"Liar's Dice"

I'm sure that we can all agree that we'd be surprised if we came home one day and found that our child/ sibling / parent was sitting in their room with a well-known pop icon. As was the case when Maggie's mother came home with a jug of milk in her hand.

At first, she didn't know exactly what was wrong per say, but the muddy footprints leading to Maggie's room did alert her to the fact that something was definitely up. Walking past a crestfallen Kazoo, she made her way up the stairs and opened the door.

"... And then, using rope that I made with the hair on my back," Jack Sparrow, everyone's favorite alcoholic, was saying, "I roped a couple o' sea-turtles and used 'em to get off the blasted island and back to Tortuga."

"Oh, Jack!" Maggie sighed, leaning into him and taking hold of his hand, "That's so heroic!"

Maggie's mother, whom we shall name Susan to save me from typing "Maggie's Mother" over and over again, dropped the milk. Upon hitting the floor, the jug tore down one side and a white river made its way across the hardwood floor.

"What in the name of god is going on here?" Susan cried.

Jack looked Susan up and down. Though she was a little over forty, she was almost as pretty as her stupid daughter. And, on the upside, she was intelligent. And the fact that Jack was drunk as a metaphorical skunk made her seem like a goddess.

"Well," he said, winking at her, "Allo, luv."

"Don't mind her, Jack!" Maggie cried, "She's my evil stepmother. She's Evil!"

"Is that so..." Jack grinned in that crooked way that he had and tipped his hat to Susan.

"I am in fact her birth mother and I am nothing of the sort." Susan sighed. Then, a thought struck her: her sixteen-year-old daughter was alone in her room with a sexy pirate. Evil or no, she had to put a stop to that. "Listen, why don't the two of you come into the kitchen and we'll... talk... I'm sure I have something with alchahol in it..."

Now, as we all know, Jack is not exactly what we'd call "University Educated". He's not good with long words and he rarely makes sense. But, if there's one word that Jack understands completely, and that word is ALCHOHOL. Thus, he stood, swaying slightly, and went for the door.

"Well, that sounds lovely... come along, Maggie, and we'll have some rum." He called over his shoulder.

"Yay! Rum!" Maggie screamed, running down to the kitchen so she could get a seat by Jack.

-

While the two... erm... ah... people... sat in the kitchen, waiting patiently for their rum, Susan grabbed Kazoo by his pointed purple ear and hauled him into the living room.

"Why in the name of god would you let her bring a pirate here?" she hissed.

"Well, uh..." Kazoo blinked, shrugging in an embarrassed way. "I can't exactly help it..."

"What am I going to do with a full-grown drunken pirate?" Susan asked.

"... EBay?" he suggested.

"I'm talking seriously. One rambling idiot is all I need in this house." Susan ran her hands through her hair. "I don't know what-"

"WE WANT RUM!" Maggie's loud scream came from the kitchen, "WE WANT RUM! WE WANT RUM! WE WANT RUM!"

She sighed. "I'll be back."

When Susan entered the Kitchen, she found Jack and Maggie sitting side by side, Jack running his hand over her white table-cloth and leaving smudges of brown.

Taking a breath, she said, "So, um... I don't have any rum, but I do have vodka..." Jack made a face, but she quickly added, "It's alchahol..."

"VODKA!" Now both Jack and Maggie chanted, "WE WANT VODKA!"

Sighing, Susan got out two glasses and her beverage mixer. She made Maggie's first, with Sprite instead of Vodka (Maggie was too stupid to know the difference) and using some blue-raspberry flavoring to make it sweet. She did the same for Jack, using Vodka, and then just poured a glass of Vodka plain for herself. Hey, for unwittingly bringing a holy terror like Maggie into the world and then putting up with her, she deserved it.

Jack stared into his cup. "What about the alchahol, mate?" He asked, his voice sullen as he stared into the blue mix.

"That is alchahol." Susan replied, downing half of her drink. "It has sweet things in it, too."

"SWEET THINGS!" Maggie shouted.

Jack shrugged, deciding that he could at least try it. That lead to a strange and unfortunate discovery: Jack Sparrow loves blue-raspberry martinis. In an instant, Jack drank the contents of his glass and then lunged for Maggie's drink.

"NO!" Maggie shrieked, inching away from him.

Susan sighed, going back for the vodka and martini mix. Dumping both into Jack's glass as he looked on with a greedy expression, she said, "Maggie, I can see that you're very attatched to this... uh... Jack..."

"I LOVE HIM!" Maggie shouted, cuddling up to said pirate.

"Hey, watch the ru- alchahol, mate." Jack muttered, downing the contents of his glass.

"Well, uh... we're going to have to, uh... get rid of him." Susan said.

"WHAT?" Maggie shreiked.

"We just can't keep a pirate around the house."

"I don't care! I wished for him, so I get to keep him!" Maggie cried. "I'm his bonny lass..."

Jack made an incorherant sound and reached for the vodka and blue mix. Susan just passed it to him, knowing that he's stay lucid so long as he was drunk.

"Well, you can just see his movie when you miss him..."

"NEVER!" Maggie huddled in closer with Jack. "HE'S MINE!"

Susan was about to argue when she thought of something. Something that could both shut up Maggie and get rid of Jack...

"Excuse me a second," she said, and then she left the room.

-

Kazoo was "magicing" the dirt from the carpet when Susan ran into the living room, cordless telephone in hand.

"Has she wished for anything yet?" Kazoo asked.

"No, not yet." Susan dialed a number. "But I think we'll be rid of the pirate in a moment... hello?" she spoke into the phone now, "Hello, Brooke? Is that you? Listen, I need a favor... can you come over for a second?" she paused. "Yes, that would be fine. Thanks."

Susan hung up and grinned.

"Who's Brooke?" Kazoo asked.

"She's someone who can handle Maggie when I can't." Susan sighed in relief. "She'll be here any moment..."

-

Five minutes later, the doorbell rang. Kazoo went to get it but was beaten by Susan, who practically sprinted there. When she opened the door, she greeted someone and a girl entered.

The girl was about twenty seven or so, with long auburn hair falling freely over her shoulders. She was about five foot eleven, on the thin side, with plain features and long limbs. Her twinkling green eyes where covered by black-framed glasses and she smiled shyly when she entered.

"Oh, thank you so much for coming." Susan sighed, ushering the girl in quickly. "Kazoo, this is Brooke. She baby-sat Maggie when she was younger, and now she's a kindergarten teacher. Brooke, this is Kazoo, the genie I told you about."

Brooke smiled. "Hi."

Something, it seemed to Kazoo, was terribly wrong with him, because he couldn't get a single word out. He just smiled like an idiot as Brooke was pulled into the living room.

"Alright, Brooke, here's the problem." Susan sighed, running her hands through her hair. "Maggie's found this... pirate... and she won't get rid of him. She'd have to wish him away, and I've made no headway convincing her... Kazoo can't do anything, and I don't think I can stand having two babbling idiots in the same house."

"Ah..." Brooke folded her long hand under her chin and thought. "That's a tricky one... who's the Pirate?"

"Jack Sparrow."

"Captain." Brooke corrected in spite of herself. "Alright, let's see... Captain Jack's enemies are Captain Barbossa... but there's very little chance that she'll wish for him... and then there's Davy Jones, but he can't go on land more than once every ten years. And if we simply wish him away, she'll wish him back. So... of course, Jack's first love his the Black Pearl, but there's little chance that she'd let him leave for it when she could always wish him up a replica..." turning to Kazoo, she asked, "Does she have an infatuation with pirates?"

Kazoo managed to snap himself into a somewhat more intelligent state. "Uh... yes..."

"Hmm... then, I would suggest a game of liar's dice." Brooke said, straightening up.

"What?" Susan asked.

"It's an old game, traced back to the Incas." she replied. "They play it in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. It's simple, really: each person has four or five dice and a cup. You throw your dice onto the table and then cover it with a cup before anyone can see. You glance over your dice and see what you have. Then you have to state what you have, like 'three threes'. You can lie and say that you have four threes when you only have three, but if you're called a liar and it's proven that you lied, you lose. If you're called a liar and it's proven that you didn't lie, you win."

"Ah... but how do I get her to play?"

"You don't. I do." Brooke stood and stretched. "I've been playing lairs dive for years. I can beat her. You just bring us our dice and cups."

And with that, Brooke went into the kitchen.

-

"Hi, Maggie." Brooke said, closing the door behind her and sitting close to the pirate and his "bonny lass". Jack paid her on heed and went on in his mission of finishing the vodka.

"What are you doing here?" Maggie asked.

"I'm here to play a game with you." Brooke said, smiling. "A pirate game."

"Pirates..." Jack mumbled.

"Oh, a pirate game?" Maggie asked, clapping her hands in excitement.

"Yes." Brooke said, interlacing her long fingers and looking over them at her soon-to-be victim. "It's called 'liars dice'."

"Oh, how do we play?"

Brooke explained the rules carefully, making sure not to rush her words or use anything too big. After all, there was no honor in the trickery of one's opponent.

As she did so, Kazoo inched into the room carrying two black cups and ten die. He set the cups on the table next to Brooke and stood... er... floated next to her. Susan followed soon after.

"So, do you think you can play that?" Brooke asked.

"Sure I can!" Maggie said excitedly.

"Then," Brooke said, "We should make it interesting. It's a betting game, after all. How about this: If I win, I get to make a wish with your genie here, whatever I want, and you have to let it come true. And you can't un-wish it or anything, alright?"

"What if I win?" Maggie asked.

"Then you get this." With that, Brooke pulled at a chain around her neck and a gold pirate medallion came into view. "Now, are you ready?"

"Yes." Maggie replied, her voice decisive.

"Good. Then we'll begin." Brooke turned towards Kazoo, lifting the dice and cups from the table. "Thank you, Kazoo. Wish me luck."

"Good luck..." Kazoo mumbled.

Both girls rolled their dice. Brooke snatched them up in her cup with expert precision and stole a quick glance. "Two threes."

"YAHTZEE!" Maggie shouted.

"Oh, dear god..." Susan moaned, burying her face in her hands. "I can't watch this."

Brooke re-explained the rules to Maggie and the game began again. This time, Maggie caught on and it went smoothly.

Kazoo was sweating... or, at least, he would have been if he could. But Brooke knew what she was doing, and eventually the die where cast for the last time.

"Four twos." Brooke said.

"Three ones!" Maggie shouted.

There was a tense moment as Brooke studied Maggie's face. Then, she said, "Liar."

"I AM NOT!" Maggie shouted.

"Then let me see your dice." Brooke replied simply.

"... No..." Maggie simpered.

"Let me see."

"No."

"Maggie," Brooke leaned in, "Pirates never go back on their word. It's sacred, like the very ship they sail on. And cheating, instead of showing me your dice to prove me wrong or right, is breaking your word. Right, Jack?"

"Parlay..." Jack muttered to himself.

Maggie's eyes traveled from her mother, to Brooke, to Kazoo, to Jack, and then back to Brooke. "Fine." she pulled the cup away, revealing a one, a two, a three, a four, and a five. “You win."

"Good." Brooke smiled. "Then I get a wish that you can't turn around on me." Turning to Kazoo, she said, "I wish that Captain Jack Sparrow was back on the Black Pearl so he can never come back here."

"The Pearl..." Jack murmured happily, as both he and Susan's vodka where blinked out of existence.

"NO!" Maggie shouted, reaching for the spot where the filthy pirate had been only moments earlier. "JACK!"

"And that," Brooke said, leaning back in her chair with a self-satisfied grin, "Is how to play liars dice."

-

Alright, I'm not sure if those are the rules that Davy and his crew adhere to, but those are the rules I found on the internet.

Hurrah, Jack is back on the Pearl! And I do believe that a certian genie has a crush on Brooke... perhaps the two of them should go out one day, hmmm? Poor Kazoo, he needs a date without a crazy like Maggie around. It would be a good break for him.

And thanks for all four of your reviews. Don't I feel special!

Remember, every time you don't review, god kills a pirate. So please... (Jack Sparrow is pushed in) think of the pirates!