Disclaimer: Hellsing is totally not mine.

A/N: This piece of crackfic was inspired by a friend's recent livejournal entry with several unconventional pairings (like RipxHeinkel) and some that were truly crack (HiranoxMajor). I have the dubious distinction adding the following pairing to the list.

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Yumie kicked a rock as she sulked around Midian. She could not believe Heinkel had taken off with that soul slaved Nazi beanpole. It wasn't fair! Yumie had been trying for years to get in Heinkel's pants. Originally it had been just to find out what the hell was actually going on in there, but it had become so much more. And she had been so close! She was sure of it, just as soon as the war was over, if they were alive, she was sure she'd finally get some. And now some string bean strumpet had shown up, flashed her pearly pointies, and the androgynous object of her affections had breezed off with barely a promise of a wedding invitation.

"Bah! Weddings!" The sister grumbled, "Who needs them?"

"Not me," someone sniffled.

Turning toward the source of the sullen reply, Yumie found a gaunt man, his long body awkwardly folded to sit on a curb, dressed in an outlandish costume consisting of a bloodstained lab coat and... fetish wear?

Not that an innocent nun like Sister Takagi had any idea what fetish wear looked like. Honest.

The man sighed, and Yumie, with all her usual infinite compassion, asked, "What the fuck is wrong?"

"Mein Führer hast married a mangaka," came the forlorn and thickly accented response, which Yumie understood perfectly. Her long association with Heinkel had left her fluent in fanboy German and Duane Johnson-esque written accents. "Und I vasn't even hist maid ov honor!" Maid? So was this not a man? That was an awfully girly haircut he was sporting. "He gave zat to Schrödinger. Like zat experiment could handle such a duty." He shook his head, bobbed tresses swinging, "I should haf never taken Major to zat Canadian anime conwention."

"Canada," Yumie intoned with genuine sympathy. "What's your name?"

"Doc." How unisex. Yumie was intrigued. "Und now I haf no friends! I keep slicing them up!"

Crouching down beside him, Yumie said, "Me too."

Doc wiped his eyes. "Really?"

"Uh-huh..."