|The Shape of Love
Author: Rebbi PM
HikaAki Shounenai slightly onesided. Hikaru's struggle with his own sexual preference. Not so fluffy, a bit angst.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 5,765 - Reviews: 31 - Favs: 10 - Follows: 12 - Updated: 02-25-06 - Published: 02-19-06 - id: 2808329
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: the standard 'don't own don't sue'
Warning: HikaAki Shonen-ai (slightly one-sided); Hikaru POV; not so fluffy, a bit angst maybe. Oh, and this has not be beta-ed! I apologize in advance for any grammatical and spelling mistakes bows (you're welcome to be my beta though, I think this fic will only last about five chapters so it won't take up much of your time)
Just a note on my other fic 'Kami no Itte', it has not been dropped! But I'm kinda having a writer's block so it will take a bit for me to update (and a big Thank You to Dephanie who's beta-ing it for me!)
A/N: This is inspired by a dream I had (god I must be a diehard HikaGo fan if I'm dreaming about it sweatdrop). Well I just decided to take a more realistic view of our most beloved couple (well actually I like Cain/Riff pairing better, but anyways...), and it turned out a bit resembling Zetsuai1989 sweat Ok, I'll shut up now so plz enjoy!
THE SHAPE OF LOVE --愛のかたち--
Chapter One: A Mask --仮面--
I don't know when exactly it started. Thinking back, it may have been when he grabbed my hand to see if I was a go player; it may have been when he chased me to my school to demand for a game; it may have been when he confronted me in the library, asking for the reason of my defaults. But it doesn't matter anymore. I never believed in love by first sight. I knew that I was drugged little by little. Unconsciously, I was lured by the fiery passion brimming his deep blue eyes as his gaze swept across the board, ensnared by the graceful arcs drew by his long slender fingers as they tenderly picked up the stones, intoxicated by the irresistible sweetness of his almost unnoticeable smile as the corner of his pale thin lips curved up ever so slightly. When I finally realized the entrapment, it was too late. I fell. Uncontrollably. Completely.
In the beginning, I have dismissed the so-called 'butterfly sensation' as mere obsession created by our intense rivalry. I have told myself repeatedly that what I felt for is his Go, not him; without Go, he was no more than a stranger to me. Yet–
'Shindou, is there something on my face?' Leaning back in his chair and rubbing the corner of his eyes, Touya questioned in a tired voice.
'Huh?' Startled, I realized that I have been staring at him instead of the Goban in the middle of a game, again.
'I said is there something on my face that makes you stare at me like I'm a freak.' He repeated with a slight tinge of annoyance.
'Umm…no, I'm staring 'coz you're cute?' Quickly weighing each option I had, I decided to cover up the potential awkwardness with a joke, which apparently turned out to be a bad choice.
'Shindou. Stop fooling around. You can never beat me if you keep getting distracted for no reason.' I felt as if someone had pinched my inside hard. Fooling around huh? So that was what he thought? I would have felt better if he blushed or got mad and gave me a punch or something, but seeing him categorizing my affections as some frivolous silliness made me want to tear up his calm and placid coldness so badly that I had to bite my tongue to keep the frenzied fury from erupting. It hurt.
I had played really bad after that. Naturally, my subnormal performance had triggered the usual shouting-match, which to no one's surprise led to my storming out of the parlor. I cursed his cool composure under my breathe on the way home, mentally wrenching it into pieces. It was then that I suddenly realized how upset I was, and all for a small careless comment, too. A sensation I have never quite experienced before had finally caught up with me – fear.
I have never seriously pondered my sexuality before. Growing up with Akari, I had always considered her a good playmate just like my other male friends until we drifted apart in that fateful autumn when I encountered Sai. Being only twelve at that time, I was too young to fully appreciate the ambiguous enigma that's called 'female'. My world then began to revolve around Sai, around Go, and around him.
As far as my mom concerns, I think she had expected me to get a decent job like my dad, marry Akari and have my own kids. Maybe she wanted a grandson to carry on the family name, as I was the only child. Or perhaps a granddaughter too, since she always seemed to like little girls. Respectable job, happy family, and an ordinary life. Yes, I often wondered if that was exactly what my life would be like had I not been dragged into the world of Go. Still, playing go had nothing to do with one's sexuality. And I'm sure it is quite understandable that a typical Asian teenager from a middle-class family, Go player or not, would sure panic upon discovering himself involved in some kind of intimate activities with his friend and rival in a dream. Yes, my first sexual fantasy involved him. And fear had finally settled inside me.
I have never in my life encountered someone gay. To me 'homosexuality' was one of those not-quite-comprehensible words that only appeared in dictionaries. But I have heard enough to know that it was labeled as something unnatural, morbid and despicable. It could not be more clear that confronting my sexual orientation would cost me my career, my reputation, my friends and possibly even my family. Afraid to lose any of these, I decided to carefully hide my disgusting self under a well-constructed façade.
Akari willingly complied my intention. It was true that I had not officially asked her out, or said that I liked her, or even announced her as my girlfriend. But it was quite obvious to her, and to everyone else for that matter, that going to meals or movies together as often as once a week would label us as a couple. I had been quite guilty about using Akari so selfishly, but I assured myself that maybe one day I would eventually learn how to love her, and how to forget about him. Deep down though, I was perfectly aware that I was lying, to myself to her and to the whole world. Sure enough, that One Day never came.
Even the dumbest person on the planet would have realized something was wrong if their boyfriend kept avoiding kissing them, and Akari was far from dumb. To people around us, we'd always put up the show of a lovey-dovey couple that have already celebrated their first anniversary, but she knew that I did not love her, and I, I could no longer pretend that I did.
When we were past the stage of just holding hands and the standard one-date-per-week, I tried to mentally prepare myself for our first kiss. Akari had dragged me to Yokohama for shopping that day. We climbed up the Landmark Tower, the tallest building in Japan as she excitedly told me, and enjoyed the spectacular view of Tokyo Gulf and Mt.Fuji. After dinner at China Town, she brought me to a park situated right next to the sea for a walk. We joined some other loving couples on the grass, feeling the cool evening breeze softly brushing over us. She snuggled a little closer and put her head on my shoulder, and I wrapped an arm around her, enjoying this relaxing tranquility.
'Ne, Hikaru? Remember how we always used to play in the neighborhood park when we were little?' Akari broke the silence in a quiet voice. 'I'm glad that we could come to a park again, kinda reminds me of those happy time we spent together.'
I could feel her smiling into my shirt as she pressed her face into my shoulder. Her words moved me. As I lifted her face and looked into those bright hazel eyes, my whole heart was filled with nostalgic warmth of the innocent and carefree childhood memories reflected back through her gaze. I lowered my head as she tilted her chin up a little expectantly and closed her eyes. I inhaled deeply; the salty scent of the sea filled my nostrils as I searched for her lips. Suddenly a pair of clear sea-blue eyes gazed at me from a dark corner inside me. In my mind's eye, the silky dark hair, the milky white complexion, the slender graceful frame became clearer and clearer, their presence piercing me like a thousand sharp knives. Him. I jerked away from the expectant face before I had realized what I was doing. Akari opened her eyes and looked at me with surprise and bewilderment. Breathing heavily, I looked away.
I apologized later and she said nothing, so our relationship continued. But things did not improve: awkward situations kept happening and I kept apologizing, until it was our mutual understanding that kissing was out of question. She never complained. I think she understood partially what was going on and was waiting for me patiently. If that party had never taken place, perhaps our awkward relationship may have dragged on for much longer.
--A/N: Phew! so how did you like it? I found it quite hard to write from a boy's perspective, so I apologize for any OoC-ness as this is solely my own interpretation of how Hikaru would struggle against his sexuality. Sorry for the lack of fluff and HikaAki interaction, but please do look forward to the next chapter grinning a bit evilly Anyways, please review and tell me what you think! Criticisms and suggestions are welcome!