We have written the final chapter together for optimum crazy. And we mean crazy. We first have to warn of several minor spoilers. So if you haven't read the seventh book, what the hell are you doing reading this parody. Finish and then come back. Secondly, as always, we are indebted to JKR for the plot but also to Rambo and Evil Dead for… well you'll see.

-PYRO AND ITL

Chapter the Last

Life eaters and Inferi stormed the smoky hallways of Hogwarts. Green light flashed through the air. Little children were screaming. Older children were telling them to shut the fuck up and hide. Gryffindors raced through the hallway slinging spells in every direction. Ravenclaws raced through the hallways slinging dictionaries and unabridged Charles Dickens novels in every direction. Teachers raced through the hallway, just sort of kicking ass. Hufflepuffs and Slytherins were conspicuously absent.

One of the oncoming legions of doom paused long enough to announce: "Life eaters have come TO KILL YOU ALL!"

"Life eaters?" echoed a second year Ravenclaw. "I guess that makes more sense than death eaters, because logically, eating life would be much more terrifying but come on, a name change? This late in the series? With no PR release? That's just absurd—"

"SILENCE INFIDEL!" boomed Voldemort.

"What the hell are you doing here," asked Ginny. "I thought you never attacked until May! It's the second week of school for Merlin's sake."

"DIE INFIDEL!" bellowed Voldemort and there was a green flash and Ginny was no more.

Yes, that means this shit just got real.

We really did just go there.

Ron burst into the great hall, Kevin Whitby on his tail. "GUYS RUN! VOLDEMORT'S COMING!"

One of the Life Eater, dragging a first year by the legs gave him a scathing look. "No shit, Sherlock." He turned to his companion. "This one's definitely not a Ravenclaw."

They resumed mass murder. Seriously. Bloodbath. We really did just go there.

Kevin Whitby turned to Rita and Harmon his gender changed sidekicks, "we need the Hufflepuffs now! Where are our karate squadrons? We need the nunchucks!"

"Sharpening stakes in the common room!" Ron…we mean Rita shouted back over the noise of the battle.

"To the common room!" Kevin screamed and charged out of the hall.

Right then as it looked like hope was most definitely lost, Hermione Granger came into the hall. "Guys! I brought the grown ups! It's all good! Harry can defeat the evil Dark Lord and then we can all go back to cramming for N.E.W.T.s"

A bloodstained Ravenclaw raced past. "What a nerd!"

Ron approached the frazzled Hermione. "How can you think of studying at a time like this. We've got six months until testing! Don't you think there is a more important use of our time?"

"Not according to Hogwarts a History!" Hermione replied. "Sometimes they give N.E.W.T.s early, just to catch us off our guard. After Harry Kills Voldemort, there's going to be tests. BIG IMPORTANT TESTS that could determine our very future. So-" she looked around. "Where is Harry? He needs to kill Voldemort fast so we can resume studying."

"Oh," Ron said. "about that. Harry's dead. I kind of… uh… might have blown him up."

"And he didn't come back? That really is unusual!" She paused. "Wait a minute, YOU BLEW UP HARRY POTTER?"

"Maybe. A little."

"How little?"

"Microscopic flecks of blood little?"

"RON YOU IDIOT! MANKIND HOLDS NO HOPE ANYMORE!"

Ron glanced to the raging battle. "Neville looks like he's doing all right. So, where were you last chapter!"

"Oh wait! I forgot to give them the all clear." She turned to look over her shoulder. "Any time you guys want to stem the slaughter of innocents is fine by me."

Lupin, Moody, Fred, George and the rest of the order leapt through the doorway and started KICKING ASS! Fred tripped over a body as a killing curse shot past his head. "Blimey!" said George. "That was close!"

"Come on George," Fred said, dusting himself off. "They can't kill us! We're the Weasley twins."

Right as he said that, Lupin got blasted in the stomach with a killing curse.

Zombie!Sirius looked up from his BRAINS! and screamed. "NOOOOOO!"

As Life Eaters stood gloating over Lupin's body, he suddenly jumped up, slinging curses everywhere. "HA! NOT SILVER YOU BITCHES!"

After he'd dispatched all the looming Life Eaters, his eyes locked with Sirius's across the room. "Sirius!" he cried. "OMG SIRIUS!"

They ran to each other in slow motion, wind whipping through Sirius's pimp daddy coat and Lupin's smarmy facial hair respectively. They met in the middle of the hall and their mouths locked in a completely mind blowing spiny kiss right out of a romance movie. Or possibly Brokeback Mountain.

Zombie!Sirius pulled back and moaned. "BRAINS!"

Lupin slapped him hard across his cheek causing his other eye to fall from its socket. "You WHORE! You come back from the dead AND DON'T EVEN CALL! Did you find a lady Inferi friend? WHAT THE HELL!"

Tonks, staring at two of them muttered. "I was just about to ask the same thing."

Suddenly, Sirius's head fell into Lupin's hands as a screaming Hufflepuff wielding a machete ran past. Lupin fell to his knees and screamed, "NOOOOOOOOO!"

Snape, lurking ominously in the shadows, directing zombie attacks with his wand said, "Oh shit. The Hufflepuff karate squadrons have arrived. I was afraid of this!"

Ron saw Snape across the crowd. "OH MY GOD YOU'RE EVIL! I NEVER SUSPECTED ANYTHING. HOW ARE YOU SO GOOD AT DECIET!"

Snape stared at him. "What? Really? You are the stupid one."

Right as he said that, a piece of wood appeared in the middle of Snape's chest. "LUPIN! I'VE ALWAYS LOVE YOU!"

Zombie!Dumbledore, stared at Snape in shock. "YOU LYING WHORE!"

Snape then let out an unearthly wail and crumbled into dust, revealing Kevin Whitby holding his wand like a stake. "Well," he said. "that was unexpected!"

Around the room, each and every zombie suddenly decomposed into dust and crumpled to the floor. Unfortunately, they were still outnumbered 27 to 1.

"Oh my God! Oh my GAWD!" Hermione gasped, panicked. "You just staked a teacher! You just staked a TEACHER!"

"Seriously!" wailed Her—er, we mean Harmon. "WE'RE GOING TO GET EXPELLED!"

Ron and Rita let out identical whoops of laughter. "That was freaking AWESOME!" And they high fived.

"Wait," Ron said a second later. "Snape's a vampire?"

"Was a vampire," Kevin corrected.

Meanwhile, across the room, Neville, leading a Hufflepuff battalion whirled around to see Bellitrix Lestrange, who as more astute readers may remember is the reason Neville's life sucked. She smirked and held up a toad.

"Trevor!" Neville whispered.

Bellitrix squeezed, slowly crushing the toad to grisly death.

Neville's eyes went cold. "You tortured my parents, made me live with my crazy-ass grandma, threaten my friends and now, YOU KILLED MY TOAD. THAT'S IT BITCH. THIS. MEANS. WAR!"

He tore off his robes to reveal a dirty black wife beater, camo pants, a bandolier of ammo crossing his heavily muscled chest. He slowly reached up and tied a strip of cloth around his forehead.

On of the Hufflepuffs behind him reverently whispered, "Rambo."

Neville "Rambo" Longbottom, threw down his wand in favor of an old fashion M60 E4 machine gun and mowed the bitch down.

Voldemort stood in the middle of the hall, cackling and just generally killing everyone standing near him. Right as he set his sights on Fred Weasley and Remus Lupin, who, rather coincidentally were fighting back to back, Neville mowed him down with a burst of machine gun fire.

Voldemort's bullet-ridden body crumpled, as if in slow motion to the floor and the hall went completely silent.

Neville blew the smoke for his gun. "Take that, motherfucker."

The Life Eaters cowered before him.

"All right," he said, smiling. "This is my boom stick. Who's next?"

Ron Weasley sat next to his wife Hermione Granger (what? She's a modern woman.). They had two little kiddies. One was name Harry Potter Granger-Weasley and the other was named Walking War Memorial Granger-Weasley. Their kids, understandably, were both secretly plotting to become Dark Lords so they could kill their parents for this fact.

In fact, the only kid in worse shape than their kids was Scorpious Malfoy. We mean, WtF Rowling. For the sake of this parody, we will rename him Bob.

"Now," said Ron. "You were named after my best friend who I accidentally blew up."

"Nice one dad." Harry Potter Granger-Weasley spat.

"Seriously," said Walking War Memorial. "You were the stupid one of your group weren't you?"

"Shut up. Anyway as I was saying, you were both named after those who gave their lives to create this glorious free wizarding world in which we live. If not for Harry and Dumbledore and…Snape for some reason, you would be living under Voldemort's evil fascist Government. So, when you go to school make your birthrights proud of you, study hard, eat your vegetables, torture the Slytherins and never pick on the Hufflepuffs. Professor Longbottom, is one of the bravest people I know and the only person to hold the Defense Against the Dark Arts job over a year so don't piss him off either. Just in general be good and always protect your freedom and those you love…or, you know, just want to shag."

"Um, dear" Hermione tapped him on the shoulder. "They've already left."

Ron looked around the empty station as the train let out a bellow of steam and began slowly moving foreword.

"oh."

A burly security guard approached Hermione. "Are you ready to go yet minister?"

"Just one more minute." Hermione and Ron stood silently watching the train pull away. A loud sniff behind them broke the silence.

"They grow up so fast." Harry said solemnly.

"Harry! I thought you were dead!" Ron cried.

"Spfff, it's a kids book Ron, seriously." Harry laughed. "I was just putting my kid on the train. Ginny's in the car sobbing."

"Ginny's dead!"

"No she's not."

"This epilogue sucks."

(The end)

If you have finished. There is something wrong with you. Seriously, you're even worse than us. But thanks all the same. The world needs more crazy people. And to all the shippers out there, WE HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. There was something for EVERYONE. And it cost poor Pyro a piece of her soul.

Love,
Pyro and ITL

PS. This entire thing, (all fifty plus pages) was written so that Neville could kill Voldemort with a machine gun. Yes, we are that strange.