The Price

by Ster Julie

Series: TOS

Coding: K/S, Mc; angst, tragedy

Rating: PG-13

Part 1of 1

Summary: Spock discovers what his restoration cost Kirk.

-ooOoo-

Golden curls. A young face, a young Kirk face, but not Kirk. Not my Jim. Scientist? A scientist, but not Starfleet. Civilian?

Spock opened his eyes and dropped his hands. He knew that when such memory fragments disturbed his meditations, said meditations were over until he chased down the memory ghost.

Spock eased himself quietly to the desk, not wanting to disturb his t'hyla's sleep. He pulled out the seldom-used keyboard to search quietly for his answers. He paused before typing his inquiry, trying to grasp as many of the wisps of memory as he could. The fragment seemed relatively recent. He could remember this civilian scientist interacting with Starfleet personnel in the current red uniforms, although he didn't trust his memory one hundred percent. For one thing, Saavik looked so different than he remembered.

Spock decided to access the ship logs from the time of his death.

Spock was stunned. He was first officer of the Enterprise. Why would he be denied access? Thinking he had mis-keyed his personal password, Spock re-typed it.

Spock sat back, one eyebrow aimed at the ceiling. He did not know what to think of this occurrence, yet he was loathe to disturb Jim. Suddenly, Spock heard a faint noise from the next set of quarters. McCoy was still awake, it seemed. Spock rose, slipped out into the hallway and signaled at the doctor's door. Surely, McCoy would have the answers he sought.

McCoy was pulling a clean t-shirt over his head when the door chime sounded. "Come," he called as he pulled the shirt into place.

"Am I disturbing you?" Spock asked quietly from the doorway.

McCoy motioned the Vulcan inside. "Not at all, Spock," he responded. "I was just getting ready for bed. What can I do for you?"

Spock crossed over to the desk. "Are you able to access the ship's logs?"

McCoy gave Spock a strange look. "Of course," he answered. "Can't you?"

Spock merely shook his head. "Would you mind calling them up for me?" he asked sheepishly.

McCoy shrugged, sat behind his desk, and logged on to his computer. "What timeframe do you want?"

"Around the time of my death," Spock answered. "There was a young civilian scientist aboard. I can remember his face, but I do not know his name."

McCoy sat back, unsure if he should proceed. Finally, he called up a still of the scientist in question.

"Yes!" Spock declared. "His name is . . . is Mark, no Davis, no. David. Doctor David Marcus. He is the son of Doctor Carol Marcus and . . . " Spock looked at McCoy. "And Jim. He is Jim's son."

McCoy's eyes misted over, remembering Jim's pain. How the man didn't have a breakdown over the rapid succession losses of his soulmate, his son and his ship was beyond McCoy's comprehension. "Was, Spock," McCoy whispered. "David was killed by the Klingons trying to protect you and Saavik."

Spock staggered at the news. McCoy, still seated at the desk, took Spock's hips and leaned him against the counter in an attempt to keep him upright. "Oh, Jim," Spock moaned.

"Spock, I'm sorry," McCoy murmured. "I thought you knew."

Spock pulled his hand from his face. "I was only told that Jim had made many sacrifices to restore me to life," he agonized. "I wasn't told what they were." Spock's eyes grew wide at a sudden thought. "What else did he sacrifice?"

"He ordered the ship to self-destruct," McCoy said simply.

Spock's jaw dropped at that. He motioned McCoy out of his seat and called up the last logs of the NCC-1701.

McCoy noted that the log buoy that had been ejected before the ship exploded over the Genesis planet had been retrieved. He relieved the moment that Jim had collapsed over the news that David had been killed, Jim's resolute determination to defeat the Klingons, to rescue Spock and Saavik, and to get the hell out of there.

A sudden, gasping, near-sobbing sound brought McCoy back to the present.

"Jim sacrificed the Enterprise? And his David? For me?" Spock anguished.

McCoy placed a hand on the Vulcan's shoulder. "Yes, Spock," the doctor answered, "and his career as well." He squeezed the taut shoulder and made a vain attempt to diffuse the situation with humor. "It's a good thing that Starfleet realized that Jim made a better captain than he did an admiral."

Spock tore him self from the doctor's grasp and bolted from the room. McCoy followed the Vulcan out of his quarters and down the hall back to his own.

A tormented "Jim!" was all the warning a sleeping Kirk got before Spock launched himself onto their bed and into his mate's arms. Kirk's arms tightened protectively around shaking Vulcan shoulders as he threw a suspicious glare at McCoy, who was standing at the room divider.

"He remembered David on his own, Jim," the doctor explained. "There was no keeping it from him." McCoy stopped to wipe his own eyes. "Call me if you need anything," he said before turning and leaving the room.

Kirk's arms tightened around Spock.

"How?" Spock breathed. "How could you risk so much for me? I had lived my life. David was just starting his."

Kirk's arms tightened even more at the mention of his son David, the son that was kept from his life at the insistence of Carol.

"Never, I never wanted to cause such pain to my t'hyla," Spock agonized.

Kirk caressed Spock's back. "You didn't kill David, Spock," Kirk soothed. "A Klingon tried to kill Saavik, and David stepped in to defend her." Kirk emitted a low, sad chuckle. "My boy showed that he was a Kirk to the end, stepping in to help a damsel in distress." Spock only moaned in response. "I got my revenge, Spock," Kirk grated. "I took care of those damn Klingons. I lured them aboard the Enterprise and blew her and them to kingdom come."

Spock didn't respond. He just held Kirk against himself, seeking understanding. "You risked everything, everything, for me, Jim," Spock sighed. "You didn't know that my body was alive. You risked everything, everyone for a shell."

"Spock," Kirk said more forcefully, "I didn't go just to save your life. I went to find my heart. And even now, knowing the outcome, I would do it all again, just the way I did it." Kirk paused as his chin began to quiver. "Only . . . only I would have made the time to tell David goodbye, tell him that I loved him, that I was sorry that I was not part of his life, and that I was proud of him."

Spock raised his hand to wipe away Kirk's tears.

"There are always casualties in war, Spock," Kirk continued. "Civilian casualties are always hardest, because civilians do not throw their lives on the line for the good of the service, like we do. I loved my son, and I will miss him terribly. As for the ship . . . Even though I loved the Enterprise, having you back in my arms, in my life, it was worth the price."

Spock took a great shuddering breath, raising his head to look into Kirk's eyes. "So, what you are telling me, Jim, is that you did all this, risked all this, lost so much, out of love for me," he stated.

Kirk ran a hand lovingly down the side of Spock's face until he was grasping the Vulcan's chin, hard.

"If you don't know by now that I love you, Spock," Kirk said, "I don't know what it's going to take!"

END