Thoughts of A Life Unlived
By Michelle

Disclaimer- I don't own anything to do with "Veronica Mars", I really wish I did, but I don't. It belongs to Rob Thomas and the UPN. I'm not making any money off of this, so please don't sue me.

Author's Notes- My first completed Veronica Mars fic! I'm so excited. I love Veronica Mars, it's my new obsession. This is set a year after "Leave It to Beaver" and focuses on Veronica. This just sort of popped into my head and demanded to be written. It's a little strange, not the direction I intend to make my other stories (in the midst of being written) in, but I like it. I hope you will too. That's all, enjoy!

Pairings- Minor Duncan/Veronica, mentions of Logan/Lilly, Logan/Veronica, Weever/Lilly, Aaron/Lilly, Jake/Lianne.

Summery- Veronica can't help but dwell on thoughts of what life would have been like if Lilly had lived.

Rating- PG-13

Spoilers- Up to "Leave It to Beaver".

"The saddest words of tongue or pen are simply these: it might have been."
- John Greenleaf Whitter

Veronica knows it's not healthy to dwell on questions of "what if" or "if only". She knows how unhealthy the words "it might have been" really are. After all, the past can't be changed, can't be fragmented into something other than what it was, what it is.

However, that doesn't stop her from lingering over one particular question. What would have happened if Lilly had lived?

The Veronica of two years ago, had had a very clear answer. Back then, she had vehemently believed that if Lilly hadn't died, everything would have stayed perfect.

The Veronica that she is now can't believe that, she knows too much now to think it was ever perfect. Now she understands the imperfections, the secrets and betrayals that lurked under the surface.

Still, she often thinks about what might have been, if only...

She believes that Lilly would have cracked and ended up spilling the beans about the paternity question to Veronica. Of course she knows now that Lilly was very good at keeping secrets, but she thinks that one would have been too big for Lilly to resist.

Veronica knows she would have tearfully run to her dad for answers, back then she didn't keep things inside the way she does now, her father would have had the test done and the truth would have been out sooner.

Veronica is sure that she and Duncan would have reunited, because very little damage had been done by that point, and she was still desperately in love with him.

She belives that their love would have lasted through the end of high school and maybe into the first year of college and continued on as the misty, rose-coloured romance that it was, before dying a natural death. Their love would have remained perfect, the way that first love does, but it would never have endured.

She understands now that she and Duncan never had the depth of passion that true, everlasting love needs. It was too pure, too perfect for that. If Lilly had lived, she would have still learnt that lesson, but it would have taken longer and it would have been less painful.

If Lilly had lived, the night she had lost her virginity would not have been clouded in mystery and shame. It would not be a blur, a mockery of what should have been.

Instead, it would have been sweet and romantic and perfect. It still would have been Duncan, but she would have been able to remember it and he would have been there when she woke up the next morning. It would have been a memory that she'd always cherish, instead of something she tried to pretend, even to herself, never happened.

Lilly and Logan would not have reunited, she knows that for sure. She still doesn't know what Logan wrote in that letter, it's never been found and Logan won't tell her, but what she does know is enough to know that they were over.

Would Lilly's affair with Aaron come out? She hopes not, she hopes that Lilly wouldn't want to hurt Logan like that, but she can't be sure. Deep down, she thinks Lilly could be that cruel.

If it had come out, it would have torn their quartet apart forever, she knows that too. Right or wrong, she would have sided with Lilly, because back then she was blindly loyal.

So, she, Veronica, would still have lost Logan's friendship, for different reasons, though, but she would never have had him as a lover. There would be no finding each other again and finding something deeper, stronger than either of them had with Duncan and Lilly, respectively.

Duncan would have sided with Lilly too, because blood is thicker than water, so Duncan and Logan's friendship still would have ended over bitter words and harsh feelings, but of a different nature.

If Lilly had lived, Veronica would probably have never become friends with Wallace or Mac, because she still would have been cushioned within the 09er circle and would probably never have looked beyond it. She would never have been burned by the superficial, fickle ways of the 09er crowd and thus would have gone on believing that they were truly her friends.

Veronica knows that if Lilly had lived, there's no chance that she and Weevil would have been friends, not with his history with Lilly-a history she doesn't quite fully understand, even now. Besides, she doubts the time and place to be friends would have ever come around.

She thinks that her parents would still have broken up even if Lilly hadn't died-at least once the truth her of mother's betrayal became evident. If they had stayed together, it wouldn't have been happily, because all the problems were there before Lilly died.

The betrayal, the lies, her mom's addictions to the bottle and Jake Kane-they were always there, Lilly's death just brought it all to the surface and out in the open.

She thinks about all this as she prepares for graduation.

Almost three years have passed since Lilly died. A lot has changed in her life, but sometimes she still can't help but think what her life would be like with Lilly.

As she thinks about it, she can't help wonder if that life would be so much better after all? Once, she was convinced that it would be, but now... Now, she's not so sure.

Of course, she does know one thing for certain and that's that she'll never know for sure. Lilly's gone and she's not coming back.

She also knows that things happened the way they did for a reason. So, there's no point dwelling on what might have been. It wouldn't change anything and she's not certain she wants to.

Still, it's so hard to stop wondering 'if only'...

- The End