and then shut the door himself. I turned round as the carriage pulled away from Ashton Magna and carried on watching long until the house was out of side occasionally catching glimpses of it through the hillsides it was swallowed up by. Tears trickled down my face the whole time; it really was going to be the hardest eight months ever.

Now was that what everybody was waiting for? I'm so sad, this is the penultimate chapter :(