AN:

I've been thinking about rewriting this story...so heres a preview of what it may be like now. There will most likely be snippets all throughout from Kagome's diary and such. But seriously, let me know what your opinion is. Should I keep going with how it is? Or start over? Feedback is GREATLY appreciated.

Well...it seems my life has come full circle, eh? I never, in my wildest dreams, thought I would ever keep a diary again. I never saw the point, it was simply writing down things that bothered me. All of my entries were the same mindless chatter, the same boring subjects. To read back through them made me realize my own stupidity in most instances. So why then, after nearly eight years, have I decided to once again keep a diary of sorts?

My heart needs a place to empty its pain and woes.

Oh my diary, although I no longer write in ink, instead choosing to use the keys of my computer to save my already shaky hands, I pour my soul into you with every character. I feel heavy, burdened with all these thoughts and memories that make me so sad and yet so undescribably happy at the same time. I'm a walking contradiction, eh? Oh no don't get me wrong, being a walking contradiction is fine enough. Most people are. The fact of the matter is that I'm a stupid contradiction. A fool. But you're probably very lost aren't you my diary? You have no idea what I'm talking about do you? The last time I made an entry in any diary was long before I had my computer, long before I knew just how harsh reality was, and long before I laid eyes on Him. Yes, this woe and pain and burden in my heart is because of a boy. Well, now a man. It's amazing to think, it's been six years since the day I saw him walking up that street, a complete stranger and, as far as I'd been able to tell, weirdo.

If only I'd known what he'd come to mean to me later on, I would've never even spoke to him. For when the first words were exchanged between us, my heart was doomed.

"Kags! Kags take off your headphones already!" Kagome Higurashi sighed dejectedly, pushing the pause button on her CD player before sitting up in the bus seat, adjusting her baggy grey hoodie to better cover the revealing shirt she'd for some reason worn that day. Honestly, what had she'd been thinking? It was freezing outside! On top of that, there was that weirdo that showed up at the bus stop too! Kagome frowned at that thought, glancing past her friend to see said "weirdo" gazing at her with a bored expression, looking so out of it that she had to bet he was on something.

'Probably something illegal knowing people in this county.'

"Kags! Jeeze, how many times do I have to tell you not to turn on your music so loud?! You'll blow out your eardrums before you even get into Jazz Choir!" Kagome stuck out her tongue childishly, pointedly ignoring the boy sharing the seat with her friend. Her friend, a short spit-fire with the darkest skin she'd seen in their area, was truly a weirdo in her own right. Her outfits were always so colorful, rarely matching, and she had to have been the wildest child of them all. Aika Jefferson, one of Kagome's closest friends since the ending of her seventh grade year.

"Will not! Besides, it wasn't anything too heavy this morning. Just some Enya and Eminem to get me loosened up before I have to deal with that hag they call a mathmatics teacher." Aika rolled her eyes with a snort as Kagome adjusted herself so that her bookbag was behind her in the seat and she sat with her legs in the isle, pale skin covered by olive colored cargo pants that hung loose about her skinny legs.

"Tell me about it. She sent me out the other day for sneezing!" Kagome smiled, not noticing how the boy behind Aika shifted and sat up a little higher as she did so.

"Aika, the world and I agree that your sneeze is something worthy of being sent out for when you don't cover it up." Aika frowned at her and stuck out her tongue as well as she crossed her arms and sinking back into the seat, giving Kagome a better view of the "new kid".

He really was a strange one. His silver, almost white, hair was chopped short and spiked and she wanted to frown at much it seemed to not suit him. He had a strong jaw, and he looked a tad younger than the age he'd given to Aika during her excited questioning upon his arrival at the bus stop. He wore clothes that looked extremely out of place in their area, clothes befitting of a "gangster". Sure, there were the boys at school that tried to look like the rappers on TV, but this guy had it down to an art and it made her question where exactly he'd come from.

'Personally, the guy seems like a rocker at heart but meh, people still think I'm a 'pop princess' so whatever.' Suddenly she noticed something that really caught her attention and she knew her eyes widened.

His eyes were captivating. She'd never seen anything like them, that much she was sure of. His eyes, half-lidded and looking as though they'd droop shut at any moment, were gold. They were so gold, so bright, that she thought they resembled a dying sunset. Even beneath his thick, black eyelashes, she could see them practically glowing. But when his eyes opened as far as they had all day so far and they locked gazes, Kagome frowned at herself and pointedly looked away from him and at Aika, who was still grumbling as she slouched and pouted in her seat. But Kagome could still feel his eyes, those strange, captivating golden eyes, burning paths across her skin.

She didn't like it at all, and therefore didn't like him as well.

"Well, before you so rudely insulted me, I was trying to introduce you to someone." Kagome giggled at Aika's dejected tone, finding it sounding just like a child who hadn't had her way. Which, in some ways, she guessed Aika still was a child. Again, she didn't notice the still unnamed boy behind Aika straighten himself up.

"Aika, you know I don't play well with others. But alright, if you want to, introduce me to your new friend!" She threw up her arms, making her antics all the more dramatic as Aika finally gave in and giggled at the older girl's goofy nature.

"Well okay! If you insist!" Aika bounced up so that she was sitting on the edge of the seat, her more than plentiful chest bouncing enough to catch the eye of one of the older boys on the bus. Aika may have been small in stature, but she made up for it in her actual figure. "Kagome, let me introduce you to my new friend, Sesshoumaru!"

Kagome blinked in shock, startled at the strange name. Who on Earth would name their kid "The Killing Perfection"?

"Sesshoumaru, meet the coolest chick at our school..."

"Am not!"

"Kagome! Oh, and don't worry! She doesn't bite...often." Kagome snorted, rolling her eyes as she turned and sat in her seat the correct way again, slouching back and resting her knees against the back of the seat in front of her as Aika giggled madly behind her.

"It's not funny Aika! Quit making me out to be something I'm not!" Aika laughed more, noticing vaguely that Sesshoumaru as now fully sitting up and leaning against the back of the seat in front of him, his arms crossed on the top while he rested his head on top of his arms.

"I'm not doing that! You're the bomb Kags!" Kagome snorted and reached for the ripped and barely together notebook under her CD player.

"Yeah right, and my dad isn't a bastard." Aika rolled her eyes.

"Well, you're dad has an icicle termanally lodged up his sorry ass. But I don't see how that..."

"Maybe...you're friend Kagome just has self-esteem issues." Aika jumped slightly upon hearing a deep voice next to her, though slurred slightly from the drugs in his system. Kagome, unknown to Aika, stiffened where she sat, the deep voice of the new comer sending odd chills across her pale skin.

'Get a grip Kagome. His voice was just unexpected that's all. Yeah, he's not supposed to have a voice that deep and...'

"I can see why too. She's not exactly the greatest looking of the litter is she?"

'...and I'm going to fucking rip his guts from his abdomen and feed them to him!' But as she turned around in her seat with her notebook falling off onto the seat, a feral growl burning in her throat, Kagome felt her ire recede to mere irritation when she saw him smirking smugly as he held himself up on the seat.

He was baiting her!

'That smug, arrogant, son of a...'

"Kagome! Turn around in your seat already! You know what I'm like when I haven't had my coffee!" Kagome made a noise something akin to a small yelp as she jumped and turned around in her seat, seeing the bus driver glaring at her in her rear-view mirror.

"Sorry Barbra! I was just getting aquainted with the new guy!"

"Well while that's nice and all Kagome, you're distracting me!" Kagome laughed nervously and waved at the bus driver in embarrassment as most of the kids on the bus turned and looked at her.

Oh how she hated it when that many people looked at her! It was like being the main exhibit at a zoo or something! She hated it when one person stared at her, let alone many. She never really knew why, but she did. It made her feel even more self-concious than she already was on her own. Yeah, maybe the jerk was right; maybe she did have self-esteem issues. But despite that, it was rather rude of him to point it out to her like that.

With a huff, Kagome sunk back down into her seat, hearing Aika giggling and conversing with the new guy, now known as Sesshoumaru. She snorted as she heard him speak, finding his presence alone aggravating even as she yanked on her headphones and cranked her CD player before opening her notebook and continuing her writing. As the sounds of Enya's "Exile" soothed her nerves once more, Kagome felt a strange sense of foreboding but shook it off thinking it was only because she had once again failed to finish her Math homework.

I was a fool. A little fool, my diary. That sense of foreboding had seemed so innocent, so typical. I had no idea that something, someone was trying to warn me. I realize now, years after that day, that I should've headed that warning as I felt that boy's eyes burning paths across what of me was visible from his vantage point.

Sesshoumaru, how odd I'd thought that name to be. Honestly, what parent in their right mind would name their child something so...morbid? I know now that the name holds some significance, though I know his parents could not have possibly predicted such a thing in their child's personality. Oh, and what a twisted personality! I knew that from the beginning. I knew he was twisted, I knew he was different, and I knew that to get anywhere near him would be like a child sticking her hand into the fire with wide, innocent eyes and a giggle dying on her lips as the burning of the flames first touched her skin.

Huh, it seems I'm rather poetic tonight. Don't you think so diary?

Lovely, now I'm asking an inanimate object questions. I've lost my mind over the years, slowly and surely, but it's gone. I blame him most of all. Sesshoumaru, that boy who staggered into my life smelling of drugs and overbearing cologne. From the very beginning, he liked to make me angry. I later found out he found it amusing, and even later still, I found he thought I was pretty when I was angry. Meh, what a laugh.

The afternoon bus ride was as it always had been; noisy, crowded, and overwhelming. It was times like this, trapped in a confined space with so many people who knew nothing about her, that Kagome fought the urge to simply curl in upon herself in a little ball to try and hide. But she'd never done that, and she certainly wouldn't do it now considering who was currently sitting next to her.

"Oi Sesshoumaru!"

"What?!" Kagome nearly jumped when his loud voice echoed over the rest of the kids from beside her as he and another boy exchanged insults as was reutine between the two of them in the afternoons. Rolling her eyes, she let her fingers wander to the volume control on her CD player as she focused on the blurry landscape flying past them as they travelled down the bumpy, in-desperate-need-of-repair-road. Honestly, why couldn't the idiot just move? There were seats open for once, and there had been when he'd got on the bus in the first place. But no, just to irritate her once again, Sesshoumaru had decided to sit next to her.

'Great. Just a lovely ending to a lovely day.' Already that day, she'd woken up late and pulled on mismatched shoes, gotten kicked out of Math for falling asleep, and narrowly escaped a fight with a girl she'd tried her hardest to ignore for most of the year even though they shared several classes together. Now, he just had to make her irritated even more. Great. Beautiful.

"Hey."

'Fuck.' Kagome blinked, not reacting any other way as she pointedly stared out the window despite the glare that was making her eyes sting.

"Hello?"

'Just go away already.'

"Hey, I'm talking to you!" Kagome finally snorted, not bothering to move at all when she replied.

"Just because you're talking to me doesn't mean I'll listen." She thought she heard him chuckled lightly, but the noise of the bus swallowed it before she could try to interpret it. It was then that she realized her music was no longer playing and she growled as she looked down at the silver CD player in her lap, seeing that it was entirely turned off even though she hadn't pushed a single button.

'Great, of all times for the batteries in this piece of shit to die...'

"And why not? I won't bite, you know." Kagome growled as she ripped the headphones from her ears and stuffed the CD player in her bag, still refusing to look at him even though he was leaning towards her in the small seat.

"For one, you're annoying. Two, I've had a bad day and I don't feel like dealing with any shit from you. Got it? Now save your breath and quit talking to me." He chuckled and this time she heard it because he'd somehow gotten closer to her.

It had been two weeks since Sesshoumaru had come walking up the hill to the bus stop, and he was still just as irritating now as he'd been that day, if not more. He still smelt of drugs and heavy cologne whenever she was around him, like now. His hair was already longer, which had shocked her slightly when she'd first realized it, and strangely enough, she found the thought of him with longer hair...nice.

But he was still irritating, and he was still a pain in the ass.

"Hmph. Seems you're quite the little spit-fire. What's your name again?" She bit back a growl. Every time he talked to her, he asked her that.

"My name is irrelevant."

"Oh? And why is that?" At this, she smirked just a tiny bit.

"Because I don't give my name to those who aren't deserving." He seemed slightly irritated with her at the comment, how she knew this she didn't exactly know. It was strange, but she'd never really talked to him face to face. Instead, she always pointedly focused on something else. She guessed she'd done it so much that now, after two weeks of it, she could tell somehow when he was irritated or merely baiting her.

"Oi Aika!"

"What?!" Kagome jumped at the loud shout this time, seeing her friend a few seats in front of them as she did so.

"What's your little friend's name again?" Kagome took only a split second to get angry about being called "little" before she was making gagging motions at Aika, trying with all she was worth to prevent her from disclosing the name. But unfortunately for Kagome, it seemed Aika had been hanging out with her "stoner" friends that day because she could barely focus on Sesshoumaru, let alone notice Kagome frantically trying to get her attention at his side.

"You mean Kagome?! Yeah, Kagome! Kagome's the shit!" Aika let out a cheer before turning back to the girls she'd previously been chatting with. Kagome growled at the back of her dark haired head, wishing she could make her friend's frizzy locks erupt into fire with just her mind.

"So Kagome, where were we?" Kagome snorted and sat back against the seat in a slouch again, still ignoring him as best as she could.

"Well, you were being you're annoying self and I was ignoring you."

"Ah right! We were there!" Kagome rolled her eyes at him, still liking how close he was to her. Honestly, he'd smell really, really good if his cologne wasn't trying to cover the smell of the drugs in his pocket and failing. "Well then, what's made your day so shitty?"

"You for one."

"Me? Why, too busy day dreaming about me to get any work done?" She snorted as he leaned back and scooted nearer to her, watching her face as intently as someone under the influence could.

"Hardly. Has anyone ever told you you're really insufferable?" Sesshoumaru smirked.

"Yes, and annoying as you've said several times already."

"Well then do me and everyone else a favor and stop being annoying by shutting the hell up." Sesshoumaru chuckled.

"Why the hostility Kagome? I'm just trying to be friends." Kagome snorted and decided not to say what had come to her mind as soon as he'd finished that statement.

'Yeah, just trying to get into my pants is what he meant to say.'

"I don't want to be friends. I have enough thanks."

"I doubt that. I see you walking around by yourself. You're a little loner, aren't you?" She turned to him finally, her eyes locking his his before she practically yelled at him.

"I'm not a loner! I'm just..." Her momentary ire seemed to die though and she sank back into her spot, not bothering to finish her statement.

"Just what?" Now he seemed genuinly interested, which surprised her enough to make her want to answer him.

"I'm just sick of people. That's all." He leaned closer to her then and she fought the urge to squirm.

"And why is that?" Kagome frowned, not at all liking his tone.

"Because people are stupid. All they do is fight, spread rumors, and worry about shit that no one needs to worry about. It's all so pointless."

"Pointless? Are you saying life is pointless?" Kagome shook her head slightly.

"No. Society is pointless. Having a large group of people you call your friends is pointless because more often than not, those who you call your friends are actually spreading rumors behind your back and stealing your boyfriend."

"So basically...you got screwed over and now you're a loner." She growled, her sudden calm in his presence gone. How thick headed could someone be?! Honestly!

"I'm not a loner! Now will you just leave me alone!" She turned to him as she spoke, and she felt trapped when she finished. Sesshoumaru was smirking at her, his golden eyes alight with mirth and something else she didn't want to think about, and was barely a breath away from her face. But suddenly, he simply let out a soft laugh that was little more than an exhale and turned around before starting a conversation with the red headed boy across from them.

Kagome was pissed.

She wanted to scream and throw things at the back of his silver head. But instead, trying to be more mature than she felt, Kagome let out a long sigh and sank back into the bus seat, her eyes glaring out the window once again as they drove past the lake, the water's surface looking like a perfectly cleaned mirror on the chilly March afternoon.

Diary...I wanted to kill him. Every time we spoke, I wanted to murder him just so he'd leave me alone and stop making me feel like a child when he baited me into those arguments. I've always had a temper, something my mother's tried to "cure" me of for years. But every year it grows, more dangerous and, dare I say it, feral. Although, on a good note, my temper can only be triggered by certain people and certain things now. But...Sesshoumaru triggered my temper as soon as he opened his mouth.

It went on like that for awhile. He'd always make it his goal to sit next to me on the bus before anyone else did. But even if someone else sat with me, he'd bait them into moving or simply threaten them. For while Sesshoumaru wasn't the largest guy muscle wise, he had plenty of it. Alot of the girls on the bus used to whisper and giggle about how he was solid muscle.

It used to make me gag.

But then came the day when I did the wrong thing. I never, ever should have done this. For if I hadn't, I would have saved myself alot of grief my diary.

"Hey Kagome?" She didn't move, but continued staring out the window as she grunted her reply.

"Hmm?"

"Do you have an e-mail?" Kagome blinked and looked over at Sesshoumaru, who was once again staring at her with those golden eyes. The only difference, which she now suddenly noticed, was that they weren't fuzzy from the influence of drugs in his system. He was sober, and dressed in clothes more suiting to him rather than the usual "gangster" clothes he wore. His hair was also much longer, and it suited him more and more each day. It was odd, but it was almost as if he knew what she thought of his appearance. But that was impossible unless...

'Aika...' As if on cue, Aika's resounding cackle of a laugh was let loose on the bus and Sesshoumaru quirked an eyebrow before looking forward to where Aika was.

"Well, it seems like she's having fun." He looked back at her and Kagome felt something flutter in her stomach. Eyes that were so beautiful even when hazy and half-lidded, were absolutely stunning when clear. His gaze was something she'd never really seen before. It was unyielding, fierce, and it made her feel like he was gazing right into the deepest, darkest parts of her soul.

"Yeah...I guess." She shifted so she was maybe half an inch more away from him and looked out the window once more. But she fought the urge to groan when he simply scooted as close to her as possible in the tiny bus seat.

She didn't smell drugs on him today, only his cologne and the natural scent that was all him. She nearly growled when she felt the urge to close her eyes and take in the scent. Honestly, she barely knew the guy! What was she thinking?!

"You never answered my question by the way." He sounded intelligent now that he was sober, and she found she rather liked hearing him sound intelligent. With his voice and the intelligence he was beginning to show now that he was sober, he could do alot of things later on in life.

"Who said I was going to?" Sesshoumaru made a face, but she didn't look at him to see it. But again, she could somehow tell he was irritated with her.

"Are you always this stubborn? Or am I just special?" Kagome rolled her eyes.

"If you haven't realized my stubborness before now then you're just plain slow. And there's no way I'd say you're just special cause it'd just make that ego of yours even more inflated." Again, he made a face and he became more irritated.

"Jeeze, who's got your panties in a knot? All I've been trying to do is get to know you a little better and you keep biting my head off." Kagome felt a twinge of guilt at his tone, but shook it off. A guy like him was not to be trusted in any way. But something nagged her and she sighed as she sank lower in the seat.

"Yes, I have an e-mail." Sesshoumaru seemed truly shocked that she actually gave him a straight answer.

"See? That wasn't so hard. Now is too much to ask that I have that e-mail?" Kagome shrugged.

"Depends on what I'm getting myself into." She glanced at him to see him quirking an eyebrow and smirking in a way that sent a little tingle down her spine.

"Just give me the e-mail and I'll give you mine." Kagome pushed down the nagging voice in her mind as she reached into her bookbag and removed a red permanant marker and an old homework assignment. As she wrote over the penciled mathwork, she glanced over to see Sesshoumaru pulling a pen out of his pocket as one of the other boys on the bus gave him a ripped piece of lined paper. They exchanged the e-mails and Kagome heard him chuckle as she looked at him to find him giving her a smile.

"Kagome, I don't think you're just a 'lil devil'. More like a royal pain in the ass." Usually she would have snapped back a comeback at that one, but something possessed her in that moment and she smiled, making his eyes widen. She rarely smiled more than a small smirk when she wasn't laughing and he'd never, ever seen anything like it turn his way.

It was stunning.

"Well, right back at you Sesshoumaru." They both shared a small laugh and for the rest of the bus ride, the world ceased to exist. They chatted like two normal people, exchanging likes and dislikes when it came to music at first before gradually telling different stories about their seperate friends. Even when they'd gotten off the bus, they sat and talked at the bus stop for some time before Kagome realized just how late it was getting.

So, with lighthearted goodbyes, they went their opposite directions. Neither of them knew what lay before them.

Diary, for a week we talked online late into the night. My mother and father would yell at me, but I didn't care. I felt like I was under a spell. I did and said things I normally never would. Sesshoumaru was sober for that week, and I found that the more he spoke, the more I became addicted to the way he talked. I became addicted to our play fights we began having on the bus. I'd start it ninety percent of the time, flick his leg repeatedly until he got so annoyed that he would retaliate with tickling me since Aika had let my worst weakness slip from her lips. I became addicted to the verbal spars we had, in person or on the net. I became addicted to the smell of him, and was usually overjoyed to find it on my clothing after I'd gotten off the bus.

But on the Friday of that week, I was thrown into a whirlwind for the next four years and all because he asked me a single question.

Kagome blew a lone strand of hair away from her eyes, it having escaped from her messy bun as she sat in her tiny desk chair, curled up in an awkward posistion with the keyboard on her knees. She wore her typical pajamas, a satin cami and a pair of baggy sweatpants. Her headphones were plugged into the back of her computer and she tapped her fingers in time with the Avril Lavigne song she was listening to.

"I'm tugging at my hair, I'm pulling at my clothes. I'm trying to keep my cool. I know it shows. I'm staring at my feet, my cheeks are turning red. I'm searching for the words inside my head."

Her messenger of choice was displayed on the screen, a background of black and blue on the conversation window that she'd custom made just for his conversation window. Glancing at the clock with a sigh, she smiled when it read midnight. Kagome had always had a habit of becoming nocturnal during the summer, but she'd never, ever stayed up later than ten on a school night before.

'Meh, I blame Sesshoumaru.' As soon as his name range out in her thoughts, Kagome heard the typical ringing sound that signalled a recieved message and focused on the screen once more. What she saw made her eyes get as big as ping pong balls and her mouth open agape with a silent gasp.

"If I could say what I wanna say, I'd say I wanna blow you away. Be with you every night. Am I squeezing you too tight? If I could say what I wanna see, I wanna see you go down on one knee. Marry me today. But I guess I'm wishing my life away, with these things I'll never say."

STaisho14152 says: Kagome...I've been wanting to ask you for awhile now...but will you go out with me?

She froze. She never, ever expected him to ask her that. There hadn't even been any real warning signs. Or, there had been and she just hadn't seen them. Now that she thought about it, she'd seen Aika and him talking alot lately away from everyone else. They were either whispering or talking seriously, and there were times when it looked like Aika was threatening him.

'Aika you little fart nugget!!! You sold me out!!!' Kagome frowned even though her eyes were still wide. Aika had probably been working at this for awhile knowing her. The messenger went off again and she blinked in shock at the sudden sound.

STaisho14152 says: I know we barely know each other and all...but can you at least give me a chance?

'Wow...' Kagome blinked repeatedly with wide eyes and then remembered something suddenly and wrote back to him.

lildevil31366 says: Are...are you serious? Cause you do realize today is April Fool's Day right?

STaisho14152 says: lol I'm serious Kagome. Now answer me before you pass out on your keyboard again.

"It don’t do me any good, it’s just a waste of time. What use is it to you, what’s on my mind? If ain’t coming out, we’re not going anywhere. So why can’t I just tell you that I care?"

"What do I do?" She whispered to herself before gnawing on her bottom lip, nervous tendencies suddenly coming to the surface as she stared at the simple question on the messenger.

"Cause I'm feeling nervous, trying to be so perfect. Cause I know you're worth it. You're worth it, yeah."

lildevil31363 says: I'm not sure...I've never had a real relationship before.

'Psh, totally. I've only had assholes who just want a piece of ass.'

STaisho14152 says: What the hell? How is that possible?

lildevil31363 says: What's that supposed to mean?

STaisho14152 says: How come a girl like you has never had a serious relationship?

Kagome felt her heart thud in her chest with a vengeance. A girl like her? Was that good? Why was she so bad at these sort of things?!

"If I could say what I wanna say, I'd say I wanna blow you away. Be with you every night. Am I squeezing you too tight? If I could say what I wanna see, I wanna see you go down on one knee. Marry me today. But I guess I'm wishing my life away, with these things I'll never say."

Suddenly, she smiled and bit her bottom lip before reaching up and typing.

lildevil31363 says: You do realize that if you hurt me, you have an army of girls waiting to beat your ass.

STaisho14152 says: ...is that a yes?

Again, she smiled with a small laugh.

lildevil31363 says: Yes Fluffy, that's a yes.

From there, the next four years became a total whirlwind for me. I think back on it now, and it's a contradiction. On one hand, I wouldn't give up those four years for anything. But on the other hand...

I wish they'd never happened.