Disclaimer: I am not Masashi Kishimoto; therefore I do not own these characters.

Pillow Talk

Orochimaru had always liked going out on missions. Going out with a purpose, executing his orders (and more often than not his adversaries) and then getting paid. Orochimaru loved missions.

He also quite liked the amount of solitude missions allowed him to have. Sarutobi-sensei had long since decided that his group was far too grown-up to need his help and Orochimaru had had many years of practice at ignoring Tsunade and Jiraiya – made easier by the fact that Jiraiya found Tsunade very distracting.

As misfortune would have it, however, only Jiraiya accompanied Orochimaru on this particular mission. Jiraiya was infinitely more difficult to ignore than anyone else Orochimaru had ever met and missions assigned to only the two of them were the bane of Orochimaru's existence.

Especially at 2am in the morning.

"Hey, Oro!"

Orochimaru rolled over in his sleeping bag.

"Orochi!"

Jiraiya poked Orochimaru in the back.

"Orochimaru!"

"What?" Jiraiya was not worth rolling back over for.

"You have never, ever had a girlfriend!"

Perhaps this conversation was worth eye contact.

"You woke me up to tell me something utterly trivial which I already knew? Your reasoning had best be flawless, Jiraiya."

"Uh, yeah! That's really, really weird!"

Orochimaru's murderous intent rose slightly, but Orochimaru was used to keeping it at bay around his teammate.

"The three vices of a shinobi, Jiraiya. That's why I'm a better ninja than you'll ever be."

"You think that's more important than the fact that you're a virgin!"

"I, at least, have the respect of every female in the Village." If there was one girl who could stand Jiraiya, Orochimaru would have very much liked to have met her and knocked some sense into her.

"For some reason." Jiraiya snorted. "I don't know what girls see in you. You're all creepy and grumpy."

"And I do not spy on them when they're in a state of undress."

"You're such a freak!" said Jiraiya, as if not peeking was socially unacceptable. "Do you even have hormones?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Jiraiya, of course I have hormones. My body wouldn't function without them." Had it been any other time than 2am, Orochimaru would have given Jiraiya an in-depth physiology lesson and would have delighted in Jiraiya's utter incomprehension.

"You know what I mean!" Jiraiya laughed. "You must be so sexually frustrated."

"No." Orochimaru stated firmly. "Just incalculably frustrated with you. Now, if you'd be so kind as to stop making a fool of yourself, I'd rather like to go back to sleep."

There was silence. For a moment, Orochimaru thought he was in the clear; but soon after came this terrible sense of dread.

Jiraiya was going to talk again. He could feel it.

"Orochimaru!"

There it was.

"You're gay, aren't you!" That wasn't really a question. That was Jiraiya's way of wheedling a confession out of Orochimaru. Unfortunately, Jiraiya never had been much good at interrogations.

"Oh, Jiraiya: please stop talking."

"Hah! That's definitely a 'yes' then."

"No, that's an order for you to be quiet before I rip out your voice box."

Jiraiya pouted. "You're so mean to me, Orochimaru." Jiraiya gasped in mock horror. "It's not because you're... secretly in love with me and can't express your feelings, is it?" Jiraiya laughed.

Orochimaru did not. Jiraiya was going to pay now.

"Actually..." Orochimaru paused. Jiraiya stared at him through the darkness, his eyebrows slightly furrowed with worry. Orochimaru shuffled his sleeping bag towards Jiraiya's. Slowly, he placed one hand on Jiraiya's cheek.

"Perhaps..." Jiraiya turned as white as his companion as Orochimaru's lips were barely milimetres from his own.

"...I am." Jiraiya froze as Orochimaru's hand slid down his face and neck and inside the sleeping bag.

Orochimaru didn't hear another word out of Jiraiya all night.

Once he'd removed the rather venomous snake Orochimaru had placed in his sleeping bag, that is.