Title- Harry and the Life Eaters
Author- Paige and Erin
Rating- pg-13 (violence, death and potty languege)
Summary- Post HBP. Harry tries to start his last year ofschool by dropping out. The death eaters have decieded that eating life would be much more intimidating, zombies are roamingHogwart's hall, a slightlygreener than normal Dumbledore announces the first annual interhouse exchange program and just how many times can Harry die? A 7th year HP parody of slightly less than epic proportions.
Ships- Erin ships H/R. Paige despises nearly all HP ships so by default, she either ignores them all, stays cannon, or tries to include them all.
Disclaimer- Neither of us are JKR.
A message from Insane Troll Logic- Hey folks. I'm here right now to warn you. This story is not to be taken seriously. It is actually best to be taken with healthy amounts of pure undiluted sugar while wearing those drunk goggles your driver's ed teacher makes you wear. In these pages, you will find, zombies, horcruxes, death eaters, life eaters, the first annual interhouse exchange program, and of course, Harry Potter: High School Dropout.

I'm writing this tag-team with a friend who does not have her own account on but sometimes mooches off mine. Her name is Erin, but we will call her Pyrowizzard because it sounds funnier (twenty points and a cookie to anyone who can explain the last part of her name). We spent exactly one day plotting This so the author's notes will be spaces where we bitch at each other about plotlines that grow and die between every chapter. Any characterization or plot errors are all her fault (sorry, pyro, but that's how it goes when I'm the one who wrote the first chapter P)

The day Harry Potter turned seventeen was the day he officially became a high school dropout. He'd gotten the usual school letter with the usual plain brown owl and he sent it back with a short note:

Busy destroying Voldemort
Can't make class.
Sorry,
Harry Potter

On September first, the train for Hogwarts left without him.

And exactly three hours, forty two minutes and seventeen seconds later, the truant officer tracked him down.

One hour, twenty-seven minutes and twenty-two seconds after that, he was sulking at the Gryffindor house table as Herbert Zorgith was sorted into Hufflepuff.

"It was a good try, Harry," Hermione said, patting him on the arm in a spectacular display of subtext, "but maybe its best that we finish school. You know, dropouts are far more likely to get addicted to crack and become pregnant by the time they're twenty."

"Besides," Ron added, "my folks went mad when I said I would rather save the world than finish school. And then Ginny said she wanted to go with me and mom almost…" Ron laughed nervously, "Let's just say you're not mum's favorite person right now."

"That's unfortunate," Harry said sincerely and then spontaneously decided that he had been lacking in teenage angst and he moaned, "but it's for the best. Everyone I see as a parent dies horribly and painfully."

"If you see my mum as a parent," Ron said slowly, "Then why are you dating my sister?"

"We broke up!" Harry protested even as his heart swelled with desire for his beautiful, sisterly love.

"It's still incestuous," asserted Hermione, "I mean if you're taking it literally at least."

Their discussion was cut short by someone clearing their throat at the head table.

"Wonder who the new headmaster'll be," Seamus speculated from Ron's left as he looked curiously into the shadows of the high table.

The new headmaster who had previously been sitting in a particularly dark spot of a shroud of shadows stood up.

Several students gasped.

"That's just sick," said Ron, mouth agape.

"He looks just like Dumbledore," one of the third years said in wonder.

In fact, he looked very much like Dumbledore when you got past the fact that he seemed quite a bit greener. His normally immaculate white beards was faintly brown and caked with dirt. When he opened his mouth to speak, Harry could see a bit of skin flapping on his cheek.

"He's dead," said Harry melodramatically, "Snape killed him."

"Obviously not," Hermione sniffed, "as he's standing right there."

"Then he's a zombie," Harry asserted.

"Inferi," Hermione corrected absently.

"No, a zombie," Harry clenched his fists. How dare someone resurrect his mentor! Dead is dead! And they had left his shiny white beard in such disarray! It was evil! Criminal! Voldemort had crossed a lin… a flash of red hair caught his eye and as he caught sight of Ginny, all coherent thought left his brain… pretty Ginny…

"Welcome to Hogwarts!" possiblezombie!Dumbledore said haltingly, "I am your headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. Before our welcome feast, I would like to make a few announcements."

Ron leaned forward excitedly. "He doesn't talk like a zombie!"

"I am pleased to announce," droned possiblezombie!Dumbledore, "our first annual interhouse exchange program wherein our students will have a chance to learn about the unique culture of another house…"

"Ron," Harry hissed, "look at him. He's green."

"He doesn't look that much worse than last year," Ron protested, "his shriveled hand is still pretty sick, but…"

"As always, the Forbidden Forest is off limits to all students," possiblezombie!Dumbledore's left ear fell off.

"Alright," Ron paled. "You've might have a point."

"And finally," zombie!Dumbledore continued as if he still had all of his body parts, " I would like to announce that Professor Sirius Black is joining our staff for the year as the defense against the dark arts teacher."

Harry's head snapped up as a murmur began to sweep through the hall.

"Professor Black," zombie!Dumbledore continued in a monotone, "is recovering from his fifteen month brush with death."

"Fifteen months," Hermione repeated incredulously, "that's no brush."

Sirius stood up to wave at the assembled group, but his motions were slow and halting. He tried to smile, but it turned out as a grimace against green tinged skin.

Ron blanched, as a realization hit him. "Harry," he stammered, "you don't think that Sirius is a…"

"No," Harry cut in sharply.

"But he looks just like…"

"I don't care."

"But he's a…!"

"Shut up Ron," Harry said tersely, placing himself quite comfortably in that happy, happy state of denial. When Ron looked crestfallen, Harry tried to cheer him up. "Look at the bright side. It looks like you were right about Dumbledore."

"Yeah," said Ron slowly, "I was wasn't I?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Your ego needs an appalling amount of stroking."

Ron raised a suggestive eyebrow at Hermione. "Want to help me stroke?"

Harry turned away as his friends attempted to suck each other's tongues out . It was really a shame that he had broken up with Ginny, even though it was awfully noble of him…

Zombie!Dumbledore cleared his throat as the hubbub bubbled down. "I also regret to inform you that professor Slughorn has fled the country after an unfortunate incident involving a cricket, scrambled eggs and a kazoo. Professor Snape will be returning to his post as potions master."

An odd sort of silence swept over the great hall. Someone laughed, but was elbowed quickly in the side.

Some fourth year Hufflepuff asked, "Is he kidding?"

He wasn't.

Dumbledore had always been one of those odd folks who while he enjoyed a good joke, didn't tell them themselves. Zombie!Dumbledore was the same way, just a little slower.

The headmaster had a hand to his face, trying to keep a large chuck of his nose from falling off (this probably had something to do with the lie he was about to tell, but that could not be proven). "Professor Snape suffered a grave trauma last year," zombie!Dumbledore lied as a chuck of his nose fell to the table, "he was body jacked by Voldemort and forced to do works of unspeakable evil. Including Muggleacide, petty thievery, and Dumbledoreacide. The latter of which he did not succeed in." He smiled a grotesque smile. "Still he has returned to the position of potions master rather than defense teacher as a punishment for his attempted murder…" he paused, "and with that said, I encourage you to sit back and enjoy our welcome feast. Trof! Blibbit! Snork!"

Harry blinked. "Snape's evil," he said aloud, "he has to be."

Hermione casually grabbed a roll from the abundant feast that had been created through hours of unpaid house elf labor. Free the house elves! SPEW! S.P.E.W!

"Harry," said Hermione plaintively, "why does Snape have to be evil?"

Harry crossed his arms and sunk back in his seat. "Because I don't like him."

Ron grinned, mouthful of food. "Good reason."

Harry on the other hand, didn't think it was funny. He glared at his two friends before looking at the teacher's table.

Snape was glaring at him. That evil death glare that was reserved for Harry and Harry alone. Somehow, the amount of loathing in that death glare had increased and therefore the death glare had increase in power.

In fact, it had graduated from a metaphorical death glare to a literal death glare.

And as Snape glared, Harry panicked, clutched his throat, tried to scream and collapsed, dead, into his bowl of soup.

Paige! What's wrong with you? Harry's not supposed to die until… uh I mean oops? But seriously, I know you hate Harry, but this means I have to bring him back from the dead and that's just plain unrealistic. Oh well, I should probably get used to it… This is going to happen a lot isn't it?

Anyway, Pyrowizzard here to say that the next chapter will be up momentarily… as soon as someone types it up… which shouldn't be too long. No more than a month for sure… I hope. Well I hope you all enjoyed that installment! I know I did, so keep reading to find out what happens next, believe me, you will probably enjoy it much more than this chapter because ITL is a stupid head. P. Until next time, don't plagerize and look both ways before you cross the street!