By Clorinda

Rated: PG

Category: Angst/Drama

Summary: Hello, my name is Judas, but for some reason, everyone seems to call me Lieutenant Shayera Hol. One-shot. (Slightly better than it sounds.)

Author's Note: I wrote this fic after watching the last episode of "Star Crossed." and my brain is still a bit fuzzy, so I don't think this fic is state of the art. But it is ENTIRELY written in Hawkgirl's POV— ESPECIALLY that last scene with John.

Freedom is another word for nothing to lose.

Kris Kristofferson

With Hro Talak, everything was so different. He and I were betrothed to one another beyond our will, long before we were born. I know he loved me, and that was something. I had expected life with him would be dull, harsh and punctuated with arguments, and nights of falling asleep while waiting for him to home. And if he didn't, I would have to get my mourning clothes and crocodile tears ready.

And it contrasted so badly with the truth. Hro loved me, he loved the indecisive little girl I was. He would look into my eyes and say I had the body of a warrior, the face of a child, but the heart of a lady.

And I was happy. Happy to have someone who loved me for who I really was.

But then he was defeated and taken prisoner during a battle, and like I imagined, the tears never came. Do you know why? A warrior woman will never cry. She will launch an attack on the fort that holds her loved one.

And Hro was mine again.

Until the day my duty took over, and I landed on Earth. And that was the day when my life fell apart.

There were new people who became my friends, people who trusted me, the stranger behind a helmet. They didn't know what my race looked like, what became of my planet, what my name was, and yet they accepted me in their home and treated me like an equal.

And I repaid them with the weight of their generosity in lies, without a sting of regret.

And then there was John Stewart, the Green Lantern, with his translucent green eyes that looked so much like mine. One glance into them, and I was falling. Falling into the pits of Love with walls so high that I could never climb up and stand on Indifference ever again.

I learnt what it was to hate. To hate oneself for letting one's duty slip by, to hate oneself for abandoning the man who attempted to escape out of a prison impossible to navigate just so he could be with me again.

When Hro came back for me, I had tried my hardest to go back to him. I had lied to my new friends for so long, so why not lie some more? Undoubtedly, they must have held back some secrets from me too. So, I had turned my back on them, not caring what became of their easily breakable powers.

So what if I had told them Superman was steadily weakened through Kryptonite, Batman was useless without the gadgets on his belt, Diana could never break free with her own lasso binding her, Green Lantern was rubbish without his ring?

So what if they screamed "Traitor!" after me? After all, it was only fair that I should betray the Lantern for Hro, after I had betrayed Hro for him.

And it contrasted so badly with the truth. Hro had lied to me, the Lantern never had.

I didn't know what to do anymore, which road to take, why. I gave the Lantern his ring back because I remembered his blind trust, but the sight of Hro made me want him, even after I had betrayed Hro for lying to me.

I was lost with no idea of which side to take. I wanted to save Earth and all her unsuspecting people, but could I really forfeit my home for my house?

Ultimately I did.

The day I handed in my resignation from the Justice League, I had received news my planet, Thanagar was blown into bits, and I cried so much for the little boy who had lived next door, desperately clinging to me as I taught him how to fly. I had to leave, and he had assured me he wouldn't take flying lessons from anyone but me.

I had to leave Earth and all it's people. I couldn't afford to let it suffer. Not after everyone sheltered me.

Saying goodbye to the Green Lantern is the hardest, for I have hurt him more than any one of us. I do not know why I am without my battle helmet, or even the mask I wore when I fought beside the League.

Even as I say "I love you John, there were never any lies about that," my chest aches as I remember my longing to be in Hro's strong arms again, my want to lean my head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat, knowing everything will be all right again.

I turn, and flap my wings, the familiar breeze grazing past my face, reminding me of the times Hro and I flew side by side, my hand lost in his enormous one.

I feel this unreal peace in the sky, a sense of safety. A world where John does not belong, a world where Hro was once mine.

But the tears are falling down the Lantern's, no John's cheeks, and I hate myself for thinking about Hro. My wings flap harder, and I'm in the sky, heading for the distant horizon, silently thanking John for never once saying he loved me. I do not want that burden, the terrible realisation that I betrayed another man who loved me.

His love will only remain an assumption, and I wish Hro's would be the same.

I know not where I will go, but I know that wherever I land, I will start a new life of lying, cheating, and betraying. I want to stop, but I cannot. It is all that I have to remind myself that I was always broken, and I break every man I love.

—- End -—

Author Note: Sorry if it turned out crappy, but my brain's so fuzzed up right now. The whole of "Starcrossed" was so sad— Hawkgirl should have had a happy ending after everything that happened!