|Dating for Dummies
Author: O-Renji-Un PM
NEW CHAPPY! NEW PENNAME! NEW CRACK! Kakashi's a bit bored of the no romance between the Rookie Nine...and Konoha for that matter. What to do, what to do? Give dating advice and become matchmaker...? Oh the horror. SasuSaku and more!Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Humor - Sasuke U. & Sakura H. - Chapters: 12 - Words: 32,601 - Reviews: 541 - Favs: 332 - Follows: 255 - Updated: 07-19-07 - Published: 01-01-06 - id: 2730284
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Fan Fiction: "Dating for Dummies"
A/N: Ahem…400 REVIEWSSSS! You people are so lovely and nice. LOVE you all to bits! I've decided to change my name to…O-Renji-Un!! (It means Orange Luck in Korean!) WOOT! AHHHHH! So excited!! Let's reach 500 now!!
Thank You's of DOOM (DOOM I SAY!): Demon95, DysphoricxKun0ichix, lepetitchat, Kruel yet Sweet Kunoichi, uchihagenius4.0, DemonDeReves, La-Garce-Fille, AzNAnGeL07, I-Luv-Kitsunes, -strictly ext only-, MoodyAura, Mayumi Nakashima, Akinata, Hersheys Rocks, Ur2tRoUbLeSoMe90, CeruleanRider, SimpleLing, Moona-Chan, Kickass-Kunoichi, cut.class.not.frogs, Mrs Weasel-Fan, lolsuzie, CyclonePhoenix, Kimi-Hina, Minnane, CASE iN POiNT, Sarah Rebecca, C.A.M.E.O.1 and Only, SakuraUchiha4, Amei-chan, Foxic Cherrii, FuunnyThingJeeaaLoosy, lallyzippo, Mumay, Haine-chan, Sweetnevermore, XxMoonlitxCherryxBlossomxX, Beauty Blade Alchemist, onyx eyed kitten, Hakumei.xo, SaphireShade, XXDragonheart6XX, pinkcrayon, EmiieRoxs, chibiaries…
Dedication: To La-Garce-Fille, because she is a sweetheart and has given me a shout-out on her fic. SQUEE!
Disclaimer: HUM BUG! FIDDLE STICKS!! OTHER NOT-SO-PROFANE WORDS! I don't own Naruto.
Only female on Team Gai (That poor child…), Konoha's very own Weapon's Mistress (PMS chicks with pointy objects…What is the world coming to?), eighteen years old with a tom-boyish attitude (Scary lady…)
"OH MY GOD!! THE H-oh…ohhhh…Hello, Kakashi-san."
Teammates include Neji (Girly-emo-boy) and Lee (Happy-freakish-eyebrow-boy), trains mostly with Hyuga (Emo-ness is contagious…), likes sharp pointy objects (I hope she only uses those on OTHER people…you know…EMO-AGE)
"I'm not suicidal, Kakashi-san. I'm perfectly stable with my life."
Her role model is Tsunade (BOOBIES!!), aspires to be the best kunoichi (MORE BOOBIES!!), hates dresses (Shame really. Dresses are God's gift to women. I mean the emphasize on the legs and maybe some boo-)
"What. Did. You. Just. Say?"
Dot. Dot. Dot.
"Tsk, tsk. I never miss a target…"
Rule number 12 in Kakashi's awesome book of awesome things for the awesome-y challenged:
Jealousy Rant! The good, the bad, and the ugly!
Tenten could sense there was something REALLY wrong with Neji today. Like REALLY, REALLY wrong.
It bubbled and churned in her stomach uncomfortably.
And NO! She's not constipated!
Nor the fact that Neji was seriously mutilating that tree…
Or the other fifty already-mutilated trees surrounding them…
Not a single doubt that Neji was off-his-rocker. If he even owned a rocker…GRANNY NEJI!!
Another tree was reduced to toothpicks. Tenten felt a shiver run down her spine. I mean she saw trees fall down and be ripped from the ground. She did train with Sakura when Neji went on missions. But to see a LARGE, THICK, MASSIVE plant be reduced to itty bitty shreds of paper now that was scary as hell…
Which reminded Tenten of her other slightly insane teammate…
"NOOOOOOOO!! NEJI!!! THINK OF THE YOUTHFUL SQUIRRELS!!!!
If it was possible Tenten's eyeballs popped out of their sockets. WHOA!! Neji spoke.
He hasn't spoken since the whole Kiba-dating conversation. Will wonders ever cease?
"SQUIRREL-SAMA!!!! Bestow your youthful rays to hinder Neji's fiery attack!!!"
Orochi-Squirrel pounded his fist into his hand, "ONWARD MY SQUIRREL SERVANT!!"
Kabu-Squirrel pointed to himself.
Kabuto watched another tree crash onto the ground.
"Sorry, I rather keep the percentage of me being able to reproduce above 50 percent than being six feet underground. Thank you very much."
"So be it…I WILL VENTURE TO THE HYUGA LAIR!"
Neji slammed another palm into the bark.
He wasn't mad.
'Like HELL you aren't!'
'Your words are unheeded…'
'NO DUH!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!'
'Training? TRAINING?! GOING GUN-HO ON A FOREST IS NOT TRAINING!'
'…I'm not "gun-ho"…'
'Let me rephrase…Making Konoha into another Sand Village is NOT training!!'
'It is training."
'Listen I know you're jealous-'
'Like hell you aren't! Are you forgetting I'm you?'
'For the last time, I'm not-"
FLUFFY RUB OF DOOM!!
"FEEL MY FUZZY MAGICAL POWERS OF DOOOOOMM!! My AMAZING tail will calm your raging hormones!!" Orochimaru rubbed his tail in Neji's face.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1…
"AHHHHHH!!! MY TAILLLLL!!"
"What are you babbling about now, dobe?" Sasuke wiped the sweat off his forehead.
"Not a dobe!!!"
Sasuke rolled his eyes and slipped the pink sweatshirt off, "Could have fooled me…"
Dot. Dot. Dot.
"What are you looking at, dobe?"
"…Sasuke...Are those…KITTENS on your shirt?" Naruto pointed at Sasuke's chest.
And indeed there were two little fluffy kittens frolicking and playing in the grass on Sasuke's shirt.
You may now laugh at Sasuke's expense for the next five minutes…
Naruto stopped his insane laughter to take a much needed gulp of air.
"So…Teme likes kitty cats?"
Sasuke glared, "Yeah, I like to eat them."
"KAKASHI-SENSEI!!! SASUKE EATS KITTENS!!! He's a MURDERER!!!!!"
"…Stupid shirt…stupid gag gift from Kakashi…stupid birthday…stupid kittens…stupid Naruto…"
"Who Miss Narrator-Lady-Person?" a random audience member piqued.
Erm…Back to Kakashi!!!
Tsunade quickly pushed seat back to avoid the human bullet that is Anko.
Said purple-haired scary lady- I mean…jounin extraordinaire perched on the desk, "Yes, Tsunade-sama!!"
Everyone turned to see the shattered remains of a perfectly good window. Poor, poor Windom-chan...We hardly knew you.
Anko tapped a finger to her chin, "So it seems…ANYWHO! I find grand entrances to be very entertaining!!"
Kakashi coughed into his hand, "I think everyone, and I mean everyone who has not lost several years off their lives and a pair of very dry clean pants, would appreciate it if you don't."
"…SOOOOOO KA-KA-SHI!!! I hear you need a date, is it true?!"
Kakashi pushed himself into his seat, "Um…well you see…-"
Suddenly an angel burst through the heavens to…Welllll actually…She just walked through the door but if you want to get technical…
OH right, where were we…
Shizune stumbled in, face buried in several scrolls, "Tsunade-sama, I just received a letter from Kazekage-san that he would gladly attend-"
"I'm going with Shizune."
"Eh?!" Shizune blinked at Kakashi.
"Just say yes."
Kakashi clapped his hands, "Perfect!! Sorry, Anko. Why don't you ask Iruka if he has a date?"
Anko placed her chin in her hand in deep thought, "Hmmm…OK!"
Window-kun was smashed to itty bitty pieces…
Tsunade sipped her sake, "I really need to get anti-Anko windows…"
Meanwhile Kakashi was doing his little victory dance.
"Am I a genius or what?"
"You know…You just sentenced Iruka to the terror that is Anko, right?"
"He deserves it for making fun of my ducky socks…"
Tsunade raised an eyebrow, "…You have ducky socks?"
"WHO TOLD YOU?"
Dot. Dot. Dot.
"How was I supposed to know he would go gun-ho-"
"NOT GUN-HO!!" a shout reverberated through the forest.
Dot. Dot. Dot.
Damn Hyuga super senses!
"Maybe we should leave. Who knows when that jealous Hyuga will come back…"
"Not…Jealous…" Neji cracked his knuckles threateningly.
"Quick, Kabuto!! Go to Plan Snake-Ade-Number-2154327891!!!" Orochimaru pushed Kabu-Squirrel towards the Hyuga.
"Sing, goddamnit, SING!!"
Kabuto shook his head, "I can't believe I'm doing this…"
"WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!? Do you not see LONG-HAIRED-GIRLY-BOY-OF-DOOM-AND-PMS approaching?!"
"The things I do for evil…"
Kabuto cleared his throat and closed his eyes. Neji tensed, these two were, after all, S-class criminals. Who knows what horrors they'd unleash…?
"…I feel…pretty…Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and GAYYYYYY-"
What. The. Hell.
Orochimaru whipped out a megaphone, "Use some girl power, SISTAH!"
"That's IT!" Kabuto threw his squirrel to the ground, "I'm sick and tired of this nonsense! I'm LEAVING!"
"NOOOO! KABUTO!!! Who will plot evil diabolical schemes and eat bon-bons and watch sappy teenage dramas with me?! I NEEEEDZ JOO!!"
Kabuto looked to his feet, "I'm sorry, Orochimaru-sama. I…I just can't take this. All this running around…It's like I don't even know you anymore…"
"OH Rick! I swear it wasn't me! He just came out of nowhere! The passion was just too much…"
Cuckoo. Cuckoo. Cuckoo.
Orochimaru flipped through some pages, "We're on page 70, right? It says so right here…'In a random act of passion, Marsha is caught by Rick while Josh is waiting in the foyer.'"
"That's not right. Are you sure you have the right script?"
"…OOPSY-DAISY! Wrong script! Can we do the scene again? Because I got it-"
During this entire travesty, our Hyuga watched in horror. This is even worse than the time Lee and Gai tried to do their versions of a wet-tee-shirt contest. And that my friends, was saying something…
Neji punched a nearby tree (Buh bye, Tree-san…), "NO! We will not re-do the scene. In fact, why am I listening to this crap?!"
The two conversing villains watched Neji, "Dude…Anger management, much?"
It seems that our once stoic member of the Hyuga clan has finally snapped…
Orochimaru hugged Kabuto's tail, "B-but I'm a cute fluffy squirrel!"
"No. You're an old guy lusting over a seventeen year old boy and need to get your brain examined for possible insanity. Actually, screw it! You. Are. Insane."
"WAH! So mean! I'm not insane! I'm just slightly bonkers…"
Neji uncharacteristically snorted, "Hn…Says a guy who wears glittery purple eyeshadow…"
"I'll have you know, glittery purple eyeshadow is very manly."
Neji raised an eyebrow, "Oh…Then why isn't your little minion wearing it?"
Orochimaru opened his mouth then closed it before turning to Kabuto, "Good point. Why aren't you wearing your lovely eyeshadow Ka-bu-to-channn?"
"DOBE! Stop making a scene. You're overreacting…" Sasuke gripped Naruto's collar.
"Me?! I'M making a scene? HELLO! I'm not the one who devours kittens."
"…Wow, big word. Tell me did Hyuga teach you that?"
"Shut it, Mister I-eat-kittens-and-look-like-I'm-constipated-all-the-time." Naruto wrenched himself out of Sasuke's grasp.
"I. Do. NOT. Eat. Kittens."
Naruto crossed his arms, "Really?"
"Ok…Is that 'no, I don't eat kittens' or 'yes, I eat kittens and suck their cuteness through a straw because I lack the awesome-ness of Naruto'?"
Sasuke gave him a disgusted look, "Neither."
"You can't be 'neither'! It's either yes or no!"
"It means 'hn'."
"That's NOT a word!!!" Naruto flailed his arms like a lunatic.
Sasuke rolled his eyes, "It is in my vocabulary."
"If that's the case, you have the vocabulary of a two year old!!"
"Dobe, shouldn't you be worried about Hyuga…"
"Teme, shouldn't you be worried about Sakura?"
The Uchiha gave Naruto a withering look, "What's that supposed to mean?"
Naruto casually shrugged his shoulders, "Welllllll the dance is in three days, I wouldn't be surprised if Sakura's fan boys swarmed her by now…"
Naruto waved his hand nonchalantly, "Oh yeah, didn't you know? Almost all the guys here want to hook up with her."
Twitchity twitch, twitch…
'AHHHHH! VOICES IN MY HEAD!!!'
'Shut. Up. It's the Kyuubi, you numbskull!'
'Oh…AHHH! THERE'S A FOX IN MY BRAIN!!!'
'Keep it up, see what happens.'
'Heyyy…Wait a minute…I'M NOT AN IDIOT!'
'Congratulations, you have reached a new level of stupidity.'
'Well my idea is GENEUS!!'
'God…You can't even SPELL right in your mind…'
'You do realize you sentenced most of the male population to death with your little "geneus" idea.'
'Nu uh! Now Sasuke will realize his hidden affections for Sakura-chan!'
'Riight…You are well-aware he's not there anymore?'
"Eh? HEY TEMEEEEEE!! WHY'D YOU LEAVE!!!!?"
'Oh right. Why?'
'Are you teasing me?'
'Maybe…It's rude to answer a question with a question.'
'Does it look like I care?'
'Well…No. But we do know what you care about the most!' Inner Sasuke sang in a sing-song voice.
'Nope, my little emo princess. I'll give you a hint though. It begins with S and ends in A.'
'I don't care about Sakura.'
'Oh and the reason we're insanely jealous is because…what?'
Sasuke could feel his teeth grind, 'Not jealous.'
'Uh huh…Thus why you beaten up several MALE passer-bys for no good reasons…Yup. Makes total sense.'
'They were in my way.'
'To Sakura-chan if I recall.'
'Ha! I win!'
'Nice. Now everyone thinks your unstable…not that they didn't think that before.'
'Shut up, just shut up.'
"This is completely unfair…" Sakura mumbled under her breath as she left the Godaime's office.
That stupid, drunk, old, granny Godaime…refusing to give her missions like that…
Who does she think she is?
Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves?
Sakura let out a frustrated groan and shook her pink tresses. There really was no way out of this.
She tapped a finger to her chin. Well, I suppose she could go…In fact, it could be loads of fun. But…
She really didn't want to see Sasuke. Even since their little get-together…NOT a date, she really couldn't count eating cold chicken on the ground in awkward silence a date. But really, ever since that day, Sasuke has been acting weird. Well…weirder than usual.
Seriously, the boy needed a mood ring bad…
OW!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!!!
"Can we please return to our original story?"
Fine. Be that way…but when evil I'm-gonna-take-over-the-world-and-you-can't-stop-me-HA-HA-HA squirrels attack you, don't come crying to me…
Sakura was so caught up in her thoughts she failed to see the bulky human-ish road block in her path.
"WHAT THE HELL?!"
Tenten sighed dejectedly. It really wasn't fair. Why did she have to like some emotionally-retarded guy? OH yes, she'll admit it. Tenten likes Neji. Dun, dun, dun! The horror.
Everyone knew…it wasn't like some big secret. Konoha's Weapons Mistress has a thing for the Hyuga Prodigy. She stuck out her tongue. Stupid gossip…
I mean the way he's acting, it's almost like he's-
A shiny light bulb flashed above Tenten's head. How could she be so stupid?!
"I gotta find Neji!"
Orochimaru placed his hands on his hips, "Because what?"
"SO! Only real men wear pink!"
Neji scoff after finally calming down, "I don't wear pink and I'm a man."
"Well, that just proves you're in denial and, in reality, a girly-girly man." Orochimaru said rather matter-of-factly.
Rawr! HYUGA POWER!
Orochimaru tapped a finger to his chin, "Now…where was I? OH YES! Wear your eyeshadow, Kabuto!"
"B-but it gets into my eyes. IT BURNZZ US!!"
"I don't care, WEAR. IT."
Hyuga Power-up! Go, go POWER RANGERS-erm…Hyuga Neji!
"Prepare to meet my Hyuga fist of judgment!!"
5. Naruto's apartment. (Evil lurks behind those walls. EVIL, I SAY!)
4. Bugs. (Because seriously what girl isn't?)
3. Kakashi's Giggle Fest. (What's scarier than your aloof COOL teacher breaking down into school girl giggles-galore?)
2. Sasuke's PMS Stage. (Because the boy is in serious need of a mood ring…SERIOUSLY.)
And number one reason…Impersonator Sasuke. Aka: Rock-Lee-Pretending-AND-Dressing-Like-Our-Little-Emo-Princess.
And that is why Sakura is currently huddled into a little ball in a box in front of the currently brooding Rock-erm Sasuke.
"Hn." Sasu-Lee glared before straightening his blue shirt. Which might I add has an Uchiha fan drawn quite badly on the back…
"Um…Lee…Why are you dressed as Sasuke…?"
Sasu-Lee stuck his hands into the pockets of his white shorts, "Aa."
Suddenly he gripped her shoulders, "Sakura…Will you-"
Tenten let out a sigh of relief, "Thank God, I found you! I was looking for you for forever!"
'Maybe she came to say sorry…'
"I'm SO sorry, Neji!"
Inner Neji punched a fist through the air, 'Hell YEAH! I'm flipping PSYCHIC!'
'Shhh. Listen to her.'
'Maybe she's gonna ask us out!'
Tenten looked up with big brown doe-like eyes, "How can I have been so stupid? It was so obvious! I didn't think about your feelings at all. I mean, I should have noticed right away that you liked Kiba-"
'Wait a second…'
Tenten cocked a slim eyebrow up, "Well, judging by your reaction when I told you, I thought it was clear that well…You're-"
"PFFT!! HA, HA!! She thought you were GAY!!!" Orochimaru burst out into giggles.
Neji slapped a hand to his face. As Shikamaru would say, 'Too troublesome…'
"Wait…You're NOT gay, Neji…?"
Neji glanced beneath his hand, "What do you think?"
Tenten blushed darkly, "O-oh…W-well…"
Tenten squeaked, "Uh…yeah?"
"Are you…still going with Kiba?"
"Well…I don't know really-"
Suddenly Neji gripped her wrist and started to drag her away, "Good, because you're going with me."
Tenten shook herself out of her daze, "Wait…What? Hey Neji, wait! WAIT!"
Honestly, shouldn't a pink-haired girl be I don't know…EASY to find?
The Uchiha leapt from the building he was dashing across to the street. All he had to do was turn the corner and-
"Will you go out with me, Sakura?"
Sakura blinked uncontrollably before pointing to herself, "Me?"
Sasu-Lee nodded very un-Sasuke-like, "Yes, Sakura-chan."
Green eyes whipped around to meet an onyx pair. Sasuke stepped around the corner, sweat dripping down his face and a determine look flashing before her eyes.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
She had two choices. Which one, which one…To say yes and finally move on, or to say no and face possible rejection again…
Suddenly, emerald eyes opened, she wouldn't be played as the fool anymore.
Operation J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y reaching to the CLIMAX!
A/N: (EVIL LAUGH) FEAR MY CLIFF HANGERS OF DOOM!! DOOM, I SAY!! Ahh…I understand this chappy isn't really about Tenten. Actually it's more Orochimaru-and-Kabuto Crack if anything. It's one of my many issues I need to fix. I'm working hard, I swear! But seriously, everyone's got to wonder why Kabuto never wears eyeshadow like his master…But I will say this: I'm sorry, Tenten-chan. I'll be sure to put a special spotlight just for you soon. Oh and if anyone is confused as to why Lee is acting like Sasuke re-read chapter 11, Orochimaru tells Lee he has no chance with Sakura unless he suddenly became Sasuke so...yeah, you figure it out.
Hyper Writer plus computer equals fan fiction which equals reviews which divided by the number of hours in a day times fighting to prevent squirrel world domination equals more chapters! Get it, got it, good. REVIEW!!