|Feelings So Confus'd
Author: Raven Sky Costello PM
Rose and the Doctor are almost more than friends – but what happens when Rose takes the Doctor's insecurities the wrong way? This tale follows the journey of Rose and the 9th Doctor as they hurtle towards finding love. ABANDONED.Rated: Fiction M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 9 - Words: 8,338 - Reviews: 113 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 61 - Updated: 09-08-07 - Published: 02-07-06 - id: 2789556
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Title: Feelings so Confus'd
Doctor: 9th, naturally.
Disclaimer: All I own is... is... now where did I put it? I'm sure I own something! Oh yeah! I own nothing. Doctor Who belongs to the BBC, as much as I wish (and you, too, no doubt) that it belonged to me.
Summary: It started with a kiss, then it got confusing!
A/N: Read & Review or my Wear-Bear will eat you! M for later chapters. This is my first fanfic so be nice!
Chapter 1: Rejection
She kissed him, desperately, wanting more. She moved her hands to his arse in an attempt to draw him closer, but he caught her hands and settled them around his shoulders. She grabbed his wrist and moved his hand to her breast, sending a silent message. He ignored the message and pulled his hand away. She opened her eyes to gauge his reactions to their kiss. She could see a smile, in the corners of his closed eyes. Yet she could also see that he was holding back from her, pulling his emotions inside himself. She decided to try something, in an attempt to draw out his emotions.
Keeping her eyes open, she slid her tongue along his bottom lip, waiting for an invitation. It never came, though she felt his lips tighten as he stopped himself from inviting her in. Ignoring the lack of passion the Doctor was giving her, Rose slid her tongue over his bottom lip, ever so slightly, and in a way that would arouse any other man in the universe. At the same time as this, she grabbed his wrist again and put his hands over her breasts. Before he could pull them away, she started to move his hands for him, almost in a massaging way, loving the way everything in her reacted to that touch.
The Doctor moaned, showing the first sign of passion she'd seen from him since they had first kissed. He seemed to catch himself moaning and pulled away, his hand still massaging her left breast, seemingly unnoticed. Looking at her, he saw that she was breathing more heavily than usual, and as he looked down, he realised why. Hurriedly - no, she realised, guiltily - he pulled his hand back.
"Rose..." His voice was hoarse. "I'm sorry... I-I I shouldn't have..." He trailed off, still looking her in the eye. She tried to kiss him again, and succeeded, if only for the barest second, before he pulled back again, turning his head so she couldn't kiss him again. "No, Rose. I can't. We shouldn't!" His voice was void of all emotion, as if he were trying to hide what he felt from himself, as well as the universe.
"We should! I can! Yes, Doctor!" She replied. She wrapped her arms around his waist, in an attempt to bring him to her. He gently pulled her hands away from him and left them at her side.
"No. Rose... this isn't right... we shouldn't be with each other..." he said, willing her to deny it. Begging to the gods that she would deny it.
"Yes we should! I know it, and you can't bloody deny it! Why won't you be with me? All of me?"
The Doctor looked down at her, and decided he would stick to the promise he'd made with Jack. He'd ask her how she felt.
"I don't know how! That's why! How can you be passionate, and I mean 'let everything go' passionate with someone you don't love?" He asked, waiting for her to tell him she loved him. He never could have imagined the turmoil his words would cause Rose.
She didn't know how long had passed between them. Minutes of nothing but silence. Apart from in her head, which was screaming.
Her world had collapsed. With that one sentence, everything seemed to make sense. A dark, heartbreaking sense. He didn't love her. She couldn't believe it. HE DIDN'T LOVE HER! As she tried to look outwardly calm, she wrestled a torrent of emotions. How would she survive, knowing that the man she would die for didn't... didn't even as much as love her? How? She didn't understand how she had been foolish enough to think that the Doctor loved her. She felt so confused, and all she wanted to do was run away. From her feelings and from her Doctor - No! she reprimanded herself, not my Doctor - and from herself. How could she look at the Doctor - who she loved more than anyone else in any time or any universe - knowing that he didn't feel the same, gut-wrenching love for her?
She didn't notice that the Doctor's shoulders were hunched as he waited for her reply, or that he was watching her intently, as though what she said next could re-write all of time and space. He felt shocked at what he had said; shocked that he'd finally asked her. He'd had to, though. He'd decided to when he felt himself getting harder. He was desperate to take their relationship - if you could call a few kisses a relationship, that is - to the next level.
Then he could show her how he truly felt without being worried about the consequences. He could kiss her when he wanted, with all the passion he had kept within himself, feel her beneath him and not wonder whether she would run off. He liked the gentleness of their kisses, but sometimes when he looked at her he was filled with a hunger so strong he knew if he acted on it he would ravage her. His kisses would be so harsh she'd be left bruised from it. He'd crush her with his hugs. He'd thrust into her so deeply and with so much passion she be unable to walk for days.
But he'd also give up all his regenerations just to get one smile out of her. Just so she could be happy for a minute. He would destroy everything and anything to keep her out of harm's way.
She was his Rose. But did she - could she - love him?
All this was realised in a matter of seconds, though neither knew the others thoughts. Rose was distraught and she made the decision to get out of there. She couldn't stay there anymore. It was too painful.
"I - uh, I need some space," Rose blurted, dashing to the console room door. "I'll, um, I'll be with Jack."
"Rose..." The Doctor whispered.
"No! J-Just leave me alone, yeah?" With that she ran out of the room, running her hand through her hair.
"No, you can't... I love you!" He replied to the empty room.
He sank into one of the chairs the TARDIS had provided him with. That only proved she didn't love him. He knew he could still be kissing her now, if he hadn't opened his mouth. He wouldn't have opened his mouth if she hadn't have tried to take it further. Why did she always do it?
Seven days had gone since she first kissed him. That first time she had left it at that and the Doctor had assumed she'd forget all about it. But then she kissed him again, and had kissed him five times since their first. Each time, she'd tried to take it further. He hadn't let her of course. He didn't trust himself to.
And... What if she was just with him until... until she picked up another pretty boy? He couldn't allow himself to fall even more in love with Rose, especially if she didn't love him back. It'd be like Gallifrey all over again.
No. If she needed space, he'd give her all the space she could ever need. Until, that is, she changed her mind. If she changed her mind. Which she probably wouldn't, but... even Time Lords can pray, right?
A/N: I've not been particularly good at updating this on time, but I'm honestly trying. At the moment, I'm going through each chapter separately and correcting the mistakes (especially the switches between tenses! LoL!) and I hope you like the new and improved version. I will try to post another chapter soon, but I can't make any promises, as I'm doing my A2 levels at the moment. (Also – I appear to be having formatting difficulties at the moment, especially around punctuation. If you see any problems, please inform me either via review or personal message so I can correct it as soon as possible. Thanks!)
(Updated: April 5th, 2008)