Play with Fire

Author: Chaos Valkyrie

First Conceptualized: January 16, 2006

Posted Chapter 09: February 26, 2009

Disclaimer: Don't own FFX. Because Squeenix is Evil. But not as Evil as I.

Author's Note: Yes, 'Next Sunday' was figurative speaking. Because I hadn't counted on my father's accident, my mother's major abdominal surgery, my subsequent having to take over most of the family business while they recovered, nor my own surgery to boot. Sorry again. This one's long – and hopefully pretty funny – I thought so anyway – to make up for it.

Last Time (Because it should be reiterated):

He wasn't sure how much time passed – minutes, hours – but it was still dark outside when a rustling noise caught his attention. Many rustling noises, in fact. And something was moving under the blanket… and it was not him.

"Raventhurst, is that you?" he asked hesitantly, before a swarm of creatures – small and distinctly not-yellow – jumped on top of him.

Chapter Nine: Time Out!

Half an hour later…

"I feel so violated. Completely, utterly violated." Auron trailed off, twitching at the memory. Rikku and Tidus grinned from the other side of the foyer.

"Serves you right!" Rikku chirped. "You nearly got Tidus killed!"

"Yeah!" Tidus agreed, shivering at the memory. "And not to mention Clasko… and Rikku…" he shuddered again.

Yuna merely rolled her eyes. "Will you three ever get along? We'll never finish this pilgrimage if we keep fighting amongst ourselves!" she exclaimed.

"And that would be bad… why?" Rikku muttered under her breath. Tidus nodded.

"That's all the more reason to keep it up!" he whispered. Apparently, it was not quiet enough, for Yuna frowned at him.

"And not only did you two wake the entire agency, but you broke Sir Auron!" she yelled, pointing at the twitching elder guardian, who had several (very lucky) fan girls hovering about him adoringly. He was too far gone to care, and the fan girls were too happy to have a docile Auron to attack Tidus and Rikku for their transgressions.

"Well, it's not like we knew the monkeys would be so… frisky," Rikku explained with a shrug. "Apparently, Auron has quite the animal magnetism."

One of the fan girls cooed in response.

Yuna forced away the smile that was threatening to break loose. "Everyone back to bed! Wakka, put Sir Auron in your room for the rest of the night," Yuna gestured, much to the chagrin of the fan girls. Tidus and Rikku made their escape from the angry summoner while she and Lulu pried a still incoherent Auron away from his devotees.

It was several minutes (and Firagas) later before the summoner and her remaining guardians successfully pried him away.

"Actually," she began, a smile forming as she watched his twitching form, "I have a better idea."

Yuna knew something had to be done with her three erstwhile Guardians, and fast. At the rate the pranks were escalating, they would soon cause more damage to Spira than the current incarnation of Sin! This reassurance, however, that it was 'all for the sake of Spira' didn't relieve her guilt complex much.

It's a known fact that all Travel Agencies tend to be built from a mixture of native resources and cobbled together machina parts – and with Rin being the cutthroat entrepreneur that he was, the storerooms in particular were almost Ultima-proof. Which was fortunate, considering just who they were planning to lock inside said storeroom.

Luckily, a deeply disturbed Sir Auron was an obscenely easy-to-manipulate Sir Auron, so they had no problem convincing him – after removing his sword for the safety of all parties involved – that the storeroom would be the best place for him to hide from the evil little monkeys.

Yuna felt slightly guilty at how incredibly easy it was to trick Tidus. All it took was a single head tilt, a nervous wringing of her hands, and he was only too happy to go in and take care of 'the big bad fiend that somehow got in the storeroom' for her.

The guilt somewhat dispersed when she was forced to have Wakka cast Silence on the door a few minutes later. She hadn't known Tidus could yell quite so loud.

Rikku, however, was a wily one. Yuna knew they'd never trick her into the storeroom with any direct approach. So it was with some reluctance that she enlisted the aide of the Agency clerk and traveling salesman. It is another well known fact that no Al Bhed can resist a good gag… and it didn't hurt that the clerk was some-kind-of-pissed about the whole monkeys-in-the-guestroom thing. The final phase of Yuna's sinister plan began at breakfast… brunch… whatever.

Rikku vaguely wondered – without much apprehension, mind – where everyone was. Auron, she figured, was probably propped in a corner somewhere, still drooling on himself. Or plotting her imminent demise, whatever – nothing new. And Yuna was probably over at Remiem, with Lulu and Kimahri, and Tidus and Wakka were probably, erm, training or something. Point was, it was much too early in the – she looked at her watch – afternoon to care.

She went up to the counter, thanking the cheerful clerk as she handed Rikku her first-of-many daily doses of sugar. She found an empty table – which really, wasn't difficult – and sat down to drink and plot.

"So, did Rin ever discover what that weird machina that he discovered over by the Scar does?" the traveling agent asked, leaning on the counter as he packed his provisions. Rikku's ear twitched. Weird machina?

"No. I don't think he ever did," the clerk sighed, then grinned and whispered conspiratorially. "Of course, Rin is no machina genius. For all his entrepreneurial skill, he can barely tell which end of a screwdriver is which!" The two giggled, and Rikku had to nod in agreement. Rin was widely known to suck at anything mechanical.

"Too bad, too," the salesman sighed, "It sure looked like it must have some amazing powers. Sparkly too."

'Oo… sparkly powerful machina…' The words danced in Rikku's head, cocoa forgotten. 'Sparkly… must see…' she absently wiped the drool from the corner of her mouth.

"Well, too late now. It's locked in the storeroom, and only a master mechanic can break in there. He wants me to scrap it this afternoon," the clerk shook her head, shrugging as if to say, 'what can I do?' Meanwhile, Rikku's brain had frozen.

'Sparkly… scrap… sparkly… storeroom… scrap! NO!'

Rikku made a mad thieverly dash for the storeroom, and had they not been intently watching for just such an event, the clerk and salesman would never have seen her disappear. As it was, they merely smirked.

"Kimahri think this bad idea…"

"Sh! She'll hear you," Yuna shushed them, as the four conspirators watched Rikku tiptoe stealthily down the hall from a crack in Yuna's bedroom door.

"Is she… humming?" Wakka asked bemusedly.

Yes, the Mission-Impossible Theme had indeed returned.

Rikku paused outside the storeroom, lock picks glinting in her hand. She pushed them slowly into the lock, focused intently on the task before her. One tumbler, two… tricky third… she just couldn't let Rin scrap yet another cool piece of machina… third down… tumbler four was a bit sticky… who knew what this one did… still sticky… it could be a super cool weapon… still sticky… or maybe an ancient brainwashing device that she could use to convince Yuna to drop the pilgrimage… still sticky… or make Auron squawrk like a chocobo, that'd be cool… fourth down, last tumbler to go… or it could make candy!... just a little bit more… Rikku likes candy…

Click. Rikku shivered in anticipation as she pushed the door slowly open. This would be the best thing ever… machina heaven!

And then a very large, distinctly furry paw shoved her forcibly into the room, the door slamming shut behind her with an ominous and very final-sounding boom.

"Welcome to Hell, Rikku, welcome to Hell," a deep, very recognizable voice echoed from the darkness. As the implications settled, she gulped, her mouth suddenly dry. She would've gladly welcomed Sin into her airship for tea and crumpets over this…

"Oh, vilg…"

"So, ya, why'd we do that again?" Wakka asked, scratching his head.

"Well, I believe the three of them need to settle their differences, so either they'll be forced to learn to get along…" Yuna trailed off.

"Or the four of us had better train harder, since we'll now be short three guardians," Lulu finished, crossing her arms. The Black Mage, Summoner, and Ronso looked at each other knowingly, and then as one headed outside for more training.

"Ya, I'll sure miss them… maybe…" Wakka trailed off before following the others.

"Hey! Let me out of here!" Rikku pounded on the door, knuckles already red and pained-looking – as if she could see them in the dark – a panicking Tidus beside her.

"Yuna! Help!"

"You might as well conserve your energy, you two," the deep voice of Auron sighed from the other side of the room, "They are the ones who locked us in here to begin with."

"Shut up! Yuna wouldn't want to see me dead like that…" Rikku trailed off, thinking hard. "I'm pretty sure, anyway."

"I thought she liked me!" Tidus yelped. Auron sighed, before something cold and wet smacked into both younger guardians. They yelped.

"Did you just hit us with an Ice Gem?" Rikku screeched, wiping the ice frantically away from where it had fallen down her shirt. Thank Ancestors that it was pitch-black in here…

"Yup."

Both Rikku and Tidus paused, the very not-Auron response confusing them momentarily. Auron used this moment to throw another Ice Gem. With a Lightning Gem for good measure.

(Honestly, he had no idea what he was throwing. He could've been throwing cookies for all he knew. It was pitch black, he was still wearing his sunglasses, and this was the first open box he could find. All he really knew was that whatever he was throwing was making them shut up, and that was okay in his book.)

"Auron," Rikku started after she got over her lightning-induced shock (no pun intended, which makes it funnier). She heard Tidus skitter away from her, apparently a little unnerved at the evilly calm tone of her voice.

"Auron. If you keep this up, I'm going to use my Claw, and I'm going to Stab. You. To. Death! And then… Then, I'll have Yuna revive your sorry ass so I can do it again!" she finished with a screech. Auron's corner was silent for a long moment, before…

"Bring it on, Swirly," his voice taunted, before another Lightning Gem exploded at her feet.

"Thank you, Snuff… er, Ifr… um…" Yuna grimaced, a suddenly grumpy Aeon disappearing as the Malboro's pyreflies danced before them.

"Whark!" a little voice chirped, and Yuna cooed as Raventhurst-slash-Tweety bounced out of the grass behind them.

"Aw, hi… Tweety?" she asked, and grinned as the chocobo chirped at her. At least she got one name right… She knelt down, and smiled wider as the chocobo nuzzled her hand.

"He is awfully precious, isn't he?" Lulu stated, kneeling down to pet the bird as well.

And no, Wakka did not instantly go brain dead and start drooling at the sight of knelt-over Lulu before him.

Really.

Truly.

Well…

Kimahri sighed, thinking that there were so many jokes he could make about this, if jokes about Wakka and his brain cells – or possible lack thereof – weren't already so overly-redundant in fan fiction.

That, and he really didn't like talking much.

And the moment had sorta passed…

And what the hell was a fan fiction anyway?

Anywho, by this point Lulu had placed her Moogle down in front of the little chocobo, who in turn had tilted its head and wharked at it curiously, before nudging it with his beak.

"Aw, he thinks its people," Yuna squealed, smiling. Lulu frowned, about to ask why it wasn't people, when Tweety did something that distracted them all – even Wakka – completely.

"Hey!" Lulu screamed, as the little chocobo grabbed the bauble hanging from the Moogle's head and made a mad dash – stuffed doll and all – away from the Summoner's party for better parts unknown.

"Bring that back you little terror!" she screamed, chasing after him.

"When I find you, you're dead!" Rikku screamed, scrambling over boxes in the dark, swiping about with her Devastator as flames burst before her from yet another item-attack.

Tidus, pressed up against the door so as to get out of her murderous little way, was rather awed by all the new curse words he was learning. In Al Bhed, no less. 'She puts the spectators at the Zanarkand Dome to shame,' he thought, deeply impressed.

And Auron… Auron was highly, highly amused, going so far as to smile openly, since no one could see him anyway. Seeing as how Rikku couldn't kill him – too late, even if she could find him – and how easy it was to find her in the dark – maybe if she would just shut up and stop making it so damn easy – he even went so far as to chuckle, softly, to himself.

"Ready to give up yet?" he taunted.

"NO you vilgehk pycdynt…" her rage made the rest indecipherable as she leapt over the boxes towards the sound of his voice.

Tidus, again, was impressed at how silently Auron could move as Rikku, not for the first nor the last time, screamed at finding nothing in the dark.

"Pom-pom!" Lulu cried, running up to her bedraggled Moogle sitting dazedly in the grass. As she knelt before it, frantically giving it a once over, the others looked at each other oddly, before ultimately deciding to let the weird name – and any jokes about it – pass. They liked their various extremities where they were – i.e., still attached to their bodies – very much, thank you.

Okay, really, Yuna and Kimahri looked at each other. Wakka was a little busy drooling just then.

And naturally, that gave Evil the perfect moment to strike.

"Wha… Hey! Dat's my blitzball!" Wakka cried, as a small, fluffy yellow demon streaked back into the grass.

"Whark!"

"Catch dat bird!"

"When I… can move… again…" Rikku gasped from her spot on the floor.

"I'm so dead. I know, Rikku, I know," Auron's voice echoed, the note of satisfaction unmistakable.

Before Rikku could retort, the forlorn little voice of Tidus distracted her.

"Why would Yuna do this to me…" he trailed off sadly. Rikku 'aw'ed inwardly.

"Well, Tidus, she obviously thinks that you – really, all of us – deserve this punishment," Auron answered. Tidus sniffled, while Rikku frowned.

"You meanie!"

"You know its true," Auron stated matter-of-factly. Rikku shrugged.

"I know that! But you still don't have to say it like that!" Rikku fussed as Tidus continued to sniffle. "You hurt his feelings! Didn't you ever have a girlfriend? Like, ever?" Rikku taunted.

"Well, actually…" Auron began, and even Tidus stopped pouting as both younger guardians leaned forward eagerly.

"Whark!"

"How can it even run and carry my staff like that? It's twice his size!" Yuna panted, as she – and her three guardians – followed the spiteful little monster on its mission of doom.

Wakka halfheartedly shrugged as he ran, hoping the Agency clerk had a patch-kit he could use to fix all the baby-chocobo-claw punctures on his precious weapon.

Meanwhile…

"So you really rejected the high priest's daughter? Whoa…" Tidus trailed off, whistling.

"You got guts, Auron," Rikku agreed, impressed. This story was almost as good as the farce she had made up for Shelinda.

Auron nodded his head in acknowledgement, before realizing that no one could see him. The silence that ensued for the next few minutes was oddly comfortable.

"So, how soon you think they're going to let us out?" Tidus asked with a sigh. "I still can't believe Yuna did this…"

"Speaking of Yuna, I had an idea…" Rikku began, and the other two guardians could almost hear the evil grin she now sported.

Kimahri grunted as he and Wakka tried to wrestle his spear away from the baby chocobo… who knew they could be so strong?

Lulu cradled Pom-pom closer. She wasn't about to go through this again.

"So, I'm thinking that what Yuna really needs to do is train more at hand-to-hand combat techniques with her staff… I mean, normally people think, 'hey, angry summoner equals aeon on my ass'. But Seymour'd never see 60 inches of solid oak dowel comin' right at him!" Rikku finished, her arms shooting into the air in exuberance.

Auron nodded. "That's actually a sound idea, Rikku," he agreed.

"But…" Tidus gulped, "I thought we beat him for good this time?"

Rikku shook her head. "You think that, Tidus, if it gives you comfort…"

"Hm, I may add that to her training regimen…" Auron continued to himself, ignoring their interplay. "Rikku!"

"Yessir!" she saluted in the darkness.

"What about the others?" he asked, a smile forming.

"Oo!" she squealed, "Well…"

Tweety-Raven chirped in glee. It was so nice of them to play with him while his master was playing in the storeroom with the nice sugar lady and fluffy-headed chocobo wannabe! Tweety having fun!

"I bet Kimahri could help… but we need to work on him as well," Rikku finished, after they glossed over new fighting techniques for their other party members. Even Tidus had been distracted from his pouting long enough to add his ideas where he saw fit.

"Maybe Wakka could help him out?" Tidus pondered out loud. Both Rikku and Auron considered this.

"True, Kimahri could use more speed and strength…" Auron mused.

"…and he doesn't speak enough for Wakka's funky dialect to affect him…" Rikku continued his train of thought. They both chuckled.

"Ouch…" Tidus smiled. "Better not let him hear that. He might get angry with you…"

"Oh, what's he gonna do? Throw a blitzball at me?" Rikku asked sarcastically. Tidus snorted.

"How does that even work, anyhow? I mean sure, it can leave one heck of a bruise…" he laughed.

Auron smirked. "Lamest weapon ever," he added.

"Um, excuse me? Magic casting dolls?" Rikku reminded them, before they all three burst into laughter.

"Okay, got me there," Auron agreed.

The chocobo trainer watched, from the hill overlooking the Agency, as the sun began to set over the Calm Lands. Normally, this beautiful sight never failed to impress her, but this evening she was – oddly enough – distracted by the sight of that young summoner and her guardians chasing a little baby chocobo around and around. Hadn't she told that nice Al Bhed girl about his troublesome streak? That baby chocobo loved swiping things mysteriously too large for it and could run for hours, happily being chased like it was the best game ever…

Come to think of it, she had told the little guardian that. Because she distinctly remembered how unnerved she became when the girl merely smiled and uttered, "He's perfect," in that strangely satisfied tone.

It was near dark when the bedraggled, sweaty, achy, dirt-besmirched Summoner and her guardians trudged into the Travel Agency. The clerk took one look at the group and promptly shut the counter down for the evening so she could go laugh in her room in peace.

Of course, she got a nice picture of them with her memory sphere before fleeing.

Yuna and company shuffled down the hallway, stopping before the storeroom door. Pulling out the key, Yuna readied her staff, preparing herself to cast Curaga, Life, Esuna, and probably every Nul-Spell (and then some) as the door opened.

What none of them expected was to see Auron – and Rikku – and Tidus – all three – sitting in front of the door together, shoulder to shoulder, laughing hysterically at some story Rikku was trying to tell them.

Well, Rikku was sporting some rather interesting new scorch marks on her clothing, but none of them actually noticed that. You know, the whole buddy-buddy vibe was a bit distracting.

"Um…" Yuna trailed off as they looked up at her, blinking in the light. "Have you… er… learned your lesson?"

"Well, I don't know guys? Have we?" Rikku smirked, looking at the other two. Auron grinned – actually grinned! – at her. Even Kimahri's jaw dropped in shock.

"That remains to be seen," he replied, getting to his feet and dusting his coat off, before reaching down and giving Rikku a hand up. Tidus looked curiously at Yuna.

"Is that… a chocobo feather in your hair?" he asked, as Rikku linked her arms with him and Auron as they left the room. As if he had said the magic word, Tweety popped out of a nearby doorway, squealing tiredly at his master as he flapped to Auron's shoulder.

"Aw, hi Raventhurst!" Rikku gushed, as the bird cooed in response. Lulu flinched, clutching her muddy Moogle protectively.

"Tweety, did you have a busy day?" Auron asked, as the three – together! – made their way out of the room and towards the lobby, the others watching in shock and feeling crushed by tangible, impending doom.

Yuna gulped. She had a really bad feeling about this.

"Um, guys, I think dat was more disturbing than chasing da chocobo all afternoon," Wakka gulped, watching the three new best friends walking away from them. The Ronso grunted.

"Bad. Idea. Kimahri told you so…" he snarled, before walking down the hallway and locking himself in his room. The others looked at each other before scrambling to do the same.

End Notes: I would say that 'I hope to have the next chapter up next Sunday', but who knows what life will throw at me next. So let's just say, 'sometime soon' and be done with it.

Next Chapter: The group finally leaves the Calm Lands! And Yuna and the others regret the 'team unity' they have spawned. Like no one saw that coming.