Author’s Note: This is a one-shot, as I’m long overdue for posting something. And felt the undeniable urge. This got first place in the ‘Love Is In the Air’ DBCA Challenge, which ended on the first of February (incidentally my birthday) and the challenge requirements were that one must create the absolute worst Mary Sue imaginable. I've altered this version just a bit.

And what better way to introduce a Mary Sue than to ship her to Gerik’s lair, eh?

XXX

Title: Lola Marie’s Wrath
Author: Your friendly neighborhood Spiderman
(Reltistic)
Rating: PG
Warnings: Major Suishness is all, the kind that makes you want to suffocate someone. Oh and be prepared for a surprise ending. ‘Surprise’ meaning somewhat destructive.
Fic Challenge: Love Is In The Air (A DBCA Challenge Entry)

The notorious Phantom of the Opera buried his face into his hands, his eyes clenched shut. If only he hadn’t been so miserable, so utterly consumed with grief, if only he had had the courage to stand up and start anew. If only he had somebody to love…
“If only I could get decent sleep these days,” The Phantom rumbled under his breath, his form uncomfortably arched over the organ as he attempted to wipe the grogginess from his eyes. At least he had privacy. If there was one thing he appreciated in life, it was…

A serious of knocks resounded from afar.

“…Privacy…” Erik gritted his teeth and rose from the organ, wondering who the hell would barge into his lair at this hour. Better yet, who would barge into the lair at all…
And knock?

With great strides, he eventually found the visitor by the lake, a scrawny young man clad in a worn mud-coloured uniform and matching cap. The fellow had heaved a tremendous wooden crate that now sat by his side, and had stopped to admire the murky and mysterious lake before him.

“Hey there!” He waved from a distance at the Phantom, in friendly raised an eyebrow. Well this was certainly a different approach. Without a cringe of fright, the brown-clothed visitor surely made his way to the infamous Phantom, gripping a clipboard in his right hand and armed with a friendly customary smiled.

The Phantom was perturbed.

He pushed the clipboard into his leather-glove-clad hands and spoke with a rapid American accent, “Buddy, you’re gonna want to sign here…”
The Phantom scribbled.
“And here.”
Scribble.
“And here.”
Confused glance followed by a scribble.
“Mmhmm, thanks!” He snatched the clipboard back, fished into his pocket and revealed a time-turner (A/N: J.K Rowling, full credit goes to you, I don’t want to be sued). Speechless with confusion, Erik could only watch, unwavering as the man gave a few twists and hastily vanished.

His senses came back to him.

“What in the name…” If not for the wooden crate set down only a few strides before him, he could’ve sworn he had imagined it all. And yet there it was, right in front of him…

What could be in there?

Giving a grunt, he decided, “to hell with this,” and retreated back to his organ, deciding that he did not have spare time to look.

(10 minutes later)

Erik sat beside his organ, his sleeves hiked up, his hair disheveled, and his eyes wide with curiosity as he finally had heaved the gigantic crate further inside his humble abode. He had ripped off a folded note that had been sloppily taped to the side of the crate and began reading hastily.

Geri- I mean Erik,

Didn’t really know what to get you for Valentine’s Day (don't ask me why I even bothered) I know it's strange, but it’s what you always wanted. I found it lying around in some abandoned fanfic and even though I personally want to shove it out the window and watch it fall to its sickeningly sweet death, I’m sure you’ll find it entertaining because you’ve been utterly consumed with grief caused by loneliness.

Erik shot a glare at the letter.

Don’t give me that look.

Regards,
Reltistic

PS: I wouldn’t attempt to make conversation with the UPS guy; he’s not the brightest crayon in the box…

Curiosity peaked even further, he wrenched open the lid of the crate and heaved himself to his feet to peer inside. Out snaked a thin pale unscathed wrist, palm open as if to ask for assistance. With a grunt, he gripped the hand and pulled whoever it was that had been so cruelly placed inside with nothing but a set of air holes to breathe through. And lo and behold, he had helped a “divine” (Rel is mentally retching right now) creature who flashed him a flattering smile and whom he stared at unwavering.

Golden locks fell open bare smooth shoulders, locks that carried each and every glint of light the sun had ever shone, framing a beautifully crafted face. It was the face of an angel’s, complete with astounding aquamarine eyes that disappeared briefly as the beauty batted her long eyelashes, and pouted her full lustrous pink lips. Her thin beautifully sculpted form was dressed in a lavish violet gown, cinched tightly around her tiny waist. She gave a petite yawn and gave a brief delicate stretch.

Erik blanched.

“Hello,” She gave him a dazzling whitest of the white, whiter than bleach, mega-watt smile and extended her hand in expectancy for him to kiss it. He did so and she let out a cheerful giggle.

“I’m Lola Marie,” She piped up melodiously.
“…Erik…” He stared, transfixed.
“Aw, you live all by your lonesome in such a dark place?” She puffed out her lower lip and examined her surroundings.
“…Yes…”
“Aren’t you going to say more?”
“…No…”
“Do you need a neck rub? You look tense.”
“…No…”
“Are you hungry Erik?”
“…No…”
“Does anything need cleaning?”
“…No…”
“Are you sure you don’t want a neck rub.”
“Yes.”
“Did you get anything for me for Valentine’s Day?” She purred into his ear, her aquamarine eyes twinkling.
If I say no, will she start bawling?
Panicky, he managed to exclaim, “Of course I did!" Brain blank. "What did you say your name was?”
She looked taken aback, “Lola Marie.”
“Right.” He dived his head into the crate, fumbling for some sort of accessory that had been packed with the empty-headed blonde. Beneath bubble-wrap he found a slip of paper:

Mary Sues R Us:
Visions of Perfection

10 Off On Your Next Sue Purchase!
(when coupon is presented)

Order yours today while supplies last!

Or else!

He twitched and decided to search more, finally finding amongst the bubble wrapping a box of Godiva Chocolates and a bouquet of roses, which he immediately snatched and held them out expectantly.

Lola Marie giggled in delight, snatching the gifts. She leaped into an utterly shocked Erik’s arms, burying her face into his neck. “Darling, you’re the sweetest, most kindest, most generous…”

Erik twitched.

“Most handsome, most lovely, most gorgeous, most—“ He chuckled nervously, prying her off with difficulty, “I’m flattered, really, can you, erm, get off?.”
“Oh. My. God.” Her chest rose and fell rapidly as she gazed at him with enormous bright eyes, growing watery by the moment.
“What?” Erik’s brow furrowed.
“You…don’t love me anymore!”
“Huh?”
“You hate me!”
“I d—“
“You want me to die!”
“Wha--?” With a great swoon, the buxom blonde fainted in his arms. After a few mere moments of standing rigid, completely bewildered, contemplating on why exactly he had opened the crate, her eyes flew upon, accompanied by the mega-watt smile (In which we're still pondering as to how exactly Erik still managed to hold onto his vision).
“Erik?”
“What?”
“I fainted.”
“…I can see that.”
“You know what this means?”
“No.”
“It means I’m probably pregnant with your baby!”
“WHAT!”
“Yes! And we can have twins! A boy and a girl! Beautiful little babies scampering around the lair with their daddy’s eyes and their mommy’s hair and their mommy’s cooking skills, and mommy’s cleaning skills, and their mommy’s perfect smile, and their mommy’s perfect skin and perfect teeth and perfect manners and—OOF!” With a jolt he dropped her to the ground, disturbed to the core.
“GET AWAY!” He screamed, hastily backing up. The Sue rose to her feet, a look of immense anger crossing her beautiful features.
“Erik...” She crooned before giving a huge twitch of her neck.

Erik stared, perplexed as she twitched again.

And again.

And again.

Until an automated voice filled the air:

“Lola Marie has been mistreated.”

Erik blinked. Wha--?

“Error. Error. Error. Err—“

And then she blew up, sending bits of robot debris flying in every imaginable place, leaving Erik wide-eyed in the corner by the organ clutching his knees to his chest as he watched the robot Sue Lola Marie’s head clunk to the ground.

XXX

Author’s Note: Ha. Y’know, that reminds me of the fembots from Austin Powers.

“Machine gun jumblies? How’d I miss those, baby!”

(cough) That was needed. Anywho, loved it, hated it, thought it was disastrously stupid (In which case I'll have no choice but to lynch you for being downright rude if you use that one) please leave a review, ta!