Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, except for the unique order of every single word in this mess.

Summary: Alternate Universe: "You're too important for anyone. You play the role of all you long to be. But I, I know who you really are. You're the one who cries when you're alone." Maybe a facade can eventually turn into a reality, from which is inescapable.

Note: I originally intended for this to be a one-shot, but I'm the juggernaut, bitch! I was unstoppable once I got started. I wrote over twenty thousand words for this, so I split it up into smaller, more readable chapters. Also, Balmung may be a bit out of character compared to his (dot)Hack Twilight version (which is about when this story takes place). But I like the game version of Balmung so much more. ;) Enjoy!

I sat on the park bench in the cold air; my fingers ached, but I didn't mind too much. After awhile, I had gotten used to the seeping chills. Every Saturday, I sat at the park and watched as she babysat the small group of children. They all scattered about on the playground, so she always sat on one of the swings around the outside with the widest view.

Occasionally, one would excitedly run up with a story to tell and she would just smile. Then after their story was over, he or she would run right back to the playground.

And every day, a quarter till three, her mother would drive by on her way to work and give an order. It was always do "this", or do "that", but all Alyssa would say in return was, "Yes, mom." Very rarely have I seen her anything but reserved and content. I've never seen her angry or upset, and, though I had no idea why, I ached to know what both of them were like.

"Awyssa! Awyssa, see?"

"What'cha got there, Isabell?"

The youngest one ran up with one arm raised high. Her little arms couldn't reach as high as Alyssa's waist, but she still held her arm up proudly.

"It's a wock!"

She laughed and leaned forward with her palms on her knees. "Here, come and sit on my lap so I can see."

Instantly, the girl jumped up and grinned. "Isn't it pwetty?"

"Yes, it is! It's my favorite color, too. Where did you find it?"

"Awwll the way over there! It was by the big tree." The little girl pocketed the rock, then ran back to the playground.

After watching Isabell bound away, Alyssa looked around. I was a few yards away on a bench, resting my weight on my elbows. She stopped smiling and raised an eyebrow when she saw me. "Three weeks in a row?" she said, just loud enough for me to hear over the slight winds.

I shrugged. I didn't even know the answer to that. Once I had noticed the pattern, I was there every Saturday at noon and I stayed for a half hour. Not even I knew why. At first, I reasoned it to be boredom, but that fell through when I realized that I had turned down friends in favor of this instead. After that, I decided to just avoid trying to understand why and just wait for it to come to me.

She looked back at the playground for a moment then stood up. Her hands were buried in her pockets as she walked over to the bench I sat on. In front of me, she stood at an angle; her body was half facing me while she turned her neck to watch the kids. Without looking at me, she spoke, "Since you've been stalking me, would you mind at least doing me a favor?"

I stared at a young blonde boy in the sandbox, piling up as much a sand as he could. "What's the favor?"

Alyssa turned to me then and pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her pocket. "You got a lighter?"

My eyes shifted back to the playground. Without looking at her or saying a word, I pulled one out of my jeans and tossed it up to her. She walked off without looking back and leaned behind a tree. After a minute or so, I decided to join her and leaned on a different side. She barely gave me a glance out of the corner of her eye.

Neither of us said anything for a minute, then Alyssa sighed. "What are you doing here, Balmung? What do you want?" Her voice sounded tired, like she had given up or given in. It seemed as if her lips were set in a permanent, discontent frown. The look on her face said nothing other than impatience battling politeness. At eighteen, she probably wanted nothing more than to get out of this town and leave everything behind.

I shrugged at her again. "I don't know."

She let out a sharp laugh and shook her head, but never said anything back. Her face turned away from me and she fixed her eyes on an intersection a few yards away. After taking one last drag, she flicked the butt to the ground and turned to me. "I don't know what you're doing and I don't really care." Her right arm extended towards me, my lighter in the palm of her hand. "But just don't try to fuck with me, okay? 'Cause I've got enough shit to deal with as it is." As bitter as her words were, the tone of her voice was persuasion. She didn't want to argue, she didn't want to stand there and talk - she just wanted peace.

A rock rattled and rolled on the ground, propelled by the tip of her foot. Alyssa began to walk back to her bench, eyes darting back and forth on the playground.

I followed to her left, watching her back as she walked. "I'm not going to try and fuck you over. I-"

"Look, Balmung. For all I know, you're a nice guy. But you're not going to fuck me over because you won't get the chance to. This is my last year in this fucking place and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make it go as smoothly as possible. That means not getting involved you, Stalker-Boy, because as ignorant of me as you've been the past two years, you and your friends have put my sister through fucking hell. You really think I'm going to be your friend after all of that?"

I found that amusing, though I knew I shouldn't have at the time. "She really hates me, huh?"

"What the hell do you think?" She tossed me a look over her shoulder. It held nothing but disbelief and disappointment at once.

I shrugged. I didn't really care if the younger one liked or disliked me. And I didn't care what my friends did or didn't do to piss her off or hurt her feelings.

"You don't even care, do you?"

I looked her in the eye. She regarded me with cold eyes and right then, I knew that just as I didn't care at all about Anissa's feelings, Alyssa couldn't have cared any less about me. If anything, she hated me for what I'd done. I raised my chin a little higher, and said, "No, I don't."

She laughed quietly at my confession and shook her head. It was a long time before either of us spoke again, and, I realized, the longest I'd ever stayed at the park. The kids were starting to slow down and search around for something new to do. Then, finally, "I think you should probably go, now."

I didn't say anything and kept my eyes in front of me. Beside me, I heard the rustling of her clothes and looked over at the sound of her zipper, then at myself. It was barely thirty degrees outside and even I, as much as I loved the cold, had to wear a fairly thick coat. "Aren't you cold?"

She looked down at herself, as if she'd forgotten what she was wearing. "I'm wearing two sweaters underneath this, so I'm fine." Her eyes met mine. "Thanks for asking, though."

My eyes fell back down to the tattered hoodie. Just by looking at it, I could tell it was at least a couple of years old and thin. Her thumbs poked through the sleeves and I could see the bones of her elbow clearly. There was no way she had two sweaters underneath, unless she was incredibly anorexic and looked normal with all the layers. She was a dirty little- "Liar." I didn't look away from analyzing the effectiveness of her hoodie as she turned to peer up at me, confused. Whether or not I wanted to keep my warmth or pass it on her instead bounced through my mind and I couldn't decide. Just as she turned away, giving up on waiting for an explanation, chivalry won over and I pulled off my coat.

When I looked up and held it out to her, she was giving me a funny look I'd never seen before. "What?" I asked.

The look intensified and I laughed. "Are you sure that you should be giving me your jacket? I think you need it more than I do."

I didn't understand. She straightened up at my confused look and nodded at me. The same "you're crazy" look remained on her face. "I think you're getting sick. Put it back on and go home, Balmung."

I kept my arm straight and wiggled my wrist impatiently. "Just fucking take it."

Her eyes narrowed and dropped to the jacket. It was a dark, heavy jacket with three different layers of fabric for extra warmth, but not particularly bulky. "Why are you giving this to me?"

She seemed genuinely perplexed by the offering, now that she had gotten over the initial shock that I was being nice. I honestly didn't see why it was that big of a deal to her. I could see her considering it as she looked over the jacket itself, then what I was wearing. Underneath my jacket, I had worn a long sleeved double-layered thermal underneath a plain t-shirt. Without my jacket, I wouldn't be comfortably warm but I wouldn't feel more than a settled chill.

"You look cold," I told her, and my eyes immediately fell back down to the zipper of her hoodie then back up to her face.

I about gave up trying to give it to her when, reluctantly, her hand rose and she finally took it from me. In seconds, I watched her expression change from stiff-jawed to relaxed as she no longer clenched her jaw to force away shivers. Her shoulders drooped and she leaned back into the bench with her hands buried in the pockets.

I smiled at my small victory. "I told you."

Alyssa's eyes flicked to me and for a moment, I could see the corner of her mouth twitch. "Thank you."

I didn't look away. "You're welcome." Alyssa turned back to the playground and for a long moment, I studied her face. Her eyes were by far the most interesting thing about her face. They were green, but not the color of a forest or the grass. They were very light, as if green and dark grey were mixed together to make her eye color. It had taken me awhile to determine the actual color, the mix too muddled to tell. And her eyelashes were long and dark, like her hair, but thin. The arch of her eyebrows seemed unnaturally smooth but I couldn't imagine her getting them shaped.

"I don't get you."

I blinked. "What?"

She turned to me then, eyes calculating but open. Curious but not distrusting. "Why are you here?"

I held my breath and thought. She stared at me and I couldn't look away. I knew she wouldn't take my timed-appearances as attraction to her and wouldn't flatter herself in such a way. I released my breath and took a dry swallow. "Because," I started, my eyes dropping to the ground, "you don't care, either." She opened her mouth to talk, but I kept going. "No matter what you tell me, I know you don't care either. You don't care what I could say about you cause you know I don't know a fucking thing about you or who you are."

One of her eyebrows raised and she leaned forward to cross her ankles underneath the bench. Amusement filled her eyes and I could see her sudden interest in what I was saying. "Well, you're right about the fact that I don't care, I guess," Alyssa admitted tartly .

An idea sparked in my head. "Twenty questions?"

She glanced at me when I spoke then did a double-take and stared. Her eyebrows furrowed then she quickly focused her attention somewhere else. "Twenty questions? Why?"

I raised a shoulder in her direction. "I ran out of shit to talk about."

Alyssa rolled her eyes. "You wanted to change the subject."

I ignored her. "Do you li-"

Her laughing cut me off and she looked at me as if I were a child bugging my mother. "No, Balmung. I'm going to take the kids home now." Her legs uncurled as she spoke.

I stood up with her and easily kept stride. "Do you like being alone?" I tried again.

She sent me a skeptical glance, one eyebrow raised as she lifted the cup of hot chocolate – which I was sure had to be cold by this time – to her pale lips. Her lips looked the same color as her skin – light but with a somewhat deeper, more pinkish color.

There was a pause as she stared ahead of her silently, her face suddenly tightly closed and guarded. The look in her eyes was heavy and firm as her jaw clenched in impatience. I couldn't tell what her expression - or lack thereof - meant. For all I knew, she could have been mulling over how to politely dismiss my company or she could have been trying to decide if she did or didn't like to be alone.

What unnerved me most about her eyes was that, even as she thought, they remain locked in place. Everyone else I knew shifted their eyes from place to place while in thought, unless they were in another world entirely and their eyes were left behind to stare blankly. But Alyssa's eyes remained in focus, as if she were intently thinking about the very object she was staring at.

She finally answered after her lips pressed together tightly several times and the wind swept over us bitterly. "I'm not sure. I've never really had too much of a choice, most of the time." She looked up at me, no grudge or distaste of me in her eyes. "But I'd have to say I prefer being alone. And never in a crowd."

She was a clever little witch. By all means, she was lucky that I liked her enough - that I was intrigued enough so that I didn't even consider giving her a crass response for batting away every attempt I made at getting to know her better. I wasn't even sure why I was trying to understand her, solve her little broken mystery. It wasn't that I cared about her or wanted to care, because she was too callous and uncaring for me to even give two shits. Before I could even think about liking her as a friend, she would have to learn to share a little bit of kindness to me.

But either way, she wasn't getting away without answering the question.

"Yes or no?"

She lowered her head sharply, as if banging her head on a wall, and a huff of air slipped past of her lips. Her hair shielded her face and I couldn't tell whether she was actually angered that it hadn't worked or amused. Alyssa suddenly laughed – albeit short and almost refined. The kind of laugh that escaped the lips of bitter people, too distrusting and damaged. Accusation and defiance clouded her eyes when she looked at me long and hard, as if debating whether or not she wanted to answer me.

Finally, as her eyes darted away, she answered, her voice dry and empty. "No."

The sound of gravel crunching under her footsteps as she walked towards the playground became amplified in my ears as I mulled over her answer. Now that I had gotten it, I didn't know what to think, let alone a response to give to her. For all of her evasion, I had expected her to say that she liked the solitude, welcomed it even. A girl like her, so closed off and wary, would have to expect it.

And then suddenly, I understood. She hated solitude and all the loneliness that came with it. It haunted her, and created the very bitterness she used as a barrier between her and everyone. And that same bitterness was what had sheltered her, prevented her from becoming hateful and vindictive like her mother. Alyssa hated the solitude because it was the very thing she was forced upon at a young age. The solitude had left her craving for compassion, for companionship. It had created indifference, passiveness, and bitterness, but through it, birthed compassion and sympathy.

The crunching stopped and I looked up to see her looking back at me. My heart twisted heavily, as I remembered her words from only moments before. "Well, you're right about the fact that I don't care, I guess." It wasn't that she deliberately didn't, it was that it was automatic, without thought. She had grown up in a world – a family where it became a second skin, a means to get by. Words were the very thing Alyssa learned to use as a double-sided tool and also let pass through her like nothing.

"Balmung, are you okay?" Her voice broke into my thoughts harshly, though the words were softly spoken, laced with concern.

I was overwhelmed with pity when I saw who she was, in front of me and I didn't know how to answer her question. I wasn't okay, but at the same time, I was perfectly fine. There was nothing more that I wanted than to teach her that trust could be mutual and optional. Anissa's honest and trusting nature had no doubt been the careful sheltering of her sister, undoing each reproachful word sent her way. And then Alyssa wouldn't turn down my sister's blatant and blind trust in her, finding herself with yet another girl to watch over.

In front of me, her eyes glittered dangerously as she seemed to recognize the look on my face. Anger took over in place of concern and I opened my mouth to apologize though I'd done nothing wrong.

"Don't do that," she said firmly, each word spoken with crisp pronunciation. From the look in her eyes, it was as if I had insulted her to the core.

"Don't do what?" I repeated, my voice raising.

"Don't look at me like that," she started, her voice low and demanding. "It's none of your business, so stop thinking about it and stay out of it."

I wanted to slap her for her cold attitude at the same time that I wanted pull her into my arms and make up for all the comfort she had needed, but never received. Frustration started to take over and I side-stepped my jacket when she took it off and tossed it to me gently, rejecting both me and my trust. "Well, I'm just–"

"Don't!" Alyssa shouted, crossing the distance between us in a fractic walk. "I don't want to hear it, Balmung. I don't fucking want it." She stood just in front of me, her chin thrust up defiantly as she waited for me to respond. "Alright?"

All my frustration started to die down and I could see the slight flicker of something in her eyes. She didn't want pity – she feared it, even. Regardless of what it might mean for someone to offer their trust and friendship to her – how it might benefit, she feared the implications of it all. And I could see how she might view the acts of kindness driven by sympathy. To her, it was a charitable offering. Pity and pathetic were synonymous in her mind.

I nodded, swallowing a lump and all the words I wanted to say to her. Without a word, she turned on her heel and finished walking the distance to the playground. The kids all ran up to her as she called their names, one by one, then started off towards the opposite end of the park.

After picking up my jacket, I took my time in catching up with her, allowing her to cool down. I held my jacket in the crook of my arm as I buried my palms inside the pocket of my jeans. For a block and a half, we said nothing and I partially listened to the chatter of kids in front of us. Their tones were absolutely serious, as if discussing how to handle the fate of the world, though it couldn't have been anything more serious than a T.V show or how to work a new toy. All four children seemed to be the same age and looked nothing alike, as each were adopted from a different of the world than the others.

"What do you want from me?"

I jumped at her sudden voice, my head whipping around to look at her. "What do you mean?"

She pinched the bridge of her nose. "Look, Balmung, as nice as it is to have someone to talk to while I'm babysitting the brats, I don't think it should be a regular thing. So what do you want from me? Why have you been showing up here?"

I was about to open my mouth to reply when one of the young boys ran up to her with his gloved palms wide. In his mittens were two little coins, caked with dirt and frost. She knelt to his level, declined the offer and gave him a gentle nudge towards his brother and sisters. But the little boy pocketed the money and crossed his arms, his head turned to the side with a pout. After a moment, she gave him a peck on the cheek and, satisfied, he ran back to his siblings.

Still crouched down with her elbows on her knees, Alyssa peered up at me with a wry expression. "Is that all I have to do for you, too?"

I grinned at her and took the diversion. "Not on the cheek, anyways." The words seemed foreign coming from my lips and directed towards her. I'd heard my friends many times complain about the waste of good body, and how they'd take the chance to "do her some good", but I had never joined in on it except in laughter. And if she took my up on my statement, I wasn't sure whether I'd welcome it or find it incredibly strange.

Alyssa stood up, then, and stood directly in front of me, her chin once again raised defiantly. The look in her eyes was completely different, however, and completely unreadable. They shifted from my eyes and dropped to my lips, as if considering the offer. "I don't believe it."

When her eyes raised again to meet mine, I couldn't help myself and dipped my head down to touch my lips to hers. She didn't move, letting me brush across them softly, before pulling back.

The look in her eyes was distant as she stared at me, her hand resting lightly on my chest as if she were holding us both at bay. I didn't say anything, not sorry for what I'd done but not looking for more. It was pure luck – pure, dumb fucking luck that I'd managed to kiss her, if it could even be considered that. Our lips had barely touched, and it had been all me. Her hand dropped and she started walking at a fast pace, either to get further away from me or to catch up with the kids. Immediately, I took long strides and matched her speed.

"I think you should go, now, Balmung." The lack of emotion in her voice was like a slap in the face, making me feel as if I had crossed a thick line and betrayed her, though all I had done was give her a very light kiss. Her gaze was pointedly everywhere but me and I found myself rolling my eyes. Who the hell did she think she was? She wasn't a prude or stuck up bitch. A little kiss wasn't the furthest she'd ever gone with someone, and at eighteen years old, it certainly wasn't that big of a deal.

When I didn't slow and change course, she turned her head back to me with determination evident in the shine of her eyes. "Balmung, I said I think it's–"

"I heard you," I interruped casually. It was actually slightly amusing, how she was getting so bent out of shape about it. Did she really feel like I'd crossed that big of a line? God, I hope not. "But I don't to."

Annoyance flickered on her face and she rolled her eyes. "Well–" I grabbed her elbow and turned her to face me gently, stopping her in midsentence. "What are you doing?"

I bent over so that I was eyelevel with her, and regarded her with raised eyebrows. "We are going to talk, just so we're on the same page." I shushed her when she gave me a sideways look and opened her mouth to speak. Her face wrinkled in contempt when I silenced her. "I don't know why you're so bent out of shape about me kissing you, but it was just a little kiss, if you can even call it a kiss."

Alyssa's mouth twisted into a wry smile at that and she pulled her arm away from my grip. "You've got balls, I'll give you that much, Balmung."

I shrugged. "What can I say? But what's the problem here?"

"There's no problem, Balmung, other than the fact that we should walk and talk." She jabbed her thumb down the street and I could see the four children halfway down the block. When she started walking, I followed.

"There is a problem, or else you wouldn't have pulled away," he stated, looking down at her.

"Maybe I didn't want to kiss you, Balmung. Ever thought of that possibility?"

No, because if she wished that I hadn't kissed her, she would have been angry and crass. Words would have spilled out of her mouth in stunned frustration and appall. And if she just simply hadn't wanted to, she would have brushed it aside without letting it bothered her. Neither of those were likely. "No," I began, "'cause if that were the case, either you would have been mad or just let it slide."

Amusement came back to her eyes, filling them with light even as she rolled them at my words. My eyes dropped to her mouth, waiting for the corners to just barely tip up in a smile but it never came. "And," I huffed, searching through pockets of my large coat, "that only leaves one other option."

"What's that?" she asked, her eyes falling to the pockets of my jacket as I fumbled with it clumsily. Alyssa watched as I pulled out and lit a cigarette then turned away. We'd walked another block, and I knew that we were one more street away from the house she babysat. I found it odd that she even did it and I wondered if the pay was good. Alyssa already worked at a local restaurant for several hours a week and hundred dollar paychecks, but still, she spent her Saturdays watching the troublesome kids.

I took the cigarette between my thumb and forefinger and offered it to her. After a glance ahead then at my fingers, she took it delicately, as if it were a prize instead of a simple gesture. She took a hit and let the smoke drift out just past her lips, then inhaled, sucking it back into her. When she returned it, the cigarette was cupped in her palm, the smoke rising through her fingers eerily and I almost didn't take it.

"Well, are you going to tell me the option or just leave me hanging?"

"I dunno," I mumbled, raising the cigarette my lips. Out of the corner of my eye, she made a face and I chuckled. "It's only a problem for you, but you wanted me to," I told her, my voice casual, as if we were discussing the weather instead.

I caught a fleeting look of surprise in her eyes before she covered it up with disdain. Her eyes flashed accusingly at me, as if I were trying to cheat at a game. "Excuse me?" she said carefully, her voice polite and unconcerned.

"I said you wanted to."

Her expression didn't flicker except for the subtle tensing of her jaw muscles. "You definitely have some fuckin' balls, Balmung, to be saying something like that to my face." The tone of Alyssa's voice hardened and her shoulders stiffly and slowly rolled back to a more confident posture. "Now, I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but to me, you're nothing but an eighteen year old boy who thinks he's hot shit. But from now on, you–"

Her lips were softer than I remembered when I kissed her again, grabbing her elbow and cutting her off. At the decreasing distance between our lips, she had tried to pull back and avoid the kiss altogether but I twisted with her, followed her.

And when I pulled away, there was an unreadable expression on her face. It was indecision, confusion, and irritation all at once. "You said that you would leave if we kissed."

Her lack of tact annoyed me more than the deliberate attempt to change the subject. "Actually, no, I didn't. I said "not on the cheek", but I didn't say "I'll leave if you kiss me on the lips." There's a big difference, there, Tactless."

She bristled at what I called her, letting out a long, heavy sigh. Her fingers were pink and bony when she pulled them out to put on her hood, and I tried to imagine how cold she must have been. I'd heard time and time again that the heavier you were, the warmer you would be in the winter. Muscles, and fat especially, provided insulation against the cold temperatures. It was no wonder she'd been shivering at the bench. "Balmung, I'm not going to do this with you."

"Do what?"

"This. Whatever you want to happen, it's not going to work out for you. If you want to date me, forget about it now. If you want some fuck buddy, you're looking at the wrong girl. If you want some friendship thing to develop, look somewhere else. I'm not going to be who you want me to be; I'm not even going to be your friend."

I frowned at this as we came to the house. She tossed the house key to one of the boys and they all raced up the front steps to the door. I didn't know what I wanted from her, but I didn't think it was any of those. If there was anything I wanted from her, it was just understanding. I wanted closure on her and all of her problems that bothered me. I wanted her to make me stop showing up on Saturdays and stop sauntering around in my mind. "Why not?" I bit back.

"Because I'm not the right person for any of those. I'm not the right choice for you to make." She began retreating up the concrete steps sideways, still looking at me with torn eyes. I knew that as she walked up the steps, she was giving up. Letting go of what could happen to avoid either of us getting hurt and to avoid things getting complicated. Anissa hated me with a livid passion and it obviously had to play a part in the decision.

"I'm not even allowed a chance?" I asked, one foot on the bottom step. In her eyes, I could see her resistance dissolving. I felt like I owed her something; an apology, an explanation, or a promise, I wasn't sure which. "I promise not to hurt you."

Alyssa's lips cracked into a small smile and her shoulders sagged, one hand on the doorknob. Eyes to the ground, she said, "Thanks, but it's no guarantee."

And she was gone.

I hope this version is much better than the last.

-wrecked.