Author: Catsy ()
Content: songfic, angst, spoilers for pretty much the ENTIRE series.
Song: The Spirit Carries On
Artist: Dream Theater

--

Although a year has passed since he felt Chidori grow cold in his arms, he still remembers. The dreams come to him now and again, plucking at the strings of his sanity like the hands of an inadequate harpist trying to compose a song of sorrow. Sometimes, as now, he need only close his eyes for the visions to come unbidden.

Where did we come from
Why are we here
Where do we go when we die?

Yuuhi leans back against the weathered wooden beam, opening his eyes and staring out at the sea from the front porch. In the distance, he can see Aya and her children playing in the grass. A smile touches his face, albeit a bitter one. He still loves Aya; had once thought that they were meant for each other. So blinded that he couldn't see the one who truly loved him...

What lies beyond
And what lay before?
Is anything certain in life?

...until it was too late.

Yuuhi slides down off the porch, and slips his hands into his pockets, strolling down a well-beaten pathway into the brush. The sounds of playing toddlers recede into the distance as his mind drifts again. Guilt. That's what it all boils down to, he decides. Chidori took a bullet in the back, a bullet meant for him. She threw herself in front of him-in front of the person she loved.

They say "life is too short"
"the here and the now"
And "you're only given one shot"

How many clues had he ignored, and how many had he just not seen or understood? How was he to know that in the space of a single evening, he'd lose the one woman in the world who truly loved him... and who, he realizes, he truly loved?

But could there be more,
have I lived before,
or could this be all that we've got?

The narrow path meanders its way through the brambles, and eventually opens up on a grassy hilltop. Yuuhi lets his eyes close again, having taken this walk enough times to do it bereft of sight. Memories wash through him, memories of Chidori laughing, smiling, playing, and talking. His lips move silently, mouthing the only words that can purge the ghosts from his mind, as he mounts the hilltop.

If I die tomorrow
I'll be all right
because I believe
that after we're gone
the spirit carries on

Yuuhi stops a few feet away from a patch of relatively healthy grass, and kneels beside a worked granite headstone. Ornate kanji dance their way down the front, bearing the name of the deceased, bemoaning the brevity of their life, and mourning the emptiness that their passing leaves. And as always, the tears start before his feet stop, spilling down his cheeks to splash on the lonely headstone.

I used to be frightened of dying
I used to think death was the end
but that was before
I'm not scared anymore
I know that my soul will transcend

Leaning against the cold stone, Yuuhi can remember the fear he felt, holding Chidori in his arms and staring down the barrels of Mikage pistols. How much better it might've been if the Aogiri mercenaries hadn't saved him just then. Had the Mikage opened fire, he might be with Chidori now.

I may never find all the answers
I may never understand why
I may never prove
what I know to be true
But I know that I still have to try

Yuuhi reaches up and brushes the tears from his face, banishing the notion. He'd played no small part in saving Aya's life since then. Would Aya even be alive now, if not for him? Would her children? He knows that Chidori's death had a meaning and a purpose, but it would be so much easier to know if she were in a better place now.

If I die tomorrow
I'll be all right
because I believe
that after we're gone
the spirit carries on

As the tears spill over the mound of earth where Chidori sleeps, they sparkle with a new luminance. The light slowly grows into a warmth that surrounds and envelops Yuuhi. As his startled eyes open, a gossamer hand reaches down and caresses his cheek with the feather touch of a light breeze. A familiar voice finds him, not so much heard as felt in his heart.

"Move on, be brave
"don't weep at my grave
"because I am no longer here
"But don't ever let
"your memory of me disappear"

Lifting his chin from the headstone, Yuuhi gazes up at the sky. The sunlight dazzles his tear-streaked eyes momentarily, but before his vision clears, he could swear he sees a familiar outline fading out of sight. For that brief moment, it's as if the sun shines for him and him alone, bearing down on him and filling him with a sense of warmth and comfort that hasn't been his for ages. And during that brief, soulful moment, he knows… and understands.

The tears flow freely now, but no longer are they tears of grief. It's as if a floodgate has been opened, letting the self-inflicted pain and guilt drain away, leaving behind what once was. "Chidori... you never knew... I always..."

Safe in the light that surrounds me
free of the fear and the pain
my questioning mind
has helped me to find
the meaning in my life again

And as Yuuhi stands up, a cloud passing over the sun for a few heartbeats and breaking the spell, the voice filters through to him again, leaving no doubt in his mind this time.

"No, I knew... I always knew."

"And now I must rest."

Chidori is real
I finally feel
at peace with the girl in my dreams

The tears are gone now... perhaps not forever, but the sun has dried up what Yuuhi's realization hasn't. Coming to his feet, he shields his eyes and looks out across the vast expanse of the ocean, panning his view around to the grassy knoll he stands on.

And now that I'm here
It's perfectly clear
I found out what all of this means

The ghosts may come again, but the memories lack their malevolence now. Chidori's death may have taken a wonderful young girl away from the world, but her sacrifice, he realizes, gave him the gift of his own life. And his life, in turn, gave Aya and her children hers.

If I die tomorrow
I'll be all right
because I believe
that after we're gone
the spirit carries on

And one day--sooner or later--he'll see her again. Of this he has no doubt. Turning away from the now-silent grave and basking in the newfound sunlight, Yuuhi heads back in the direction of the house. Chidori will always live on in his heart... but the living need him now.

And someday, he's certain, they'll be together again.

----

Notes:
The line in the original song was "Victoria's real". However, because the meter and sound fit so perfectly, I changed it to "Chidori is real" in the fic.