Yes, everyone groan, yet enough fic that attempts to get inside Raven's complicated head. And yes Raven naturally has dark, deep thoughts…and we all love her for it! So sit, read and enjoy. Review or flame. But if you were expecting party balloons and other concepts maybe, just maybe, you would be better off reading something else…although I managed to include the magic candles that always relight themselves somewhere in here…(grin)

Warnings: the 'f' word appears once. Only once. And that's all.

When a pair of violet eyes gazes upon the city at night the owner wonders if all the people down there take their small lives for granted a little too much. Sometimes the owner feels disgust when the pinpricks of light from buildings wash over her drawing her in like a thousand moths to a hundred candles in the darkness. Sometimes she feels envy when their careless happiness bursts through her mediation with all the subtly of a glinting dagger. And yet it makes the more sadistic part of her grin when she realises that if any of them had to stop showing their feelings for the amount of time she does they simply couldn't cope.

She wants to laugh but she shouldn't. And won't. No point in freaking anyone out with the dark thoughts that come naturally to her. Only Malicar would understand or at least listen. But malicar…well, he's gone. Not to mention the fact that he's evil, broke her heart, tricked her and he was a dragon. Marriage to a reptile had never been on the cards, tarot or otherwise.

She scowls, sealing off that particular train of thought from the crisp night atmosphere. God, she is so screwed. Not that she believes that is a god up there. If there was she could pretty much kiss the gates of heaven goodbye. From what she had heard about God, he didn't strike as the demon-tolerant type even if she was biologically half human.

She blames the grey skin on her father. Being Raven, meant having a love of darkness and depression but the colour grey always seemed to be void of any emotion whatsoever. And didn't she try to accomplish that everyday without needing to be reminded of how fucked up that sounded when she looks into the mirror?

There are no answers to such bitter questions. Or maybe there are…only…only she hasn't found them yet or they're too complex for her to even grasp their meaning. But she wants to understand, oh, how she wants too…she doesn't think she could bear it if the answers turn out to be bland and simple. If she ever learns of their existence, that is.

Now she wants to cry. Or shout. Or scream. Or just do something emotional…and…and…unexpected. But she won't because she's strong. Because of who she is and what she is. Because she's Raven.

Yet when she basks in the golden company of her friends, she isn't just Raven, she's a person who has a right to exist. Who has the right to expect a nice birthday and a normal cake with magic candles that keep relighting themselves and cause her to fume at their stupid name. Oh yeah, a birthday without a psychopath ruining it would be a good start.

So she isn't quite sure who Raven is, what with all the feeling and not feeling. Hell, she doesn't even know what Raven is. Demon and human genetics make a dramatic clash so really she's a complicated mess. However the teen titans love her, mess and all, and she loves them for it, she truly does but it's not enough.

But…

Sometimes when Beast boy tries to make her smile or Starfire urges her to taste another alien recipe, a part of her coos that yes, maybe it is enough, maybe she's in danger of taking these wonderful people for granted. So she lets the feelings wash over her and as she taunts Beast Boy or declines one of Starfire's many offers she feels like she belongs. When she interacts with her friends and the private part of her mixes with the emotions she gets a glimpse of what she truly is.

And she likes what she sees.