|A Slightly Silver Moon
Author: Enard Blazesong PM
Have you ever realised that there are far too many GS3 fics out there? Well, here's another one. NOT FOR THOSE WHO VALUE THEIR SANITY includes frequent death, violence and crude references.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Words: 1,052 - Reviews: 4 - Published: 02-23-06 - id: 2815368
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A Slightly Silver Moon: Return of all the Bad Guys
Ivan sipped slowly at a Bacardi Breezer, cursing his misfortune. Why was it always he who was forced to go on lookout duty while the rest of the gang played 'who can kick Garet hardest in the face' in the cabin? He sighed drearily, and pulled out a cigarette. After the gang killed all the surviving adepts who might have had anything to do with the storyline, he had taken up smoking to relieve the mental strain. When he closed his eyes he could still see Hama getting fried with a Spark Plasma while she was busy watching the late night news.
"Hi Ivan!" A female voice called, and Ivan threw his ciggy into the sea. Sheba pranced up, just as Ivan wafted away the fumes with his shirt sleeve. Blood dripped from her left foot, and she grinned pleasantly.
"Yeah, as you can see, I broke his nose." She said conversationally.
"Nice work. I'm sure I would have done the same if I wasn't on watch duty." Ivan put in dejectedly, still trying to subtly waft the cigarette smoke away. Sheba, stupidly, didn't notice.
"Oh by the way, Kraden says that Saturos is alive again." Sheba said, yawning.
"Did you give him those pills to help him with those dreams he has? Remember to force them down if he resists!" Ivan shook his finger sternly.
"Yeah, but he still seems to think that Saturos is somehow taking his clothes when he isn't looking. We found him naked halfway up the mast earlier."
"Yeah, damn weirdo."
Ivan relaxed, staring up into the still, starry sky.
"Sheba…" He began.
"Yes?" She turned to face him, the moonlight glinting off her golden hair. Ivan opened his mouth, not knowing what to say.
"Let's make some babies."
Sheba started at him queerly, and then laughed.
"Sure, let's go."
"Where do you wanna make them?" Ivan seized her hand and grinned.
"Let's use Isaac's cabin, I want to try on some of his lingerie."
And so, gaily, they skipped off to Isaac's cabin. Where they had fun all night.
Mia awoke from her binge-induced dreams to find that she was lying in a barrel. Also she was wearing Kraden's clothes.
"How silly." She said to herself with great humor, and tittered for a few minutes. Then she walked off.
Slowly, an evil, sinister, dark, menacing, shadowy, inky, creeping silhouette crept on board the ship. It looked around, which was difficult for a blob of darkness, as it had no head.
"Isaac and friends, I will kill you all." It said to no one in particular. Taking a large and dramatic step forward, it entered a patch of light, shed by a ridiculously large neon sight, which said "Adult Bookstore"
And, strangely enough, it was Saturos.
"Mwahahaha." He said, using no humor at all. "I shall kill Isaac while he sleeps, then make love to his girlfriend."
"Oh no you won't, you clothes-stealer, you!" Kraden stepped into the light also. His entire body and lower face were covered by the shadow caused by his enormous nose.
"Well, if it isn't Kraden. I thought you would have died of your grossly-swollen genital warts long ago."
"No, I'm alive and kicking. I will fight you, you evil, evil man!"
"Indeed you are kicking, my friend. In the OCEAN!" Saturos burst out laughing. So hysterical was his laughter, he continued doing it until he was bored, and stopped.
"That wasn't the slightest bit funny, you silly blue man. Now give me back my tweed suit."
For the first time, Saturos realized that Kraden wasn't wearing any clothes.
"OH DEAR SWEET MOTHER OF ALL THINGS DEAR AND SWEET!" Saturos covered his eyes, and blood poured from his ears. "YOU HAVE NO GENITA-"
"None of that, Saturos. We can't have the entire ship hearing those words." Kraden interrupted, and shoved some frilly knickers into Saturos' mouth. Unable to handle the flavour of Kraden's undergarments, Saturos' head exploded, showering the deck of the boat in bright confetti.
"Argh, my genital warts have taken their toll on my old body. It's time to go to the other place, old man! But before I die, I'll make up some crap and send the gang off on some pointless adventure." Kraden then pulled out his laptop, and wrote a quick email to Isaac. Then, he pulled a handgun out of his pocket and shot himself in the chest.
Except he missed and shot Mia instead, who was watching the entire thing.
"Argh." She said, and fell off the boat. Kraden shrugged, then turned the gun on himself.
You have mail, you blond haired mommies' boy.
Isaac threw his sword and impaled Flint, who was chirping in his ear.
"(Isaac used a certain four-letter word beginning with 'U' here. It is very rude.) you, you piece of (Isaac used it again. Shame on him.) .
Then Isaac's actual computer beeped annoyingly, so he read his emails.
"Free Penal enlargement for only 500 gold! Yes!" Isaac hooted, punching the air.
Then he read his other email.
"Oh dear." He said, without much conviction.
"I have an email that says that all the Bad Guys are back, and we have to stop them." Isaac spoke to the rest of the gang, including Mia, who was being resuscitated by Felix.
"I happen to agree, Jenna does have to die." Piers said forcefully, and thrust his mace through Jenna's chest, while everyone gaped crazily.
"That's not what I said." Isaac sighed. "We have to kill the BAD GUYS."
"And Jenna isn't a bad guy?"
"No Piers, she's on our side." Felix healed his sister tiredly.
"Now that that is covered, let's move on to our new quest.
"Yes, let's do that. It will be a great, fun adventure." Added Ivan, who felt like saying something, because he felt left out.
And they laughed until they stopped.
And so they sailed off to some mysterious island, where all the bad guys were waiting to kill them. Supposedly. But that all happens in the next chapter.