|Valon, Come Home
Author: Shrilanka-San PM
A touching holiday tale of love, friendship, and a redhaired, feminine looking man going off the wall nuts. COWRITTEN BY BUTTSY BOY!Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor - Words: 3,815 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 3 - Published: 12-23-05 - Status: Complete - id: 2716701
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Shri: This is to everyone who was on the naughty list this year…
Buttsy: I'M WRITING A FANFICTION OF MY OWN!
Shri: Good God, we're doomed. But I always say that.
Buttsy: HERE'S WHAT I THINK OF YOUR INTELLIGENCE! (shakes butt in her face, then farts)
Shri: You are so not getting any presents from me this year.
Shri: As a holiday tribute, Buttsy and I have decided to write a touching holiday story of the day that Valon decides to leave the house, after Alister finally gets sick of him and throws him out.
Buttsy: And as our special guests…PROFFESOR BANNER AND PHARAOH THE CAT!
Buttsy: So how long have you had Pharoah?
Banner: He's a hundred and ninety six, so for quite a while now.
Pharaoh: Meow (translation: FOOLS! ONE DAY I SHALL RULE ALL OF YOU PATHETIC LIVES!)
Shri: Let's just start the fic…
VALON, COME HOME
"Do you have girly red hair?" asked Valon happily, sitting across from Alister, both of them playing a riveting game of 'Guess Who', only it was modified that they actually replaced the characters with their own pictures.
"NO," said Alister dangerously, who's picture was his own.
"Goodbye Alice," said Valon, flipping down Alister's picture, while Alister silently fumed.
"Is your character stupid?" asked Alister.
"HUH?" yelled Valon.
"Yep," said Alister, flipping a few down.
"WAIT! I KNOW!" said Valon. "YOU'RE RAFFY!"
"No," said Alister.
"Sweet, beautiful Mai…" said Valon.
"NO!" said Alister.
"Dartz?" asked Valon.
"I'M ALISTER YOU IDIOT!" yelled Alister.
"So you're Tea?" asked Valon.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" screamed Alister, walking out of the room.
For some reason unknown to man, as the holidays drew nearer at the Evil Lair (a subsidiary of Mad Loonies Inc), Valon seemed to be getting increasingly stupider. It seemed like everywhere Alister turned, he faced a new idiotic act. For instance, just yesterday, Valon flushed his experimentally hologram of Mikey, and all of his plans to kill Kaiba down the toilet, he nailed Alister's trench coats to the ceiling, he made him a member of www dot ponyluverclub dot com, and most recently, he started a nasty rumor that he had the hots for a guy named Jim on fan fiction dot net.
After putting away 'Guess Who', as well as pulling his trench coats down from the ceiling, he sat depressed down on his bed, knowing that he would be swamped trying to re-create that hologram and those plans. However, as he flopped down on his bed upstairs, his hands touched a wet mass of paper. He looked around, and it turned out to be today's newspaper, with a note attached to it in scrawled, childlike handwriting.
Dear Girly Man,
Here is your Sunday paper. Sorry I went to the bathroom on it! Please ignore the yellow and brown stains, as well as the odd smell.
"THAT IDIOT!" yelled Alister at the top of his lungs.
"Yes?" Valon said, poking his head through the doorway.
"THAT'S IT!" said Alister. "I CAN'T BEEPIN' TAKE IT ANYMORE! YOU GROW INCREASLINGLY STUPID EVERY DAY, AND EVERYWHERE I TURN, YOU SOMEHOW MANAGE TO BLOOM MORE AND MORE INTO A BRAINLESS VEGETABLE!"
"Pie?" asked Valon, holding out a warm pie.
"What kind of pie?" Alister asked in an angry, dark voice.
"What kind of pie what?" asked Valon, stuffing it all into his mouth at once.
Alister's eye was twitching uncontrollably.
"Toilet paper?" asked Valon, offering him a role.
"OUT! THAT'S IT! GET OUT! PACK YOUR FILTHY RAGS AND GET OUT OF THIS EVIL LAIR FOREVER AND EVER!" yelled Alister.
"But-" said Valon.
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Alister.
"Go where?" asked Valon.
"GO BACK TO AUSTRALIA WHERE YOU BELONG!" yelled Alister.
"But Girly Man, it's almost Christmas, the time where you give me lots of presents, and all I give you in return is a bottle of pickle juice…" said Valon, with huge, sad eyes.
"Bye," said Alister, slamming the door in his face.
"Can't I just-" Valon asked.
"NO!" said Alister.
"I just want to-"
"GO AWAY ALREADY!" screamed Alister.
Valon had huge tears well up in his eyes, and with that, he ran away, sobbing at the top of his lungs, down the stairs, past Mai, past Raffy in his Mall Santa costume, past Dartz walking around in a frilly pink dress, and out the door, into the freezing cold ocean.
"Finally," said Alister, kicking back on his bed. "Now I can finally get some peace and quiet around here!"
TWO DAYS LATER
"AAAAAAAAAALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!" yelled Dartz.
"WHAT?" called Alister angrily, who was enjoying drawing pictures of the rabid monkey people.
"DO YOUR CHORES!" said Dartz. "I WANT THIS PAGAN TEMPLE TO BE SPARKLING BY CHRISTMAS!"
"MAKE VA-oh right, he's gone to Australia," said Alister. "MAKE MAI DO IT!"
"I can't, I'm too busy baking cookies!" yelled Mai upstairs.
"MAKE RAFFY DO IT!" said Alister.
"I can't!" called Raffy upstairs. "I'm solving world hunger!"
"YOU DO IT!" yelled Alister.
"I can't!" said Dartz, sitting on a futon sofa, having his nails done, his hair washed, and his feet massaged by a bunch of spa employees. "I'm…uh…TRIMING THE TREE!"
"Whatever," said Alister, walking down the stairs. "Okay, first, make a salad…"
Alister got all the ingredients for salad together, and after cutting the tomato, putting in all the lettuce, and cutting the cheese, he made it onto the most disgusting part.
"Chop up the ugly random vegetable," said Alister, picking up what looked a cross between a pepper, an onion, an asparagus, and an artichoke. "Yech, I hate the ugly, random vegetable."
Suddenly, as he looked at the vegetable, he realized it looked like Valon with his mouth open and his tongue sticking out.
"EW!" he screamed, grabbing a huge knife, and chopping it to little, bite sized bits.
"Alice, stop mutilating the food!" said Dartz.
"Yeah…alright…" said Alister, confident that the ugly Valon-vegetable was hacked into a pulp.
Next it was time to wipe down the table, and his least favorite part of it, scraping the chewed gum out from under it. Alister grumbled to himself as he managed to chip of the ancient gum piece by piece. However, after he removed a particularly large piece of gum, he noticed that carved under the table was a very crude stick figure picture of one stick figure wearing a dress and a midriff, and one who was labeled 'Jim', and it said 'Alice and Jim, together 4ever'.
"I AM NOT!" screamed Alister, pulling out a jackhammer and destroying the table from the underside.
"ALICE, THAT TABLE COST A MILLION DOLLARS!" yelled Dartz.
"DON'T CARE!" said Alister.
However, the Doom Bikers managed to find a new table, and they were all sitting down to eat. Alister ate in silence, enjoying the fact that Valon wasn't trying to stuff the fork up his left nostril, the spoon up his right, and the knife in his mouth and sing the 'Woot, Balloons' song.
"Alice, pass the Valon," said Dartz.
"What?" said Alister, snapping out of his thoughts abruptly.
"Pass the gravy!" Dartz said severely.
"Oh, gravy, yeah," said Alister, picking up the gravy cup and shoving it over to Dartz.
"Has anyone seen Valon lately?" asked Raphael.
"He ran away, who cares?" said Alister.
"But he's so stupid, he could be dead somewhere," said Dartz.
"YAY!" cheered Mai and Alister.
"Besides, aren't you going to miss him?" asked Raphael. "Especially since it's Christmas?"
"NO!" said Alister almost defensively. "I mean, no, I'm not."
"Fine," said Dartz. "Just go burn his Christmas presents, okay?"
"Don't mind if I do!" said Alister, walking over to the huge pile presents under the Christmas tree, ripping out a couple of them, and throwing them into the fireplace.
By the time he managed to clean up all the destruction, considering he forgot that they got Valon dynamite this year, Alister returned to see that not only everyone else was done eating, but all the food on his plate was arranged in the shape of Valon, with a stupid smile on his face.
"Not hungry," said Alister darkly, shoving the remains of the plate into the garbage can.
Alister was reading the book 'Pride and Prejudice' while listening to his Cars CD, which was a very odd combination now that you thought about it, as Christmas Eve drew nearer, as more and more people began to demand money for charity, and as holiday specials on television grew increasingly stupider.
"Dance all night, get real loose, you don't need no bad excuse, dance all night, be real dumb, you're an Auzie, and it's real fun…"
"WHAT?" said Alister, calmly listening to the chorus, almost in panic, to realize it was normal…so he relaxed, and listened to it again.
"Dance all night…OOH OOH OOH! You're so dumb, OOH OOH OOH! Auzies rock! OOH OOH AAH! VALON SAYS, GO SHAKE YER BUTT!"
Suddenly, the door burst open, and a bunch of Valons of all different shapes and sizes burst in, one beltin' it out into a microphone.
"Fart all night, its real cool! This is what happens when you drop out of school!" sung the Auzie. "You've all got, a tiny brain! DON'T YOU THINK, IT'LL JUST CAUSE YOU PAIN!"
"SHAKE YOUR BUTT!" screamed the Valon chorus, shaking their butts. "Ooh Ooooh! SHAKE YOUR BUTT! NER NER NER NER NER! SHAKE YOUR BUTT!"
"GO AWAY YOU FREAKS!" screamed Alister, pulling out a plasma cannon that he was about to use to incinerate them, when suddenly-
"AAAAACH!" screamed Alister, who woke up with a start, who had dozed off while listening to the walkman. He sighed in relief, it was only a dream.
"ALISTER! TURN THE VALON OFF!" said Dartz.
"What?" said Alister in shock.
"I SAID TURN THE COMPUTER OFF!" said Dartz. "Jeez!"
Alister quickly rushed downstairs to do that. This whole Valon being gone thing was getting out of control. As he turned off the computer, he realized…maybe I just need some TV to take my mind off things. Yeah, that's it…lovely, mind numbing TV.
Alister plopped on the couch, picked up the clicker, and flicked on the TV.
"-and so," said a very calm sound narrator, "Australia is a desolate place, filled with nothing but wide, open, red sand that was once thought to be inhabitable by any creature. However, in these vast plains, stupid Australians can finally run free…"
In a great cloud of dust in the distance, as dramatic music played in the background, a whole stamped of Valons ran across the screen, doing such stupid things like picking their noses and scratching their butts, laughing like absolute idiots.
Alister quickly changed the channel.
"Okay Mrs. Doublecheeks!" said a gameshowy kind of person to an old lady. "Do you want the money, or what's behind Door Number Six?"
"Ur…can I just have a Valon?" asked the lady.
"OF COURSE!" said the gameshowy person, holding out Valon, who was laughing like a fool.
"AH!" screamed Alister, quickly flicking the channel.
"Hey Valon!" said a puppet Valon to another Valon.
"Hello Valon!" said the other puppet Valon.
Alister quickly changed the channel.
"And you too, can have you're very own Valon for only-"
"Hello, and welcome to Bethany's Kitchen! Today, we're going to make Valon a la Valon, with some Valon chips on the side-"
"And now, Word Analyzation," said a man. "Today's word is…"
"Anything but Valon, anything but Valon…" said Alister.
"Valon," said the man flatly.
"And now, a test of our emergency broadcast system," said an announcer. "Keep in mind that this is only a test, and if it were a real emergency, information would be displayed at the bottom of your screen."
"Finally," said Alister. "There's no possible way I can see Valon in this one."
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-" screamed a picture of Valon, who had his mouth open with his tounge sticking out.
"IT'S ON EVERY CHANNEL!" yelled Alister in horror, quickly turning off the TV. He was panting wildly as he left the room to find some way to get his mind off of Valon. However, the TV turned back on all by itself and-
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" yelled Alister, running out the door full speed, diving straight into the freezing cold ocean, and swimming frantically to shore.
"Okay, he may be on TV, in my dreams, and in ugly vegetables, but there is one place where I can never ever, ever find a trace of Valon!" said Alister to himself, his eye twitching wildly as he paddled faster to shore.
Alister found himself inside The Museum of Incredibly Intellectual but Also Quite Boring Artistic Achievements. He quietly wandered through it, observing many of the great artistic works that were in the building, sighing in relief with every passing, finding no trace of Valon anywhere…until he passed the tour.
"And this is the statue of The Thinker," said the tour guide, pointing to an exact replication of the actual piece. "As you can see, he is pondering a question while naked, with a-hey! GET BACK HERE LADIES!"
"Aw…" said the women of the group, slowly trouping back, after going to, uh, take a closer look at the work.
"Anyway," said the guide, and suddenly, in Alister's mind, Valon, with an idiotic grin on his face, appeared as the statues head. "You can see this statue is pondering a question, which only he can't understand, proving that the subject of this work is clearly, a stupid Auzie."
"WHAT?" screamed Alister.
"I said that this piece is clearly one from the Valon era, though definite traces of Valon can be seen in his Valon, Valon Valon Valon, Valon-"
"Don't you miss me Girly Man?" said the statue.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Alister, with one swing of his arm, karate chopping the statue, breaking it using all the force in his feminine looking body to destroy the replication.
"Security," said the tour guide in a dull voice, as Valon, uh, Alister ripped off his hair in one go. "Oh, and get me some Rogaine…"
Alister sat quietly in a jail cell, twitching all over, trying desperately to remove any memory of Valon from his mind. He was looking so disturbed, that none of the other prisoners in the cell, who were 200 pounds each at minimum, each with solid walls of muscle encasing their body, and they weren't even going to take a chance to mess with him.
"One phone call, stupid," said the cop, holding out a cell phone to Alister.
"Don't…say…stupid…" said Alister, picking up the phone, and dialing the number to the Evil Lair. "Hey Dartz, it's me Ali-"
"-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-" said the Valon voice.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Alister, hacking the telephone in half.
"That thing wasn't cheep you know," said the policeman darkly.
"Hello? Hello?" said Dartz into the phone. "Jeez, that sounded like Alister…"
Eventually, the Doom Bikers realized that Alister was missing, and after a little while, eventually traced him and bailed him out of jail. However, Alister lay twitching on the floor of his bedroom, all of his thoughts turning into nothing more than the spiraling disorder of a psychopath. All of the normal things that he once were in control of in his life were now gone, replaced by the suffocating mental image of Valon.
"Must…try…to…gain…normal…obsessions…" said Alister, trying to creep over to his bedside table, pulling open the drawer, and with a violently shaking hand, pulled out a picture of his little brother, Mikey. "That's right…I'll just talk to this picture of Mikey again…everything is going to be okay…"
"-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-" screamed the picture of Mikey, who now had Valon's head.
"NO!" screamed Alister. "THAT'S IT! THE ONLY WAY TO CLEANSE THE WORLD OF ALL PUTRID TRACES OF VALON IS TO DESTROY EVERYTHING THAT REMINDS ME OF HIM! EVERY SINGLE THING! KEEEEL! KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!"
Alister cackled insanely at the top of his lungs, and eventually, Raffy slammed open the door, causing it to have a massive indent in the wall behind it.
"Alister! Quiet!" said Raffy. "Guardian Neatos is trying to sleep!"
"You…" said Alister, darkly, in his minds eye, Raffy turned into Valon. "You're one of his dread minions coming to haunt me, are you not?"
"What?" said Raffy.
"De-yon't play dumb with me you filthy Valon!" said Alister. "You've haunted my mind, and my dreams for one day to long! NOW IT'S TIME FOR YEW TO DIE!"
"Alister, stop being stupid!" said Raffy. "It's me, Raphael."
That's when Alister whipped out a huge katana and slashed at Raffy, his pants falling down and exposing his bunny underwear with frilly pink lace.
"Now that's just cold," said Raffy.
Slash! WHIP! BANGABANGA SMAK! Whir SHING!
Alister chased Raffy all over the house, swinging his katana like mad, destroying everything in his path, like the potted plants, the photos hanging on the wall, and of course, Dartz's personal collection of things that will explode if they are cut in half.
"AAAAAAAALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!" yelled Dartz angrily, his hair in curlers. "What the BOOOP are you destroying now?"
"YOU'RE NEXT VA-LON!" yelled Alister, swing his katana around, pointing it right at Dartz's throat.
"Alister, as your employer and caretaker, I command you to cease your mad killing spree and clean up this mess!" said Dartz.
Dartz's skirt-and-pants set fell down now, exposing Barney boxer shorts.
"Well, looks like Santa's not getting you any presents this year!" said Dartz.
Dartz's shirt fell down, revealing a midriff just like Alister's.
"Okay, now I'm going to run screaming like a little girl," said Dartz. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"
"NEITHER OF YOU CAN RUN AWAY!" yelled Alister, slashing at everything in sight, including inanimate objects, destroying everything within a yard radius of him as he careened down the hallway, stabbing and slashing at all around him.
"What are we gong to do?" asked Raffy, as both he and Dartz cowered under a bed in Raffy's bedroom.
"We have to find Valon and bring him home before Alister kills so much stuff, noting will be alive anymore!" said Dartz.
"But Valon could be anywhere!" said Raffy.
"Then if worse comes to worse, we'll just have to get a fake Valon to satisfy Alister's psychotic whimsies!" said Dartz. "Now where could we find a real Valon and/or a fake one?"
AT FAKE PEOPLE R' US
"Welcome to Fake People R' Us, how may I help you?" muttered a dull teen worker in a dead, flat kind of voice.
"We would like a fake person please!" said Dartz.
"Well duh, what else would you want to order here?" said the teen.
"Don't give me lip, give me results!" said Dartz. "I want this one to be short, fat, brown hair, blue eyes, and excessively stupid!"
"What is his dress size?" said the teen worker.
"I DON'T CARE WHAT HIS DRESS SIZE IS!" said Dartz. "WE NEED A FAKE VALON NOW!"
"Okay, brown hair, blue eyes, stupid, short, fat, got it," muttered the teen worker, punching everything into the computer. "Your order will take aproximatly three point seven seconds…"
Three point eight seconds later
"Here is your fake person," said the dull teen worker. He pressed a button, and a tall, blonde-haired runway model kind of girl walked out, wearing a bikini.
"WHAT?" yelled Dartz. "This doesn't look like our description at all! She's not even the same gender we wanted!"
"Look, it's Christmas, dude, we get a huge call for fake people this time of year," said the teen worker. "That will be seventy-eight ninety five."
"No way!" said Dartz. "When we order a fake person, we want to look like the person we're trying to fake out!"
"THERE YOU ARE!"
Alister sliced through the glass automatic door, leaping over the shards with one bound, landing right on the counter.
"Welcome to Fake People R' Us, how may I-"
His pants fell down.
"This is just getting repetitive," said the teen worker.
"NOW THAT I HAVE ALL OF YOU JUST WHERE I WANTED, IT'S TIME FOR YOU ALL TO DIE!" said Alister.
"Oi did it!" said Valon happily, walking into the store. "Oi made it to Australia!"
"V…Valon…" said Alister softly, throwing his katana aside, stabbing the teen worker in the shoulder.
"Ow…" he said dully.
"But…how…why?" said Alister.
"Don't worry, I can explain everything," sad Buttsy-Boy and Shrilanka-San, walking into the scene of the carnage.
"Uh, we," said Shri.
"Pfft, whatever," sad Buttsy. "You see, Valon is smart enough to find his way to Australia, but then he read the map upside down, and thinking it was the land of lost pixies, he turned around and came home."
"Was that worth us busting in?" asked Shri.
"NOPE!" said Buttsy. "I'M A MONKEY!"
"Uh, sorry about that," said Shri, dragging him out of the scene. "Carry on!"
"NO REALLY, I'M A MONKEY!" said Buttsy.
"Happy Holidays!" said Shri.
The whole room was quiet.
"Uh…" said Dartz.
"Valon…I…missed you…" said Alister angrily. "So either come back home, or I kill everyone in this store."
"I MISSED YOU TOO GIRLY MAN!" said Valon, giving him a bone crushing hug.
"Aaaaaaaaw," said Dartz and Raffy.
"Ow…" said the teen, still with his hideous stab wound.
"Owowowowow," said Alister, as he felt his spinal chord breaking.
"LET'S GO HOME AND HAVE PIE!" yelled Valon, dragging everyone home with him.
"Thank you for shopping, please come again…" said the teen, now getting the first aide kit.
"Well, I'm glad everything's back to abnormal," said Mai, accepting a piece of pie from the bikini chick. "Thanks Julie."
"Don't mention it," Julie in a gruff, masculine voice.
"Hey Girly man! Wanna play 'Guess Who'?" asked Valon.
"Hang on, let me see what the weather's like tom-" said Alister, flicking on the TV to the Weather Channel.
Alister fainted dead away.
"Oh come on, it's just light snow showers," said Mai, watching the weatherman point out various things on the weather map.
HAPPY (INSERT WINTER HOLIDAY HERE) FROM SHRILANKA-SAN AND BUTTSY-BOY!