About time I updated this fic. I know, I know, I could pump out the usual excuses about homework, having a social life etc, but in reality, I was just writing other things and couldn’t be bothered.

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own. No, really, it’s not mine. Bet you never saw that coming.

Scene: Where the people all meet Seymour (and talk to him) for the first time. Y’know, with the bastards who won’t let you through the gate that had me yelling. Again.

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‘This isn’t working!’ Tidus yelled, wriggling around like the worm he is.

‘Shut up, crybaby,’ Auron hissed, holding Tidus up by his hood. He waved the blonde in the guard’s face.

‘You know you want him! He’s a filthy man whore – and really flexible,’ Auron said, forcing Tidus’ feet behind his head.

‘Fuck you man!’ Tidus growled.

‘No, that’s paedophilia.’

‘PUT ME DOWN! YUUUUUNA! AURON’S TRYING TO USE ME TO BRIBE THE GUARD TO LET ME THROUGH!’ Tidus whined.

‘It was Yuna’s idea.’

‘Oh hell no!’ Tidus cried, his eyes filling with tears.

‘SiR thEre is NO wAy I caN LET YoU tHRouGh NO matTER whaT YOU offeR ME,’ the stiff soldier said, stressing random words and syllables. Growling, Auron threw Tidus aside. The blonde girly-man cried when he hit the ground. Lulu’s moogle ran over to him and kicked him five times to the goolies.

‘What the hell? You’ve gotta let me through! I NEED BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!’ Auron cried, breaking down and sobbing. Everyone looked around nervously, twitching slightly as the grown, hardened warrior sobbed like Tidus.

Suddenly, there was a flash of light. Everyone blinked in surprise and blindness.

Five minutes later, someone came walking slowly up. He bowed slightly to Yuna and offered her a spoon. Blushing, Yuna accepted the gift from the blue-haired man.

‘What’s with the hair, ya?’ Wakka whispered to Lulu.

‘THERE IS NO PROBLEM WITH MR COOL YOU JEALOUS ORANGE WANNA-BE MAN!’ Seymour shrieked, throwing spoons at the jealous orange wanna-be man. ‘FEEL MY WRATH!’ He picked up a weird-looking kid with long, black hair and threw him at Wakka.

‘HEY THAT HURT!’ Wrath cried before sulking away, muttering about bodies and humans and hate and roses. And that’s a lot of and.

Seymour observed the scene before him. Two men, one of them Sir Auron, were on the ground crying like babies. A toy moogle was kicking the blonde one in the groin continuously whist the goth-looking woman cackled manically. Yuna was still blushing and holding the spoon and Wakka was checking his reflection on his blitzball. You know that makes sense.

‘Lady Yuna, you have wonderful guardians,’ Seymour said. ‘Though I think you should ditch them for myself and the other spoon ninjas.’

Tidus suddenly stopped crying. Spoon ninjas replace HIM? NOT COOL.

‘Hey man, we kick ass!’ Tidus yelled. He attempted a round-house kick to demonstrate but fell on his face and started crying again.

‘Maybe you’re right… but we’re not going to get anywhere if they don’t open the gate,’ Yuna said, batting her eyelashes. Seymour reached across and pulled them off. Yuna shrieked.

‘What the hell?’

‘They’re too big.’

Yuna just blinked in confusion.

‘Where were we? Ah, yes. You were asking how to get your hair like mine!’ Seymour half-shouted, enthusiasm oozing off him. Kimahri growled and stepped out of the puddle.

‘Erm… no, we were discussing the gate.’

‘ARRRRRRRRRGH! THE GATE! WHERE? WHERE?’ Seymour screamed, diving for cover under Yuna’s skirt. Yuna smacked him with her staff. Being Yuna, it did five damage.

‘WEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK! YOU’RE WEAK!’ Seymour cried. ‘Come, I will teach you in the ways of Spoon Pwnage!’

With that, Seymour grabbed Yuna by the wrist and dragged her towards the gate. The others all looked at each other, eyebrows high except for Kimahri because Kimahri’s all cool and emotionless. Like a toaster. Or, maybe a fridge. NO! KIMAHRI IS A BOTTLE OF TOOHEY’S EXTRA DRY! Enjoy the clean, crisp taste.

Anyways, the Guardians all followed, concluding this was going to be a very, very weird experience, so Yuna needed their “support”. In other words, they were going to all watch and laugh their asses off.

‘Remember, Lady Yuna… life is like a box of spoons,’ Seymour said in his sensei-voice. Spoon Sparler nodded in the back grounding, as sparkly as a thousand sparkles.

‘In what way, Maester?’

‘BECAUSE I SAID SO, BITCH!’ Seymour cried, a collection of spoons hitting Yuna’s face. Half an hours later, Yuna cried. That’s really a delayed reaction…

‘YOU ARE HOPELESS! YOU FAIL WITH A “PH”! P-H-A-I-L! FAIL AT LIFE YOU PENGUIN WAFFLE!’ Seymour yelled, fuming. ‘Come, Spoon Sparler – to the Spoon Mobile! WHICH IS FOR SPOON NINJAS AND NOT PENGUIN WAFFLES THAT FAIL WITH A “PH” AT LIFE!’

And so, our very gentle Spoon Ninja and his sparkly assistant sped off into the night, leaving a heavy cloud of “WTF?” in the air.

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I seem to be incapable of writing a long chapter. Oh well… sorry again it took me so long.