A/N: Hey! Son Goku, the idiot saru, is back! That’s right I wrote another poor excuse of a fanfic. This will not be my best because it’s my first 1st person (Sanzo POV). Yea I know it says implied 39 but Goku never really shows up here ¬-¬

Goku: Why not?

GLS: Hard to explain…

Tsuki(my muse): -tear- I’m so glad I could help.

GLS: Yea, ‘Loser’ was less sad than this.

Sanzo: That fic wasn’t really sad…and will you 2 shut up and introduce the damn fic!

GLS: Ok fine, here’s ‘Cold’.

Warnings: Implied 39, Shonen ai, Implied Yaoi, Mentions of sex, Sanzo OOC.

Rating: R (to be safe)

Disclaimer: THE DANCING MONKEYS ARE SWIMMING IN SOAR CREAM! And Sadly I do not own Saiyuki which belongs to Minekura-san, and I do not own the song Cold which belongs to Crossfade.

Genre: Angst/ Romance

You know the protocol: …. “Speech”

And ((A/N))

--lyric--

Cold

--Looking back at me I see

That I never really got it right

I never stopped to think of you--

You left…At first I was angry, pissed, upset, and yea a little hurt. Soon I realized why you left, it wasn’t about the fight with Kougajii, where we all almost died, and it wasn’t Homura’s death earlier in our journey. It was me.

--I'm always wrapped up in

Things I cannot win

You are the antidote that gets me by

Something strong

Like a drug that gets me high--

Hakkai and Gojyo said it was my fault, but my pride got in the way of the truth. I called you ‘Bakazaru’, ‘Moron’, and ‘ungrateful brat’; but inside I was begging…wishing you’d come back. I remember the night you before left clearly as though it just happened, but it does every night, in my dreams.

--What I really meant to say

Is I'm sorry for the way I am

I never meant to be so cold

Never meant to be so cold --

((Flashback))

“Sanzo…” your voice called out, timid, shy, not like yourself at all. “Sanzo can I speak to you?” you received a grunt from me, so you entered and closed the door behind you.

When I looked up you stood right next to me, but you golden eyes were averting mine “Sanzo,…remember before the fight with Gymahou and Kougajii, I said I needed to tell you something if we survived?”

--What I really meant to say

Is I'm sorry for the way I am

I never meant to be so cold

Never meant to be so cold to you

And I'm sorry about all the lies--

“Yea,” I grunted, a little scared about what you were going to say.

“Sanzo, well…this is hard to say…” You took a deep breath.

“Spit it out!” I barked angrily, my patience thinning.

“Sanzo…I…A-Ai-…Aishiteru,” you were able to muster in a small whisper.

--Maybe in a different light

You could see me stand on my own again--

I stared at you, your golden eyes finally met mine and looked deep into me…searching for some hope. This is what I wanted. How I many times did I watch you, and want to pin you down and ravish your young body, until you screamed my name. But today, today it was raining, pounding in my ears. I was at a loss for words, so I did whatever my pride allowed: looked out the window, and murmured “Get ready for dinner.”

--Cause now I can see

You were the antidote that got me by

Something strong like a drug that got me high

What I really meant to say

Is I'm sorry for the way I am

I never meant to be so cold

Never meant to be so cold --

I didn’t know I used up my last chance with you. I looked in you beautiful golden eyes now full of pain. I kept telling myself that you were too young and didn’t know what love was. I felt as though I wasn’t ready to let you in my heart, even though you were the one who broke my barriers.

((End Flashback))

--What I really meant to say

Is I'm sorry for the way I am

I never meant to be so cold

Never meant to be so cold --

Seiten Taisei Son Goku, that’s what the gods called you, the Great Sage Equal to Heaven Son Goku. It’s such a huge title for someone you size. At least that’s what I thought before I fought you, before you killed Homura and Gymahou. Now I see that name wasn’t enough. To the heavens you may be a heretic, but to me …to me you’re my light.

--I never meant to be so cold--

You called me your sun, your savior, the one who freed you. But all these years, Goku, you were wrong. If I had to be something I’d be the moon; I can’t shine without you. When you left that rainy night two years ago, I died. Maybe not physically, but my heart broke the moment I entered you empty room the next morning. I realized that it was a completely different situation from when Gojyo left…because I knew I couldn’t follow you…you made sure of that.

--I never really wanted you to see

The screwed up side of me--

After you left, Gojyo and Hakkai wanted to stay with me a little longer just until I was better before they headed back to Chang’an. But I’m still not better, so I told them to leave. At first, I blamed the rain, it made me in a bad mood, and it wasn’t you. Then I realized I’m the baka, me, I let the rain get to me, it wasn’t the weathers fault. I blamed it because it happened to rain on the day my Master died,…and the day you left.

--That I keep locked inside of me so deep--

It’s raining now, but outside it’s a beautiful day, those kinds of days you love. Where the sun is out, it’s warm, and flowers are blooming. But inside my heart it’s raining, no pouring. I want to see you smile again, hear you laugh.

I know you’re alive, I always can hear your heart. The night you left I shut it out, I couldn’t stand to hear it shatter. Now, I can hear your tears everyday, If I knew where you were I’d find you and wipe them away and make sure they never returned.

--It always seems to get to me--

Where are you! Every night I hear you calling to me, but not in pain, but sadness. Are you somewhere where you are mistreated. Please Goku, if you can come back, please do. I was wrong…I should have told you the truth that day. But I was a fool. I’m not- I never was fit to be your guardian, your keeper. I want to find you…save you again. Goku if you come back…I swear I’ll change, for you.

--I never really wanted you to go--

Finding you is my only mission, fuck the gods! You’re the only reason I haven’t put my gun to my head yet. I hope you can forgive me. At first I thought you were kidnapped but I sensed in your heart….you finally left me. I plan to search all of Shangri-la for you, no the whole world if I have to! And damn it I’ll go to heaven somehow and look for you there!

--So many things you should have known

I guess for me there’s just no hope--

You don’t have to be with me but, please forgive me. No one will ever be able to smile or laugh the way you do. Until I met you I never felt anything for anyone, but you showed me how to enjoy life. For that I want to thank you. No one but my master treated me like I was human, till you came along.

--I never meant to be so cold

What I really meant to say

Is I'm sorry for the way I am

I never meant to be so cold

never meant to be so cold --

To you the name Sanzo was just that, a name not a title. Everyone at the temple always sucked up to me, you never did, well neither did Gojyo or Hakkai but this isn’t about them. Goku, I know you can hear me, no matter where you are, you can hear my heart ‘cause I can hear yours.

--What I really meant to say

Is I'm sorry for the way I am

I never meant to be so cold

never meant to be so cold--

Goku come back to me because…because I have to tell you the truth. I need to tell you how I truly feel. I have to tell you to come back to me because…

Aishiteru Son Goku.

-Owarii-

A/N: T-T That was REALLY sad! I can’t believe I just wrote that. Just a note: Goku did run away.

Tsuki: -slap- Achan How could you!

GLS: I’m sorry Sanzo! Goku! Forgive me!

Goku: Sure!

Sanzo: No!

GLS:-dies-

Sanzo: Oh well

Tsuki: OO I’m out of a job T-T

Goku: -pats back- It’s ok, knowing her she’ll come back.

Tsuki: Yea. So thanks for reading! Please R&R and rate the Angst level 10 is highest and 1 is lowest.