THE X-PLAYERS PRESENT

Macneto

A Shakespearean Parody By
R. John Burke

NOTICE:

The X-Men are a copyright of Marvel Comics. This is non-profit
fan fiction, no money is involved, and no infringement is intended.

ACT ONE

SCENE I

On the grounds of the XAVIER INSTITUTE. Enter the STEPFORD CUCKOOS, PHOEBE, MINDEE, and CELESTE:

CELESTE
Where shall we meet again? In thunder, lighting, or in rain?

MINDEE
Rain would ruin our clothes.

PHOEBE
When the hurlybury's done
When the battle's lost and won

MINDEE
"Hurlyburly" is so not a real word...

CELESTE
Where the place?

PHOEBE
Upon the heath! Oh,
There to meet with old Magneto.

MINDEE
So... not only are we rhyming now, we suck at it?

PHOEBE
Do you mind? This is hard!

CELESTE
You're being very difficult.

MINDEE
I'm sorry, but there's got to be a better rhyme for "Magneto."

PHOEBE & CELESTE
Such as?

MINDEE
Um... Cheetos?

PHOEBE & CELESTE
As if.

CELESTE
Just stick to the script.

PHOEBE
Fair is foul, and foul is fair
Hover through fog and filthy air!

MINDEE
This is lame. I need my own apartment.

SCENE II

A field near the mansion. Enter CHARLES XAVIER, SCOTT SUMMERS, KITTY PRYDE, LOGAN, and VARIOUS STUDENTS FROM XAVIER'S SCHOOL. They're all bruised and battered, as from a fight.

XAVIER
X-Men, report! What is our situation?

SCOTT
Aw, the humans are killing a whole bunch of us again.

XAVIER
Because we are mutants, no doubt.

LOGAN
Well, that and... I mighta got a few beers in me an' implied something about the Fantastic Four bein' inbred...

XAVIER
Logan!

LOGAN
Yeah, yeah, my bad.
(grumbles)
Ya start one little race war, an' everybody gets all uptight...

KITTY
Wouldn't you think humans would feel less threatened now that they know there's only 198 of us?

LOGAN
Maybe they're waitin' to read the trade paperback.

SCOTT
We have to stop this before it gets out of hand!

XAVIER
I agree, preferably without hurting them. Have you any suggestions?

SCOTT
Uh... actually my character's been neutered for so long, it's hard to say.

KITTY
I could phase through 'em! And that would be helpful because... um...
(pause, thinking)
Shoot. I've got nothin'.

Scott & Kitty having failed, they all look at Logan. He pops his claws-- SNIKT.

LOGAN
I don't really do "without hurting 'em."

XAVIER
This is getting us nowhere. Wait... here comes Gambit. Perhaps he has a suggestion.

Enter GAMBIT, at a run.

GAMBIT
Bonsoir, mes amis. Ze humahns, zey are falling back, tout de suite!

KITTY
Um... for the record? You know there's a difference between being Cajun and being regular French, right?

GAMBIT
Mah cheri, what does zis matair? Mah accent, she is bazic'ly unintelligible anyway, non?

KITTY
Whatever.

XAVIER
Why are they falling back, Gambit?

GAMBIT
Ah, mon Professor, zey retreat before ze awesome mojo of le grande Monsieur Magneto!

SCOTT
Isn't he de-powered?

XAVIER
Fortunately, the Earth's magnetic axis depolarized, reconstituting his genetic structure with a psychic bond to the Universal magnetic matrix.

SCOTT
Huh?

KITTY
We made up some stuff so he could get his powers back.

SCOTT
Oh.

XAVIER
It is now clear that Magneto has reformed for good and all...

LOGAN
Or at least 'till lunchtime.

XAVIER
...and it behooves us to honor him with great acclaim.

SCOTT
(after a beat)
Seriously?

XAVIER
Well, he is my best friend.

LOGAN
Who tried to kill me.

SCOTT
And me.

GAMBIT
And me.

KITTY
And me.

XAVIER
Soreheads. I'm off to plan a great, big "Thank You Magneto" party. Bring a suitable gift, or I'll take over your minds and make you reenact my favorite episode of "Bonanza."

He EXITS in a huff.

LOGAN
Great. I'll prob'ly hafta be Little Joe again. I need a beer.

SCOTT
You just drank several beers.

LOGAN
They're lonely.

EXIT Logan. The others look 'round at each other...

GAMBIT
(to Kitty)
Come wiz me to ze Casbah.

KITTY
Aw, save it for Rogue...

SCENE III.

A heath... somewhere. Enter the STEPFORD CUCKOOS. MINDEE is carrying several bags.

PHOEBE
Where hast thou been, sister?

MINDEE
The mall.

CELESTE
I thought it was "killing swine?"

MINDEE
That sounded totally gross, so I ditched it. But I bought shoes! Wanna see?

CELESTE & PHOEBE
Oooh!

While they're preoccupied, ENTER MAGNETO & MYSTIQUE, fresh from the battle.

MAGNETO
So foul and fair a day I have not seen.

MYSTIQUE
I have. It was back in '45. I was hired by the Allies to kill Hitler... or was I hired by the Axis to kill Churchill? I forget. Anyway, it was a cloudy day, but not as cloudy as this, and...

MAGNETO
What did I say that sounded like "Tell me your absurdly complex life's story?"

MYSTIQUE
Just making a point. What have we here?

Mystique directs Magneto's attention to the Cuckoos, who are still picking through Mindee's bags...

PHOEBE
Ooh! I've been looking for boots like these! I want!

MINDEE
Fight you for 'em on the astral plane.

PHOEBE
Nah. Maybe if they were in red...

MAGNETO
What nonsense is this?

MYSTIQUE
They all look alike. Are we sure one of them isn't me?

MINDEE
Oh, like you could ever wear these pumps, Smurfette.

CELESTE
Oh, wait, we've got a message for you.
(clears her throat)
All hail Magneto, Master of Magnetism!

PHOEBE
All hail Magneto, Headmaster of the Xavier Institute!

MINDEE
All hail Magneto! You'll, like, rule the world and stuff!

MYSTIQUE
He will? Him? The guy with the freaky space helmet? That Magneto?

MAGNETO
It could happen!

MYSTIQUE
Suuuurreee... what about me? I suppose I'm Queen of England?

CELESTE
Hail!

PHOEBE
Hail!

MINDEE
Hail!

MYSTIQUE
(holding out her hand)
Nah, I'd say maybe it'll rain a little, but no...

CELESTE
Lesser than Magneto, and greater!

PHOEBE
Not so happy, yet much happier!

MINDEE
This stuff still doesn't rhyme.
(beat)
You totally won't rule the world...

MYSTIQUE
Dang! I never get to rule the world!

CELESTE
...but your children might.

MYSTIQUE
Really? Wait, which kid? The blue, fuzzy one or the screwed-up Southern tart? Or the militant racist?

MINDEE
Reply hazy; try again later.

CELESTE
So all hail, Magneto and Mystique!

PHOEBE
Leaders of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants!

MINDEE
Which, by the way, is rotten PR...

ALL CUCKOOS
Mystique and Magneto, all hail!

They DISAPPEAR in a FLASH OF TELEPATHIC LIGHT.

MYSTIQUE
Well, that was weird...

MAGNETO
I'll say. They mixed up our billing, that last time!

MYSTIQUE
Do you think you'll really rule the world?

MAGNETO
Of course I will! And after me, your children will rule the world!

MYSTIQUE
Wait, but... that only makes sense if...

They both look at each other, get the same idea, and shudder.

MAGNETO & MYSTIQUE
EWW!

MYSTIQUE
Maybe I just depose you or something.

MAGNETO
Let us hope. But wait... before I can rule the world, they said I have to run the Xavier Institute. And that's about as likely to happen as...

Enter GAMBIT.

GAMBIT
Ah, Monsieur Le Big Cheese Magneto! Monsieur Xavier bids me welcome you to ze Westchestair, ahn say merci beacoup for your courage in ze day's battle, for ze protection of ze innocent from ze humahn hordes.

MAGNETO
Oh, that? Actually, I just like killing people.

MYSTIQUE
It's his hobby. I suggested collecting butterflies, but nooooo...

GAMBIT
Close enough. Monsieur Xavier, he would like to thahnk you persahnally, at ze dinnair zis evening. Dress is formal; bring ze best Spandex.

EXIT GAMBIT.

MAGNETO
Hmm. Perhaps those very strange children were onto something after all. If I can work my way into control of Xavier's school, the prophecy of my world domination may yet come to pass! What d'you think, Mystique? Mystique...?

But Mystique is staring after Gambit...

MYSTIQUE
D'you think, if I impersonated my daughter, I could con him into sleeping with me?

Magneto stares at her:

MAGNETO
Never touch me without gloves on.

They EXIT.

SCENE IV

The XAVIER INSTITUTE. Enter XAVIER, SCOTT, KITTY, A moment later, enter LOGAN, with claws bared.

LOGAN
Well, I killed the worst of the rioters.

XAVIER
Logan! I only asked you to see to them! I meant...

LOGAN
Should'a been more specific.

He brushes past them, en route to the kitchen. Scott calls to him...

SCOTT
We're out of beer!

LOGAN
I'll make more.

EXIT LOGAN. ENTER GAMBIT, MAGNETO, and MYSTIQUE, on Gambit's arm.

XAVIER
Ah, Erik, there you are. I wanted to thank you myself for your valor this afternoon. The
X-Men owe you a debt.

MAGNETO
Yes, they... I mean, think nothing of it, Charles. What are old friends for?

KITTY
From past experience? Wiping each other's minds, crushing each other bodily, killing each other's protege's...

MAGNETO
Clearly, my dear, you have mistaken "male bonding" for genuine aggression.

KITTY
I bet.

XAVIER
And Mystique! We are no less in your debt! Come, let me infold thee and hold me to my heart!

MYSTIQUE
Whoa, back off, old man! What d'you think this is, the Ultimate universe?

KITTY
Um... he meant "hello." This is Shakespeare. We talk funny.

MYSTIQUE
I knew that.
(to Gambit)
Come, Remy... let me infold thee and hold thee to my heart.

They EXIT. Kitty, watching them, shudders violently...

KITTY
'Scuse me, I hafta go... gouge my eyes out...

She PHASES THROUGH THE FLOOR and is gone. Xavier misses only a beat:

XAVIER
Well, I hope you'll accept my invitation and stay for dinner, Erik.

MAGNETO
Certainly, Charles! I'd be happy to usurp... I mean, sup with you.

XAVIER
That's settled, then. Feel free to bring the wife!

MAGNETO
Have you forgotten, Charles? My wife ran off forty years ago because I was just. that. evil.

XAVIER
Erm... yes. Well, bring a date, then! It's a particularly special occasion. I'm appointing Scott here to run the Institute after I'm gone.

MAGNETO
You mean this mealy-mouthed, myopic, do-gooding...
(catches himself)
Err, charming boy? How delightful!

SCOTT
Yeah. I can feel the love.

MAGNETO
Scott, my boy, you misinterpret me! It will be a kill-- I mean, I thrill-- to witness your big moment.

SCOTT
Bite me. Well, I'm off to my inappropriate affair with a mostly-evil telepathic skank. In my defense, she's really hot.

EXIT SCOTT and XAVIER. MAGNETO has the stage for a moment...

MAGNETO
You know, some days you have to work at being evil, and other days it comes right to you. A date, eh, Charles? I'll bring a date you'll never forget... largely because she comes back from the dead every other issue. World domination will be mine! MIIIIIINEEEE!
(beat, calms himself)
But really, no, I'm a very sympathetic villain. I even like bunny rabbits. BWAHAHA... I mean, ha.

SCENE V.

A GRAVEYARD on the grounds of the Institute. ENTER JEAN GRAY, in a BURST OF PHOENIX- FLAME.

JEAN
Gin! I've got you this time, Uncle Ben, I've... um, where are the cards?
(beat)
Aw hell, have I been resurrected again?

Enter MAGNETO.

MAGNETO
Sorry, Jean. I really need a date.

JEAN
Didn't you, um, kill me and stuff?

MAGNETO
Let's not hold grudges, my dear. I offer you world domination.

JEAN
Been there, done that, got a little piece of Antarctica for a souvenir. Now, do you mind? Bucky was playing winners.

MAGNETO
Hrm. I thought for sure the world-domination thing would work. It always does on me.

JEAN
Yeah, well, that's how it goes, baby. I'm a good guy.

MAGNETO
Have I mentioned it's the perfect chance to repay your two-timing husband for falling into bed with your arch-enemy?

JEAN
I'm a semi-good guy. What's the plan?

Magneto whispers in her ear as they EXIT.

SCENE VI

XAVIER'S MANSION, a corridor on the way to the dining room. ENTER XAVIER, SCOTT, KITTY, LOGAN, MYSTIQUE, ROGUE, EMMA FROST, and GAMBIT.

MYSTIQUE
Nice place you got here. If the evil thing doesn't work out, I might just...

LOGAN
Don't call us, we'll call you.

EMMA
Besides, I'm the only reformed villainess who's allowed to exploit their good graces.

ROGUE
Actually, I did a stint with the Brotherhood...

EMMA
Shut up.

MYSTIQUE
(squeezing Gambit's arm)
Come, Remy. I want to make sure I'm seated right next to you...

GAMBIT
Ah, tres belle mademoiselle, it shall be my pleas-aire...

ROGUE
Um, Remy, don't it bother y'all that she's, like, my mother?

GAMBIT
Clearly you are not French.

ROGUE
For the last time, neither are you!

GAMBIT
What's your point?

EXIT Remy, arm-in-arm with Mystique.

ROGUE
Should I kill him now, or wait 'till after dinner?

EMMA
After, dear. Now would be awkward.

ENTER JEAN GREY.

EMMA (CONT'D)
But not as awkward as this. Jean, darling! How are you?

JEAN
Not as dead as I used to be.

EMMA
Pity
(beat)
I mean, it suits you!

XAVIER
I knew we should have found Erik a date ourselves...

LOGAN
Hey, I offered to set 'im up.

XAVIER
Logan, all your friends are killers.

LOGAN
Right. Problem solved.

EMMA
But really, Jean, I do admire you. Not every woman could come back from the dead and immediately look so... healthy. And how courageous you are, to wear that outfit!

JEAN
(to Scott)
You really picked her over me?

SCOTT
You should talk! You're dating Magneto! AND you telepathically put us together!

JEAN
Well, that was when I was dead and noble. Now I'm all Dark Phoenixy.

LOGAN
Y'know, Jeannie, now that you're playin' the field...

SCOTT
Oh, please! The last thing we need right now is another love triangle!

KITTY
If there are four of you, isn't that a love rectangle?

ROGUE
This party's gonna have booze, right? Tell me we have booze.

XAVIER
I devoutly hope so...

They EXIT, toward the dining room.

SCENE VII.

A chamber outside the dining room. MAGNETO pacing back and forth. Enter JEAN.

MAGNETO
If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well
It was done quickly...

JEAN
I didn't understand that, and my intellect encompasses the Universe.

MAGNETO
Oh, I'm just having one of those dramatically-convenient moments of decency. Perhaps we shouldn't kill Charles. After all, he is my best friend.

JEAN
Excuse me... aren't you the guy who once crushed his own son?

MAGNETO
In an alternate reality!

JEAN
It still counts.

MAGNETO
But... I mean... if I kill Charles, I won't be sympathetic anymore! I like being sympathetic!

JEAN
Yeah, I know, the bunny rabbits.

MAGNETO
They're fuzzy!

JEAN
Look... you've seriously got to pull it together and get in there before I transmogrify Emma into a lhasa apso. This is a great evil plan, and I won't have it mucked up by your cold feet. I'd rather dash my infant child's brains out than go back on this now!

MAGNETO
Is that in the text?

Jean pulls out a copy of Shakespeare's manuscript and rifles through it.

JEAN
Right here, see? I paraphrased.

MAGNETO
Charming. Cable will be so proud.

JEAN
Well, c'mon, he's my clone's kid anyway. How much would I really miss him?

MAGNETO
I still don't know, Jean... maybe we should just join hands 'round the fire, sing a round of kumbaya...

Jean SMACKS HIM.

JEAN
Geez, what kind of evil mutant overlord ARE you? When I killed five billion people, did I stop to whine about it? No, I darn well went out and INCINERATED that planet! Just for the heck of it! THAT's evil! Do you think Doctor Doom would hesitate at a time like this?

MAGNETO
I'm starting to perceive a possible reason why Scott picked Emma...

JEAN
I have issues, okay? Just get over it and kill your friend!

MAGNETO
Oh, very well. But let's get it over with. "Skating with Celebrities" is on in an hour, and I don't intend to miss it.

JEAN
You watch reality TV? Maybe you're eviler than I thought...

ACT TWO

SCENE I

Outside the mansion. NIGHTCRAWLER sits outside. ENTER MYSTIQUE.

MYSTIQUE
Well... that went well.

NIGHTCRAWLER
The way I heard it, Jean and Emma got into a catfight during dessert and Rogue punched Gambit through a wall, while Logan and Magneto played "keep-away" with Scott's visor.

MYSTIQUE
Like I said, fun evening.

NIGHTCRAWLER
Ah, to have been there...

ENTER MAGNETO.

MYSTIQUE
There you are, Erik! Have you met my son... um, whatshisname?

MAGNETO
Oh, probably. He's one of the minor characters, isn't he?

NIGHTCRAWLER
Minor! I've had my own miniseries! THREE of them!

MAGNETO
Oh, big deal, so has Dazzler. What d'you hear from her lately?

NIGHTCRAWLER
I don't have to take this! In the Munich circus, I was a star!

MYSTIQUE
Besides, he's going to rule the world someday. The weird kids said so.

MAGNETO
Ah, right. Forgot about that. You know... I'm booked solid for a while. How about I try to kill you a week from Wednesday? Say, twoish?

Nightcrawler flips through his address book...

NIGHTCRAWLER
No, no, I think I'm at lunch with the Shi'ar then. How about... Ach du leiber! What am I saying!

MAGNETO
Oh, relax! I'm only joking! You know, that infamous supervillain humor everyone's so fond of! The Joker, the Riddler... it's a whole genre! For example, I'm certainly not on my way now to kill your mentor and seize unlimited power to accomplish my own twisted designs, but wouldn't it be funny if I were?

NIGHTCRAWLER
Erm... no.

MAGNETO
Then why am I laughing?

He keeps giggling to himself, as Nightcrawler and Mystique slowly back away...

NIGHTCRAWLER
He's a very strange man.

MYSTIQUE
I think that whole de-aging thing messed with his mind.

They EXIT. Enter JEAN.

JEAN
All right, everything's set. Go ahead and do it. I've brainwashed two third-rate characters into thinking they killed Charles.

MAGNETO
Which ones?

JEAN
Marrow and Maggot. They were icky.

MAGNETO
Are they even on the team anymore?

JEAN
I brainwashed everyone into thinking they are.

MAGNETO
How do I know you didn't brainwash me into thinking you'd brainwashed them to think they killed him? Or into thinking that I thought you might brainwash me into thinking they killed him?

JEAN
Maybe I did.

MAGNETO
I hate telepaths. Well, I'm off...

He EXITS, whistling a jaunty tune. A moment later, there is an ENORMOUS OFFSCREEN CLANG. ENTER, at a run, SCOTT, LOGAN, EMMA, KITTY, ROGUE, and NIGHTCRAWLER.

SCOTT
What happened?

KITTY
A giant metal beam fell from out of nowhere and crushed the Professor!

ROGUE
Almost as though the murderer could control magnetic forces in some way!

NIGHTCRAWLER
Unglaublich!

SCOTT
Yeah. The conclusion is obvious.
(long beat)
Curse that Marrow!

ROGUE
Never liked 'er.

LOGAN
I'm gonna honor Chuck's memory with a beer.

They all EXIT. ENTER Magneto, still whistling.

MAGNETO
You're good.

JEAN
Thank you. How's the guilt coming?

MAGNETO
Oh, I'm dealing. Really, after a certain number of genocidal acts, you get desensitized to it all. You know what I mean?

JEAN
I know. Every now and then the Shi'ar still come whining to me... mass murderer this and fate of the Universe that. Finally I just told 'em to stuff it. I mean, a gal can only take so much. Which reminds me, I'm off to scatter Emma's consciousness across the icy void of space while burning her each and every molecule in unquenchable fire. Nitey night.

EXIT JEAN. Magneto stands there for a minute.

MAGNETO
Have you ever had a first date that just really, really clicked?

SCENE II.

XAVIER'S MANSION, in the kitchen, where LOGAN is sitting, having a beer. Enter ROGUE and BISHOP.

BISHOP
So... let me get this straight. The Professor was killed by a giant piece of metal. With Magneto in the next room.

ROGUE
Yup.

BISHOP
And now Scott and Emma have skipped town, leaving behind a note that said... what'd it say, again?

ROGUE
"Dear Gang: Fleeing for our lives from a giant bird-shaped flame creature. Back later if we survive. Love n' kisses, Scottie an' Em."

BISHOP
Uh-HUH. And nobody thinks this is... unusual in any way?

LOGAN
'Round here, bub, we call that "Thursday."

BISHOP
I don't know, maybe it's my roots as a futuristic cop, but I'm finding this a tiny bit suspicious.

ROGUE
You think maybe Marrow an' Maggot had themselves an accomplice?

BISHOP
You might say that...

ROGUE
Somebody... with power over metal... an' maybe even a telepath!

BISHOP
Keep going...

ROGUE
Polaris an' Psylocke!

BISHOP
Ooh. SO close.

ROGUE
By the way, did you guys hear they're puttin' Magneto an' Jean in charge of the school?

LOGAN
Maggs runnin' things? Like that worked so well in the 80's...

ROGUE
Well, a lot's happened since then... Rick Springfield was popular... Storm had a mohawk. It was a different time.

BISHOP
This is pretty heavy.

LOGAN
I know. Wanna beer?

BISHOP
(checking the fridge)
You drank them all.

LOGAN
Was a rhetorical question.

ACT THREE

SCENE I

A room in the Institute. ENTER MYSTIQUE, GAMBIT, & NIGHTCRAWLER.

NIGHTCRAWLER
For the last time, no, I don't care if we can bring order to the Galaxy! I won't join the Dark Side!

GAMBIT
You should, mon ami. Ze health plan, she is tres magnifique!

MYSTIQUE
Heads up, boys, here comes the boss...

ENTER MAGNETO, JEAN, LOGAN, and KITTY. Kitty BLOWS A TRUMPET.

KITTY
Announcing His Royal Majesty, Leader of the X-Men, the New Mutants, Generation X, X-Force, and whatever crappy spinoff book we're pushing this week... the one, the only, direct from Asteroid M, let's give him a big hand, folks, your arch-enemy and mine, The Master of Magnetism himself... Magneto!
(mutters)
I so totally hate my life.

LOGAN
I hear ya, kid.

KITTY
Aw, whatta you know? Jean's first act as X-Queen was to make you part of her harem.

LOGAN
(big grin)
Okay, so it ain't without its perks, but...

MAGNETO
Logan!

LOGAN
(groans)
Right away, sir.

Wordlessly, Magneto holds a BOTTLE OF SODA out at arm's length. Logan groans, POPS HIS CLAWS, and slices the cap off.

MAGNETO
Well done, flunky. You may go.

LOGAN
(under his breath)
If I didn't have metal bones, ya rat-faced...

MAGNETO
What was that?

KITTY
He's just basking in your glory, sir. C'mon, Wolvie... let's go hang out at the Avengers Mansion.

LOGAN
Can't. Aunt May says I've slipped beneath the dress code.

KITTY
Ouch.

LOGAN
I'll just grab a beer here...

KITTY
Didn't you get the memo? Magneto instituted prohibition yesterday.

LOGAN
Okay, now it's war...

Exit LOGAN and KITTY.

MYSTIQUE
Wow, Erik, I have to hand it to you. Your Evil Plan really worked this time.

JEAN
(clears her throat)
Excuse me. Whose evil plan?

MYSTIQUE
Yeah, yeah. Nice goin', your Phoenixness.
(mutters)
Sheesh. Converts...
(to Magneto)
Seriously, though, I can't wait for my children to rule after you. I think I'll make a dazzling Queen Mother, don't you...?

MAGNETO
Erm, yes, about that... you wouldn't mind stepping out for a moment while I plot your gruesome demise, would you?

MYSTIQUE
Oh, like I'm stupid enough for that.

JEAN
Actually you are. It says so in the script.

MYSTIQUE
What! Get me Claremont on the phone!

MAGNETO
Just go. I promise, you can plot against me next time.

MYSTIQUE
(sighs)
All right, but that had better be a 12-part series, spanning three titles, with Sentinels and a Galactus cameo and a hardcover printing... the works.

JEAN
Beat it!

MYSTIQUE
Very well. Come, Remy.

GAMBIT
Erm... apologies, mah petit, but as you are now... 'ow you say? "Out the ons..."
(cozies up to Jean)
Mah belle, have you room for one more in ze harem, s'il vous plait?

JEAN
Hmm... maybe. You could fight Logan for it.

GAMBIT
(eyes wide)
Excuse moi... I think ah hear mah dear momma calling...

EXIT GAMBIT, at a run. Mystique CALLS AFTER HIM...

MYSTIQUE
You're an orphan, you twit! Come back here...

EXIT MYSTIQUE, after him.

MAGNETO
At last. Jean, show the, erm, gentlemen in, won't you?

At Jean's telepathic summons, enter SABRETOOTH and THE BLOB.

MAGNETO (CONT'D)
I thought you lost your powers.

BLOB
Big deal, so did you.

MAGNETO
Yes, but I'm the Master of Magnetism. Everyone knew I'd get my powers back someday. You're pretty much permanently thin.

BLOB
Unless I eat you.

MAGNETO
Welcome to the team, son. Now, here's what I want you to do...

SCENE II.

The Institute, as before. MAGNETO, JEAN, SABERTOOTH, and the BLOB present.

JEAN
Isn't this the same scene?

MAGNETO
Erm, yes, but the author accidentally left you in the last scene too long. Now there's no need for this scene, so we'll just extend the last scene a little longer. Understand?

JEAN
No.

MAGNETO
Me, neither.
(to Sabertooth & Blob)
But I want Mystique should sleep with the fishes, capice?

SABERTOOTH
Wait-- I'm not here to kill the runt?

MAGNETO
Is that a problem?

SABERTOOTH
It's just... I always get to fight Wolverine! It's my entire purpose, really.

MAGNETO
You can kill him later.

SABERTOOTH
But-- I dunno-- what's my motivation?

Jean's hands glow with Phoenix-flame.

JEAN
Not winding up as a bucket of Kentucky-fried kitty?

SABERTOOTH
I can make that work.

BLOB
She's as good as dead. The elf, too.

MAGNETO
Don't forget Rogue.

BLOB
Hey, hang on. She's a little out of our league. She's all invulnerable and stuff. Unhurtable, too.

MAGNETO
Not anymore. Now she just has Sunfire's powers.

BLOB
No kiddin'! I have got to make time to read some back-issues...

SABERTOOTH
Just come on.

EXIT SABERTOOTH and BLOB.

JEAN
Of course, I could have just rewritten Mystique's brain 'till she thinks she's a rodeo clown named "Carlos."

MAGNETO
Come to that, I could have killed her much more easily myself. But what's the fun of evil despotism if you don't use your minions?

JEAN
Fair enough.

SCENE III.

On the grounds of the Xavier Institute. Enter SABERTOOTH, BLOB, and PYRO.

BLOB
How come there was two of us in the last scene, and now there's three?

PYRO
Aw, don't fret, chum. It happens in the play, too.

SABERTOOTH
Besides, when have we ever turned down a chance for a meaningless cameo?

PYRO
Us B-List villains gotta live too, y'know.

BLOB
Whatever. Here they come...

ENTER MYSTIQUE and NIGHTCRAWLER. Sabertooth and Pyro hide behind trees. The Blob disguises himself as a particularly big rock.

NIGHTCRAWLER
Do you think they've had enough time to set up our murders, yet?

MYSTIQUE
Let's give them another few minutes. Remember we're dealing with remarkably incompetent tyrants here.

NIGHTCRAWLER
True, true.
(climbing onto Blob's shoulders)
I'll just rest on top of this... hideously ugly... erm, super-villain.
(beat)
This is not good...

Blob grabs him.

BLOB
'Member me?

NIGHTCRAWLER
I'd much rather not.

BAMF. And he's gone. Mystique looks around as the three villains close in on her...

MYSTIQUE
Fine. Sure. Leave your mother here. Alone. With the killers. Rogue would have rescued me...

BAMF. Nightcrawler's hanging off a nearby tree limb.

NIGHTCRAWLER
Yes, well, Rogue's invulnerable.

BLOB
No, she ain't.

NIGHTCRAWLER
She's not?

BLOB
Check yer back issues.

MYSTIQUE
Well, she still would have tried! Why can't you be more like your sister?

NIGHTCRAWLER
Ach, not this again...

MYSTIQUE
You never write, you never call.

NIGHTCRAWLER
When I do, you try to kill me.

MYSTIQUE
That's my way of showing maternal affection, you ungrateful brat!

NIGHTCRAWLER
Uh-huh. Auf weidersehen.

BAMF. Mystique's by herself again. She strikes a "Rebecca Romaijn-from-the-movie" pose.

MYSTIQUE
All right. Who needs him? Bring it on.

PYRO
Unfortunately fer you, luv, this ain't "The Matrix."

FWOOSH. A burst of flame reaches out for Mystique...

SCENE IV.

XAVIER'S MANSION. A dinner party with, among others, MAGNETO, JEAN, LOGAN, KITTY, and GAMBIT.

MAGNETO
...so I said to Doctor Octopus, "Sure, Alfred Molina wasn't bad, but I was played by Sir Ian McKellen"...

KITTY
I was a bunch'a people. Now I'm some chick from "Lost." It's kinda freaky.

GAMBIT
At least you were in the movies, petit.

ENTER SABERTOOTH.

SABERTOOTH
(top of his lungs)
Well, we offed Mystique for ya. See, I'm covered in her blood.

Everyone stares at him. A beat passes.

SABERTOOTH (CONT'D)
Is this a bad time?

SNIKT. Logan lunges for him...

KITTY
Wolvie, get back here! Mystique's not even on our side!

LOGAN
Who cares? I haven't had a beer all day and I'm cranky.

They fight, fulfilling our contractual obligation.

Finally, JEAN LEVITATES THEM BOTH to opposite sides of the room.

JEAN
ENOUGH! You're ruining people's appetites.

MAGNETO
As long as you're here, you might as well finish your report. How did it go with Nightcrawler?

SABERTOOTH
Who? Oh, yeah, Legolas... uh, he escaped.

KITTY
EXCUSE me? Do you have to discuss your evil plans right here in front of everybody? It's tacky.

JEAN
(waves her hand)
What evil plans?

KITTY
Um... I forget.
(grumbles)
Lousy Jedi Mind Trick... this "All-Powerful Phoenix" gag is gettin' old...

GAMBIT
Aht least you are not reduced to being sleazy ahnd talking in a bad ahcent, cheri.

KITTY
And poor Wolvie's gotta mention beer in every single scene...

LOGAN
Nah, that was all me. You think I'd be in this parody sober?

MAGNETO
(to Sabertooth)
Go. Shoo. Find Nightcrawler.

Jean releases the combatants. Exit SABERTOOTH.

KITTY
What? He's gonna do something to Kurt!

JEAN
(waves her hand)
Who's Kurt, dear?

KITTY
Um... I forget.
(grumbles)
Cheater!

JEAN
Shut up and finish your brussels sprouts.

They all return to the table... Magneto stops. A ghostly MYSTIQUE sits in his chair.

MAGNETO
All right, who's the wise guy?

KITTY
Huh?

MAGNETO
So... nobody else sees the ghost of my murdered associate sitting there, mocking me?

KITTY
Um... no?

GAMBIT
Her attire, is it... how you say? Revealing?

KITTY
Remy!

GAMBIT
It never hurts to ask.

MAGNETO
Incredible. I must feel so guilty over the murder of my friends that I'm hallucinating.

JEAN
Nah, it's an astral projection. I'm just screwing with you.

She waves her hand, and MYSTIQUE DISAPPEARS. The diners LAUGH.

MAGNETO
That's not funny.

KITTY
Welcome to my life...

SCENE IV.

The heath near Xaviers. ENTER THE STEPFORD CUCKOOS, conversing with the astral projection of an enraged EMMA FROST.

EMMA
I'll kill you! I'll boil each of you in oil! I'll rip out your little arms and beat you over the heads with them! I'll wipe each of your minds and turn you into Snap, Crackle, and Pop! Or worse, a girl band! That'll teach you!

CELESTE
You seem upset.

EMMA
You little brats! How dare you put Magneto up to this?

PHOEBE
For kicks, mostly.

CELESTE
And by the way? Witches in Shakespeare are supposed to rhyme.

MINDEE
I think it's stupid, too.

EMMA
You want a rhyme? How's this:
Roses are red, this play is a farce
Put this a'right, or I'll kick your sweet...

CELESTE
We'll talk to Magneto in the morning.

PHOEBE
First thing.

MINDEE
Well, after we hit the mall. There's a sale at the Gap.

EMMA
Good girls.
(looks over her shoulder)
Oops, Phoenix is back. Lovely chatting. Must run.

She DISAPPEARS.

PHOEBE
There's really a sale at the Gap?

MINDEE
Fifty percent off!

PHOEBE & CELESTE
Sweet!

SCENE VI.

A room in the Mansion. Enter LOGAN & BISHOP.

LOGAN
This Magneto thing is gettin' old. Tell me we got a plan.

BISHOP
I'm on it. Scott, Emma, and Rogue are regrouping at the Baxter Building-- the Thing says he's gonna clobber you next time you meet, by the way. I don't even want to know. Meanwhile, we've got people looking for Nightcrawler, and all we have to do is hold down the fort here 'till the time is right to strike.

LOGAN
(sharpening his claws)
Can't wait.

BISHOP
I'm impressed, Logan. After all, here you've got Scott out of the way and Jean all to yourself... and you still want to do the right thing. You've grown as a person.

LOGAN
Well, the way I figure it...
("balancing scales" gesture)
I can have the woman I've loved ever since the first moment I met her, or I can have... beer.

BISHOP
I saw that coming.

ACT FOUR

SCENE I.

A CAVE near the Xavier estate. ENTER THE STEPFORD CUCKOOS.

CELESTE
Thrice the brindled cat hath mewed...

MINDEE
Enough with the weirdness! I'm not in the mood!

PHOEBE
Thrice; and once the hedge-pig whin'd

MINDEE
Is everyone in this thing out of their mind?

CELESTE
Harpier calls, "'Tis time, 'tis time,"

MINDEE
Argh! Now even I've started talking in rhyme!

CELESTE
Aren't we supposed to be stirring a cauldron?

PHOEBE
That's, like, so 17th Century!

From the wall of the cave, a MICROWAVE DINGS. Phoebe removes a steaming paper bag and offers it

to the others...

PHOEBE
Popcorn?

MINDEE
I'll see what's on pay-per-view.

CELESTE
Dibs on the comfy couch!

ENTER MAGNETO.

CELESTE (CONT'D)
...or, we could stick around an' talk to the crazy guy.

ALL CUCKOOS
Lame...

MAGNETO
How now, you secret, black, and midnight hags!

CELESTE
Is he allowed to talk to us like that?

PHOEBE
What a total loser.

MINDEE
I'll burn his cauldron for him...

MAGNETO
Peace! I've come to ask about my future!

CELESTE
Whatever...

PHOEBE
This won't take long, will it?

MINDEE
"Survivor: Genosha" is on in five.

MAGNETO
You don't understand, the future of the world may be at-- ooh, Genosha? Have they voted Callisto off the island yet?
(catches himself)
Oh, never mind, I've got it TiVo'd. What about the future?

CELESTE
Welllll...

PHOEBE
We really shouldn't.

MINDEE
Ladies... four minutes.

ALL CUCKOOS
Oh... okay.

MAGNETO
Outstanding! Will you conjure strange visions using dragon's scales and sow's blood?

CELESTE
Gross.

PHOEBE
We don't really conjure stuff.

MINDEE
Just watch and learn.

A LARGE PLASMA SCREEN descends from the wall of the cave, and the Stepford Cuckoos PROJECT A TELEPATHIC IMAGE onto it with a fanfare...

MAGNETO
Nice! You've got surround-sound!

An image of CYCLOPS in battle appears.

CELESTE
Beware the one who's on the screen
Blasting thus with optic beams!

PHOEBE
Magneto, you must beware the one-eyed man! He's the one who really killed your wife!

MAGNETO
Wait... you're confusing me with "The Fugitive."

MINDEE
Whatever. Next.

An image of the WOODS AROUND XAVIER'S MANSION... the trees now barren, for it is Winter. Before our eyes, though, they turn green and flowers bloom.

PHOEBE
With confidence your powers weild
Magneto's strength shall never yield!

CELESTE
So fear not what the fates shall bring
Till Summers come before the spring!

MAGNETO
Ha! Summer come before spring... Impossible! That means I'll rule the world forever! And, um, EVER! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
(beat, pants)
You know, I'm sounding awfully Lex Luthor-ish in this story. Perhaps I need more sleep.

MINDEE
Don't get too cocky, bright eyes.

PHOEBE
We've still got one more thing to show you.

The screen displays Magneto in battle with all the X-Men, triumphing over his enemies.

CELESTE
Take it, Mindee!

MINDEE
Do I have to?

PHOEBE
You promised!

MINDEE
(sighs)
Now here's the news that's really, um, sweet-o
No X-Man born shall harm... Magneto.
(beat)
Sort of.

PHOEBE
Mindee!

MINDEE
That name is so hard to rhyme!

CELESTE
We'll work on it.

MAGNETO
(laughing his head off)
Ha! So NONE of them can hurt me? Not Cyclops or Rogue or the wind-rider or even that little nut with the claws? NONE?

MINDEE
(mumbling)
Offer not valid in all realities. The Stepford Cuckoos take no responsibility if our predictions result in bad stuff like death or another "Backstreet Boys" album.

MAGNETO
Then I've nothing to fear! I've... wait. I'll bet there's a catch. There's a catch, isn't there?

ALL CUCKOOS
He's on to us.

MAGNETO
I know! Clones! Isn't that right? A clone of an X-Man can hurt me?

PHOEBE
Nope.

CELESTE
You're good on the clone thing.

MAGNETO
Alternate dimensions? An X-Man from another dimension could kill me?

MINDEE
Oh, like they'd care!

PHOEBE & CELESTE
Get over yourself!

MAGNETO
Ghosts? Alien impersonators?

CELESTE
Nope.

PHOEBE
Nope.

MAGNETO
Um... hmm. What am I missing?

MINDEE
Oops, time for our show. Gotta go you know the way out bye.

In a FLASH, THE CUCKOOS disappear. Magneto is left staring at a blank screen.

MAGNETO
Magical replicas? Temporal shadows? There's GOT to be a catch... aw, look! These lucky li'l witches get HBO...

SCENE II.

The BAXTER BUILDING, where EMMA FROST is pacing back and forth. Enter GAMBIT.

GAMBIT
Ah, la Reine Blanche... as beautiful as ever, mah dear mademoiselle.

EMMA
How did you get in here? The Invisible Woman was supposed to be standing guard!

GAMBIT
(shrugs)
Ah did not see her.

EMMA
Well, shove off! Didn't you switch to Magneto's side?

GAMBIT
Truth be told, mademoiselle, ah have switched sides so many times, ah no longer remember. But ah bring a message from Monsieurs Logan and Bishop.

EMMA
I'd rather you could tell me what's become of Scott. I haven't seen him all day.

GAMBIT
Ah believe he and Monsieur Fantastique are... how you say? Outside "shooting ze hoops."

EMMA
Idiots. I have to do everything myself...

Suddenly, SABERTOOTH CRASHES THROUGH THE DOOR, claws bared.

SABERTOOTH
Avon calling.

GAMBIT
(looking from one to the other)
Feel free to take care of zis yourself, mademoiselle.

EMMA
(pointing over his shoulder)
Look! It's Mr. Sinister!

GAMBIT
(looking around)
Where!

She PUSHES HIM INTO SABERTOOTH'S ARMS and runs. The feral mutant lifts Gambit high over his head, prepared to strike. Gambit produces a deck from his sleeve and fans it out.

GAMBIT (CONT'D)
Err... pick a card?

SCENE III.

A WOOD near Xavier's. ENTER SCOTT & ROGUE.

SCOTT
Let us seek out some desolate shade and there weep our bosoms empty.

ROGUE
Err, thanks, but I ain't that much of a wuss.

SCOTT
I really just meant "Bummer." How are we going to take the school back from Magneto?

ROGUE
The old-fashioned way, sugar. We get us a full-page action spread an' a couple of timely one-liners, an' we knock his block off.

SCOTT
Uh-huh. Then what if Jean's still in... you know... a mood?

ROGUE
Y'all mean that planet-destroyin', woman-scorned, what-the-HELL-were-you-thinkin'-Scotty, Dark Phoenix kinda mood?

SCOTT
Yeah, that.

ROGUE
Can't help ya.

SCOTT
I suppose I could always assume a new name and move to Guam or something...

Enter EMMA, looking beat.

ROGUE
Aw, here's the lovely co-adulterer now. Hey, where's Remy at?

EMMA
He's... taking care of the cat.

SCOTT
We don't have a cat.

EMMA
Funny story...

BAMF. ENTER NIGHTCRAWLER, in their midst.

NIGHTCRAWLER
Is this the scene where we all stand around in preparation for the do-gooding? Am I late?

ROGUE
Perfect timing, sugar. Anybody wanna provide uswith a spiffy catchphrase to set up the cliffhanger for the final act?

SCOTT
"It's clobberin' time?"

EMMA
"Avengers: Assemble?"

NIGHTCRAWLER
"Hulk smash?"

ROGUE
Close enough.

ACT FIVE

SCENE I.

A chamber in the X-Mansion. ENTER KITTY and MOIRA MACTAGGART.

KITTY
Just for my information... you're supposed to be dead, right?

MOIRA
Phoenix resurrected me. Franz Schubert, too. Apparently she really wanted to know how that symphony was supposed to end.

KITTY
What was it like?

MOIRA
Disappointing. I dinna know, maybe 'twas the two hundred years of buildup, but...

KITTY
I meant the being dead.

MOIRA
Ach, stick around, lass. If they have'na killed an' resurrected you yet, they'll get around to it.

KITTY
This is so weird.

MOIRA
Well, after all, 'tis the Scottish play, and I am the token Scot. So... why else am I here?

KITTY
Oh. Jean keeps sleepwalking.

MOIRA
Undoubtedly 'tis the guilt of her true spirit, battling against the cruelty of the Phoenix persona!

KITTY
Whatever. That's not the problem.

MOIRA
What is?

KITTY
Well... when she sleepwalks, her powers go a little wonky.

ENTER JEAN, in a "Dark Phoenix" nighty. With a dramatic gesture...

JEAN
Out, damned spot! Out, I say!

ALL THE SPOTS FLY OFF THE WALLPAPER and walk out the door under their own power.

KITTY
See?

MOIRA
Ach, we'd better wake her.

JEAN
Fie, my lord, fie! A soldier, and afear'd? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account?

Kitty turns to Moira, who is now wearing a BIG RED CLOWN NOSE and wig thanks to Jean's random power bursts.

KITTY
Yeah. She's gone totally Scarlet Witch on us.

MOIRA
Jeannie? Jeannie, darlin', tis time to...

JEAN
Yet who would have thought the old man to have such blood in him?

To prove it, she MANIFESTS XAVIER'S CORPSE, straight from the ground to the living room. It looks around, a little distractedly...

KITTY
Ew. This is supposed to be a PG story!

XAVIER
Come, child. Since "Marvel Zombies," this is all pretty much standard fare.
(noticing Moira)
Oh, hello, Moira. You're looking... undead.

MOIRA
Charles. I might say the same.

XAVIER
What a very odd story this is.

Kitty marches up to Jean and SLAPS HER ACROSS THE FACE a few times.

KITTY
Jean: If you wanna take over the Galaxy, fine, but STOP RESURRECTING PEOPLE! It's icky, it's rude, and it makes my skin all crawly. And we'll never get these carpets clean...

Jean blinks a few times, wakes, and ZAPS XAVIER AND MOIRA back to their caskets.

JEAN
Thanks. I needed that.

KITTY
Think nothing of it. D'you wanna, y'know, talk about this guilt thing over siding with Magneto?

JEAN
Later. Right now I have the oddest feeling I might have turned Seattle into a giant petting zoo. Ta for now...

IN A BLINK, she disappears. Kitty stands there, shaking her head.

KITTY
Forty-five years to retirement. No way I'm gonna make it.

SCENE II.

The interior of Xavier's mansion, which SABERTOOTH and BLOB have absolutely trashed. There is furniture upended, spilled bottles everywhere, empty pizza cartons cast aside at random, and GAMBIT, pinned by his cloak to a dartboard, while Blob lines up his next shot...

GAMBIT
Why me? Is it because I am tres beau? Does the Universe hate me for mah beauty?

ENTER PYRO at a run.

PYRO
Heads up, troops! Word is, the X-Men are on their way back! They already turned Toad into a lovely set of matching luggage, and they're headed this way!

BLOB
Well, hell, there goes the neighborhood.

SABERTOOTH
I say we stay an' fight 'em!

A sound: SNIKT. LOGAN steps out of the shadows.

LOGAN
Aw. I was hopin' you would.

SABERTOOTH
Can't win, runt. There's three of us an' one of you.

LOGAN
(pointing to Gambit)
Two of us.

GAMBIT
(holding up his hands in protest)
Yah, but I am ze little-known Swiss Cajun. Very neutral, by yiminy.

LOGAN
(sighs)
Okay, one of us. But d'you have any idea how long I've gone without a beer now?

The three villains look at each other... then at the scowl on Logan's face...

BLOB
Well, I'm outta here.

PYRO
They don't pay me enough for this.

EXIT BLOB AND PYRO, at a run.

GAMBIT
And stay out, you unsightly curs!
(to Logan)
We are beating them handily, non?

Sabertooth advances...

SABERTOOTH
You an' me, runt. Like always.

LOGAN
Makes a great glamor shot for the cover...

He throws himself at Sabertooth, and the fight begins...

SCENE III.

Magneto's chamber, within the mansion, as he dons his infamous cape and helmet.

MAGNETO
Lousy second-rate minions... got to do everything myself...

ENTER KITTY, phasing through the wall.

KITTY
Um, Your Excellency? Stuff's, like, blowing up outside. Not that I'm complaining.

MAGNETO
Have a care, girl, don't you know I'm unbeatable? Your own creepy psychics said I couldn't be hurt unless Summers come before spring.

KITTY
So? It's still before spring.

MAGNETO
But not yet summer!

KITTY
They didn't say summer. They said Summers.

MAGNETO
Yes, and...?

KITTY
(very slowly, as to a child)
Think about it. I know you can do this.

Magneto thinks hard for a moment, then waves her off.

MAGNETO
Bah! Foolish girl! You won't stand in the way of my victory!

KITTY
Okay. I'll just sit here quietly and bask in the irony.

MAGNETO
How's Jean, by the way?

KITTY
A little bit troubled. Like she's calling herself Anya and wants to know if I'm one of the Scooby gang.

MAGNETO
Blast! Are we back in Whedon's title already?

KITTY
(shrugs)
All I know is, she's really afraid of bunnies.

MAGNETO
I like bunnies!

ZRAK! Somebody's optic beam just knocked on the downstairs door.

MAGNETO (CONT'D)
Well, see to her. I'm off to battle!

KITTY
Good luck...

MAGNETO

I need none! Summers come before spring... I swear, these kids today...

EXIT MAGNETO. Kitty just sighs.

SCENE IV.

Downstairs at the Mansion. ENTER SCOTT, EMMA, ROGUE, BISHOP, and NIGHTCRAWLER from one side; BLOB and PYRO from the other.

BLOB
Whoa there, scuse us, must've gotten turned around--

PYRO
Don't get up, chums, we can let ourselves out--

SCOTT
Hit 'em with everything you've got, X-Men!

ZRAK. BAMF. And assorted other sound effects. In moments, the bad guys are down for the count. As the battle fades, Rogue hears a MUFFLED CRY FOR HELP from offstage, EXITS, then returns with GAMBIT in tow.

GAMBIT
It is a good thing you arrived, mah sweet. Left by mahself, I might have been forced to
injure zese pathetic creatures.

ROGUE
Aw, Remy, what'm I gonna do with you?

GAMBIT
Forgive mah betrayal, cheri! I was out of mah head!

ROGUE
Shucks... y'all are so cute when you're penitent...

ENTER LOGAN, behind them, costume somewhat tattered.

BISHOP
Any trouble, Logan?

LOGAN
Bad news is, the place is a mess. Good news is, we got ourselves a new throw rug.

NIGHTCRAWLER
Ah, meine freund, how good it is to see you...

LOGAN
Stow it. Need beer. You're buyin'.

NIGHTCRAWLER
I cannot argue with such logic.

BAMF, and he and Logan are gone...

EMMA
Of course, there's still Magneto and Phoenix to fight...

BAMF. The two return.

NIGHTCRAWLER
I knew we forgot something.

EMMA
(to Scott)
By the way, love, how long until spring?

SCOTT
About a month. Why?

EMMA
Oh, just... reflecting on a pun...

ROGUE
Y'all are so weird.

They hurry for the staircase.

SCENE V.

Upstairs at the Xavier Mansion. The X-MEN, at the top of the staircase, meet up with MAGNETO, leaving his room. He stares for a moment, then smacks the side of his head.

MAGNETO
Oy! Summers! I could've had a V8!

SCOTT
Don't let him get away!

They warily encircle Magneto...

MAGNETO
It's not fair, you know. They should have said Summers comes before spring, not Summers come. Those little hussies deliberately implied a plural!

LOGAN SPRINGS INTO ACTION, just as KITTY PHASES THROUGH THE WALL beside Magneto.

KITTY
Um, guys? Not that I'm worried about Jean or anything, but she just referred to me as "Tatoo" and asked in a Spanish accent if the plane was here yet...

Seizing his opportunity, Magneto GESTURES and Logan's metal-lined body CRASHES INTO HER. They crumble in a heap, and Nightcrawler goes to their aid.

KITTY (CONT'D)
Ow.

LOGAN
Sorry.

KITTY
You've put on weight.

LOGAN
I been usin' food as a substitute for beer.

Wasting no time, Magneto dodges Rogue and Bishop, then RIPS OFF A METAL BANISTER and wraps it around Gambit, KNOCKING HIM DOWN THE STAIRS.

GAMBIT (FROM OFF)
Ah have fallen, and ah can't get up!

EXIT MAGNETO, past a diving Cyclops. As Scott dusts himself off...

EMMA
We'll go after him together, darling.

JEAN (FROM OFF)
Wanna bet?

ENTER JEAN, in full-on Dark Phoenix mode, SURROUNDED BY TONGUES OF FLAME.

EMMA
Erm... Me llama Juanita Cortes. No hablo inglés. No soy la Reina Blanca.

JEAN
I am not amused.

SCOTT
She's really not. There's, um, no talking to her when she gets like this. I'll just go after Magneto and let you ladies chat...

EXIT SCOTT, in a hurry. Emma GULPS AUDIBLY.

EMMA
Jean, dear. Have I mentioned how darling you look in that shade of red? It brings out your, um, dark eyes burning with the fiery vengeance of a thousand suns.

JEAN
Flattery will get you nowhere.

EMMA
Worth a shot.

The Phoenix flame glows bright...

SCENE VI.

On the staircase, GAMBIT lying encased in metal as MAGNETO skips merrily past him.

GAMBIT
Pardonnez moi, mon ami? Would you mind terribly...?

MAGNETO
Yes.

EXIT MAGNETO, at a run. ENTER SCOTT, running after him.

GAMBIT
Monsieur Cyclops, if you please! Do not abandon me! I am slain!

Scott kneels at his side and checks his vitals.

SCOTT
Um, actually, you're fine.

GAMBIT
Ah, but I was speaking of emotional pain. While I have your attention, though, monsieur, sil vous plait, GET ME ZE HELL OUT OF ZIS THING!

ZRAK. Scott blasts it with his eyebeam. It falls away.

SCOTT
Better?

GAMBIT
Merci. Bonne chance with Magneto.

SCOTT
You wouldn't want to... like, help me?

GAMBIT
Ah, mon ami, but I am still very weak...

SCOTT
Right.

He EXITS, at a run.

SCENE VII.

The upper hall, as before.

JEAN
Any last requests?

EMMA
Don't kill me.

JEAN
Something less cliche.

EMMA
Kill them instead?

ALL X-MEN
HEY!

JEAN
Nice try. Little tip for you, "dear," on your way to the afterlife: We wear bras there. Regularly.

BISHOP
Even the guys?

JEAN
Shut up.

BISHOP
Ask a simple question...

As Jean prepares to roast her, Logan climbs to his feet...

LOGAN
Jeannie! Wait! Don't do it!

EMMA
Yes! Don't do it!

JEAN
Why not?

EMMA
Er... yes, why not?

LOGAN
Well, um... gimme a minute.

JEAN
I mean, she's untrustworthy, mean, vicious, deceitful, ill-tempered, and a floozy.

EMMA
(sniffles)
That's... the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me...

JEAN
So why shouldn't I roast her?

EMMA
I mean, one hopes to leave a mark on the world, but it's so nice to have people really understand and appreciate where you're coming from...

JEAN
I'm waiting.

LOGAN
Uhh... if you do it, you'll be just like her!

EMMA
Perhaps if she was, she'd still have her husband.

Jean glares at her...

EMMA (CONT'D)
Oops?

KITTY
Not the time for a zinger.

EMMA
But it was a good one!

ROGUE
'Scuse me, y'all, but... does this have anything to do with the plot of "Macbeth," at this point?

BISHOP
Nah. We're kinda winging it.

ROGUE
Just wonderin'.

SCENE VIII.

Enter MAGNETO and SCOTT, from opposite sides of the room.

MAGNETO
Wait, didn't we both go down the same staircase?

SCOTT
This is for effect. I'm callin' you, Magneto.

MAGNETO
As opposed to calling me what? "Xorn?"

SCOTT
This estate's not big enough for the both of us.

MAGNETO
This estate has room for a thousand students, tennis courts, and its own private jet.

SCOTT
Stop stepping on my lines!

MAGNETO
They're stupid lines! Try it closer to the play, like this:
(clears throat)
"Turn, hell-hound, turn!"

SCOTT
Really...? You think...?
(beat)
Turn, hell-hound, turn!
(beat, contemplative)
You're right. That is better.

MAGNETO
You see? It's a classic! Then I say: "Of all men else I have avoided thee. But get thee back; my soul is too much charged with blood of thine already!

SCOTT
Very highbrow, but it won't save you now...

MAGNETO
Ha! No X-Man can kill me! I heard it in a rhyme, so I know it's true.

SCOTT
Maybe, but...

He points. ANOTHER SCOTT descends the staircase after Magneto. Magneto looks between the two of them...

MAGNETO
Arrrgh! Shapeshifter! I knew I was forgetting something!

ALL CUCKOOS
(telepathically)
Duh!

ONE SCOTT turns into MYSTIQUE, while the other looks on thoughtfully...

SCOTT
Gosh, I'm a handsome devil...

MYSTIQUE
Sic your little goons on me, will you? You got some 'splainin' to do, Erik.

MAGNETO
The Master of Magnetism owes nothing. Lay on, Mystique! And damned be them who cries... erm... gosh... you know, your name is even harder to rhyme than mine is?

MYSTIQUE
Tell it to Uncle Ben and Bucky, you overbearing twit!

EXIT MAGNETO and MYSTIQUE, fighting, while Scott watches...

SCOTT
(fingering his chin)
Maybe I should grow a beard? She would have looked very dashing with a beard...

ENTER THE X-MEN and JEAN, from above.

SCOTT (CONT'D)
Or maybe I should just beg for mercy...?

LOGAN
Relax, bub. It's handled.

JEAN
Logan convinced me to pursue a non-violent solution to my problems.

SCOTT
LOGAN did that?

KITTY
It surprised us, too.

Scott approaches them warily...

SCOTT
So, um, Emma, honey? You're okay?

EMMA
Shh! Be vewy, vewy quiet... I'm huntin' wabbits!

EXIT Emma, clutching an imaginary shotgun.

JEAN
(smirking)
It'll wear off in about a week. Speaking of which...

She ZAPS SCOTT.

SCOTT
(ala Porky Pig)
G-g-g-gosh, Jean, this is a non sequa... a nin siccy... a num seccer... this is out of nowhere!

ROGUE
Somebody remember to grab a video camera 'fore he comes to.

JEAN
Well... this was fun. I should get randomly brought back to life again someday.

BISHOP
Oh, I'm sure you will be.

KITTY
Can I be sick that day?

Jean approaches Logan...

JEAN
I owe you one.

LOGAN
That's what I'm here for, babe.

JEAN
How can I repay you?

LOGAN
Aw, darlin'... you know there's only one thing I want.

Jean smiles. Then she DISAPPEARS IN A BURST OF PHOENIX FLAME. On her way out, she: a) Zaps XAVIER back to life, b) Fixes Remy's accent, and c) leaves Logan a lifetime supply of beer.

XAVIER
Erm... have I missed something?

LOGAN
Just Thursday.

The gang LAUGHS. Scott faces the audience:

SCOTT
B-deh, b-deh, b-deh, b-deh... That's all folks!

CURTAIN, to the "Looney Tunes" theme. A moment later, ENTER THE STEPFORD CUCKOOS, who address the audience.

CELESTE
Hi, folks. The truth is, Shakespeare's witches didn't bookend the play like this.

PHOEBE
We just really wanted to apologize for this parody.

MINDEE
It was funny in theory, honest!

CELESTE
To make it up to you, we've composed what we think is a fitting closing verse. ahem:

We really and solemnly think it's a crime...

PHOEBE
If you feel this parody wasted your time.

Long pause. They both glare at Mindee.

MINDEE
Wait all you want, guys, I'm not gonna rhyme!

CELESTE & PHOEBE
You just did!

MINDEE
I so need my own apartment.

THE END.