Chapter 18

At dinner, Colin felt like he was pulling teeth trying to get Rory and Finn to talk. Both gave only monosyllabic answers to his questions and avoided eye contact with impressive determination.

"Well, you two are absolutely killing my mood. What exactly is the problem?"

Rory shrugged. "Jet lag."

Finn opened his mouth but had no excuse like hers. He stalled by sipping his glass of beer and the supplied, "My hand hurts."

Colin set down his fork and studied both of them. Usually they were right on each other's heels, completing each other's sentences and laughing at private jokes. Now, they were acting like complete strangers. Only worse, because if Rory were a stranger, Finn would have already gotten her number.

"Well, I'll be relieved to get back home soon."

Rory muttered, "Me, too. I should be studying for finals right now."

"We have finals so soon?" Finn asked innocently.

She frowned at him and nodded once.

And then the liveliest part of the conversation ended, and the three finished their meals in silence.

"Good news," Logan announced when the trio entered his room that evening. "I get to go home tomorrow, provided I pass one last round of examinations."

"That's great news," Rory replied. She hoped she sounded genuine instead of letting him know that her primary reason for excitement was being able to get back to her life. She'd had a rough enough semester without totally abandoning her finals study week ritual. She had a system, and the system worked for her.

"Plus, my father relinquished the jet. He's gotta stay in London a few more days, so it's no inconvenience to let us borrow it. We can leave by tomorrow afternoon."

"Finally," Colin huffed. "I never thought I'd say this, but I can't wait to go home."

"He's had a rough trip," Finn told Logan mockingly.

"He's had a rough trip," Logan repeated with a laugh.

The door opened. A nurse stuck her head in and said, "Just a few more minutes. He needs to get some sleep."

Logan reached for Rory's hand as they reluctantly moved to leave. "Hold on a minute." Once the guys were gone, he let her hand go and watched her.

Rory blushed under his trained gaze, self-consciously tucking her hair behind her ear.

"Relax, Ace," he urged. "You've been a little tense around me lately, even before this week. I know this probably isn't the best time to talk, but maybe a change of location can make this easier than talking at home. I don't know... Is there anything you wish we could talk about?"

Rory looked down and fidgeted with her hands. Did he know? Of course he didn't know. He'd just told her loved her.

"I just feel like things have been different ever since we slept together. I knew I should have told you I loved you then. I almost did, but I thought it would seem rushed. I really don't know how all this relationship stuff works. I'm sorry about that. But I hope you can see that I've been trying to get it right."

"You've been great," she told him. "Really."

"Okay. Then, what's been going on with you? I feel like you started to change. You got... quieter around me and didn't want to come out as much anymore. Was it because we had sex?"

"No," she said. She started to feel like the room was getting smaller. She had to tell him the truth. She knew she did. But she still had to fly home with him and Finn together in the same plane. There was no telling what the truth might do to him, and he at least needed to get back to Connecticut.

"What is it, then? You can tell me."

She glanced longingly at the door. Where was that nurse when she needed her? "Logan, I... can't really explain right now."

"Just tell me what to do. If it's something I'm doing wrong, I'll fix it if I can. Honestly, Ace, I'm begging here. This isn't normal for me. You have to realize I'm serious about this, right?"

"Yeah, I see that. It's nothing you've done." This was torture for her. The more he tried to take their problems on his own shoulders, the sicker she felt. She had to at least make him see that he wasn't to blame. She owed him that much. "You've been a perfect gentleman," she insisted. "You wanted to wait to make things right. You've been so thoughtful about me. You've really exceeded my expectations."

"But..."

"No. No 'but'. That's all there is to it. You're terrific. I'm the one being strange. It's not because of you. I just get a little... freaked out sometimes. I guess I was feeling confused. Not confused, like I didn't want this. Just plain confused, like things are happening, and I don't always feel like I'm all the way caught up..."

"We're moving too fast?" Logan asked.

"No. It's just that... I'm..."

"Confused."

"Yes."

Logan sighed. "Okay. So am I."

"I'm sorry. Can we talk about this when we get home? You need your rest, and I'm feeling sort of frazzled myself. I promise, we will talk about it, okay?"

He waited. Her eyes pleaded with him to let it go for now, so he reluctantly agreed.

"We have to tell him," Rory hissed at Finn later that night.

Colin and Finn got a separate room at the hotel at Finn's suggestion, so they had all gone up to hang out there before parting to go to sleep. Colin was taking a shower, and Rory seized the opportunity to talk to Finn.

"Tell who what?"

"Logan. That we kissed. He cornered me tonight, asking why I've been different. I had to promise to explain when we get home. We have to come clean."

"Do we really have to tell him?"

"Yes! Finn!" She slugged his shoulder.

"Okay, okay," he relented, holding his hands up in surrender. "How?"

"I don't know. How about, 'Hey, Logan, don't hate us, but we sort of made out and didn't tell you for a week... because you were in the hospital... unconscious...'"

"Well, that sounds perfect, Doll," Finn said with a forced smile. "Let me know when you plan to tell him so I can prepare to fend off an onslaught of punches."

"I don't think you'll have to worry about a physical fight any time soon."

"Trust me. That would be better," he told her seriously.

"Anyway, what would you say to him?"

Finn thought for a moment, his fingertips pressed together. "I'd say... 'Logan, you're my best friend...'"

"Is that it?" Rory balked.

Finn shrugged. "I don't know. Telling him will only hurt him. Neither of us wants to do that, and he surely doesn't want us to hurt him either."

Rory suddenly remembered kissing Tristan in high school and then fretting about telling Dean. Lorelai had given her similar advice. She'd said that Dean didn't need to know, that telling him would only relieve her guilty conscience but hurt him a lot. Of course, when she'd kissed Tristan, she and Dean had been broken up. That wasn't the case now. She had cheated on Logan with his best friend while he was overhauling his entire reputation to be faithful to her.

"You can be a part of it or not, it's up to you. But I do have to tell him."

Finn sighed. "All right. I'll be there. I just hope you realize that apologies don't wipe away transgressions. You put this out there, and it changes things."

"I realize that."

After his last examination, Logan was cleared to be released from the hospital. He was transported in a wheelchair ahead of the group, which lagged behind. Rory and Finn were guilt-ridden, and Colin was hungover from invading the mini bar.

They settled into the jet. Rory took a seat at the very back, and Logan watched her turn to sleep against the window, wishing he could read her mind. Finn took a seat midway back. Colin, on the other hand, say right next to Logan so he'd have someone to complain to about his headache. That lasted the first half hour, and then everyone drifted to sleep.

Rory took Logan back to his place, helping him with his luggage and pushing his wheelchair. He was drowsy and in some pain from sitting upright for so long. She struggled to get him into his bed, apologizing profusely for hurting him and for not being stronger. He insisted half-heartedly that he felt fine.

When she got everything settled, he grabbed her hand, and she prayed he wouldn't want to talk now.

"Ace, would you stay?" he murmured sleepily. He sounded like a child, a hint of vulnerability in his tone. "Stay and sleep next to me."

She shook her head. "I might roll over and hurt you."

"You won't hurt me. Please, Rory?"

She couldn't say no. But all she could think about was how this was just one more instance that he'd later believe was a lie, once he knew. He'd remember that she slept next to him while keeping her shameful secret. She had no choice, though. She couldn't tell him the truth yet.

She nodded silently and crawled in next to him. They both lay on their backs in silence, and she burned with shame as she considered how similar this was the previous day when she'd shared her bed with Finn. She could barely breathe and didn't move a muscle until Logan's breaths grew shallower with sleep. Once she was sure he was out, she got up and sat at his desk. She found the mouse to his computer and brought up the Internet browser. Soon, she was reading the online notes she'd missed from her final days of class. She'd gotten back just in time for dead days, which meant she's skipped reviews for all her finals.

Her cell phone started ringing, and she scrambled to retrieve it from her bag before it woke up Logan. She slipped out into the hallway.

"How's your boyfriend?" Lorelai wanted to know as soon as greetings were exchanged. Rory had filled her in on her impulsive flight to Logan's bedside and texted her to her know when they returned, but she hadn't gotten the change to confess any of her burning secret thoughts over the past few days. She was relieve for the outlet and also nervous about actually saying the things she was so careful to keep guarded.

"Logan's... okay. He's sleeping right now." She paused and wondered if she wanted to spill everything right now over the phone.

"You don't sound very relieved. What's wrong?"

"Everything." She instantly regretted uttering the word. She could feel everything start to church inside her, gaining strength for a complete breakdown. She suggested meeting for coffee so she could get herself together. Then she snuck back inside Logan's place and left him a brief note to tell him something had come up with her mom, she had to go, and she'd call him later.

She took her baggage back to her dorm and changed into fresh clothes. While there, she called Colin to ask him to check on Logan if she hadn't called him a in a couple of hours. She was one button away from calling Finn several times, but she knew she'd be in a clearer space after a good talk with her mom, so she waited. Finally, she left to meet Lorelai.

Her mother fidgeted the whole time Rory recounted the entire situation with kissing Finn, Logan saying he loved her, her not saying it back, and how to proceed from there all the while managing to pass her finals. "I'll just be so glad when I can come home and relax with just you, far away from all the drama."

"Well," Lorelai said with a cautious smile. "Funny you should say that."

"How's that funny?" Rory replied in a skeptical tone.

Lorelai clasped her hands together on the table top and smiled at Rory, waiting to begin talking as she judged her daughter's pending reaction from her current facial expression and body language. "You know Luke..."

"Skywalker?"

Lorelia frowned.

"Ooo, Luke. Yeah." Rory smiled a little.

"Well, Honey, Luke and I..."

"You're engaged!" Rory cut in quickly.

"Huh? No." She splayed out her ringless fingers for visual support.

"You're pregnant."

"No. No, I don't think so anyway."

Rory offered a puzzled expression. "You don't think—"

"Never mind. That's not what I'm trying to tell you."

Rory sighed melodramatically and rested her chin in her palm, leaning forward across the table patiently.

"He's..." She cringed and looked away nervously.

"Oh my God. Just say it. Luke's what?"

"He's moving in."

Rory sat back in her chair, a slow smile spreading across her face. "Oh. That's great, Mom."

"That's-great-I'm-100-percent-unfazed-and-strangely-okay-with-that, or that's-great-how-dare-you-not-consider-my-feelings-and-I'm-going-to-quietly-plot-my-revenge-on-you-for-ruining-my-life?"

Rory laughed. "The first, I guess."

"Really?" Lorelai asked hopefully.

"Yeah. You know I love Luke. I figured it was only a matter of time before he moved in or you two got married and even got a new house."

"And that doesn't freak you out?"

"No. As long as he's moving into your room and not mind. You guys weren't planning on being old-fashioned and sleeping in separate rooms on separate floors, were you?"

"Oh, that's a problem? I guess I'll have to tell him to get his fishing gear and flannel collection out of your closet before you come home."

"Funny."

"No, you're funny," Lorelai replied. Now that her news was out of the way, she was finally ready to help Rory. "Anyway, what are you going to do about Logan and Finn?"

She groaned. "I wish I knew."

"Well, first of all, you've got to tell Logan about the kiss. He has the right to know, and the longer you cop out because he's injured, the worse it's going to hurt him."

"I know," Rory said reluctantly.

"Do you think you love Logan?"

"I don't know."

"Do you think you love Finn?"

Rory thought for a moment and said, "I don't know..."

A bit surprised, Lorelai faltered. "Kid, you're in over your head. You don't know how you feel about Finn? Since when?"

"Since... I don't even know."

"There seems to be a lot you don't know. You and Logan have slept together, right?" Her tone was inching up towards lecture mode.

"Mom..."

"Rory, if you sleep with someone, you shouldn't possibly love someone else, let alone his best friend. Really, you should have some idea of how you feel about your boyfriend before you sleep with him. I told you that I thought things were moving a bit quickly with him. I walked in on you two making out at my parents' wedding do-over, and not long after that, you guys were jumping into bed. I thought after Dean..."

"What?" Rory demanded.

"Nothing. Forget it."

"No, what do you want to say?"

Lorelai hesitated, knowing that she should have kept her mouth shut. "I'm sorry. I don't want to fight."

"Just say it. You can say it now, or it can come out later when you just can't help yourself."

"Fine. I thought you'd slow down and think things through after you slept with Dean."

"So you think I'm a slut."

"No. Ror, I know you. I'm not questioning that you like Logan and you thought everything though at first. But it all got complicated, and if you were sure at the time, you certainly don't sound sure now, and I just hope you'll stop and figure everything out before it blows up in your face. If you love Logan, hopefully he'll look past the kiss. If not, then you won't be wasting his or your time."

"I know. But how do I know if I love him? I didn't even know I loved Jess when I did, until it was too late."

"My advice is to tell Logan about the kiss ASAP. From there, give him some space. Focus on finals. Take some time away from Finn, too. You'll get some time soon to figure it all out. But I don't think you're going to get your answer if you're spending time with both of them."

Rory decided to put Lorelai's advice into action immediately. She called Finn and informed him that she needed to tell Logan that day about the kiss and was giving him the option to be there or not. Despite his pleas to put it off at least another day, Rory insisted she'd tell Logan herself if she had to. He said he'd meet her a Logan's place ina half-hour. She'd hoped for sooner because she was desperate to get it over with, but she agreed to wait.

When Rory arrived at Logan's place, she raised her hand to knock but stopped abruptly at the sound of muffled voices. She pressed her ear to the door, straining to identify the speakers and discern their angry words. To her surprise, Logan was telling angrily at the other male even though she could hardly believe he had the lung capacity for it. The second person was speaking quietly and sounded less angry than adamant. After some time, she finally realized it was Finn.

She checked her watch to confirm that she was on time and found that she was actually five minutes early. She didn't need to hear Finn's end of the conversation to understand what he was doing. He was telling Logan that the kiss was his fault, that Rory hadn't initiated it or even wanted it to happen. He was coming clean about his feelings for her. He was trying to do what he could to let Logan know what happened while minimizing the amount of pain it would cause him and his relationship with Rory. He was taking the fall in the hope that it might keep them from breaking up, regardless of the consequences for himself.

Rory steeled herself to walk in there, tell the truth, and stop Finn from sacrificing his friendship with Logan, and she quickly opened the door. Finn was standing in the hallway outside of Logan's room, looking in. She froze. She wanted desperately to run and pretend she'd missed the whole thing, but she couldn't move. She stood in the common area, clinging to the door.

Finn had paused to say one last thing to Logan, who was still in bed where Rory had left him.

"I know it was an unpardonable transgression. But I don't have the same morals you've suddenly acquired because I'm not in love with her. I was just drunk, and when I kissed her, it meant nothing. I've made enough other mistakes in the past that you surely must realize this is merely a..." He paused, searching for a good word, then finished, "an aberration. Another one."

Logan refused to look at Finn. His Adam's apple bobbed and his jaw clenched tighter. He was waiting silently for him to leave.

"Anyway, I'll just disappear until you don't feel the need to hire a hitman or whatever you're imagining doing to me. Do yourself a favor and don't hold this against Rory. She's not to blame."

With that, Finn turned and stopped abruptly, facing Rory. He quickly ushered her out into the hallway and pulled the door closed behind his back to keep her from saying anything to refute what she'd overheard. Neither one spoke for a long time. They just stared, Finn surprised because he'd intended to be gone before she arrived, and Rory both in admiration of his sacrifice and in pain from the things he'd said. She wanted to believe he was exaggerating his lack of feelings for her and his careless fallibility as the best means of persuasion, but hearing him when he didn't know she was listening, when he hadn't told her ahead of time that he was just exaggerating, made her question whether or not he did actually feel that way. Why did she even trust him? He was a charmer and always had been since day one. Just because Logan had been more of the front-runner of the group, she'd questioned his trustworthiness so much more. But now she realized that Finn had the same reputation Logan had had. The difference was that Logan had been reversing that reputation by grand increments while, only a week before, Finn had been using what's-her-face and lying to her about his intentions just to get a rise out of Rory.

Finn cleared his throat and seemed about to explain but said nothing.

"What did you just do?" Rory demanded quietly.

He forced his face to give nothing of his heartache away as he tried to reason with himself – he knew the final step after that whole scene was to let her go, but he hadn't expected to see her so soon, and he hadn't even begun to figure out how he would manage to fall out of love with her.

"Was that true? It meant nothing?"

He couldn't look at her.

"You told him that you kissed me. What ever happened to our agreement that I take responsibility? Do you even realize that now I have to either go in there and try to convince him that you just lied to him to protect me – which makes this whole thing look way worse – or I have to continue lying to him, knowing that I'm hurting him and that I can't come clean?"

"He loves you," Finn stated. "It he thinks I kissed you, he'll be mad at me, but he'll get over it eventually. At least he doesn't feel betrayed by the only girl he's ever really loved. He doesn't deserve that pain. And I know you think you're fully responsible for that kiss, but you're wrong. I was pressuring you. I made you act on behalf of your friendship with me. I should have never put you in that position, and I should have never told you I liked you. I confused you. I made you falter from what was once a pretty strong conviction that you wanted to be with Logan. The right thing to do now is to minimize the damage and give you the opportunity to find out if you love him. And this time, I won't be in the way, and you can't overturn my decision. Whether you and Logan end up together for good, I'm out of the picture, effective immediately.

"What if Logan and I break up?"

"I'm his friend, and I'm loyal. If I ever want to gain back his trust, I have to respect his wishes, whatever they may be."

"So basically you're done with me. Just like that."

He still couldn't meet her eyes, but now he also couldn't trust his voice. He simply nodded.

"I didn't ask you to do this. I didn't want you to take the fall, Finn."

"It was the only way."

Rory felt betrayed. She hoped he'd at least show a little emotion about potentially writing her off forever. Instead, he was blank and cold. She waited, silently begging him to meet her eyes, but he never did. Finally, dejected and hurt, she muttered, "It wasn't the only way."

"You'll be fine," he said softly. "He really does love you. If you even think you might love him, too, then do yourself a favor and forget the kiss. Focus on him. I wasn't worth the distraction." He felt his heart betray him as his threat closed up and his face faltered, so he touched her shoulder quickly, kept his eyes averted, and abruptly walked away from her.

She watched him go, her breath catching painfully in her throat. He never glanced back despite her silent pleas. She waited until she was sure he was gone, and then she composed herself, opened the door, and entered Logan's dorm.

When Rory finally worked up the nerve to face Logan, she had to open his bedroom door and enter quickly to avoid running. She still didn't know what to say now that Finn had talked to him first.

"Where'd you go?" Logan asked. His voice was flat. He was leaning against the headboard as though he'd fall over without the support.

Rory crossed the floor halfway, stopping to stand uncertainly. The last thing she wanted to do was lie to him, but she was hoping to take a minute to feel him out before making up her mind how or even if she would undo everything Finn had told him.

"I had to go see my mom."

"She okay?"

Rory nodded. "Yeah. Um... Luke's moving in. She wanted to run it by me."

Logan looked away and kept his eyes focused directly ahead, trained to the far wall.

She shuffled closer and stood at his bedside. "Can I get you anything? Some water or something?"

He glanced at her briefly, then shook his head. "Tell me something." He couldn't look at her when he continued. "Did Finn kiss you?"

Rory stepped back. She held her breath and racked her brain for the best response. Was it better to be completely honest with him or to minimize his pain as Finn believed? She remained quiet for a long time, hoping he'd keep looking away.

"Is that why you've been acting weird?"

She swallowed.

"You could have told me, Ace." He looked up at her, and his face seemed almost apologetic. "I thought you were mad at me. I didn't know you felt uncomfortable around Finn. I never would have thrown you around him so much lately... God, I didn't think he'd ever- You probably knew I'd be mad at him, right? Is that why kept quiet? You didn't want us to fight?"

"No, it's a misunderstanding," Rory murmured. "Finn... He didn't kiss me."

"It's okay. He just told me everything. You don't need to cover for him."

"I know. I'm not covering for him. The kiss... It was a misunderstanding."

"How is that possible?"

Rory perched next to him, searching still for the right move.

"It didn't mean anything to him," she said quietly.

"Look, Ace. I love you. I mean, I've never been close to loving a girl, and Finn knew that. He knew how I feel about you. He knew. As far as I'm concerned, there's just no excuse to justify him kissing you. Any other friend or any other girl, and maybe I could get past it, but he just crossed the line this time."

"But he's your best friend."

"Exactly."

"Don't you think with a little bit of time to cool you'll let it go? Surely you're not going to just cut him off forever."

"Aren't you upset that kissed you?"

"No." She blushed and shook her head quickly. "I mean, I don't think it's worth throwing away a friendship over."

"Maybe you should explain to me exactly how this kiss happened," Logan said skeptically.

"Logan, trust me. It meant nothing. It was just... He was drunk."

Logan waved his hand in the air to cut her off. "I don't care, Rory. I can't trust him, and I don't trust him to be around you. As far as I'm concerned, he cut me off with that kiss, not the other way around. And if you really want to be with me, I hope you'll respect me here and stay away from him."

"Logan..."

"What? How can you think that's too harsh?"

She shook her head. "No. No, I understand." She looked down at her feet and fought back tears.

He reached for her hand and pulled her towards him. "Come back to bed."

She forced a smile and pulled her hand back. "I really need to study. I'm sorry."