Missing Lilly
By Misha

Disclaimer- I don't own anything to do with "Veronica Mars", I really wish I did, but I don't. It belongs to Rob Thomas and the UPN. I'm not making any money off of this, so please don't sue me.

Author's Notes- I'm not sure how I feel about this story. I love song fics, but this one was harder than most. I fought writing it, even though I knew the song suited the story, but I still didn't want to write it. But in the end, I gave it to my muse and I'm not sure how I feel about the results. The song is "Ruby Tuesday" by the Rolling Stones and it's a song that has deep personal meaning for me and I'm sure some of that leaked into this story, that my own loss tainted the way I write about Veronica's loss. So, as I said, I'm not sure if it's any good or not, but it was incredibly difficult to write. Well, that's all, enjoy!

Dedication- To E.R.M, who collected shot glasses just like Lilly, from his "little Ruby Tuesday", who misses him even more than Veronica misses Lilly.

Summery- Lilly had lived fast and bright and Veronica wasn't sure she had ever really known her, but she knew that she missed her.

Spoilers- All of the first season.

Rating- PG-13

It's only now, after she's solved Lilly's murder that Veronica truly realizes the mystery that Lilly had been.

She had been Lilly's best friend, but there had been so much she hadn't known about Lilly. But then, that's the way Lilly would have preferred it.

Lilly liked being unpredictable.

Lilly came and went at her own pace, she did what she wanted and the rest of the world just had to accept that. Well, until Lilly doing whatever she wanted, lead to her laying on the ground with her head cracked open.

Still Veronica finds it sad, that it was only then, after Lilly was gone, that she got to really know Lilly.

Goodbye Ruby Tuesday, who could hang a name on you?
When you change with ev'ry new day
Still I'm gonna miss you

One thing that Veronica had known about Lilly before she died, was that Lilly's moods were fickle.

Her wants and demands changed on a whim. She changed constantly.

Veronica admired that in her best friend and back then had known that she was lacking those qualities.

Back then, Veronica had been very predictable. Her clothes, her hair, her relationship with Duncan, there was no mystery in any of it.

It was only after Lilly died that Veronica changed, without Lilly in her life, she became more like Lilly. Perhaps, it was her way of keeping a bit of Lilly in her life.

She didn't know. But she did know that she might not have known Lilly as well she thought she did, or ever have been able to predict anything about her, but she still missed her every day.

She always would.

Don't question why she needs to be so free
She'll tell you it's the only way to be
She just can't be chained to a
Life where nothing's gained and nothing's lost at such a cost
Goodbye Ruby Tuesday, who could hang a name on you?
When you change...

Even before Lilly's murder, Veronica had often wondered what made Lilly the way she was.

Why she had to break all the rules and so many hearts. Why she had to do it all her own way.

Veronica doubted that she'd ever really know for sure.

She knew that if Lilly were still here, or even if she could still hear her in her head, she'd just laugh and say that it was the only way to be.

Veronica knew that she wouldn't explain, because Lilly was never big on explanations, she just expected you to accept her as she was.

There was no chaining Lilly down to any stereotype, any specific role, no matter who hard Celeste Kane might have tried.

"There's no time to lose"
I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away

Lilly always used to tell Veronica to put herself out there more. Lilly had always wanted Veronica to escape her shell and show the world what she could be.

The irony was, that it wasn't until Lilly was gone that Veronica was able to do that.

She thought that Lilly would be proud of the person she's become. Maybe not proud of everything she's done, though Lilly certainly wasn't one to talk, but proud of her, just the same.

The thought made her smile and she's sure that wherever she is, Lilly's smiling too. Now that Veronica's realized that she really is more like strapless red satin, than pale prim pink princess.

Still, that's not the only thing she's learned from Lilly.

Lilly certainly taught her that life was fleeting and that you never knew when it was going to come to an end.

Dying all the time
Lose your dreams and you will lose your mind
Ain't life unkind?

Veronica knew there would never be a day when she didn't mourn for Lilly and for what was lost that day.

Lilly should have gotten a chance to grow up, to realize her dreams.

Lilly hadn't been perfect, far from it, in fact she had qualities that Veronica hated, but she had still loved Lilly. She still missed her every day and lamented Lilly's fate.

"Someday, I'm going to be a star, Veronica Mars, just you wait and see."

How many times had Lilly proclaimed that? Except, she never would be or maybe, she always had been.

Lilly had been like a star, shining bright and then fading fast, only touching their life for a brief moment. Somehow that suited her more than a long life would have.

Lilly had never been meant for old age and faded beauty, Veronica knew that.

But it still didn't make the pain of losing her any easier, to know that it had been meant to be.

Goodbye Ruby Tuesday, who could hang a name on you?
When you change with ev'ry new day
Still I'm gonna miss you

Veronica came to terms with who Lilly had been.

She hadn't been saint, but she hadn't been evil either. She had been human, flawed like the rest of them. None of the revelations really changed how Veronica had felt about Lilly, she was still her best friend.

She still missed her all the time, so many little things set her off.

In the mall, she would see a shot glass that Lilly would have loved and it was enough to bring her to tears. Or, she'd see a pair of boots that Lilly would go crazy for, or something that reminded of her time with Lilly.

She had lost her best friend and that pain was with her every day.

She might never have known the real Lilly, she's not sure any of them did, but she still missed her more than words could say.

After all, there would only ever be one Lilly Kane and she had been irresistible.

So, it was no surprise that Veronica was going to miss her until the day she died.

The End