Author: Jade R. Raven PM
This is why ninja's shouldn't use the internet.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 3,282 - Reviews: 110 - Favs: 183 - Follows: 20 - Published: 01-20-06 - Status: Complete - id: 2762001
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto, nope, just don't.
GothGurl: Been meaning to write this very silly idea. Beforehand I would like to say that if there are any lines that look like they should be questions but aren't, then I'm sorry. This site eats my punctuation. On with the story!
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Iruka wasn't one to go web-surfing very often.
Sure, he owned a laptop and he had internet, but he was usually too busy tutoring young ninja's or doing boring paperwork to actually sit down down and enjoy it. And whenever he did have enough free time for such things, he usually opted for a rousing game of solitaire instead. Because this is Iruka we're talking about.
But one particular afternoon, after all his students had run off to cause trouble somewhere else, he decided it was time to do something a little different. He sat down at his desk and whipped out his handy dandy laptop that you will never see in the show, and went on the internet. Unfortunetly, he didn't know very many interesting sites.
So he opened up Google.
I'm sure we all know how amusing it is to type random things in Google and see what pops up, and this is exactly what was going through the young chuunins mind as well. He typed in 'spork', 'penguin' and 'Toasted Hampster' before he had a better idea. Giggling gleefully, he typed in 'Naruto' in the searchbox, wondering if that girl Hinata had made some sort of online shrine for him or something.
...Or maybe Naruto had made a shrine for himself. Iruka wouldn't put it past him.
Instead, something called came up on the screen.
"Fanfiction?" he read, frowning slightly. What was fanfiction? What did THAT have to do with Naruto? Shrugging, he clicked on the link and read.
And his eyes widened.
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"I bring you all here today, to discuss something very, very disturbing!" Iruka pointed his finger in the air as he eyed the small mob in his classroom.
All of the Rookie Nine, Gai's team, and the other sensei's were lounging about, leaning on desks and fidgeting.
None of them knew what Iruka had called them here for, and frankly, they weren't all that interested.
"Iruka-sensei..its Friday.." whined Kiba. Akamaru barked. "Akamaru! That's just plain rude!"
"I have better things to do." huffed Neji, but we all know he just wanted to leave so he could torment Hinata.
"Me too." said Sasuke. "I have to train and become strong enough to kill my brother and avenge my clan!" he added, just in case anybody didn't know. But they did. Oh yes, they DID.
"And me." said Shino. "Except without the revenge part."
"I don't." said Shikamaru, crossing his arms. "I just don't want to be here. Period."
"Trust me guys, you'll want to know about this!" Iruka assured them. Without further ado, he whipped out his Handy Dandy Laptop that you will never see in the show and turned it to face them. "See!"
Everyone leaned forward in unison to get a better look at the screen. Okay, so it was a website. Um..?
"Um..?" said Gai, since no one else was going to.
Iruka gasped, and pointed wildly at the screen. "Don't you see! Don't you see whats in the site! LOOK!" he pointed at one particular link on the screen, and everyone looked at it.
Hot Tub Madness reviews
See what happens when Naruto and Sasuke AREN'T fighting. Yaoi, Saku bashing and SasuNaru, Sandcest! R&R!
Naruto-Fiction Rated: M-English-romance/humor-Chapters: 3
Everyone blinked in unison. Except Sasuke. His eyes were wide and bloodshot.
"Is that website insinuating...what I THINK its insinuating?" he demanded, shooting a glare at Iruka who flinched visibly.
"I don't get it." said Naruto obliviously.
"Its not just you two! Its ALL of us! Theres a whole section of this wacko site dedicated to writing about OUR lives!" cried Iruka, waving his arms around frantically. Sasuke was still glaring at him and muttering, as if his potential gayness was Iruka's fault.
"So we have a stalker?" asked a bunch of people, the ones who weren't still contemplating what could go on between non-fighting Naruto and Sasuke in a Hot Tub.
"Its more then one person! There are hundreds of stalkers writing stories about us as we speak! Maybe there's someone writing a story about us finding out about them writing the stories!" Iruka was pretty much hysterical by now.
There was a pause.
Then all at once everyone stampeded across the short distance to Iruka's desk and circled around the handy dandy laptop, knocking over the poor flustered chuunin.
"MADNESS!" screeched Iruka from his place on the floor under Asuma's foot.
"Look! We can sort by names!" said Kurenai excitedly.
"We can sort by TWO names!" Kiba sounded WAY too impressed by this.
"OH! OH! PICK ME! PICK ME!" Gai and Lee were bouncing around and blocking other peoples view, not that they cared.
"No! Find stories about me and Sasuke-kun!" squealed Ino and Sakura, before they glared at each other and each latched onto one of Sasuke's arms. Sasuke barely noticed, he was still looking murderous at nothing in particular now that Iruka had left his line of vision.
"W-we could look at romance stories." suggested Hinata. You all know what she was hoping for.
"Angst." said Neji. As if his word was law.
"Humor. Or parody." said Shino randomly, and everyone turned to eye the stoic trenchcoat-wearing Aburame. "...What?"
"Hmm.." Kakashi siddled himself through the group and popped up in front of the laptop, resting his fingers on the keyboard. "How about...we look at romance, since Hinata-san spoke first."
"Eeew, gross!" said Naruto, and Hinata bowed her head in shame. Stupid Naruto.
"But...none of us are going out." said Chouji, scrunching up his face. "How would they write romances about us?"
"I'm sure they'll find a way, Chouji." Shikamaru was leaning on the desk with his cheek on his hand. As you can imagine, he thought the whole business was extremely troublesome. Even MORE so since they were looking up romance stories, and Shikamaru despised romance stories. He had despised them ever since he was nine, which was the age Ino had decided he was going to be the one she would see Chick Flicks with from now on. Oh, the memories! The memories of trying to block out the terrible sounds of unrealistically attractive men and women salivating over each other, while Ino would go on about how "adorable" it all was.
He still shuddered at the thought. Ooooh, troublesome indeed.
By now Kakashi had loaded his search results and was now scrolling down the list. "Wow." he blinked. "These people sure do come up with weird couples."
Sakura and Ino squealed and gazed longingly at Sasuke. Hinata didn't squeal but still gazed longingly at Naruto while Kiba gazed longingly at her. Naruto and Lee gazed longingly at Sakura, Chouji gazed longingly at a bag of chips that was hard to open, and Shino might have been gazing longingly at something, but since he wears sunglasses you would never know it. Tenten couldn't decide whether to gaze longingly at Lee or Neji. The teachers had slim choices so they all gazed longingly at Kurenai. But Shikamaru's hormones are far too lazy to rage so he opted to simply close his eyes until it was over.
Once all that longing gazing was over and done with, they actually decided to see what Kakashi meant by 'weird couples.'
There was a pause.
"Okay, who is this Iruka person everyone thinks I'm obsessed with?" said Kakashi suddenly.
"Right here." Asuma raised his foot and peered down at the smushed chuunin. Iruka looked stunned.
"Huh?" he looked at Kakashi.
"Eh...?" Kakashi looked back.
"...Um...well.." Iruka said.
"Have I ever even talked to you?" Kakashi deadpanned.
"Yeah, once around the office...about Naruto."
They both cleared their throats loudly. Everyone looked on in amusement except for the innocent ones who didn't get what was going on, but they looked on in amusement anyway so they wouldn't be left out. Oh, those fool children.
"Lets move on." said Kakashi. He clicked on the mouse a bit and scrolled down, trying to act all dignified. He pulled it off, he's Kakashi after all. "Hmm...more Sasuke/Naruto stuff.."
"Lets read some of that!" cheered Naruto, STILL completely oblivious about the subject matter of these stories.
"Thats it. I'm leaving." Sasuke got up and stomped out the classroom door, his eyebrow twitching.
"Awwwww..." whined Sakura and Ino. Normally they would have followed after him and demanded dates, but that would mean missing the creepy stalker stories! NOT GONNA HAPPEN!
They all bustled around the computer some more, trying to get a good look at the devious website before them. This went on for several minutes before they started to realize a pattern.
"Um...I have a question.." started Lee.
"WHY DO THESE PEOPLE THINK WE'RE ALL GAY AND DOING EACH OTHER?" yelled Kiba as though that was something okay to just yell in a school. Several students passing by the door quickly shuffled away. Akamaru barked. "Oh, quiet Akamaru! I don't care if I'm freaking out the freshmen! They have to learn sometime!"
Lee blinked owlishly at Kiba's outburst. He had no idea what 'gay' meant or what 'doing each other' was, but he figured they were just fancy words. You see, poor Lee has led a very sheltered life so far, and even at the age of 13 he remains blissfully ignorant of such things.
Gai had told him babies come from kissing girls, which really makes you wonder what exactly Lee was trying to pull all those times he blew a kiss at Sakura.
Ino twitched as her eyes caught something on the page. "Shikamaru and...Temari?"
Shikamaru looked up. The snoozing hormones were kicked awake and went skidding across the floor of Shikamaru's brain. Once they stopped, they jumped up, hopping about in circles going; 'Temari? Temari WHERE?'
Shikamaru himself just grunted. Ino looked outraged.
"Thats a ridiculius pairing! I mean, you and GAARA'S SISTER?"
The Nara shifted. "Yeah...thats just nutty.." Die, hormones, die. Rather then dying, the hormones did a little jig. Oh, wonderful.
"She's crazy! She's dangerous and from a different village and her hair is stupid! Not to mention the age difference!" huffed Ino. Everyone sort of backed away from the blonde, she'd gone all territorial and scary just now.
The tapdancing hormones, however, payed no heed to survival instincts. "Its only a three year difference, that wont matter when we're older." he blurted before he could stop himself.
Ino turned her head very slowly. "What? Older? OLDER!"
The group quickly scooped up the laptop and moved to a different desk as poor Shikamaru was attacked by a very possesive Ino.
"Poor Shikamaru." said Chouji. But its not like he was going to try to interfere with Ino killing him, that would be beyond stupid.
Now they continued to regard the fanfics. From some angsty Kakashi fics ("Why does everyone make me seem like I'm on the dge of suicide every second of my life?" "Because you are." "Oh yeah...") to some really weird humor fics ("HAW HAW HAW! Oh, Neji in a bunny suit! I love it! GENIUS!" "...Sensei...").
Then Lee noticed something. He stared at the word for a moment, trying to deciphere its meaning all by himself. Unfortunetly, he is only a taijutsu master, not a dictionary. So he asked out loud for the answer to The Mystery.
"Whats GaaLee?" he asked ever so innocently.
Everyone jumped and stared at the screen. Then they found the story.
They read that right.
They all thought that was nuts of course, I mean--!
"...Actually.." said Tenten thoughtfully. "Thats kinda sexy."
Everyone stared at Tenten.
"Yeah, it is," said Ino, and everyone whirled around to stare at HER. Shikamaru was a steaming heap behind her. "I mean, Gaara hates everything and Lee LOVES everything..."
Kurenai nodded. "Very true."
By now the men were all kind of like OMG WTF!
"Oh! And the eyebrows!" squealed Sakura as if eyebrows were just the kinkiest thing in the world. "They have opposite eyebrows! Like...yin and yang or something!"
"OH MY GOD!" yelled all the females (save Hinata, who was completely mortified at her fellow kunoichi's behaviour) as they instantly became scary yaoi fangirls and mauled the screen, looking for more slash stories whilst drooling visibly.
The men stood there in shock like this:O!
And the females (save Hinata) gathered in a circle around the laptop and started giggling noisily like this:D!
And Lee was still just like: "?"
"The HELL?" said Naruto, everyone else was still in horrible, horrible shock.
"They seem to want to keep the laptop..." said Shino, adjusting his sunglasses as he regarded the giggling gaggle of girls looking very stoic and Shino-ish.
"That was very mentally scarring! I for one am never looking at that site again!" said Gai. The lack of nice guy pose showed that he was lying. He was SO going to be fangirling later.
"Me neither. It was stupid." said Neji, but he was lying to. Maybe he would even write one. One where he got to blow up the Main House. Oooh...Yes, thats sounded like a good plan. He liked that plan...for the story, that is.
"I'm reading it! I want to see who people pair me up with!" said Kiba as he's not afraid to show his feelings. Akamaru barked and Kiba blushed, glancing towards Hinata. "Geez, keep it down would you? She could hear you..."
Shino adjusted his sunglasses, already taking notes in his head about his future romantic comedy. It would be about Kiba and Hinata, of course, and he would bring them together with all his charm and people skills that he had but no one knew about. Oh yes. It would be a hit, he could tell. His screensname would be AntzInDaPantz.
Shikamaru was still a steaming heap, but the hormones were poking him and inquiring why he was lying there when he should be looking for Temari. Or Ino. But Ino wasn't friendly that day so for once the hormones didn't have to debate about this. Which was VERY troublesome.
The girls were blushing over a very inappropriate slash scene. Lets move on.
Iruka just hoped he would be able to get his computer back. Kakashi was pondering what to do today after his daily angsting down at the memorial (perhaps he could pick up some paper towels on the way back), and Gai was being harrassed by Lee who STILL didn't know what GaaLee was and now wanted to know what yin yang eyebrows had to do with it. Asuma, whom I don't think has said one thing this entire fic, was smoking and thinking it would be nice to have a computer and read all the stories about him that his legions of fans he must have must have written, but he needed his money for his smokes. That's another reason for him to quit, I suppose.
Lee was harrassing Gai. He lost interest in the stories quite some time ago. Actually, he lost interest when a fruit fly had flown by as he is very easily distracted you see.
Naruto was looking over at what the girls were reading and his jaw dropped to the ground. His expression was like this: WWWWTTTTFFFFFFF!
And anyone who has been forgotten was just standing there in the backround not moving or thinking or doing anything. AT ALL. But I think everyone was mentioned so its all good.
Like Shino said, the girls were far too happy with the Sexy Slash Content (they had long since moved on from GaaLee to NejiSasuke, since BOTH of them are just SO pretty, whereas Lee is just ewwy) to give it up, and eventually everyone filed out of the room, save for Iruka who was trying to lure the girls away from the laptop with chocolate.
Yes, they all had better things to do then ponder over stalkers, most of them were already pretty used to stalkers already (or, in Naruto, Lee, and Neji's case, they WERE stalkers). So, life went on.
And all the fanfic authors rejoiced that they had not been beaten up.
Meanwhile, Sasuke had long since stopped stomping (it was tiring and made him look bratty, when he's not, he's just angst-ridden and freakishly murderous for a twelve-year old) and had just reached the empty Uchiha complex that always seemed to have dark clouds over it despite the good weather elsewhere.
As soon as he was inside and drinking a pepsi that had an Uchiha fan instead of a pepsi logo, his curiousity nudged him slightly.
He hated curiousity. It killed the cat you know.
But his computer that was a bit outdated and rarely used called out to him; Its allright Sasuke, it can be our little secret. No one has to know...you know you wanna...
'Hmm...' he thought, eyeing the dust covered screen. 'I suppose it wouldn't hurt to just look..I'll just avoid the ...the NaruSasu ones..' he shuddered and walked briskly to his computer, turning it on and drumming his fingers impatiently on the desk for it to load. Goddamn dial-up...
The screen beeped at him and he clicked on his internet access and found the site remarkably fast (he's Uchiha Sasuke, remember).
He clicked to search for stories about him, and he was promptly bombarded with Naru Sasu. "NO! NO NO!" then he found SasuSaku. "Ugh, not much better..."
He pondered his predicament. There was a second name search, so maybe he should put in a second name that WASN'T Naruto or Sakura?
Then he got an idea..
Sasuke got a wonderful, AWFUL idea...
He clicked in 'Itachi' and pressed search, fully expecting action adventure stories of his glorious battle with his evil, evil elder brother.
And of course he would win. He BETTER win.
He read the first summary that came up:
Its the final 'confrontation' between Sasuke and Itachi! Uchihacest, plz R&R!
And there was the rating and stuff that Sasuke didn't care about. His brows furrowed at the word 'Uchihacest'. What was that?
Shrugging, he clicked the link and read.
Uchiha Sasuke was never the same again.
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GothGurl: Hehe..that was fun to write. But first things first...
If the fanfics mentioned have the same title or are in any way similiar to a story you have written, this was not intentional and please don't yell at me for it!
I wrote this fic purely for my own amusement, I wasn't even going to post it until a friend advised me to anyway. There was NO serious bashing going on here, because I love Naruto in all its forms, so there's no need to go AAAAAA I HATE U YOU BASHED MY FAVE PAIRING! Cause I most certainly did not.
Okay, thats it! Hope you enjoyed that, even if it was pointless and weird XD! Reviews would be nice!