|Superhero Bathroom Habits
Author: God of Static PM
Late one night on the Watchtower, two workers discuss the habits of their employers.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Words: 1,199 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 16 - Follows: 2 - Published: 02-08-06 - id: 2791594
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Superhero Bathroom Habits
It was just another night in the watchtower, Green Arrow was practicing his archery, The Question was digging through people's garbage, and the flash was attempting to pick up girls at the speed of light.
Of course, out story has nothing to do these heroes, in fact it is more about two of the not-so-super residents of the tower: Frank and Bob. Frank is a civilian worker hired to help keep the Watchtower's impressive technology maintained and Bob well, he came along with Frank.
Currently Frank and Bob where assigned to repair a Javelin, which had become damaged during one of the Justice Leagues many heroic battles. It was during this time that Bob decided to ask Frank a question that had been plaguing his mind for some time now.
"Hey Frank?" Said Bob, looking up from his Gameboy. "Do you think Superman has a small winky?"
"WHAT!" Yelled Frank, almost burning himself with the welding torch. "What did you just say?"
"I just asking you if you think Superman comes out a little short, you know what I mean?"
"Why the Hell would you ask me that?"
"It's just that these Superheroes have got me out-maculated in almost every field, and I like to think that maybe I have something over them you know, down there."
"What about the Superheroines?"
"Dude, I don't know what you're into, but I'm not into the idea of a chick having a winky, no matter how small it is."
"That's not what I…never mind." Frank went back to work on the Javelin, hoping Bob would shut up and let him do his job. However, this was not meant to be, and five minutes later Bob spoke up again.
"You know, now that I think about it, how do you suppose Superman goes to the bathroom?"
"Sigh. What are you talking about know?"
"Think about it. Superman can't just take a regular dump, he takes a SUPER-dump. Imagine what that's like. I'd imagine anytime he forced something out of his Super-colon it shoot through the piping, though the floor, and pierce the Earth's crust."
Frank groaned and got up to repair another section of the ship praying to God that Bob wouldn't follow. He did.
"And think about what would happen when he pees! It would probably be strong enough to peel the paint off an airplane. Hell, it would probably take the hull out with it! He must have some kind of special toilet, reinforced with titanium or something."
"Lord why have you forsaken me? That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard."
"Actually, it's not totally far-fetched. I know someone who cleans the bathrooms in the Watchtower, and he said that he's seen every hero use the facilities at one point except for Superman and Batman."
A long, awkward silence filled the room.
"He watches people go to the bathroom?" Frank asked.
"Well, I didn't say we were friends."
"O.K., Superman I can understand what with the Super-toilet and everything, but why wouldn't Batman use the bathrooms?"
"I don't know, maybe he doesn't like to remind people that he's human so he holds it in."
"Yeah but for the entire time he's up here? Is that even possible?"
"Dude, he's Batman. He can do anything."
"No way. He probably has one of those things where he can go in his suit, like the astronauts."
"Nah, the suits to tight around that area to fit one."
Frank stared at Bob. "You been checking him out down there?"
"…no." Bob went back to his Gameboy, his ego wounded. It wasn't until fifteen minutes later that he looked up again, snapping his fingers as he did so.
"I got it! Maybe he sneaks in and uses the bathroom when no-ones around."
"Yeah, picture it Frank, Batman sneaks into the bathroom in the shadows then, suspended from the ceiling with his pants down, and releases everything into the toilet below. And it lands in there perfectly each time because he's Batman and he can do anything." Bob stood up triumphantly as if he had just solved the world's biggest mystery.
"You're really into Batman aren't you?"
"Well I am in the Batman fan club." Bob reached into his wallet, pulling out his Batman fan club membership I.D.
"You're in his fan club?"
"Well it's not like I'm alone. Lois Lane is also a member."
"You're kidding me. Lois Lane is part of the Batman fan club?"
"Yeah but don't tell anyone all right?"
Meanwhile on the other side of the station listening to every word with his Super-hearing, Superman was in a closet crying like a little girl.
"Oh Lois why! Why did you betray our love!" SOB"
Bob continued his conversation with Frank for the rest of his shift, commentating on how he believed the Heroes went about there "business."
"Green Lanterns lucky. He could probably make a toilet with that ring of his any time, anywhere. He'd have to look for someplace private though first, I don't think I'd want to go number two a couple miles above the city. The Flash has it easiest though I figure. If he's fighting someone and has to go, he could run to the nearest bathroom and be back before the crook knows he gone!"
"GOD DANG-IT WILL YOU SHUT UP! SOME OF US HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN WONDER HOW HAWKGIRL USES THE TOILET!" Frank covered his mouth, realizing he was getting stares from most of the other workers in the hanger.
"Fine, whatever." Bob took his Gameboy and left, leaving Frank to finish the repairs.
"Finally." Frank got back to work on the Javelin, praying that no-one told Hawkgirl what he said.
It was a couple hours later before Frank finished the repairs. Congratulating himself on a job well done, he decided to take a break and head to the cafeteria. Along the way he was thrown to the ground by a sudden violent tremor shaking the Watchtower. Grabbing a nearby railing to get himself back on his feet, he could hear the alarm sounding and the red emergency lights flashing along the walls.
"What the hell is going on!" Frank shouted. He then spotted Bob running down the hallway towards him. Grabbing him before he passed, Frank held Bob against the wall.
"Oh, hi Frank."
"Ah yes well, you remember our discussion about Superman's Super-colon? Well, I was curious what would happen if he took a laxative and well…" Bob laughed nervously.
"Bob, tell me you didn't…"
"BEEP! BEEP! WARNING! HULL BREACH IMMINENT! ALL PERSONEL GET TO THE ESCAPE PODS IMMEDIENTLY!
"Killed by a bathroom prank. I never saw it coming." Frank sighed.
"I did. In fact my momma always said that's how I would I kill myself."
"…you're an idiot Bob."
"She said that too."